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If you're trying to hurt me by taking down PAT-FetLife, you missed your target & harmed FetLife users instead.
[ Posted Sun, 20 Jul 2014 19:22:11 ]

Read the added note below:



Yesterday, I published ...Why attacking Predator Alert Tools backfire on attackers.“ The gist (short, worth reading) is at this link.

Today, an important update:

On July 20th, 2014 at 3:53 AM Pacific time, a renewed attack of the exact same type described above resumed. Once again, CarolyneTiler, whose legal name is Caroline Tyler and who currently works for EMIS, a medical software company, as an ...IT Systems Support Consultant“ in the United Kingdom according to her LinkedIn profile (public version), admitted to doing this on FetLife:

Screenshot of CarolyneTiler's comments in a FetLife status thread reading: "I have done NOTHING more than use the public access available to all. I consider that this so called reporting tool is mainly used to harass and abuse other members of this site by those too cowardly to publicly state their issues."

Screenshot of CarolyneTiler's comments in a FetLife status thread reading: ...I have done NOTHING more than use the public access available to all. I consider that this so called reporting tool is mainly used to harass and abuse other members of this site by those too cowardly to publicly state their issues.“

As of this writing, I've temporarily disabled the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife's Google form submission while I compose complaint letters to Caroline's employer and Internet Service Provider. I am also looking for pro-bono legal representation from attorneys who have a record supporting sexual assault survivor's rights. Please contact me directly if you know or can refer me to any such legal professionals.

I'll re-enable the PAT-FetLife reporting mechanism after I've finished getting in touch with Caroline Tyler's employer, etc., and I'll post another update once I've done that. If I can get in touch with a lawyer, I'll also do my best to contact England's law enforcement agencies that oversee Internet crimes, so ideally this lawyer would also be at least familiar with ...hacking“ cases.

Thank you.

Please reblog/retweet/share widely.

Thanks so much for your help!

Okay, I have to add a thing to this. I am suddenly getting many kind well-wishes expressing sympathy for me for ...dealing with these fuckwits.“ That's very nice, but it's mostly misguided.

Listen: I'll be fine. Attacks against PAT-FetLife don't affect me. I don't use FetLife, remember?

The people who Anna Brecht and Caroline Tyler are harming with their denial-of-service attack against Predator Alert Tool for FetLife are the people relying on PAT-FetLife as a way of communicating about dangerous people inside the kink/BDSM community.

Attacking PAT-FetLife doesn't harm me in any way. It harms people who want to be in one way or another involved in FetLife but who also want to have access to an uncensored peer-to-peer reputation system (like ...Yelp for play partners“), something that FetLife (still) refuses to provide.

If you're worried about this DOS against PAT-FetLife hurting someone, it's ethical kinksters on FetLife you should be worried about. Not me. Don't forget that.

That said, your supportive sentiments are very much appreciated. <3 to you all!

UPDATE to "Why attacking Predator Alert Tools backfire on attackers" - Do you know a sexual assault lawyer?
[ Posted Sun, 20 Jul 2014 14:18:55 ]


Yesterday, I published ...Why attacking Predator Alert Tools backfire on attackers.“ The gist (short, worth reading) is at this link.

Today, an important update:

On July 20th, 2014 at 3:53 AM Pacific time, a renewed attack of the exact same type described above resumed. Once again, CarolyneTiler, whose legal name is Caroline Tyler and who currently works for EMIS, a medical software company, as an ...IT Systems Support Consultant“ in the United Kingdom according to her LinkedIn profile (public version), admitted to doing this on FetLife:

Screenshot of CarolyneTiler's comments in a FetLife status thread reading: "I have done NOTHING more than use the public access available to all. I consider that this so called reporting tool is mainly used to harass and abuse other members of this site by those too cowardly to publicly state their issues."

Screenshot of CarolyneTiler's comments in a FetLife status thread reading: ...I have done NOTHING more than use the public access available to all. I consider that this so called reporting tool is mainly used to harass and abuse other members of this site by those too cowardly to publicly state their issues.“

As of this writing, I've temporarily disabled the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife's Google form submission while I compose complaint letters to Caroline's employer and Internet Service Provider. I am also looking for pro-bono legal representation from attorneys who have a record supporting sexual assault survivor's rights. Please contact me directly if you know or can refer me to any such legal professionals.

I'll re-enable the PAT-FetLife reporting mechanism after I've finished getting in touch with Caroline Tyler's employer, etc., and I'll post another update once I've done that. If I can get in touch with a lawyer, I'll also do my best to contact England's law enforcement agencies that oversee Internet crimes, so ideally this lawyer would also be at least familiar with ...hacking“ cases.

Thank you.

Please reblog/retweet/share widely.

Thanks so much for your help!

Why attacking Predator Alert Tools backfire on attackers
[ Posted Sat, 19 Jul 2014 22:59:23 ]


What appears at first to be a somewhat understandable request by a woman named Anna Dawn Brecht to be removed from the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife database turns into a desire to shut the system down for everyone, regardless of its benefits for others. With the help of her ...Dominant,“ a long-time FetLife user who goes by the name CarolyneTiler, the pair launch a denial of service attack against PAT-FetLife, which ultimately results in the further distribution of information they want buried.

In the end, Anna Brecht (aka ...MarmiteGirl“ or ...CarolynesRose“ on FetLife) and her cohort of attackers succeed only in proving that trying to take down what is still the only warning tool for rape survivors on FetLife isn't merely a shitty way for supposed advocates of a ...Safe, Sane, and Consensual“ so-called“ to behave, it also offers an exceptionally reliable indicator—undeniable, even—that those attackers should be included in the Predator Alert Tool's database itself.

If someone violates your consent, you can report it. Likewise, if someone writes hateful reports about you (like ...this person is a whiny drama queen“), and you can guess who did it, report that too. If you see spam reports (like ...violated my consent by being hot as hell“) in the database and you think you know who's doing it, report that too. The more someone tries to misuse Predator Alert Tool, the more information about their misuse is available. In other words, Predator Alert Tool is antifragile; damage and chaos don't break the system, they help it grow.

This post explains why and how attacking Predator Alert Tools backfire on attackers. It also details this week's denial-of-service attack against Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, provides a profile of the attackers in question, some information about mitigation strategies, and asks for input from you, the survivor support community, about how to best respond to such attacks in the future.

Read the full post.



Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to say ...Yes, all doms say shit like 'not all doms'…“ in a conversation about shit doms say, and in which doms are talking.

And then smile coolly as all the doms within earshot stare blankly at you in utter distress as they contemplate the paradox of their intense desire and desperation to inform you that not all doms say that.

You will break them.

↬ p0kemina

[ Posted Fri, 11 Jul 2014 12:50:32 ]






...Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?“, Part 1 of 2. (link to Part 2)


  1. College Men: Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,Lisak and Miller, 2002 [PDF, 12 pages]
  2. Navy Men: Lisak and Miller's results were essentially duplicated in an even larger study (2,925 men): Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel, McWhorter, 2009 [PDF, 16 pages]

By dark-side-of-the-room, who writes:

These infogifs are provided RIGHTS-FREE for noncommercial purposes. Repost them anywhere. In fact, repost them EVERYWHERE. No need to credit. Link to the L&M study if possible.

Knowledge is a seed; sow it.

Reblogging because I mentioned this study in a post the other day and someone reblogged & replied insinuating that I'd made it up, but I didn't have the citation on hand right then. As I said then: rape culture is what teaches rapists that they aren't rapists.

^ bolded for emphasis

this is why those questions are on OKC. You can get a browser plug-in that red-flags anyone who answers yes.

The browser plugin is called Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid. There's a really succinct write-up about it on LifeHacker.

Over 96,000 notes for the Tumblr post describing the problem, less than 100 for the post about what we can do about it. So, that's weird.

[ Posted Tue, 08 Jul 2014 20:01:17 ]

photo-link-url photoset

The Real Doms of Reddit
[ Posted Mon, 07 Jul 2014 16:52:05 ]



The Real Doms of Reddit

...I reformed a bitchy, entitled, ambitious girl into a submissive. For me, it just came naturally.

...What's even the point of going to a munch, if there's nobody there who I can fuck?

...I have my subs call me Alpha because I am there to guide them.

...Punishes you for bad behavior by sending your Sub Diary to potential employers.

...Tired of trying to find slavegirl through 'old fashioned' dating. Pushing date's boundaries is sooo inefficient.

...Your sense of common courtesy is squelching my domliness!

Clicking through is so worth it because you get to see how the Real Doms responded!! This is the saddest and most hilarious thing. For instance, check this one by ...Jonruy“ out:

Bear in mind, I don't expect being a dom to be a significant aspect of my life, so I don't really want to spend a great amount of time and effort preparing for it. It's something that fascinates me, and something I think I just might be good at. If the opportunity presented itself, I would love to give it a try, but otherwise I think of it as a pipe dream, like winning the lottery or starting my own video game development company.

It's like they're suggesting Douchey Dom memes now:


Pair with, ...Almost everyone—including myself—finds coercive cultural tropes sexy.




We should start a ...Nice Guys of FetLife“ tag.


[ Posted Sun, 06 Jul 2014 15:26:46 ]

When blogging makes a huge difference.
[ Posted Sun, 06 Jul 2014 11:36:55 ]



With Maymay starting the DoucheyDom meme that I love and with it being their birthday too, there's a thing I wanted to say.

I don't know exactly when I started following Maymay's writing. It might have been 2007 when they started Maybemaimed, it might have been earlier, it might have been a bit later. I know all their first posts but that might be because I've scrolled back. Anyway, when I started reading their work it was because I was interested in the work of a fellow submissive person with the same gender identity as me (at the time). And they also had another blog full of pretty pictures that were sexy. 

I had never been to a BDSM space in my life, being under 21 at the time. I was curious but had no idea where to begin and Maymay was a person I could relate to, who wrote things I liked.
And as they learned, evolved, gained a fuller understanding of how wrong and dangerous the BDSM community is, I was there reading their work and learning from it. Later in life, I did go to some BDSM events and it was one big ...holy shit I recognize this!“ experience. Everywhere I went I saw the exact kind of behavior Maymay had been blogging about. I don't think I would have noticed it if they hadn't blogged about how scary that is, but because they had, I recognized it.

Fast forward to now. I have had many amazing relationships outside the BDSM scene. I am still figuring out sexuality and how complicated it is but I am pretty comfortable about it. I have never had an experience where someone violated my consent. Never. And when I look at my younger self - trans, insecure, terrified of disappointing partners, eager for bdsm experiences - and then I look at the consent violation statistics in the scene closest to me - 65% of all participants have experienced consent violations, nobody knows what the statistics are for subs, let alone for young insecure trans subs - it is mindboggling to be that I'm not part of those statistics. The odds certainly weren't in my favour. And while I know sheer dumb luck and my own actions have something to do with that, I can also see one factor that really helped me recognize dangerous situations and avoid them: Maymay. Reading their work armed me with the eyes I needed to see rape culture and the words I needed to identify it.

The BDSM scene is a very big hard to kill monster and it can be a struggle to fight that thing for years without ever fully slaying the beast. It can seem like all the work is barely making a difference. But to me, the difference that Maymay makes is huge. And that's probably true for a lot of other people too. The work they do saves lives.

I literally don't know what to say to this except to say that I don't know what to say to this.

I think ...thank you“ might be expected, but that seems trite and self-serving. So maybe something more congratulatory. And maybe more in the style du jour:



Almost everyone—including myself—finds coercive cultural tropes sexy. Even hardcore anti-kink radical feminists think ...rape play“ can be hot. So despite the propagandistic insistence from BDSM community leaders to the contrary, your personal rape fantasy doesn't bother us.

What bothers us—and by“ I mean people of every political persuasion, from dyed-in-the-wool hardcore kinksters who have personal sex blogs chronicling an almost 10 year immersion in the BDSM Scene as self-identified Submissives, such as myself, all the way through to religious right anti-porn lobbyists who want to see BDSM criminalization harshly enforced—what we have a problem with is rhetoric and practice that presents things like ...consensual nonconsent“ as ...healthy, happy kinks, easily practiced safely with sanity“ as though you can just walk down to your corner drug store and pick up a ...rape play kit“ like it's some fucking over the counter aphrodisiac.

We're not trying to take away your sexy-fun-time playing rapist and rape victim. We're telling you that mainstreaming a subculture whose premise is ...rape play is uncomplicated because it's everywhere“ is an obscenely irresponsible thing to do in the context of existing rape culture.

Everyone, literally everyone, knows that. Only BDSM'ers object to it.

[ Posted Sat, 05 Jul 2014 19:07:00 ]

maymay, who definitely does not know anything about the BDSM community (via maymay)



Dr. Evil explains BDSM terms.

[ Posted Sat, 05 Jul 2014 14:38:22 ]








Daddy's Rules for Kitten



23 Rules in total (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ♡

  1. Daddy knows best. His word is law. When Daddy says jump, you say ...How high, Daddy?“ If you disobey his commands, you will be punished as he sees fit.

  2. Daddy wants his Kitten to…

This post confuses me, and here is how…

Original post is actually part of the framework for the rules Angel has. What we based ours on, and then altered to fit our needs. So shock one came from the reaction of seeing them again (i figured they were buried in Tumblrpostville). The next shock came from someone being shocked by them, which is not shocking considering how easily shocked most people are at the shocking reality of the lifestyle. (Damn, tried to work shock in one more time, but couldnt get it to be coherent).

THEN i got curious and checked out me/them's blog… This post was the first to show, so disrespectful and judgemental, then the very next post is about how a woman 'is more or less shunned by the LGBT community once marrying a guy' is wrong and they should get the same support they got as a homosexual. (One of the few things i agree with on their blog)

Double standards at work. Expect understanding and equality for one 'different' lifestyle, while demeaning and degrading another 'different' lifestyle.

Their blog was full of bdsm bashing material. And you know what? I love that it is. I do not in any way agree with it, but I love that they are able to share their outlooks, lifestyles, and such so freely. I chose to leave their blog page, not because overall they sickened me with their hypocritical postings, but because their outlook is exactly that. Theirs. Not mine. Not Angels. Theirs. So thats how i chose to leave it.

To be clear, I'm not anti-kink. I'm very kinky myself and, from the looks of your Tumblr, I'm significantly kinkier than you. (Shocking!) I don't have a problem with BDSM. I have a problem with people like you who do BDSM in abusive ways.

I'm sure, once you figure out that I'm not actually a ...BDSM-bashing“ sex-hating radical feminist, but rather another kinkster, you're going to throw some ...Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK“ bullshit in my face. The thing to remember is that YKINMKBYKIOK originally came about to protect diversity in kink and participation by people whose fetishes were marginalized — not as a Get Out of Jail Free card for common predators and abusive, pedophilic, wannabe-rapists like you.

The ...shocking reality of the lifestyle“ is that it's legitimately abusive. I don't usually want to believe people like you exist, but then I see blog posts like this, and I have to deal with the reality that you are out there. Yes, it really is shocking that anyone is self-involved enough to believe ...consent“ magically erases the potential damage you're doing to someone you claim to love. Furthermore, you and your partner mocking the trauma of sexually-abused children and using it for masturbation material is shocking and it should be. As one of the kinkiest and most sexually-open people you'll probably ever encounter on the Internet, I am here to tell you that kink is absolutely not okay.

Furthermore, how dare you compare ...the BDSM lifestyle“ to being queer? Queerness is not a ...different lifestyle“ or ...alternative relationship choice“ — and your incest fetish is not a ...sexual orientation.“ But thanks so much for your ...tolerant“ comments; that's very big of you.

Happy Freedom Day.

Just the simple fact that you yourself just announced a very un-educated, biased, stereotypical generalization of a lifestyle that people enjoy, shows the narrow mindedness and lack of knowledge and/or research that causes that stereotyping.

Ah, I'm ...uneducated“ about BDSM. That must be it.


You have no idea who I am, do you?

You might consider doing some of your own research.

Any sexual act can be generalized as 'not ok'. You smack your partners ass? To some, that is crossing a line, and therefore, not ok. You allow your partner to perform oral sex on you? To some that is not ok. You or your partner enjoy anal? To some that is not ok. You have sex in a position other than missionary? To some that is not ok. What is good for some, is not ok for others. What is 'normal' for some is completely beyond kinky to others.

That's definitionally true about all kinks, yes. But kink is not the same thing as BDSM. (Try actually reading the link before responding, rather than just talking out your ass.)

What you and Angel are doing is BDSM: You're two are not only eroticizing the sexual abuse of children, but you're getting off on the act of trivializing and sexualizing those children's abuse. You're doing it right now, in this post, when you tell me without an an ounce of self-awareness or shame that a critique of eroticized child abuse just, like, your opinion man!“

What's wrong with BDSM isn't that it ...crosses a line.“ It's that BDSM is an abusive corruption of natural human kinky desire. BDSM is philosophically rotten at the core.

What it boils down to is this… What you do or dont do in the bedroom is none of my concern, and vice versa.

This is true right up until the point that what you're doing in your bedroom — or your kitchen, or your office, or the public street, or the Internet — is abusive. Then it becomes my concern and the concern of everybody else in your community. That's why I'm signalboosting your behavior in a way that makes it more publicly visible.

If i want to respond to this with one hand, while using a 6' whip on Angel with the other, I will.

Where did you get the idea that it's appropriate for you to talk to me as if I'm a submissive in a scene?

Your opinion is just that, an opinion, just like mine. If we put both of them together, shined them up real pretty, and added $1.49 to it, we could share a 20oz Mt Dew.

...Saying 'it's my opinion' is meaningless. It adds nothing to a conversation. It isn't an argument, it isn't a justification. It isn't even a grunt of acknowledgement that the other person has said something. It's less than all of those. What 'it's my opinion' says is this: I can't be bothered coming up with a reason why I think the way that I do. In addition, I can't be bothered listening to a word you're saying to me. If you've put effort into communicating with me, you really needn't have bothered. I have this thing called an 'opinion'. I'm too lazy to have it challenged or contemplate the possibility that it isn't correct." — Aiofe O'Riordan

"Parents sexually abusing their children is soooo hot, dude! That's my opinion!“

Is that seriously all you have to say for yourself?

Now, run along and play with someone else that you can get the rise and reaction out of that you seem to so desperately be seeking.

Don't patronize me. First, it's trite. Secondly, I have not consented to being ...Dominated“ by you, so you talking to me in the head-patting ...good little girl“ way you would talk to a submissive in a scene is a violation of SSC. (Please tell me you're at least familiar with SSC?)

That's a pretty good indication, though, of the fact that you don't know how to differentiate between activities that are okay in the bedroom and ways that are appropriate to treat people in everyday life. Nerdy gamers like me call this ...character bleed“ and you've got a gusher, Mr. Domly McDomly Pants.

Seeing as a) you're not interested in investigating your fetishes beyond asserting ...CONSENT IS MAGIC! I DO WUT I WANT!“, b) you've illustrated that you can't distinguish between fetish time and real life, and c) that your fetish is child abuse, I hope your friends know to well enough to keep their kids away from you.

P.S. You might wonder why I've continued tear into you, a random bystander, but have at this point left wolf-and-kitten (the OP) more-or-less alone. The answer is simple and probably obvious to anybody other than you:

Wolf-and-kitten responded to a critique of their situation by getting pissed off, yes, just like any normal person would. But then they sat down and thought about what had been said, about whether their actions were truly representative of the people they want to be and the relationship they want to have. And then they updated their followers with the outcome of that conversation and were honest with their followers about having made a mistake.

The conclusions they came to aren't the ones I would've come to, personally, nor ones I would advocate. But I'm still not on their case about it because what they did was express even a shred of humility, fallibility, and willingness to consider the possibility that the way they were playing was potentially harmful or setting a bad example for other people who look up to them. That's all I'm asking for from BDSMers. Even a tiny, itsy bitsy crumb of critical self-awareness is enough to leave me feeling hopeful.

You, on the other hand, can't even meet that low bar. You have responded to critique of your situation with nothing but a wall of self-righteous defensiveness followed by waving your…whip around and bellowing about the sanctity of ...your opinion.“ And, best of all, acting like your unwillingness to face yourself and your culture in the mirror makes you the ...more informed“ and morally superior party.

You, sir, are the Douchey Dom.

What I'm hearing from daddys-journey is this:





So, i'm really digging maymay's culture-hack Douchey Dom meme. This is the one i created, and based off a true story. Basically, anything that broke my limits or was abusive, that i called out on (which was sadly rare, because i was browbeaten by the fucker) was met with the top line. i just kept digging and digging for why this would be the idiot's worldview, and the bottom line is the only thing i could find (and thus why i hate those books with a passion).

Of course, it doesn't match the rape that occurred. When called out on THAT, i got never said it was a limit!“ Except i literally did, the very first day we were together, a YEAR before the rape. In fact, the very fact that the fucker knew it was a limit is why they did it to me in my sleep.

Aaaand turns out there was one created that perfectly explains the fucker's worldview:


[ Posted Sat, 05 Jul 2014 00:18:31 ]




I think I'm a fan of incest. Or age play, I can't tell which. I read incest stories, and 'incest' videos and god I get so wet, especially father/daughter or mom/daughter incest, it's the power over the innocent child perverted to serve their lusts that turn me on. The thought of having a daddy or mommy, of playing out being a little girl making mommy or daddy happy? Just, wow. Especially if he or she is physically bigger and stronger than me. But I don't know if it's incest or age play that I want.


Incest? Age play? Meh, what's the difference?

Ever notice how ...daddy/girl“ is somehow ...not incest“ to BDSM'ers? As though that's its own category of thing. There's even a whole thread on FetLife asking where to ...draw the line“ for the community as a whole, and the suggestion by the site admins is to draw the line at ...incest.“

You know what's NOT included in that umbrella, though? Daddy/girl play.

Because that's not the same thing as ...incest play.“ Y'know, the same way that ...BDSM is not abuse.“ Obviously. #KinkLogic


So apparently all dominants want to look like submissives
[ Posted Fri, 04 Jul 2014 13:38:07 ]


I've been avoiding blogs by Dominant-identified people for a while. But I've recently started looking for "Douchey Dom" meme material, so I'm back there. (Also, I think it's awesome that the thing that finally got me to look at dominant-themed blogs again is seeking material to mock them with.) And one thing I've noticed is that in virtually every case where the profile is a picture of a human(-oid), the profile pic depicts a submissive.

So, to clarify:

  • If you're a Dominant-identified blogger, you're evidently likely to have a picture of a submissive's ass or something as your profile pic.
  • And if you're a Submissive-identified blogger, you're evidently likely to have a picture of a submissive's ass or something as your profile pic.

Doesn't that strike anyone else as kinda weird? Especially for a community of people who are trying so hard to resist mainstream notions of beauty and objectification.

Oh. Wait.







why do people say ...i know plenty of subs & doms who are happy and in love!“ as if that, i dunno, like saves the millions of women and children trafficked into sex slavery

just wondering

Because the two are completely unrelated to one another.


Cute , but I don't believe that our society is post racial yet , nor do I support slavery.
I do however believe in bdsm as long as it follows the SSC standard , in other words , it has to be safe , sane, consensual, and all those involved have to be older than 18 years .




I'm analyzing women and their images in history.


[ Posted Fri, 04 Jul 2014 12:19:54 ]



Less kvetching, more fetching.

Male, Married, 30s.

Torn between a healthy belief in feminism and a desire to objectify. Okay, not really that torn.


[ Posted Fri, 04 Jul 2014 12:00:55 ]




Ok last one of the Doucheydom meme. 

Could someone elaborate on this/give examples? Specifically on what 'eroticizing rape culture' means/looks like? (I'm not arguing or defending, I'm genuinely having trouble understanding and would like to).

"Eroticizing rape culture" means sexualizing coercive sexual tropes that occur in your cultural context. For example, if you live in a society where it's common to catcall women on the street or grope women's bodies on the train (like, say, every country on Earth that has streets or trains), then "eroticizing rape culture" often looks like calling your sexual partner the same sorts of words that people use to catcall women, or grabbing their bodies in the same places and from the same angles as though you were on a train.

There's nothing wrong with using words that turn you and your partner on, or feeling your sweetie up in ways that feel good to the two of you, of course, and no one is saying that there is. Not even dyed-in-the-wool hardcore anti-kink radfems are saying that. (So don't believe the hype from people who will tell you that that's what folks are saying when they say ...eroticizing rape culture.“)

What people (like me) ARE saying is that we've observed a commonality in the ways that people engage in sexual behavior and signalling. Further, we're observing that this commonality is shared among a virtually impossible majority of otherwise extremely different individuals. And we're suggesting that this isn't actually a mystery.

We're saying that the reason many people (like me) find the sorts of things that are reminiscent of, say, catcalling and groping people on the train sexy in the first place is related to the ways in which we were acculturated by our particular culture's sexual messaging. In other words, a lot of people find coercive sexual tropes arousing because our culture eroticizes rape.

The Douchey Dom meme you asked about, shown above, illustrates how the BDSM subculture goes one step further. Beyond merely eroticizing rape, it eroticizes the eroticization of rape. It's not just that ...rape is sexy.“ What's sexy, in BDSM, is finding rape sexy. In fact, the Douchey Dom meme was conceived to point out the absurdity of ...celebrating gay rights“ by eroticizing non-consensual imprisonment—a torture endured by many LGBT people to this day.

Of course, that's not how BDSM'ers talk about what they're doing, because nobody other than rapists thinks ...finding rape sexy“ is actually sexy. So the Douchey Dom meme is pointing out both that there is a LOT of cultural overlap between the BDSM subculture and the mainstream—more than BDSM'ers will admit to—and also pointing out that the set of people defined as ...rapists“ differs depending on who you are. BDSM'ers think the Douchey Dom represents ...those bad doms, not us good doms,“ whereas other people think the Douchey Dom represents, well, BDSM'ers.

[ Posted Fri, 04 Jul 2014 11:28:56 ]


My new ...Douchey Dom" faves.









Now with moar Tumblr.

[ Posted Fri, 04 Jul 2014 01:49:47 ]



Ok last one of the Doucheydom meme. 

[ Posted Thu, 03 Jul 2014 23:41:27 ]


More from the DoucheyDom meme

[ Posted Thu, 03 Jul 2014 23:39:51 ]

Only in a D/s relationship
[ Posted Thu, 03 Jul 2014 22:35:28 ]



…can you insist that your girlfriend give you the login info to her private account on sites like Fetlife and tumblr, and it's not only considered okay, but she loves it.




I'm starting to think Douchey Dom is also the perfect way to explain rape culture to BDSM'ers:


[ Posted Thu, 03 Jul 2014 14:05:30 ]



Welp, it got better. And by better I mean even more douchey. And by douchey I mean familiar.

Douchey Dom meme images in this set:








Make your own here:

[ Posted Thu, 03 Jul 2014 11:34:53 ]



This is not how BDSM'ers say consent works, but it is how BDSM'ers behave as it does.

Read more:

Pay attention to what they actually do, not what they say that they do. See also, the ...Douchey Dom“ meme:


Accessible description:


[ Posted Wed, 02 Jul 2014 13:04:00 ]


TL;DR: Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud. There are a lot of risks that even ...experienced breath play experts“ don't even know exist.

But the fact that there are a lot of ignorant ...experts“ in the BDSM Scene, and even more people who eagerly consent to putting their lives in these self-described expert's hands (literally!) is not some kind of fluke about breath play, and that dynamic doesn't only exist in the BDSM Scene.

Rather, it's a fundamental supporting pillar of rape culture generally ("if it's a legitimate rape, a woman's body has ways of shutting that whole thing down", anyone?), which the BDSM Scene knowingly relies on in order to sustain its existence.

The BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts, relying on the fact that you won't read the fine print before clicking on the proverbial ...I consent“ button.















PSA of the day.

Are you fucking kidding . This is so disgusting

wtf is this sociopathic trash. 

look at this piece of shit post. i hope the people who reblogged it uncritically get the shits for days man


It's scary that so many people reblogged this without criticism. This is how normalized violence against women is in our culture.

what the actual fuck




but if a persons kink doesn't hurt anybody and if both/all parties are down, isn't a post about being safe in this situation a good thing?

If it's a kink and you have a safeword and you and your partner listen to the safeword and are comfortable with doing breathplay then it's fine. As long as you're both careful and safe about it.

There is literally no such thing as safe breathplay.

Consent doesn't mean you won't get arrested for manslaughter if your play partner dies of a cardiac arrest.

Oh, lemme guess: you didn't know that breathplay can cause a silent cardiac arrest in even the healthiest individual up to 45 minutes after play? And I'll guess you didn't know that a fractured hyoid bone—typical to strangulation or choking—is a life-threatening medical emergency?

Or that even three minutes of hypoxia can cause anoxic brain damage, which is cumulative and irreparable?

There is NO SUCH THING as safe breathplay and it is irresponsible in the extreme to suggest there is.

This is an excellent example of how 'everything is fine between two concenting adults' is sometimes just NOT TRUE. Safe breath play does not exist. And unless your kink is dying of brain damage of a blood clot some time after a play that 'seemed to go well', DO NOT DO IT. 

And ya know, stop unquestioningly believing what the BDSM world tells you. Stop believing that acts like this can be done safely but also stop believing that rape and abusive relationships don't exist in the BDSM scene and that you should ignore the warning signs of abuse. Stop believing that a 'sub' who is not allowed to speak to others without permission is in a healthy relationship. Stop believing that people who complain about sexism or racism in play are just 'kink shaming'. Stop believing that someone who reports having their consent violated just wasn't clear enough about their safe words or 'it's probably all a big misunderstanding'. Stop believing that 'privacy' should include not naming rapists. 

Step back and really think about what is safe, what is ethical and what is rape culture and abuse. 

I don't get it. If it's okay to hold your breath why wouldn't it be okay to have someone else hold your breath? I like having that done to me. I don't ever do it for more than two minutes, usually more like 45 seconds. How could that be a health problem? Is there some kind of documentation?

I was talking to Maymay about this last night and I believe their exact words were, ...Whether or not breath play can be done safely is, like, a BDSM intracommunity blood feud.“ Apparently, some people think there are safe ways to do it, and other people think those people are insane.

The person who taught me how to do it said the trick is to hold your own breath at the same time you're holding theirs, so that you make sure to let them breathe before you start getting lightheaded yourself. (She also used a pinching-the-nose-and-mouth-closed method, not a strangulation method.) That doesn't seem fool-proof; different people have different lung capacities, and it doesn't solve the issues of dangerous follow-up effects. But it made sense to me as a general rule. (And of course, I just trusted her because I saw her as a ...Real Dom“ and thus an“) That being said, I still don't do it, because it makes me nervous. And because it's not really my kink.

One major thing the OPs seemed to be pointing out is that the position depicted in the image — cutting someone's air supply off by choking them — is never safe because of the fragility of the hyoid bone. The hyoid is a tiny, floating bone in the front of your throat that helps support your trachea as well as anchoring some of your tongue movements. It is often crushed when someone is choked or strangled. In massage school they taught us never to work in that area without very specific technical training, because the hyoid is an ...endangerment zone.“ Accidentally putting pressure on it has the potential to cause serious injury. So, yes, even though I could maybe countenance breath play in other ways, I would never consider it“ to do it the way it's depicted in that image.

That doesn't mean nobody should do it, or course. Risk-tolerance is a personal decision. It's possible to have barrier-free sex with an HIV+ person and not contract HIV, and there might be lots of good reasons to choose to do so in certain situations. But it'd be pretty irresponsible to explain that to people by telling them barrier-free sex is no big deal and you probably won't get HIV anyway as long as you wash your dick afterwards. Consent isn't consent unless it's informed. Lots of people in the Scene (and out of it) are probably agreeing to breath play without being meaningfully informed about the potential side-effects. That's a problem. 

And it's a problem with a lot of other stuff, also, such as people agreeing to enter full-time intimate ...power exchange“ relationships explicitly grounded in abuse dynamics, without being informed about the potential for acquiring PTSD even from activities they consented to. Again, I'm not saying nobody should ever choose to take that risk. For some people, long-term PTSD might be a price they're willing to pay for a kind of intimacy that's really important to them. I seriously empathize with that. But I'm saying people deserve to know what they're signing up for. And the BDSM Scene is in the business of obfuscating the terms of their contracts.

Really great stuff here.

Also, the Douchey Dom meme is once again suddenly relevant:



[ Posted Wed, 02 Jul 2014 12:01:00 ]


O look moar Douchey Dom memes!

(Here are the others I really liked. Make your own!)

This ...violet wand“ one is hilarious, too:


And this isn't really funny so much as a constant fucking endemic problem with these shitty people:


I bet looking through the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife consent violation reports would provide sooooo much more fodder for this meme omg.

[ Posted Wed, 02 Jul 2014 10:23:41 ]



Well, that was fast. More Douchey Dom images! :D I can't wait to check back tomorrow to see what else y'all have come up with. (Here's where you can make your own images.)








There's more on the Douchey Dom page, too. Some are really, really funny! …in that douchey kind of way.

[ Posted Tue, 01 Jul 2014 21:07:21 ]



A few more Douchey Dom memes:




Here's the original Douchey Dom set.

[ Posted Tue, 01 Jul 2014 16:21:37 ]



I present the world with a new meme: Douchey Dom!



Celebrating gay rights by hosting an orgy that depicted gay people being put in prison is actually a real thing this real man (Peter Acworth, CEO of, did this LGBT Pride Month: Prison-Themed Pride Party Ends With Arrests. And so I could think of no better image for the Douchey Dom meme than a real photograph of a real portrait of him.

Here’s another example:

'Sexually Diverse' … Porn stash filled with skiny white women.

Turn on CAPS LOCK and fly, my pretties, fly!

See also:

[ Posted Tue, 01 Jul 2014 15:23:00 ]


The important thing about ...rolequeerness“ is not that it has a word. It's that there is a shared understanding of what the word ...rolequeerness“ MEANS: a traitorous relationship to one's own placement in a privileged position, a subversive orientation towards one's own power, a subservient mindset to people in a position with less power than yours, and a hundred million other ways to describe the same thing.

Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is that if you can actually write out the hundred million other ways to describe that idea in pieces of writing other people will actually read—whether in erotica or in essays—then, by all means, please do that.

[ Posted Tue, 01 Jul 2014 10:51:15 ]

maymay, Your Kinks Are Not ...BDSM“ (discussion)

The BDSM subculture's notions of ...a D/s relationship“ is a form of cultural programming much like mainstream culture's default expectations of heterosexuality. But ...D/s“ is actually worse than straightness because rather than saying ...given demographic A needs given demographic B to exist for sexual fulfillment,“ as straightness dictates, what D/s says is: ...given demographic S needs to be submissive to given demographic D for sexual fulfillment.“ If the demographics you said that about were ...women“ and,“ a lot of people would think you're scum.
[ Posted Sun, 29 Jun 2014 22:00:32 ]

Excerpted from ...The BDSM subculture's 'D/s' is inherently an abuser dynamic,“ itself part of a larger discussion juxtaposing the parallels between ...Sub Drop“ and trauma response.

Also, because I know it's going to get the typical BDSM'er pushback of ...don't talk about BDSM if you don't know anything about BDSM!!!1!!“ I'll just remind y'all that this quote is from someone who was a self-identified Submissive in the BDSM Scene for almost a decade, who gave presentations about BDSM at national BDSM conferences, and who is literally on the cover a BDSM research ethnography. Just. Sayin'.

(via maymay)

Your kinks are not "BDSM".
[ Posted Sun, 29 Jun 2014 13:22:00 ]


I really like this clear description of the distinction between an individual's kinks and the inherently abusive BDSM subculture, so I added a bunch of links into the text that provide more background and supporting context for the juxtaposition.


BDSM and ...kink“ are not interchangeable terms. Webster defines ...kinky“ as ...marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.“ That's a HUGE umbrella including basically any erotic desire or activity not considered normative in your cultural context. ...BDSM“ is an extremely narrow subset of kink.

And this is important: The BDSM subculture is defined and controlled by a tiny minority of sociopathic humans whose kink is acting out rape, torture, and abuse fantasies ...for fun“ i.e. without any meaningful consideration for what it means to enact those fantasies on human minds in the context of a world where rape, torture, and abuse are already broadly normalized.

In fact, the sheer blitheness with which BDSMers — both ...tops“ and ...bottoms“ — treat sexual violence as No Big Deal is part and parcel of their fetish. It's not just that they find rape arousing. (Lots of people get turned on by thinking about rape. Truth.) It's that they find it arousing *that* rape turns them on; instead of being turned on by rape and finding that, say, disturbing, or confusing, or at least worth asking questions about. Their kink is not for rape-play itself. Their kink is for rape apologism.

Here's where you come in: This sociopathic sliver of wannabe (and often actual) rapists are not the majority of kink-loving people. They are not even the majority of the BDSM Scene. But they do tend to be very powerful, influential people in both the world and the Scene, and they have a lot of control over how people understand ...alternative sexuality.“

The fact is that most of the erotic activities lumped together under the ...BDSM“ label have almost nothing to do with one another. But by co-opting a vast diversity of unrelated kinks and fetishes and calling all of them ...BDSM“ — as if that is a single way to play — the abuse fetishists have created a fiendish cover for themselves. They've suggested that BDSM is all one thing, and thus if you criticize anybody's kinks, you're criticizing EVERYBODY's kinks.

There are lots of kinky ways to play that don't involve apologizing for rape or trivializing abuse. My classic example is puppy play in which all of the players are puppies. Teasing your partner with ice cubes. Rope bondage for the comfort of constriction and the joy of knots. There are even erotic ways to (very, very carefully) explore themes of rape, torture, humiliation, slavery, gaslighting, and physical, sexual, and psychological abuse without apologizing for or downplay the severity of horror and trauma involved when those things happen in real life….

But the BDSMers have convinced their flock that if anybody questions themjacking each other off to the fantasy that ...Sexual Violence is No Biggie,“ then those critics are also threatening every person's right to get their rocks off in whatever other kinky ways feel fulfilling to them. That it's either an 100% abuse-trivializing no-holds-barred free-for-all or vanilla sex in the missionary position with the lights off forever — and that you've already chosen a side, because you let someone blindfold you and fuck you with a strap-on once and you really liked it, so it's only a matter of time until you're a gibbering desperate perverted mess of uncritical rape-loving jelly.

How have a handful of abusive sociopaths convinced thousands of otherwise thoughtful and compassionate people to stick up for them?

As an astute friend once pointed out to me:

...The pattern I've seen with BDSM'ers is *all about* exaggerating costs of failure; they want to believe they're playing a higher-degree game than they are, and so they do all sorts of things to make that *appear* to be the case, even and especially when it's not. This makes sense: the formalized BDSM structures are designed to put people who consent to uncomfortable experiences into uncomfortable situations, but not to the point of putting them in dangerous ones. Which means that BDSM'ers have a fantastically well-honed ability to dress up lower-degree [lower risk] games in the appearance of higher-degree [higher risk] games.“

They're using you, kinksters with ethics, to protect themselves by convincing you that you and they are the same kind of people. But you're probably not.

Meanwhile, the ...kink shamers“ have fallen right into the BDSMers' trap by decrying ALL kinky eroticism ...shameful“ and making the BDSMers' whisper campaign into a reality. By attacking ...kink“ as a whole and making it about random individual peoples' sex lives, rather than specifically targeting the rape apologism and abuse denial of BDSM's priesthood, they've pushed people with kinky desires but some skepticism towards the BDSM Scene, people who might otherwise be on the fence, right into the lion's den. They've made the abuse-denying sociopaths' prophecy self-fulfilling: ...Anyone who's a threat to us is a threat to you.“

Of course, I understand the desire to push back against anyone who is shaming and limiting your sexual expression. Erotic fulfillment is a core human need. But when you push back against the ...kink shamers“, make sure you're standing up for YOURSELF, not someone else. And stop enabling sociopathic abusers by describing your healthy, thoughtful, and ethical kinks as ...BDSM“. Unless what you gets you hot is trivializing others' experiences of abuse and violence, they're not.

(Links added by me.)

"Sub Drop" is a trauma response.
[ Posted Sun, 29 Jun 2014 13:18:01 ]




[…clipped for length…]

Do people think that the similarity between ...sub drop“ and the responses to trauma are actually all that different?

Oh yay! I talk about this all the time, but I've never seen it laid out in such a clear juxtaposition like this. Thank you!

Also check out This One's For the Invisible Girl for some of my own experiences working through this thing. And basically the entirety of The Bandana Blog for some discussion of the inherent rape apologism and abuser dynamics in BDSM and, most importantly, the fact that it's possible to have creative, interesting, ...kinky,“ exploratory, psycho-emotionally charged, political boundary-pushing, deeply healing-oriented, super hot sex without including that kind of unconsidered abusive hierarchical D/s power dynamic. 

[Fair warning: I am not ...anti-kink" but I AM anti-BDSM — and those two thing are not the same thing.] 

Yep. The BDSM subculture's ...D/s“ is inherently an abuser dynamic. It's intentionally created in that image.

It's a binary: two things, kept in direct opposition to one another, that are believed to require one another to be whole. This is how straightness works, too: compulsory heterosexuality is cultural programming that tries to instill a fetish—and I use that word advisedly—for ...the opposite sex“. Its goal is to make women feel like they need men for sexual fulfillment, and to make men feel like they need to not be women to be men.

We know culturally enforced straightness is bullshit Because Lesbians (and queers and bisexuals and on and on), but some people (men, mostly) still get ragey when they contemplate the fact that an entire demographic of people (“) are completely unnecessary for an entire other demographic's (...Lesbians“) sexual fulfillment.

Telling Submissive people that they need dominant people for sexual fulfillment is like telling women they need men for sexual fulfillment.

In a word: it's abusive. Don't do it. But BDSM'ers do, all the time. Here, I fixed one of their stupid Tumblr gifs where they did that thing:

But ...D/s“ cultural programming is actually worse than straightness because rather than saying ...given demographic A needs given demographic B to exist for sexual fulfillment,“ it's saying ...given demographic S needs to be submissive to given demographic D for sexual fulfillment.“ If the demographics you said that about were ...women“ and,“ a lot of people would think you're scum.

In a word, saying that is abusive. Don't do it. And yet BDSM'ers not only do do that, they loudly declare that this is something that makes them different from anybody else.“ Hell, I'm not even saying they're wrong about that: the actions of the pastors in The Church of BDSM doesn't strike me as very different than the actions of the pastors of The Church of Jesus Christ. But that's not something I consider a point in their favor, y'know?

The BDSM subculture is the aggregate set of ideas, beliefs, and arts of the people (a culture) who eroticize the pain, torture, suffering, and abuse of a specific demographic of people (Submissives). For an individual, on an individual level, eroticizing trauma can sometimes be healing, but turning that individual experience into a social institution, especially one with political and legal force, is totally irresponsible. It's irresponsible in the same exact way creating a religion, like Christianity, or FIFA fútbol (World Cup Soccer), would be.

And for all their chest-thumping, BDSM'ers are not even ambitious. They're just further atomizing sociosexual facets of human beings into yet-more-dichotomous components for the benefit of a certain demographic's orgasms. ...MAKE ME A SAMMICH, SLAVE!“

Been there. Done that. Can we please do something else, now?

You Can Browse FetLife Profiles Without Logging In
[ Posted Fri, 27 Jun 2014 12:07:13 ]


Alternate title: ...Everything maymay said about FetLife years ago is still true.“

The article also has a brief summary of some history only long-time readers of mine are likely to remember:

This is a replay of an incident that occurred two years ago when a FetLife user created a PHP proxy to illustrate the issues with FetLife's insufficient concern for user privacy. The user, known online as maymay, had been a long-time critic of FetLife's inconsistent approach to user safety, and was one of the loudest voices rallying for the use of cryptographic protocols at login (which FetLife finally adopted in 2011).

The proxy maymay created in the summer of 2012 accessed FetLife and made the profiles of public individuals in the BDSM community available to people outside the network. It took no time for this proxy to be coded, and even less for it to get to work, illustrating how false people's sense of security really is on the kinky network. Because this was an activism project, maymay widely publicized what they were doing; unfortunately, FetLife refused to face the underlying issue, choosing instead to launch a campaign accusing maymay of hacking the site and endangering its users.

Since ...any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,“ and ...any sufficiently technical expert is indistinguishable from a witch,“ FetLife chose to address their piss-poor security by pointing at me and shouting, ...WITCH! WITCH!“ And since the BDSM community has the social and technological competence of a Monty Python movie, most people reflexively shouted ...BURN HIM!“

By the way, the PHP proxy still works.

So then I created Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, and when I presented it at a conference, the typical response from these ...feminist sex-positive consent activists“ was to point at me and shout ...RAPIST! RAPIST!“

This should be one of those attention to what they do, not what they say moments.“ You don't even need to look that closely to notice that the kink/BDSM community isn't trying to end rape culture; they're trying to eroticize it.

See also:

The kink/BDSM community isn't trying to end rape culture. They're trying to eroticize it. We already have a society in which relationship role models are so thoroughly intoxicated with abuser dynamics that most people don't even know what consenting feels like. By celebrating this state of affairs and attempting to normalize the explicit eroticization of abuse with their endless protestations that they're ...just like everyone else,“ what BDSM'ers are doing is in fact worse, not better, than at least feeling conflicted about it.
[ Posted Wed, 25 Jun 2014 10:55:21 ]

—maymay, who self-identified as a Submissive in the BDSM community for almost a decade, was a subject (and is on the cover of) Dr. Newmahr's ethnographic research book about the BDSM subculture, and who lead BDSM workshops and presentations at national BDSM conferences, and has one of the most visible blogs about the BDSM subculture on the Internet.

This perspective isn't coming from ...some outsider who doesn't understand“ what's going on there. Check out these posts on their blog:

Kind of throws a wrench in the whole ...kink shamers just don't understand!!!111!!eleventy“ argument, don't it?

(via maymay)

There's been some concern that [Predator Alert] tool harvests user data and stores it for undocumented purposes. We've spoken with some of the developers on the project, and they've offered up documentation that this isn't true (read more in the FAQ here.) We still believe the tool is safe to use.
[ Posted Mon, 23 Jun 2014 13:15:45 ]

LifeHacker's update to their Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid article.

I have only one thing to say about this. Dear Bitter BDSM'er Brigage: fuck you very much, your concern trolling is the problem. Like, a really big rape-apologizing problem.

(via maymay)

[F]rom the perspective of a vulnerable populace, namely people who are the targets of rape and physical abuse, a system that erodes the power of central authorities (such as website admins, or the cops) is a move towards safety, not away from it.
[ Posted Sat, 21 Jun 2014 19:37:29 ]

Excerpted from ...Revisiting why moderation“ is a feature, not a bug, in the Predator Alert Tools

This is a really important premise: if you think the police are here to protect you, you're not the one being policed.

See also:

(via maymay)


I'm really looking forward to being blamed for this. :)

Important reading:

[ Posted Thu, 19 Jun 2014 10:50:37 ]



The other day, LifeHacker featured Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid on its homepage. Today, I received an email from the post's author, stating that ...the Predator Alert Tool post [is] doing well, but as you warned, some people have descended on it with comments and accusations about you specifically.“ The email then detailed several accusations, all of which there are already copious amounts of information about in the archives of this blog (for instance, here), so I won't go into detail.

I have something else to say.

I understand that many people don't trust me. A lot of these people are self-proclaimed anti-violence advocates. So, what I don't understand is why, in response to their distrust of me, these ...anti-violence“ advocates choose to tell folks not to install anti-violence apps that I wrote while AT THE SAME TIME refusing to acknowledge the fact that the tools' functioning isn't coupled to the tool-maker.

Such a prolonged tool-suppression & FUD campaign isn't new or novel but isn't typically associated w/“anti-violence“ advocates, who tend to suffer from a dearth of tools already. Moreover, I know of no criticism of Predator Alert Tool that's technical in nature.

If there is a technical criticism of Predator Alert Tool's methodology/philosophy, I want to hear it but, years later, there have been none. In fact, as far as I'm aware, even the people who want to dissuade others from using (or, even knowing about the existence of) Predator Alert Tool ultimately concede that the tools themselves are good.

As a friend of mine said:

[Their behavior] creates a[n] obstruction between maymay's anti-violence work and an important community of online users — an obstruction that, most of all, harms people who are less technically savvy and more vulnerable to both online and in-person violence, by limiting their access to (and even awareness of) resources they can use to protect themselves.

Given these facts, it is hard for me to believe that the people ...concerned“ about Predator Alert Tool users are in fact concerned for those user's safety. And while I don't believe all of these concern trolls are malicious, their lack of any technical criticism betrays 2 simple possible explanations.

  1. First, they don't really understand how Predator Alert Tool (or their Web browsers) work.
  2. Or, what they're actually concerned about is a longstanding social grudge against the toolmaker who's receiving positive recognition/acknowledgement.

In either case, whether it be because of technical ignorance or reputation-based social capital, the people who are harmed by FUD (...Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt“) campaigns are always would-be users of tools that don't get used when there is only potential gains to be had by using them. This is akin to telling people not to use (or even write about the existence of) hammers because hammer-makers are racists. And I'm not even arguing that hammer-makers are not racists, nor that I'm a trustworthy person. All I'm saying is that telling people to stop writing about the existence of hammers harms people who need to put nails into a wall and would find hammers useful in doing so.

Because that's how tools (as opposed to belief systems) actually work in the real world: whether or not the hammer-maker is a racist doesn't change the fact that the hammer still puts nails into walls. Likewise, whether or not I am abuser“ does not change the fact that Predator Alert Tool is a useful anti-violence tool users of dating websites can add to their toolkits. This only seems far-fetched if you don't actually know how Predator Alert Tool works (here's yet-another explanation). But given that my collaborators and I have gone to great lengths to ensure both the ideas and the code that implements them are open-source, thoroughly documented, released to the public domain, not knowing how the tool works or spreading misinformation about how they work are ultimately deliberate choices.

Now, we're familiar with the methodology of ...smear & scare“ from corporations, but that self-identified ...anti-violence“ advocates—feminists, even!—stoop to the same level is…well, it's at least educational. :(

The ease w/which Predator Alert Tool can be copied (it's just an idea after all) & the intransigence of its concern trolls' unwillingness to so much as discuss mimicking Predator Alert Tool's methods should at a MINIMUM reveal their priorities, if not intentions.

Anyway this whole thing is extremely frustrating & hurtful and it has been for years. By necessity, I've put an order of magnitude more effort into refuting the endlessly repetitive FUD & bullshit about Predator Alert Tool than in actually creating it. That's very unfortunate because—empirically speaking—the only person who is able and willing to actually write tools like Predator Alert so far is me. Imagine how much more effective tools we could develop if we spent even a fraction of the effort we are currently wasting on this reputation ...debate“ on actually encoding the anti-violence methodology that Predator Alert Tool uses into every social network on the Internet?

And, I'm just saying, well, isn't it a bit fishy that same people who have nothing bad to say about Predator Alert Tool itself seem hell-bent on burying it? It's easy to understand why people may not like or trust someone else, but I find it hard to square how these same people claim to be supporters of anti-violence tools while at the same time preferring to bury discussion about anti-violence tools. Doubly so when those very same people are freely offered replicas of the same exact tool set but without the one thing they don't like about it (me), and yet they still refuse to accept the offer.

So, after years of being homeless and writing Predator Alert Tool code while living out of my car, is it any wonder I get pissed off at these (often paid) full-time activists whose only contribution to a ...debate“ about Predator Alert Tool is actually not even about the tool itself?

Look, I can and do deal with a peanut gallery, but the so-called anti-violence advocates who have been hounding me over PAT for years are not harmless.

They are at best woefully ignorant about extreme fundamental premises of how modern technology works & at worst extremely dangerous bullies who epitomize the exact problem Predator Alert Tool is addressing right now, today.

[ Posted Wed, 18 Jun 2014 15:17:20 ]




My parting (terrifying) thought: These are just the cases where the victim had the courage and family support to come forward publicly to accuse their attackers – even in their positions of power and authority within the church and community. Police and prosecutors know that most of these crimes go unreported – especially within the church. How many more victims suffer in silence every day? If I were still a praying man, I would be praying that the poor victims of these monsters are able to get the best counseling available OUTSIDE the typical ...Christian Counseling“ found within the church. 

"25 More Shocking Arrests": Pastors Charged with Sex Crimes

The Predator Alert Tool project recently released a Predator Alert Tool for Christian Mingle, a dating site that offers to help ...find God's match for you.“ (But only if you are either a seeking a woman“ or a ...woman seeking a man.“) 

In their release notes for PAT-CM, developer maymay noted:

This tool is based on the popular Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, a dating website for the BDSM/leather/sadomasochistic subculture and, I have to say, the code is almost identical for both websites. Coincidence? I think not. :P

Unsurprisingly, Christian culture and BDSM culture have more in common than just how they design their dating sites. In the context of fighting sexual violence, the most salient similarity is the one quoted at the beginning of this post:

Christian communities — especially of some of the more extremist denominations — are often small, insular, tight-knit social enclaves led by unscrupulous abusers. In both BDSM sub-cultures and evangelical Christian sub-cultures, these leaders use their power to foster a sense of vulnerability and embattlement amongst their followers, training them to believe that Christians/“kinksters“ are an oppressed group. Followers are told that they can't trust anyone outside ...the community“ to understand or treat them fairly; and that taking their problems to outsiders, rather than having them addressed internally by the community's (corrupt) leadership, will only give mainstream society more ammunition with which to ...oppress“ them further. 

In short: Both communities suffer from higher-than-average rates of sexual violence, often perpetrated by leaders in those communities, and survivors have little recourse because they have no one to turn to for help besides that same abusive leadership.  

There has been a great deal of work done internally, both in the BDSM Scene and among Christian church communities, to try and address the epidemic of sexual violence in their midst — but that work cannot progress as long as information about sexual violence remains silo'ed between survivors and community leaders who would prefer to silence them. The Predator Alert Tools are important because they takes reporting, discussing, sharing information, and arbitrating the consequences of sexual violence out of the hands of ...the authorities“ and distribute it to the community as a whole.

For this reason, Predator Alert Tool for Christian Mingle might be the most important PAT since PAT-Fetlife for helping protect potential victims from powerful predators right now, today. 

I could probably say something really snarky about the BDSM Scene here, but I'll just link to this damning BDSM community consent survey and leave it at that.

[ Posted Mon, 16 Jun 2014 11:18:10 ]


Tonight's update to the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter adds a feature inspired by the award-winning Circle of 6 anti-violence iPhone app to help cyberbullying targets call for help when they need it:

This screenshot shows a small excerpt from a four hour long cyberbullying dogpile by @nullvoid9 on Twitter, with the new ...Get help from your Support Circle“ link under their tweet.

Your Support Circle are other Twitter users who you know and trust to publicly back you up when you're getting bullied on Twitter. When you're enduring cyberbullying on Twitter, you can use Predator Alert Tool for Twitter to get help from your Support Circle in one click. Everyone in your Support Circle receives a Direct Message asking them to help you, with a link to the harassing messages.

Just the other day, I was harassed on Twitter for more than 4 straight hours by a clique of pop social justice cyberbullies. As a result of that, I spent all night yesterday and all day today trying to come up with more ways to literally encode anti-bullying mechanisms into the technology that I use. As I said then:

[I]f we want to meaningfully address #cyberbullying we need to:

  1. build communication tools for target(s) & supporter(s) to connect, FAST.
  2. Change the way we think about abuse and #cyberbullying (and violence) from ...a thing bullies do“ to experience that a target endures,“ and
  3. nurture mutually meaningful relationships w/other individual people (as opposed to causes for demographics“).

For me personally, this means continuing to literally encode these goals in Predator Alert Tool code. You can help by sharing ideas with me. Until you have an idea to share you can also help by sharing links to work I already did to encode ideas by @unquietpirate & others in code. Those links are easy to find on the Internet, e.g., on LifeHacker and at [my homepage],

The ...Support Circle“ feature I added to Predator Alert Tool for Twitter today is part of me enacting goal number 1: build communication tools for target(s) and supporter(s) to connect, fast.

As usual, sending me bug reports and feature requests are both equally appreciated, as are donations of food to keep me hacking.

[ Posted Mon, 16 Jun 2014 04:08:00 ]


Possibly my most articulate Twitter monologue (about #cyberbullying) ever.
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jun 2014 21:24:26 ]


If Twitter is down, it's also copied here:

Okay, so for anyone still keeping score, it is ~4hrs after @sarahlicity @nullvoid9 @nataliereed84 began insulting me and, yet, I've said ...kill yourself“ to them a grand total of zero times. That's zero, the number that looks like a big round capital letter. Usually, I say ...kill yourself“ somewhere before the end of the first hour & block them. I didn't do that this time. That seems weird, right?

The point here is that IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW NICE WE ARE to bullies, they are still going to be harassing their targets SEVERAL HOURS later. Most folks don't HAVE hours & hours to spend dealing w/cyberbullies. It's just too emotionally intensive+time consuming. It wrecks our days. In fact we usually barely even have enough daily resources to withstand reading a SINGLE 140-char message that is hurtful to us in some way.

Given that bullies will engage FOR HOURS, that they usually tend [to] dogpile in groups & it's hard to withstand even 140char of it, what do you

  • A) suggest we do to support their targets?
  • & B) use to determine WHO a“vs ...bully“ IS in the first place?
That's what I'm working on.

#Cyberbullying is not unique to Twitter, which is why ...Predator Alert Tool is [an] Internet-wide anti-abuse effort.“

Moreover, as abuse is a cultural & not technological problem I believe anti-abuse tools MUST NOT be appeals to authority ala ...Report Abuse.“

For same reason, ...blocking“ bullies is a necessary capability but an incomplete tool in the toolbox as it fails to muster social support to a bully's target. Over & over we see that the only reliable way to get bullies to stop attacking a target is when friends back a target up.

So, if we want to meaningfully address #cyberbullying we need to

  • A) build communication tools for target(s) & supporter(s) to connect, FAST.
  • B) Change the way we think about abuse and #cyberbullying (and violence) from ...a thing bullies do“ to experience that a target endures.“
  • and C) nurture mutually meaningful relationships w/other individual people (as opposed to causes for demographics“). #cyberbullying

For me personally, this means continuing to literally encode these goals in Predator Alert Tool code. You can help by sharing ideas with me. Until you have an idea to share you can also help by sharing links to work I already did to encode ideas by @unquietpirate & others in code. Those links are easy to find on the Internet, e.g., and at

Thank you for your support & help.

See also: “This pattern repeats over and over again in abuse culture.

Predator Alert Tools for OkCupid, Facebook, and Twitter featured by
[ Posted Thu, 12 Jun 2014 23:49:23 ]


The Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid was featured on LifeHacker's ...After Hours“ sex and dating themed site:

Predator Alert is a userscript, which means you'll first need to install Tampermonkey for Chrome, or Greasemonnkey for Firefox, and then install Predator Alert. Once installed, the add-on will prompt you to log in to your profile, and walk you through a number of questions related to consent and sexual violence. By answering the questions, the tool gets visibility into the answers other users provide to the same questions, and it's able to use their answers to raise the red flag if it finds someone dangerous. There's a detailed installation guide and walkthrough here, and more detail on the nature of the questions at the link below.

Once you're all set up, the tool does the rest of the work for you. As you browse OkCupid, the tool will visually highlight any user's profile that's answered those same questions in a concerning way (namely, one that implies that at worst, they have or are willing to sexually assault someone, or at the very least don't care about the other party's consent.) Similarly, each time you open a user's profile, the tool snags the user's profile picture and runs it through the United States's Sex Offender Registry (via for facial recognition matches. It'll display the match percentage next to their profile, and you can click it for more information[…].


Hit the link below to download, and read more about the methodology behind the tool. You can also grab it for other networks as well, including Facebook and Twitter.

Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid | Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed

Check out my blog's Predator Alert Tool tag for lots more, including screenshots of the tools in action.


The Predator Alert Tool for ChristianMingle, or PAT-ChristianMingle, is a tool that alerts you of profiles on Spark Networks' ChristianMingle dating site belonging to people who have reportedly violated others' consent, such as through sexual assault or rape. This tool is based on the popular Predator Alert Tool for FetLife, a dating website for the BDSM/leather/sadomasochistic subculture and, I have to say, the code is almost identical for both websites. Coincidence? I think not. :P

The Predator Alert Tool for ChristianMingle (PAT-ChristianMingle) empowers Internet users like you to anonymously report harassment, rape, and other abuses they have experienced at the hands of a person with a ChristianMingle account. Your report is then automatically disemminated to other PAT-ChristianMingle users, as well as being published on the open Internet.


  • While browsing ChristianMingle, the Predator Alert Tool will visually highlight any user profile you encounter that has allegedly violated another person's consent. Click through to the user's profile for a complete listing of reported consent violations.
  • Each time you load a user's ChristianMingle profile, that user's profile picture is scanned against the United States's Sex Offender Registry using the facial recognition service provided by, and the most likely match is shown to you:

I coded this one blind, meaning I was not online when I wrote it. It works in my tests but I'd love for people to try this out on their actual accounts and let me know how well it works. Report bugs here.

Also, by the way, this makes seven Predator Alert Tools. Seven. Total budget: $0. Still.

And my government still thinks I don't deserve to eat. Fuck.

[ Posted Sat, 07 Jun 2014 09:35:13 ]


Despite many ...anti-bullying“ campaigns, online harassment and cyberbullying are prevalent behaviors. Most anti-abuse efforts fail because they tend to focus on appeals to authority. The now-ubiquitous ...Report Abuse“ buttons on social networking websites like Twitter are one such example, yet their ubiquity have not curbed the behaviors or harm they purport to address or mitigate.

We believe these efforts have failed because cyberbullying and online harassment are cultural, not technological, problems inherited from a society where coercion and abusive behavior offline are normalized. Abusive behavior is no more successfully mitigated in the physical world through appeals to authority than it is likely to be mitigated in the online world through the same sorts of appeals. This is doubly true in an environment where the biggest ...bullies“ are the authorities themselves:

People who are being abused have no recourse, because the systems that are supposedly set up to help them actually harm them further. Victims of domestic violence who call the police are often jailed themselves, because the police are required to arrest somebody and choose to arrest the 'hysterical' victim over the seemingly 'calm and rational' abuser. When I was in grade school, this happened on a regular basis: Kids threw rocks at me, and then I got sent to the principals office, because I punched one of them. It didn't matter that I punched them because they were THROWING ROCKS AT ME. It happens at all scales, including and especially on the Internet.

—@maymaymx, Predator Alert Tool for Twitter developer

To put it less diplomatically, the Internet has been doing abuse“ wrong because its admins are corrupt. The ...Report Abuse“ button should go to the rest of the user community, not just the site admins.

Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is the Twitter part of an Internet-wide anti-abuse effort to change the way people think about bullying, violence, and abuse. Rather than creating an opaque appeal to authority that silences people (such as current ...Report Abuse“ forms), it sends a radically transparent and contextualized signal boost to friends and supporters of the person who bullies and abusers target. Using Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, the targeted user can ask for help and support at the same time as they are alerting the rest of the Twitter user community about behavior they have experienced as abusive.

[ Posted Thu, 05 Jun 2014 17:34:42 ]

I began writing some further concept documentation for Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, because I don't sound enough like a broken record for most people to even begin to understand what the hell I'm doing, yet. It's really lonely being so (intentionally) misunderstood. (via maymay)

The disparity in resource allocation to this problem should tell you something about priorities and efficacy. Observe:


Just a reminder that this post…


Yesterday, there were four dating websites that had Predator Alert Tools. Today, there are five:

As before, these tools are inspired by the academic works of David Lisak and Paul Miller, ...Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,“ 2002, and the academic works of Stephanie K. McWhorter, ...Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel,“ 2009. See ...Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?" for details.

I've also just published a brief tutorial explaining how you can make a Predator Alert Tool for any (and every) Facebook app. Because, again, there is no good excuse for not building sexual violence prevention tools into every social network on the Internet.

Also, yes, Facebook is a website.“ Not only are there speculations that Mark Zuckerberg initially created Facebook so he would have an easier time picking up girls, everything Facebook does facilitates online dating: finding, meeting, and interacting with new people, comparing common interests or ...Likes,“ and posting pretty photos of yourself.

Please remember:

This project is 100% volunteer-run. There are no paid developers. There is no staff.

There is also no budget.

It takes time, heart, and material resources to ensure that this software continues to function, much less is improved on over time. If you can afford to do so, please consider making a donation in the form of food or money to its houseless, nomadic developer at Thank you very much.

…is outdated, because now there is another Predator Alert Tool, this time for Twitter, the most decentralized, user-controlled PAT yet.

That makes 6 tools. Six different Predator Alert Tools, in less than two years, developed using a grand total budget of $0, thousands of lines of code in four different languages written by one person, whose government insists does not deserve to eat.

But, please, do tell us more about how sexual violence online is something you're ...working really hard to address.“ It's not like you have more resources than a homeless person who lives off donated food. Oh, wait….


[ Posted Fri, 30 May 2014 14:52:48 ]


"Consent as a Felt Sense" is not about law, so why does everyone keep talking about The Law?
[ Posted Thu, 29 May 2014 20:05:43 ]


I want to clarify something. But, since every time I speak publicly certain people deem it their personal moral crusade to deliberately misinterpret and decontextualize what I have to say, I'm going to let this other blog post written by this other person clarify for me:

My friends Unquietpirate and Maymay wrote this controversy-provoking article, ...You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense“

To me, the most important thing they point to is that the internet social justice world has so far on the whole done a poor job of distinguishing between ethical and legal frameworks for discussing rape and sexual assault.

[…F]or survivors, the terminology of rape can be very useful and empowering, sometimes, but also very limiting and confusing other times.  I've read writings by survivors who benefited from using the word ...rape“ to describe what happened to them.  I've also read about the process of trying to decide whether an experience fits into the ...rape“ box or the ...not-rape“ box being a confusing and demoralizing obstacle in dealing with that experience, both intra- and interpersonally.

In a legal proceeding, the whole point is to decide whether or not it was rape, according to some very specific definition written by some politician or lawyer.

Outside of a legal proceeding, there may be times when it's way easier and more useful to ask ...was it OK?“ than ...was it rape?“

It doesn't seem at all wierd to say that if you do something with someone, and they don't feel ok about it, either in the moment or at any point in the future, the thing you did wasn't entirely ok.

Maymay and unquietpirate have zeroed in on one very significant example of this misplaced emphasis on legal rather than ethical thinking about rape.  When thinking about sexual ethics, it seems fairly uncontroversial that one would want to think about whether a particular sexual encounter might be something that one party would regret later, and if so, maybe not do it.  It only becomes controversial when we try to shoehorn this reasonable ethical principle into the language of ...consent,“ as Maymay and Unquietpirate have done.  I'm not suggesting that this was an error on their part: they clearly chose their language with the specific intent of being controversial, for various valid rhetorical reasons.

I'm posting this because, ever since we posted ...You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense,“ there's been an ongoing controversy about the ideas therein. When I published my Radical Ethicism followup, said controversy grew. But when I published my most recent take, ...Wherein MRAs and Feminists both agree that legalistic status quo on ...consent“ must not be challenged,“ people's (air-quotes) ...interpretations“ have jumped the shark. (Air quotes because, again, most of these are clearly deliberate misinterpretations—once is a mistake, twice is a problem, three times is a decision.)

Most folks seem to think I was just kidding about the original piece. So, I want to clarify: I was then and am now totally serious and meant every word.

At least for me, the reason I am so enamored with the rhetorical approach of dissolving current consent discourse is because it is so damned useful in highlighting the obsessive legalism with which people approach what the quoted blogger calls ...sexual ethics.“ And my point in highlighting that obsession is to showcase that, in fact, not even the people who appointed themselves to the task of creating a more ...just“ society have actually thought about sexual ethics at all. (I'm talking about pro-consent feminists.) The fact that these people's first and ongoing response to our ...Consent as a Felt Sense“ essay centers legalism when the explicit purpose of the essay is to decenter it should be all the evidence you need.

Unless you, too, don't really care about sexual ethics (to use our words from the essay: about not violating consent“), because what you really care about, or care about more than that is whether you're going to find yourself on the right or wrong side of The Law (to use our words from the essay: what you care about is ...not getting in trouble for violating consent“). If that describes what you do, regardless of what you say, then I do actually think the world would be better off if you killed yourself.

Predator Alert Tool for Twitter empowers you to document harassment on Twitter and alert others about predatory users. What constitutes ...predatory“ is entirely up to you; the software makes no claim as to what behavior hurts you. Predator Alert Tool for Twitter can be used to, for example, flag trolls, warn your followers about rapists, or to expose cops and snitches who use social media. Moreover, what you share can not be censored or removed by Twitter itself because Twitter is never informed of your report.
[ Posted Thu, 29 May 2014 18:16:58 ]

Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is now available as a WordPress plugin.

Here are some more screenshots of PAT Twitter in action. Please spread the word.

(via maymay)


I released the code for my proof-of-concept and first functional prototype of the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter to the public domain. If you want to try it out yourself, you can use the public Predator Alert Tool for Twitter facilitator at I've seeded it with a demonstration warnlist called ...Reputation-addicted putzes“ onto which I've placed the Twitter accounts of @JillianCYork and @CharlieGlickman, as starters. Here are some screenshots.

  • This screenshot shows the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter displaying a ...Predator Alert“ from a public warnlist on the user profile of @JillianCYork, who was added to the list ...Reputation-addicted putzes.“ in the current version 0.1 of PAT-Twitter.
  • Using Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, any and all links to the profile, tweets, or lists of a user who is on a Predator Alert warnlist you've subscribed to are redboxed. In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to their profile to view the alert's details.

    Using Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, any and all links to the profile, tweets, or lists of a user who is on a Predator Alert warnlist you've subscribed to are redboxed. In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to their profile to view the alert's details.

  • The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is distributed to users through "facilitator" websites that keep copies of public data (and only public data). These facilitators also allow you to browse public warnlists and view alerts attached to specific Twitter user accounts. These alerts can not be removed or edited, ever.

    The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is distributed to users through ...facilitator“ websites that keep copies of public data (and only public data). These facilitators also allow you to browse public warnlists and view alerts attached to specific Twitter user accounts. These alerts can not be removed or edited, ever.

Feature requests, patches, and bug reports for Predator Alert Tool for Twitter are welcome. Copying is encouraged. Don't trust me; run your own server for your community and add me to as many warnlists as you want.

Just as before, I welcome your anger, too.

[ Posted Thu, 22 May 2014 19:18:46 ]


Relevant to FetLife, too, as you’ll see from the text. (It all comes together at the end.)



I'm still hacking away on Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, but I've just finished putting some final wax and polish on the user interface for warnlist privacy options. What's really exciting about this is that, unlike Twitter itself, in Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, ...private“ actually means what it says on the tin.

When you make a ...Private“ Twitter list, Twitter claims that ...only you can access this list.“ But we know that's not entirely true. Twitter themselves can also always access that so-called ...private“ list. Moreover, if your Twitter account gets hijacked by someone else, they can also access that list.

In contrast, when you make a ...Private“ PAT Twitter warnlist, not even Twitter themselves, nor anyone accessing your Twitter account can access that list. That's because the warnlist you make private never leaves your Web browser.

Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is a private-by-default, public-by-effort application in the sense that when you mark some of your data ...private,“ it never leaves your Web browser without your knowing about it. Not even Twitter can read your private lists. Because that's what privacy is supposed to mean.

What's important to understand here is that when you ...delete“ something from a service like Twitter or Facebook, you're not actually deleting anything. All you're doing is asking them, to please not show that to anyone anymore. But those companies still keep a copy of the thing you supposedly ...deleted.“ Y'know, for their records. They've been doing that ever since the start. And if you thought you had embarrassing photos on Facebook, have you checked FetLife lately? Yup, FetLife is even worse in this respect.

Another consideration showcased in the Predator Alert Tool for Twitter screenshot shown here is the notion of portability,“ or the idea that can take your data with you wherever you go.“ That's why each warnlist you make also includes an ...Export“ button, which gives you a plain text file containing a backup of your warnlist's data, including all of the Predator Alerts you added to it. If you use multiple browsers, you can export a list you created in Mozilla Firefox and import it into Google Chrome, for example. And when you do that, it stays in that browser.

You can also use the ...Export“ feature to share warnlists in a truly private fashion, such as by sending the exported list to a friend over encrypted email. Of course, your privacy is ultimately your responsibility. The point here is that Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is designed to help you maintain that privacy with as little effort as possible. Inversely, the MO of sites I'm building Predator Alert Tools for, like Twitter, Facebook, FetLife, and OkCupid are all about violating your privacy.

So, there's that.

For a higher-level overview of the upcoming Predator Alert Tool for Twitter, see my user interface preview. And, as always, donations (especially of food) are appreciated. Okay, back to work I go.

This is the coolest.

I'm about to take a sneak peek at the new PAT-Twitter interface. I'm excited about PAT-Twitter for a number of reasons, but one of the most exciting is that this is the first Predator Alert Tool that's ...unhosted.“ That means it's an app that gives you more control over how you interact with the Internet, but it doesn't do that via some corporate or even open-source centralized system. Your private data isn't stored where it can be hacked into by your ex, snooped on by untrustworthy admin, or even requisitioned by the NSA. It's located entirely in your browser, on your own computer only, unless you choose to share it with other PAT-Twitter users in a direct peer-to-peer way. 

This kind of privacy and data portability is important generally speaking, but it's especially essential to allow vulnerable people — such as survivors of sexual violence — share information with each other safely.

[ Posted Wed, 21 May 2014 13:04:13 ]



The most recent report filed in the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife alleges abuse on the part of a FetLife Carebear:

Screenshot of a Predator Alert Tool for FetLife report made against a FetLife ...carebear“ (an on-staff moderator).

It reads, in full:

Fetlife caretaker FAIL. This lady could see that I was being harassed and not only failed to help me, but suspended my fetlife account when I screencapped the abusive crap I was being messaged with to show people, and then issued fake copyright violation notices to get the evidence removed from being hosted. Fetlife do not care if you get abused, they do care to make sure no-one knows about it.

Anyone familiar with my work already knows that FetLife used numerous improper copyright violation notices (DMCA takedown notices) to try to wipe Predator Alert Tool for FetLife off the face of the Internet, and failed. I even sent FetLife an application to become a Caretaker touting how familiar I was with the process of DMCA notice and counter-notice (which I credit them for forcing my hand to educate myself about). For more than a year now, FetLife's been smart enough to stop engaging with me.

But this report is interesting. Firstly, it's a good idea. Report the site admins. I should've thought of that earlier.

More importantly, however, this showcases exactly why the Predator Alert Tool suite is what we actually really need: the abuse“ button on websites shouldn't go to the site admins, it should go to the rest of the user community.

[ Posted Tue, 20 May 2014 13:17:17 ]





As some of you may already be aware, I've been working on the next Predator Alert Tool project. This time, it's for Twitter.

Here is an annotated teaser screenshot showing the current working prototype of Predator Alert Tool for Twitter I'm hacking on tonight.

Predator Alert Tool for Twitter is the first fully decentralized (unhosted), yet still peer-to-peer capable Predator Alert Tool. Like the other PATs, it will be 100% free to use forever and the source code will be placed into the public domain (once I'm ready to release the initial version). Here are some of the core features visible on this one screenshot:

  • The Predator Alert Tool for Twitter integrates cleanly into Twitter's own Web interface. No separate app to use. Once installed, just use as you normally would.
  • You gain two new types of lists in addition to regular Twitter Lists: a ...Twitter Blocklist“ and any number of ...warnlists.“
    • Your Twitter Blocklist shows you all of the Twitter users you've blocked in one place.
    • Your warnlists are where you publish your ...Predator Alerts“ and where you subscribe to Predator Alerts from others. If a tweet shows in any of your timelines from a user who is on a warnlist you've subscribed to, their tweet gets ...redboxed.“ In infamous Predator Alert Tool style, click through to that user's profile to read details of each alert published about that user.
  • Unlike regular Twitter Lists, Twitter users can not remove themselves from Predator Alert Tool warnlists that you add them to, and taking a page from Predator Alert Tool for Facebook's book, you can add users you have blocked or users who have blocked you to warnlists that you make.
  • Subscribe to alerts from sources you trust. You always have the final say; as a fully decentralized system, unlike the Block Bot, this system offers no ability for others to moderate what you publish and thus it has a vastly reduced vulnerability to corruption by social cliques and their inevitable groupthink.

TL;DR? It's like saying ...fuck you“ but with more JavaScript.

There's more to show off but ultimately this isn't ready to go live yet, so I'll leave it at that.

This tool is by far the most technologically interesting Predator Alert Tool I've written so far. (The others were socioculturally fascinating but technologically boring.) That also means it's coming along relatively slowly, because I have to rethink and relearn what I think I know about computer programming. Meanwhile, I also have to do things like sleep and eat.

If you like this idea, please spread the word; I have no interest in ownership. Mimesis matters more than attribution. So if you think you can implement a system like this better or faster than I can, what the fuck are you doing reading this instead of implementing it?

But if you'd rather support me in continuing to work on this myself, please remember that I am currently homeless and your donations of stuff like food REALLY matter. Turns out writing code burns calories. My government told me they don't think I deserve to eat. What do you think?

I'm making a Whole Foods gift card donation to the ...maymay's gotta eat“ fund RIGHT NOW. No joke. (Check your email, may.)

:D Thank you so much the donation and the public support! <3 <3 <3!

[ Posted Mon, 12 May 2014 18:40:17 ]


Public Service Announcement for People Who Use The Internet
[ Posted Sat, 10 May 2014 03:05:07 ]


You are not anonymous.

When you leave a comment filled with rape apologia on my blog under a name like ...Sarah“ but you leave trails (like an email address) which links to a Facebook profile claiming to be a man by the name of ...Alec Brice-Bateman,“ I can trivially learn more about you than you apparently want me to know:


Even if you think you're covering your tracks, I can and will still find you. There are so many ways; IP addresses, browser fingerprinting, timing, or just your friends' comments even if you did everything perfectly. Put simply: I am better at this than you are.

However, it is no fun when it is this easy for me to call you out by name as a rape apologist scumbag:


Try harder, dipshits.

See also:

End of transmission.

Tumblr censors you to protect rapists.
[ Posted Wed, 07 May 2014 13:57:00 ]


Comparisons are useful for the differences they highlight. So, first, here is a showcase of two different interactions with Tumblr support. Then, a short story about men with cameras.

Two email exchanges. A story about men with cameras. Ready?

First email exchange.

Some months ago, I received an email from a follower of mine on Tumblr alerting me to a different Tumblr blog. Their email said:

If you care & have the wherewithal to deal with people writing hateful things about you, this is a thing you could get taken down. So stupid that Tumblr ...needs“ you directly involved! […]


We appreciate your bringing this to our attention. In these cases, we need to hear directly from someone who is being featured or discussed on this blog. They can contact us directly at

In addition, we will need their help in understanding the context of the behavior being reported, examples of the abusive behavior in the form of permalinks (links to individual posts).

Post permalinks are permanent links (URLs) to individual posts, and you can find instructions to locate them at:

Thanks again for your assistance.

Tumblr – Trust & Safety

The blog is a hate blog about a specific person. I believe this is against the community guidelines and should be taken down.

So, I wrote to Tumblr:


I am maymay, the target of the hate blog

Here are three examples of the hateful posts this blog has written about me: , , http://maymayishilarious.

I believe this content is against the community guidelines, and the blog should be taken down.

Can you predict what the outcome of this exchange was? I bet you sure can! Here it is, in full:

Thank you for your note. As you may know, Tumblr is a US site regulated by US law. Tumblr is a provider of content creation tools, not a mediator of that content. We allow our users to create blogs, but we don't make any claims about the content of these pages. Tumblr cannot know whether content is actually defamatory, libelous or slanderous in the absence of a court order.

Given these facts, and pursuant with the immunity provided under Section 230(c) of the Communications Decency Act, Tumblr does not remove allegedly defamatory, libelous, or slanderous material from If a contact email address is listed on the blog, we recommend you work directly with the author to have the content in question removed or changed. If you elect to pursue legal action against the blogger and obtain a court order concerning the content in question, please forward it to us for review.

Beyond that, there are several ways to stop viewing blogs with content that troubles you. Aside from avoiding a blog, as a Tumblr user you can also ...ignore“ a blog from appearing on your Dashboard – please see Ignoring also prevents that account from sending messages to you.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

Tumblr Trust & Safety

I didn't bother responding to or arguing the point with Tumblr, even though their number one ...Community Guideline“ reads:

Don't encourage violence or hatred on the basis of things like race, ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, or sexual orientation. We encourage you to dismantle negative speech through argument rather than censorship. We will, however, remove anything that is overtly malicious.

I did quietly keep an eye on that hate blog. Eventually I sent that blog's operators a message and, apparently a little spooked, they took themselves out of public view.

Second email exchange.

Fast forward to this morning, when I receive a message from Tumblr support whose subject is ...Content Policy Violation“:


We have removed content from your blog at because the content violated the Terms of Service and Community Guidelines that you accepted when you created your account. We do not allow content that violates the privacy of another individual on Tumblr.

If you believe we removed this content in error, you may contact us at detailing your concerns.

You can review Tumblr's Community Guidelines at Repeat violations of Tumblr's policies may result in account termination.

Please let us know if you have any questions.

Tumblr Trust & Safety

The post they'd removed included a screenshot of a statement I filed in the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook about an individual named Alec Brice-Bateman for leaving a comment filled with rape apologia on my blog under the name ...Sarah.“

It had been reblogged a number of times. Indeed, if you reblogged it, you might be surprised to learn that the reblog of the post on your own Tumblr is now also gone. It's vanished, as though you put a pen to paper and the pen gave you an error that said, ...Sorry, you're not allowed to write that.“

I won't bother responding to or arguing the point with Tumblr in this case either. After all, Tumblr's community guidelines also explicitly state:

We reserve the right to enforce, or not enforce, these guidelines in our sole discretion, and these guidelines don't create a duty or contractual obligation for us to act in any particular manner.

I've seen that attitude before. Moreover, this isn't the first time Tumblr has made its tendencies on the issue that rapist's and creeper's and their apologists' ...privacy rights“ trump most everything else.

Those were the two email exchanges. Now, a short story about men with cameras.

On the train. In line at the pharmacy. Even in class. You really never know when someone might snap a picture of you, add a sleazy comment and post it to a highly trafficked site like Reddit to be ogled at by strangers. Don't believe it? It actually happens a lot.

CreepShots, a forum on Reddit devoted to photos taken of women without their knowledge or consent, was recently embroiled in controversy after a teacher was fired for posting a picture of his underage student.

At this time, the sub-Reddit CreepShots has been banned, as has an alternate subReddit, CreepyShots. However CreepSquad, another comparable site, has already cropped up in its place.

Now, a new Tumblr blog hopes to give creepsters a taste of their own medicine.

Predditors — a play on 'Redditors,' a nickname for users of the site — posts personal information about CreepShots submitters, including photos, Facebook pages, marital status, location and occupation, and any other identifying details found by sleuthing on the Internet.

According to Jezebel, the creator of the site is a 25-year old woman who wants posters to be held accountable for their creepiness. ...Reddit's defense of [CreepShots] is that it's 'technically legal,'“ she said. ...So I'm doing something that's technically legal, but will result in consequences for their actions. These fuckers think they can get away with it scot free, which is one of the reasons why sexual violence is so prevalent around the world.“

The site has named 36 Reddit users since it launched on Sept. 29th.


UPDATE: Tumblr has apparently taken down the Predditors blog. Links to the Tumblr account were down on Thursday morning. Users are sounding off about the presumed takedown. You can read their reactions here.


Seeing The Predditors Tumblr being censored was the original inspiration for the Predator Alert Tool software suite. It aims to solve exactly this problem: Tumblr censors you to protect rapists, creeps, and their apologists. Other sites are also notorious for the same kind of behavior, notably FetLife, and I'm pleased that the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife has been a thorn in their side for a while now.

Like FetLife, Tumblr owns all content you post to Tumblr, and they'll enforce their community guidelines (or not) as it suits them. You don't have ...rights“ on Tumblr, you have legally-binding contractual ...Guidelines that you accepted when you created your account,“ their words. You only even exist on Tumblr at their whims. How does it feel, peasant?

Of course, the post that Tumblr removed is still available for a while on Google's Cache, and the censored post is also still available on CiteBite and In classic fashion, the Internet perceives censorship as damage and routes around it.

If you want to help route around censorship, Tumblr's or anyone's, you could just use the ...reblog“ or ...retweet“ or ...share,“ buttons, but then you're guaranteeing that the company whose site you're using can censor everyone in one click. One click to share? One click to censor.

Instead, copy and paste what you want to share into a new post of your own, wherever you are; if you want to make a difference using social media, manually copying pasting things other people want removed is the most important thing to do. (And you are not stealing.) In other words: Bring Your Own Content because as Tumblr made clear today, servers no longer serve, they possess. We should call them possessors.

See also:

Mostly everybody is on the same side—the side of The System—despite the fact all of them think they’re fighting it by fighting each other.
[ Posted Sat, 03 May 2014 16:39:11 ]

Maybe Days: Wherein MRAs and Feminists both agree that legalistic status quo on “consent” must not be challenged.

I trolled one of the largest subreddits where's rights activists“ hang out by posting a link to my ...Consent can be withdrawn“ social experiment post. The result was better than I anticipated. They upvoted my post, realized they got trolled, and then tried insulting me by pointing out how bad of an MRA I am. (Thanks, guys!)

I tried a second time and, again, it worked like a charm. :) Yeah, I'm getting some hate-comments, but it's pretty easy to cross-reference the commenters to their Tumblr accounts, so maybe I'll publish a list somewhere, since their Number One Rule is ...don't send hate messages to their blogs or communicate with the bloggers in any way.“ Like, it's literally listed as the first item of their ...Rules“ list in their subreddit's sideline. (And fuck rules, but also fuck people who make rules only to break their own rules, y'know?)

But wait, it gets better.

The previous posts I introduced to the subreddit made a big-enough splash that now they're trawling back through my blog and are linking the best articles all on their own. I think my favorite comment from them is, ...Most of the stuff I read on this sub makes me laugh or get slightly angry, but this post [You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense] is absolutely terrifying.“

What's even more personally interesting than MRA-hate (which isn't exactly novel or interesting), is that some commenters on the famous anti-MRA site ManBoobz are also disturbed by the same ...Consent as a Felt Sense“ post. To wit:

Maymay is a fucking creepy piece of shit, and yes, a fairly skilled manipulator–that post about consent did a wonderful job of sounding almost reasonable if you haven't had LOTS of conversations about the subject, and so gotten to know about rape-culture language.

This brings up an obvious question: why is it that MRAs decry ...Consent as a Felt Sense“ because they think it swings the balance of power too far in the direction of ...feminists,“ while self-described feminists on a site all about making fun of MRAs decry ...Consent as a Felt Sense“ because they think it further legitimizes the creepiness of MRAs?


Where have we seen this before?

Both reactions were predictable. One need merely skim the social media content of the people responding with an eye towards where they're coming from to see just how predictable. ;)

What's actually interesting about these reactions is that they perfectly mirror one another while not actually addressing anything I've written. Bluntly, the first group of folks thinks what I'm saying is what they're used to hearing from the second group of folks, and the second group of folks thinks what I'm saying is what they're used to hearing from the first group. That's the thing about saying something that won't fit into a binarist's worldview: they'll only hear what they already feel comfortable hating.

You don't need uncommon powers to notice that when two groups of people each disagree with a statement because they think it's what the other group is saying, what's actually being said is something neither group really understands. Moreover, the fact that the reactions identify themselves as being on ...opposite sides“ while attacking the same thing with the assumption that it comes from the ...other side“ suggests what I'm actually talking about is something new, or at least as-yet-unaddressed.

This kind of thing is a fantastic showcase of how, when push comes to shove, almost everybody is really on the same side—the side of oppression culture and its enforcers—despite the fact that all of them think they're fighting The System by fighting each other.

Anyway, I've linked to (my tweets about) the Reddit threads above in case any of my followers feel like shooting any of these MRA or feminist fish in their barrels. Have fun. :)


There can be no consent where it can't be withdrawn.

Attributed to Miguel Duque, this is the basis of the essay by unquietpirate and I that's getting a bunch of the right people super scared: ...You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense.“ The right people, of course, are rape apologists (though the loudest objections seem to be coming from MRAs).

Soon after that essay's publication, I published a two-part elaboration. It expands on the premises we introduce in the essay, as a response to some of the initial discussion it generated, called ...Radical Ethicism, Part 1: What is consensuality?" and "Radical Ethicism, Part 2: Ethic of Consent, applied.“

So, here's the experiment. First, set it up.

Bob and Andy are having sex. This is sex that they have both agreed to. But, in the middle of the sex, Andy starts feeling bad (it doesn't matter why; unexpected and undesired physical pain, or a bad memory) and no longer wants to continue having sex just then with Bob. Andy verbalizes this desire, such as by saying, ...I want to stop having sex.“ Assuming that Bob views himself as ...not a rapist,“ what should Bob do if he cares more about his self-image as ...not a rapist“ than about having sex with Andy? Should Bob:

  • keep having sex with Andy, or
  • stop having sex with Andy.

I think you would be hard-pressed to find someone who could argue that Bob should continue having sex with Andy while keeping a straight face. (If you do, though, YIKES.) The point here is simply that Andy has ...withdrawn consent,“ in exactly the way most people conceive of it, and the ethical thing to do is, of course, stop fucking.

Now, the thought experiment: ask, ...How long after they start having sex is it okay for Andy to feel bad about that encounter?“

Since most people (including self-described ...feminists who do consent work“) wrongheadedly think of consent as functionally identical to permission, they'll give you an answer along the lines of ...until the sex act is over.“ What they're showing you is that they don't really believe that ...consent can be withdrawn“ at all. If they actually believed that, they would tell you that it doesn't matter when Andy starts feeling bad; there is no arbitrary point in time when someone loses the ability to ...withdraw consent“ that they once ...gave.“

Andy has the right to feel however Andy feels, whenever Andy feels it. And, y'know what? So do you.

Try it out. Especially on self-described feminists. Let me know how it goes. :)

[ Posted Wed, 30 Apr 2014 12:45:56 ]


Another survey shows consent violations rampant in BDSM Scene, play parties worst of all

A survey of the Dutch BDSM Scene finds even higher levels of serious consent violations than the earlier US-based NCSF survey. The Dutch survey's abstract:

In the Dutch scene, pre-negotiated limits and safeword are ignored on a regular basis. Likewise, many kinksters have experienced scens that. With hindsight, went too far. This is not always considered bad, and it's certainly not always experienced as abuse. Consent is a less absolute given as usually assumed. Condent [sic.] is the norm, but not always actual practice.

A substantial part of the consent violations happens at parties. The idea that parties are safe places for a first scene should be revised at least a little.

The survey is also interesting because it went on to ask respondents to assess the ...severity“ of the consent violation, the first survey of its kind I know of to treat consent violations as graded rather than as the literally insane binary with ...totally fine“ on the one hand and ...end of the world“ on the other. The study's conclusions are therefore unsurprising:

Consent violations are rife in the Dutch language BDSM scene. Many respondents experienced multiple consent violations, many of which also of multiple types. 64,4% of the respondents has experienced one or more types of consent violation. A substantial part of those has experienced mutiple instances of consent violations of one or more types.

For ignored limits and safewords we see clearly groups of instances that were not bad and groups of instances that were bad. For scenes gone too far, by contrast, we see a big group who considered it ...medium bad“. A substantial number of the consent violations is not experienced as bad at all, but 14,6% of the respondents has experienced at least one bad consent violation and 20,6% has experienced at least one consent violation as abuse.

Therefore, it seems that the mantra of consent as basis for SM isn't entirely right. There is a clear discrepancy between the norm and reality. Consent is violated regularly, and sometimes that is bad, and sometimes it is not. But it is obviously something that happens to a lot of people. An interesting question, then, is why some instances are bad, while others are not. There are at least two theoretical explanations. It could be the nature of the consent violation (some violations are less bad) or the attitude of the people (some people consider consent violations worse than other people). We have no data to say anything about the first theory. The second theory is unlikely to explain all variation, as only 3,8% of the repsondents didn't find consent important. The first theory therefore seems to be the more likely one.

Women experience consent violations more often than men en seem to experience that more often as bad than men (though differences are small). Women also experience consent violations more often as abuse, and although numbers are small it seems that mostly women consider filing charges. The question remains if women are victim of more serious consent violations, or if they experience them as more serious. Based on this study, we cannot answer that question.

Subs experience ignored limits and safewords more often than doms, with switches in between. For scenes gone too far there is no significant relation. Subs experience consent violations as worse than dominants, with switches in between for ignored limits and safewords. Switches consider scenes gone too far less bad as dominants and subs. Subs consider consent violations more often as abuse than dominants, with switches again in between. Hence, there seems to be a pretty clear relation between orientation and consent violations.

None of these conclusions should come as any surprise to regular readers of this blog, who may by now be well-versed with my oft-articulated premise that consent violations are the defining pillar of BDSM Scene subcultural activity. But, if you're not, you will probably want to read my detailed analysis, ...Explaining ...Dominants are rapists“ in excruciating detail: a step-by-step walkthrough“ to get up to speed.


Today's update to the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid brings automatic facial recognition scans of OkCupid user profile pictures against the United States's national Sex Offender Registry using the service provided by As you browse the site, an ...RSO facial match“ percentage is shown to you. Click the ...RSO facial match“ percentage on their profile to get a pop up with more information from

Help spread the word about this, as well as the other Predator Alert Tools such as the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook.

There's no good excuse not to build sexual violence prevention tools into every social network on the Internet.

[ Posted Fri, 25 Apr 2014 19:04:22 ]



With the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife installed in your browser, every time you load someone's FetLife profile page, their profile picture is now scanned using the facial recognition service provided by and matched against mugshots in the United States's national Sex Offender Registry. Here's what it looks like in your browser:

The Predator Alert Tool for FetLife adds a ...Possible Registered Sex Offender matches“ section to each FetLife profile and shows you the registered sex offender that has the highest facial recognition similarities to the face in the user's profile picture.

Click the ...Search“ button to click through to CreepShield's complete list of criminal histories and known aliases found.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

I am claiming the Internet as a sovereign entity in which rape apologists are not welcome. Effective immediately, rape apologists on the Internet should get offline or watch their fucking back.

See also:

[ Posted Fri, 25 Apr 2014 16:15:25 ]



Screenshot of preliminary integration with for Predator Alert Tool for FetLife. is a service that uses facial recognition software to determine weather an image they're given is a photo of a registered sex offender. They're a business, and as such I do not trust them. They impose arbitrary limitations designed to boost their profits, but I'm working on figuring out a way to get around those. I got as far as getting the search process automated, but there's still some hurdles to overcome.

CreepShield's holding company wants you to create an account and tell them who you are to make meaningful use of their service, or else pay them for access to their formal API (which I will never do). I absolutely abhor that this kind of technology is being marketed as a business—this is a great example of how almost all the benefit of technological advancement is provided only to the already rich and powerful. It's absurdly unethical to require people to pay you to help keep them safe; that's the definition of a protection racket.

Also, there are enormous problems with the registered sex offender database itself, not least of which is that the information in it isn't always very good, and when it is used by dating sites, it just further erodes user's privacy.

Nevertheless, exists now, and there's no putting the genie back in the bottle. So, frak their business model bullshit. Let's just use the tool anyway.

Those of you who have already installed Predator Alert Tool for FetLife from should see an automatic update once this feature is released (and I can't make any promises on when that will be, what with my being functionally homeless and stuff).

But I'm sharing this early because I want you to spread the word.

And spread the word about the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid and the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, too. I'm gonna build this into those tools, next.


Hey, rapists, and rape apologists: watch your fucking back.

[ Posted Thu, 24 Apr 2014 20:54:00 ]

Heterosexuality is a fetish. Why wasn't it ever in the DSM?
[ Posted Thu, 17 Apr 2014 18:28:38 ]


There's this thing called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, more commonly known as ...the DSM.“ To put it bluntly, the DSM is a big dictionary of mental health ...problems“ that stodgy old bigots use to pretend that they're justified in calling people who do things differently than they would like ...mentally ill.“ An entire section of the DSM is devoted just to ...sexual paraphilias,“ which, again, has historically been used to jail, drug, or murder people who don't conform to hegemonic power structures like, ...Make me a sammich, woman!“ Some super famous people were treated this way, like Alan Turing, who was considered mentally ill because he was gay (that is, he identified as a man and only got turned on by two dudes fucking).

Here's the thing about the DSM, though. It's blatantly self-contradictory. Check this out.

In not so many words, the DSM describes a fetish as ...something whose presence is required in order to experience sexual gratification.“ So, for instance, someone with a ...shoe fetish“ simply does not feel aroused in sexual situations wherein they cannot focus on shoes. Likewise, someone with a ...spanking fetish“ needs sex to incorporate spanking in order to get off on it.

Fetishes are diverse, and sometimes amazingly specific (which I always thought would kind of suck, because dang, how unfortunate for the dude who can't really enjoy getting off unless he's masturbating in the rain while sucking on someone else's toes, right?), but the central point is that they're required to satisfy that person's sexual tastes.

We all grew up being told over and over again that fetishes are weird, strange things that only perverts and not ...normal people“ have. Almost no one really questions the mechanism, the logic behind this assertion. We just kind of take it as axiomatic that if you have a fetish, you're a pervert. And if you have a particularly uncommon fetish, you're even more perverted.

Here's what's weird about that.

People without fetishes get called perverts, too, because of their lack of certain, very specific fetishes. It turns out that the only people who mainstream society, absurdly ...legitimized“ by ridiculous documents like the DSM, don't consider ...fetishists“ (and thus ...normal“) are people with very specific, culturally approved fetishes. Here's a list of a few of them:

  • Straight men.
  • Straight women.

Actually, okay, that's pretty much the entire list, right there.

Think about it: a straight man is declaring himself to have a femininity fetish. He's not even shy about it. His whole identity is constructed around the very simple concept that he requires the presence of feminine-presenting people to get turned on. He boasts about how much of a man he is by amplifying the strength and importance of this very specific fetish. Things that signal femininity to straight men are turn ons, while things that signal something else, like masculinity, are not.

Dude, that's the definition of a fetish. You have a fetish for women. And, like, that's cool, bro. Fap to it, man! But let's call a spade a spade and at least acknowledge that you have a fucking fetish, all right?

The same is true for straight women. They are masculinity fetishists. Same logic applies. In fact, so are gay men. They're pretty hardcore masculinity fetishists, too, and that's somehow not at all hard for most folks to understand. But call a straight man a ...woman fetishist“ and his tiny little culturally-imprisoned mind is likely to explode in your face. (So, y'know, be careful with that. Exploding straight dudes' minds is an extreme sport much like bullfighting, not to be undertaken without extensive practice and possibly protective gear like a bunch of your friends backing you up.) In fact, you can describe all identities whose definition is based on what kind of characteristic they are attracted to in this way: S&M ...dominants“ are submission fetishists (and also by definition rapists).

Looking at things this way, it's suddenly not at all strange to note how many ...straight“ men and women“ their ...bisexual side“ when they first experience sexual arousal from a gender presentation they didn't expect. It's not that they're ...bisexuals,“ per se, it's that they don't have a heterosexuality fetish. And that's cool, too, y'know? It's just like how some people don't have shoe fetishes, and some do.

From this perspective, you know who the least fetishistic people are? Yeah. Queers. Go team.

What's totally crazy about society is not that fetishes exist. It's that people without fetishes are considered ...deviant,“ even while the very definition of the word intentionally implies deviance and perfectly describes most people for whom the definition is never actually applied to. How many of the DSM's authors had a heterosexuality fetish? Certainly not none of them, y'know?

After all, a fish will never discover water.


This machine stops rapists. But for it to work, you have to actually use it.

The Predator Alert Tool for Facebook helps survivors of sexual violence connect with other survivors in their social networks and start conversations with friends about consent.

Up to 85% of rapes are committed by someone the survivor already knows. And nearly 70% of American adults use Facebook. This means it's likely that a survivor of sexual violence is Facebook friends, or friends-of-friends, with the person who attacked them.

The Predator Alert Tool is a free app you can add to your Facebook account.

Emphasis added. Think about it for a minute. No, seriously, think about it and all that it implies.

See also:

[ Posted Fri, 21 Mar 2014 13:18:49 ]

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I'm puzzled that neither you nor any of the subsequent commenters mentioned the work of maymay, both in exposing the problems of Fetlife and providing a work-around for the problem of abuse reports being censored, namely the PAT-Fetlife browser extension. It highlights people who've had abuse reports against them in yellow as you browse the site, and you can find out what the reports are (and whether to ignore them or not - some are just trolling) by clicking their profile. Maymay's been doing some pretty unethical things to promote the tools (a viral marketing campaign telling people to 'kill themselves' on twitter for instance) which I don't agree with, but I think the tools themselves still should be publicised and used. The code for them is publicly available, so they could be taken from maymay and hosted by someone more impartial and trusted. The more of us who use them, the safer Fetlife becomes for those who still want to use it.

It seems unlikely that you'd accidentally leave maymay out of a discussion like this (even just to disapprove of them) so my conclusion is that you're trying to deny them the oxygen of publicity because you disapprove of their methods. In which case, perhaps this comment will not be published. I do think the PAT-Fetlife tool is too important to ignore, though.

[ Posted Sun, 09 Mar 2014 15:10:15 ]

Comment by Anonymous on Safe Words, one of a slew of articles talking about the undeniable epidemic of rape perpetrated by supposedly ...consent-positive“ BDSM community members that totally ignores any mention whatsoever of, well, anything that might actually make a difference.

Also, I didn't realize telling people whose first interaction with me is telling me that I'm ...garbage“ to kill themselves amounts to ...a viral marketing campaign,“ but, hey, at least this person has the right idea with respect to what marketing campaigns are: efforts to get you to kill yourself.

If any of you are marketers, kill yourselves. But seriously. If you are, do.

See also:

(via maymay)


Did you know? Premium content that you ...have to“ pay for to watch on FetLife can actually be viewed by anyone, even if they never log in to a FetLife account (because FetLife ...privacy“ and "security" is piss poor). This means people who paid for a FetLife subscription to watch videos can share those videos with others using free, direct links that never expire.

The FetLife Video Sharer script:

Lets you share videos on FetLife with anyone for free. Gives you a direct, free link to bookmark so you can watch FetLife videos even when you are not logged in to your account. Send the link to someone without a paid FetLife membership account to make it possible for them to watch the video for free, too.

Learn more at

[ Posted Sun, 09 Mar 2014 13:46:51 ]



An easily searchable interface to all reports in the Predator Alert Tool for FetLife. In addition to FetLife, hacktivists have created Predator Alert Tools for sites like Facebook and OkCupid.

See also:

[ Posted Tue, 04 Mar 2014 13:53:09 ]


REMINDER: Predator Alert Tools for Facebook, OkCupid, FetLife, and other websites exist. Read about how you can use Predator Alert Tool to help you and your friends resist rape culture.



Report abusers on Facebook with the Predator Alert Tool

There's a great Facebook app that lets you report people as predator.

What to do: Log your experiences with the app, and they appear in a database of consent violators. The disclosure settings are super-good e.g. you can log comments anonymously, set it to ...only show to other people affected by the same person“, etc.

If someone's being a massive creep, or if you just want to flag up a known predator/abuser, then you may really like this.

The Facebook app:
How-to video:
How to add red boxes around known abusers on Facebook:
Other information:

Note: it also exists for OKCupid, Fetlife, and some other sites.

Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid:

Predator Alert Tool for FetLife:

And other sites.

Tons more info about this:

[ Posted Mon, 13 Jan 2014 10:55:20 ]

Rolequeer petplay seldom involves ...puppies“ and ...owners.“ It's more likely to include a pile of foxcubs or a couple of tigers.
[ Posted Sat, 11 Jan 2014 12:49:00 ]

In other words, rolequeer petplay probably looks less like BDSM than it does like furry sex. Yes, we're just that uncool. ;)

On Twitter this morning, @aliensnipehuntr asked ...what exactly 'rolequeer' play is like.“ The way they asked smacked of someone wondering ...what do two girls do in bed, anyway?“ (We roll around like giant pandas, duh.) So maymay and I both snarked back — but I also linked them to my exploratory description of what rolequeer play might involve

Obviously, I can only speak about specifics from my own and some of my partners' experience. There will be other rolequeer folks out there whose play looks nothing like mine (and that's the point.) But one thing seems worth pointing out:

Rolequeer play is about breaking power dynamics — both ones that are internal and ones that are external to a given ...scene“ — and as such, it is oriented towards developing increasingly egalitarian sexual and social relationships. This is different from ...vanilla“ play, which begins from the assumption of a (fictional) power equity between partners; rolequeer play begins from the assumption of a power differential and makes power equity its goal. (The hotness is in the process. ;D)

Still, many people consider the difference between ...BDSM“ and ...vanilla“ play to be the existence or lack of an (explicit) power differential. Since rolequeer play involves intentional and increasing periods of power-equity, rolequeer play will often appear more ...vanilla“ on the surface than much of the ...BDSM“ you're used to. (Or, y'know, it might look like furry sex. Or drama therapy. Or like a really long conversation.)

Some people might think that sounds ...really boring" but I'm pretty sure it's some of the kinkiest stuff I've ever done

(via unquietpirate)

For the record, I roll around like a giant eel. And then I curl up into a ball like a tiny kitty. And it feels fucking awesome.

That is all.

(via maymay)

See also further discussion on “Rolequeerness is not about sex. It’s about power.”:

The key point here is the breaking of the D/s binary from all angles. It is never true that someone is only ever submissive and someone else only ever dominant. It is never true that someone is only ever victimized and never an abuser. It is never true that someone is always consenting and never coercing. Those binaries are only true in the (narrow) context of a given story about what's going on in a complex world.

And, if your goal in our complex world is to activate the willingness of people in a position of power to do ethical things (say, resist worker exploitation), eroticizing those ethics proves pretty useful. In that light, eroticizing dominance—and especially brainwashing whole demographics of people to think they have to be dominated in some way to have some need met, such as being fed (i.e., workers, via Capitalism), or experiencing sexual intimacy (submissives, via BDSM)—is just downright WRONG. (See: Secretary.)

If that's not your goal, then my sincere intention is to kill you, end your way of life, and forever eradicate your belief systems from the face of the universe. (This is directed at the general“) I.e., the rich.“


Okay kids, let's try this one more time:

I've said it before and, if I have to, I'll say it again: Rolequeerness is not about BDSM. It's not a word for BDSM'ers.


[ Posted Tue, 07 Jan 2014 11:57:11 ]


Rolequeerness is not about sex. It's about power. It's just that power, in rape culture, is about sex.
[ Posted Mon, 06 Jan 2014 18:55:47 ]


I really appreciate seeing vdsdisc's internal monologue and thought processing here, so, reblogging. Also, thanks, vdsdisc. Also, I have some thoughts. :)



This is a great example of what ...trying to be a cool kid“ looks like. It's a (possibly unintentional) habit learned from the justice“ Scene that makes people think that in order to do something, you have to be a certain thing, first. It's a trap.

Let safeword show you how to do it wrong:



wait can i still be rolequeer by supporting the breaking of those higherarchies and binaries even if my personal behavior always does fall on one side of the binary that i oppose and that has been defined by others?

like what if i'm not ...submissive as hell and cocky as fuck about it“? what if i'm dominant and not a fucking douche about it? is being a deeply, radically consent-aware dom who resists and subverts oppression in my practice queering the definition of ...dominance“ enough to count?

i want it to!!

Labels being personal things, this isn't something people can really decide for each other. If someone feels it fits them/works for them, then so it is. But if you're looking for opinions - I'd say, absolutely you can. I mean, I don't identify as submissive either (though for me it's that I'm not D/s at all). And I think it would be very odd/not-right/cognitively dissonant if an identity centrally about ...disrupting binary notions of … Dominant/Submissive“ only took people from one side of said boundary. 

On a related note, the same author has also written stuff specifically for/about Dominants, and talked a lot about that in their next post too.

If someone disagrees about who can use 'rolequeer' - well, as everything from 'bisexual' and 'asexual' to 'feminist' shows, conflicts over labels show up quite a bit for both sexuality and anti-oppression work. I guess this one would just be starting rather early. 

Okay, look.

First of all, I don't give a shit what you are. But as long as you're asking about this, safeword, you should know that you're already ...doing it wrong.“ Very wrong.

Earlier, you wrote:

i am very concerned with maymay's recent ...Dominants are rapists" post (and expanding thoughts) and some of the discussion around them…

And later, in almost no time at all, in an edit to that same post you concluded:

on a closer rereading of the first article i am now pretty confident that i am not one of the doms that are being discussed here because i am not a shitty person

I wasn't gonna say anything but your most recent post asking if you can ...still be rolequeer“ is just dangerous ignorance masquerading as self-questioning. Exactly contrary to your assertion ...that [you] completely understand the crux of the argument,“ you very clearly don't.

UnquietPirate hinted at exactly this happening. Lyricalagony, you should pay special attention to this:

One of the hardest things about calling a cultural institution, rather than specific individuals, out for being abusive is knowing that the people who need to hear it least are the ones who will take it to heart most.

The people for whom the criticism is most intended will be the most likely to ignore it, write it off, attack it, or decide it doesn't apply to them.

What safeword did was that very last thing: ...decide it doesn't apply to them.“

(Not) Sorry to burst your bubble, safeword, but the fact that you did that proves how much our ...Dominants are rapists“ series directly applies to you.

I don't really care what you (or anyone) calls yourself. You can“ rolequeer, Martian, heteroflexible, it doesn't matter. Use whatever labels you goddamn want.

But you cannot actually ...break those [Dominant/submissive] binaries […] even if my personal behavior always does fall on one side of the binary that i oppose and that has been defined by others?“ because then you're not doing anything other than maintaining the status quo at all.

And this isn't some kind of complex meta-philosophical point, it's basic logic. Safeword's asking ...can I say I built a bookshelf even if I never do anything that actually builds a bookshelf, and still call myself a carpenter?“ Well, yes, you can still call yourself a carpenter, but your words are totally meaningless, and you're an incompetent carpenter. But, yes, you can totally still call yourself a carpenter if you want, so feel free.

But don't act all surprised if a bunch of other carpenters get upset with you about your use of the word. Moreover, they'd be totally within their rights to tell you to fuck off.

(I am telling you to fuck off, safeword, that you are adding nothing of value to the conversation about rolequeerness and that you should probably STFU for a good long while about it.)

Look, it's not that complicated. There aren't ...anti-coercion dominants“ and dominants.“ Dominance itself is about coercion. Sexual dominance is always pro-rape. Period. This is the same exact ontological idea as the structural truth that there aren't ...anti-racist white people“ and ...racist white people.All white people are racist. All dominants are rape apologists.

LyricalAgony is being very nice to safeword for absolutely no good reason. Cut it the fuck out.

Just a smattering of thoughts for later:

* There is danger in rigid identities. I have to think about shit like this like stickynotes with little explanations on them. Every label/identity claimed has a REASON and the 'because' tells me where my thinking is. If I get tied to the identity and lose sight of the reason, it's dangerous as FUCK. Why the fuck do I claim a particular identity? Why the fuck do I claim a particular label? It's goddamn fucking okay to interrogate my reasons. Stickynotes are made to come off but damned if they aren't useful for transferring info.

* Oh. 'dominants are rape apologists' because people who claim a dominant identity benefit from the system defacto. System broken. Everything sucks. That's not a particularly complicated concept, but it's easy for me to forget that claiming an oppressor identity MEANS things. Sometimes really shitty things. Also: surprise, me! Dominant is an oppressor identity because BDSM is a subculture that replicates and amplifies the culture it comes from. Goddamnit, fuck everything.

* Hard to wrap my head around: Dominance always about coercion? ALWAYS? How? And how does this interact with 'Dominants benefit from structural oppressions' thing? It feels the same but different. 'Dominance' with respect to oppressions and the replication thereof… yes. So- what am /I/ doing when I do things that look the same but are also play? Damage?! Perpetuation? Subversion?

* Okay, so how does the stuff I like interact with this whole conscious rolefuckery stuff? *squints at it* *tilts head* The stuff I like doesn't NEED to be predicated on a blanket identity of dominance. Why is the knee-jerk to be 'dominant' to enter into the kind of play I like? What happens if I'm not dominant or the stuff I do isn't dominant? (What happens if I'm not coercive and rapey and the stuff I do isn't coercive and rapey?) What positive/negative things did I get from my layover in the BDSM scene if put into an oppression context? What aspects of the play I like still cleave to my current concept of responsible (ethical) power exchange? Are the terms D/s and power exchange no longer interchangeable? Does power exchange properly describe the concept I'm trying to get across or is it equally as bad? (Exchange meaning that all parts get what they want out of it, or else the exchange fails.) How do I need to update my concept of ethical power exchanges with current new information? Do I need to scrap the concept and start over again?

* Rolequeer?!? Further investigation needed.

/questions for now

I think one of the things that trips up a lot of people in all this is the idea of exchange. ...Erotic power exchange“ is just a very polite way of describing permission-predicated rape threats. This shouldn't come as a surprise if you understand that all systems of exchange when employed in a coercive context (like, say, capitalism, or rape culture) are basically a cascading series of threats.

Relationships that are founded on a principle of exchange are always and forever going to be coercive. That doesn't make them categorically bad, it just means that they're going to have at least some important coercive elements. Coercion itself is not ...bad.“ But ...bad things“ are usually coercive.

In a non-sexual context, you can take some inspiration from mutual aid and collective action organizing. When you for“ someone (like, in a job), that's a coercive situation, because your alternative is impoverishment and, possibly, starvation. In reality, I think it's pretty obvious to pretty much everyone that "doing work" has nothing to do with "having a job."

The important point about workplace coercion is that the product or result of the“ isn't actually advancing a situation in which the worker (the people who labor“) are able to extricate themselves from. When you have a job, what you are doing is perpetuating a system that necessitates the having of jobs in the first place. This is true regardless of the kind of job you have; it's not actually structurally different if you're a banker on Wall Street or if you're a teacher in an overcrowded school. This is even true if the job you have is your ...dream job,“ because a dream job is just a different kind of nightmare.

When you ...have a job,“ you're participating in a system whose entire purpose is to cascade a series of finely tuned threats onto you, so that you are forced to pass those threats along to someone else. That is what money in a capitalist global economy is: money is just a cascading series of threats.

But we can't just not conceive of relationships. So if we're not going to conceive of relationships as a mechanism for facilitating exchanges, how can we reframe them? Rather than exchange, how about exploration?

Relationships that are based on exploration are a lot less coercive, by design. That is not to say that they are therefore never coercive. Moreover, I don't think a reasonable or helpful goal is to “never utilize coercion.“ Rather, I think that where explorations in relationships are coercive, the one and only circumstance in which coercion is ethically utilized—that is, where the person doing the coercing can integriously consider themselves ...not an abuser“—is a situation where the person doing the coercing acknowledges that situation to be coercive, and is choosing to do that at the behest of a person desiring to be coerced. That is, coercion is ethical only when someone is (meta-)consenting to having their consent violated and the coercing party is mindful of both these conflicting layers.

Instead of approaching a relationship or an interaction with some pre-scripted ...goal,“ an attitude of conquest, we could approach a relationship or interaction with nebulous interest, an attitude of curiosity. The relevance to rolequeerness of critiquing an eroticization of dominant and submissive behaviors is that it provides a backdrop against which we can begin an exploration by moving away from that: rolequeerness is related to D/s only insofar as rolequeerness is not D/s. That's why ...rolequeer“ is also not interchangeable with ...switch.“ Unlike switching, which is about moving power between people as if they were on a see-saw, rolequeering is about everyone involved helping everyone else divest of their abilities to use the power they have coercively. This is what is meant by ...a methodological framework for downward mobility in the power gradient of oppression culture.“

In a workplace, a rolequeer boss might do everything they can to support an employee's professional development and then, rather than offer a promotion, that boss would encourage employees who mastered the job to quit. In a school, a rolequeer teacher might jettison the school's curriculum and start sharing information about how to drop out of school and not be treated a drop-out,“ covertly if necessary. A rolequeer parent or legal guardian would teach their legal charge about ...parental controls“ software, not activate any of them, and then explain how to get around any of those controls when they are active.

In a workplace, a rolequeer employee might share their salary and benefits details with other employees, especially against company policy. In a school, a rolequeer student might let other students cheat on bullshit tests by copying their answers. A rolequeer child might lie to an angry parent about their sibling's supposed infraction to cover for them.

In all of these examples, the important point is that the activity intentionally undermines the rolequeer person's ability to control, manipulate, or coerce other people. In each case, taking the action described puts the person who took the action in a more vulnerable position in relation to some entity that has more power over them, like a school board chairperson, the CEO of their company, or even fellow employees. That's why we say ...rolequeers are submissive as fuck and cocky as hell about it,“ and also why we say cannot be a Dominant-identified rolequeer.“ These are activities, behaviors, and beliefs that are at this point in time extremely dangerous, but create the possibility of disenfranchising the system of coercion itself, rather than other individual people. Dominance never does that. After all, there's a reason employers support social norms that discourage employees from sharing information about their salaries: that norm hurts employees, not employers. There's reason monogamous cultural norms discourage talking about one's exes; that norm helps abusers, not survivors.

One of your questions is ...Dominance is always about coercion? ALWAYS? How?“ If you stop thinking about sex and start thinking about dominance itself (the ability to dominate), the answer becomes obvious. For instance, the ...dominant“ employee takes a promotion, an act that grants them institutional power over fellow employees. (...Dominants play to win.“) The rolequeer employee quits the company. (...Rolequeers play to quit the game.“)

Again, the central point here is that ...rolequeer“ is not just some subclass of BDSM activity. It's about the way we orient ourselves to power—in every context—and doing something with that power that's ...the opposite of what's expected,“ or at least something unexpected.

In a blog post exploring gendered behaviors in partnered dance communities, and specifically in breaking out of gendered dance roles like ...lead“ and ...follow,“ Kat Whimsy independently coined the term ...rolequeer“ even before I first popularized it on Twitter. Kat wrote:

Where do we draw the line between dancer, who should be coddled“ and ...experienced dancer, who can deal with wackiness“? I am willing to make the sacrifice of dancing ...normal“ in order to help out people who have never danced before. I'm willing to make the sacrifice for people who have only danced once or twice. But where does it end? Most dance forms don't have magical level tests you must pass to determine whether or not you are ...experienced“, and even if they did, experience from skill level is very different from experience from time spent doing the form.

Additionally, is it misleading to dance normal for a new person, especially in a group that doesn't regularly do that, or has a regular population of ambidancetrous or rolequeer persons? After all, the status quo for that specific population is to have certain people dance against the norm. If they all dance normal for newbies, then will the newbies be more confused when suddenly people start switching roles again?

I like Kat's use of ...rolequeer“ here because it's spot-fucking-on and emphasizes the kind of exploration I'm talking about, above. Dance is a great example of a prescribed social interaction with a clearly defined ...script.“ The interaction is often very rigid: left foot here, right foot there, hands like this. But the ideal outcome of ...a good dance“ is extremely vague. In that way, it's not unlike sex.

Of course, while heteronormative sex is very scripted (insert tab A in slot B, remove, repeat), sex is actually more like the generic concept of dance than it is like any particular kind of dance. Sex isn't the foxtrot, or a tango—it's not necessarily a given activity. But that doesn't mean you can't do a given activity (like the foxtrot, or a tango) as sex.

This makes both dance and specific sexual communities of interest (like the BDSM Scene) useful microcosms in which to practice rolequeerness. Since my personal genesis spawns from the BDSM community, and my most intimate traumas are rooted in sexual violation, it just so happened that I rolequeered the fuck out of my sexually submissive behaviors and identity, and I say ...I'm rolequeer“ because I've always been doing that. But if I were a dancer, well, I might've been writing a blog more like Kat's.

So, here's the point: both Kat and I are talking about the same thing.

Rolequeerness isn't about BDSM. And it's not a word for BDSM'ers. This isn't about sex. It's about power. It's just that power, in rape culture, is very much about sex.

And, well, given that, interrogating one's own ...knee-jerk“ desire to 'dominant'“ seems really fucking important. Which, of course, is also why most sex-positive, liberal feminist, BDSM'ers will fight tooth and nail to avoid doing that. 'Cause, rapists.

Dominants play to win. Submissives play to lose. Rolequeers play to quit the game.
[ Posted Mon, 23 Dec 2013 13:36:24 ]

The term ...rolequeer“ was coined by Relsqui in 2011, first popularized by maymay via Twitter, and has up to this point primarily been theorized by R. Foxtale, in conjunction with maymay and others. It was first explored publicly by Kristen Stubbs at a Transcending Boundaries 2012 workshop entitled ...Queering Role in BDSM Play.“ Key discussions of the concept can be found at and

...Rolequeer“ was initially conceived of as an identity within the context of the BDSM subculture, but it ultimately extends beyond that scene's narrow bounds and describes the experience of many people who have little or no association with BDSM. At its most fundamental level rolequeerness is about ...queering“ — or disrupting binary notions of — human relationships to power.

There is a widely held belief in both BDSM and mainstream culture that the erotic is dependent on a power differential, on the tension between and ultimate overpowering of a ...passive“ participant by an“ participant. Radical feminism rejects this notion of the erotic as fundamentally rooted in oppressive hierarchy. And rolequeerness begins by drawing on that rejection, but it goes further, theorizing possibilities for complex, agentic, and ultimately liberating erotic interface with various positional orientations towards power. (As opposed to the suggestion by contemporary radfems that we should simply somehow eliminate power dynamics from our play.)

In conjunction with troubling the ...Dominant/Submissive“ — or Powerful/Vulnerable — binary, rolequeerness also complicates binary opposition between“ vs. ...violence“ and the binary opposition between ...abusive“ vs. ...consensual“, arguing that these can never be cleanly differentiated categories within a holistically coercive and violent oppression culture. It points out that, if we are truly concerned about respecting each others' agency, we must insist on a higher bar for ...obtaining consent“ from our fellow humans than simply being granted permission to treat each other in violent and abusive ways.

As with other types of queerness, ...rolequeer“ does not simply refer to how we play in the bedroom or at the club; it describes our relationship to the world around us, to the roles that we have been handed via our positionalities within oppression culture.

Ultimately, rolequeerness centers acts of self-liberation and co-liberation by encouraging (and eroticizing) a traitorous relationship to our own power and a compassionate celebration of each others' vulnerabilities. Rolequeerness provides a methodological framework for ...downward mobility“ inside the power gradient of oppression culture. As such, rolequeers refuse to accept cultural capital as a consolation prize for victimization. We maintain that, in a culture in which power corrupts, choosing vulnerability is a move toward freedom.

Rolequeers are submissive as fuck and cocky as hell about it. Break the cycle. Quit the game.

- Bandana Blog - Rolequeer: Defining Our Terms

(via unquietpirate)





Response to a post by hardhearted-hannah: fdoms wearing outfits that aren't super sexualized!

Nothing wrong with dressing sexy, of course. Sexy is great! Obviously. But this is neat too.

These came off a folder on my computer and I am lazy, so I don't have attribution. I know I found a bunch of them on malesubmissionart.

EDIT: Figured out how the hell to make it not a giant column of pictures. That was difficult. Also, these organize really nicely into pairs!

Well of course I'm going to reblog this! Sexy is a feeling, not a clothing type.

And here I thought I was the only one.

Well. For the record, I have a ton of images like this on WNO because the ridiculous fdom costumery issue is totally a Thing with me (head-to-toe-latex and such is almost always an automatic nope just on principle). Alas, there are so many, they're not tagged! Maybe I should…?


Reblogging because:

;) Run.

[ Posted Tue, 17 Dec 2013 00:28:22 ]


What rolequeer people are doing is, in fact, more dangerous — and simultaneously more interesting and more politically meaningful — than what BDSMers are doing. Maymay, myself, and other rolequeers are in the process, through both our theorizing and our erotic play, of dismantling the binaries on which BDSM is based. This includes the binary opposition between ...Dominance“ and ...Submission“ and the binary opposition between ...Consensual“ and ...Abusive.“

And I know it seems incomprehensible to some that a person could both identify with something and have a critique of that thing! But the fact is that being kinky in a way that incorporates an ongoing interrogation of the ethics of one's own kinks is what rolequeerness is all about.

So, much as queer identity and queer sexual practice are personally and politically riskier, at this point in history, than being lesbian or gay, the same goes for rolequeerness in comparison to BDSM. That doesn't mean that contemporary lesbogay folks aren't in some ways still resisting a dominant cultural narrative. It just means that the way they are doing it [is] somewhat tepid compared to what queers are up to. The same goes for people who are doing BDSM. What they're doing isn't ...normal“ in the strictest sense of the word, but it's not a particularly challenging or effective kind of deviance. In fact, it seems that most BDSMers aren't even trying to trouble that status quo. They want to be mainstreamed. You can see this in their constant protestations that they're ...just like everybody else“ — by which they generally mean “just like other assimilated sexual minorities.“

Look, fuckers, the desire to assimilate BDSM into the dominant culture is not only the selling out and watering down of a powerfully disruptive political tool, it's particularly morally reprehensible because what you're encouraging mainstream society to normalize is the eroticization of torture. What's wrong with you?

[ Posted Mon, 09 Dec 2013 21:57:00 ]

Excerpted from "Political S/M is and always has been queer territory; BDSM is a heterosexist colonization of rolequeerness" although the full thing is very worthwhile reading.

If you think you need to be a mind reader in order to not be a rapist, you're doing something wrong.
[ Posted Sun, 08 Dec 2013 16:00:02 ]




My response to a Redditor who posted asking how to encourage his kink-curious submissive partner to play with a safeword — which quickly devolved into advice about he could take advantage of the fact that she's ...very receptive to orders“ to force her to agree to a safeword.

Wow. This is the most fucked up solution to this ...problem“ I've ever heard.

"I don't want to accidentally force my partner to do stuff she doesn't want to do in a scene. I know! I'll take advantage of the fact that she's 'very receptive to orders' to force her to do something she doesn't want to do in real life, instead!"

Look, your partner doesn't want to play with a safeword. That means she doesn't have to play with a safeword. She's an autonomous adult. She gets to make decisions about how she wants to have sex. If the fact that she doesn't have a safeword means you don't feel comfortable doing certain activities with her, don't fucking do those activities with her.

It's not that complicated. You're an autonomous adult, too. You don't have to play in ways that feel unsafe to you. If she doesn't want a safeword, then you only have the kinds of sex with her that you feel comfortable having with someone who doesn't use a safeword. If that means you don't do BDSM at all, then you don't do BDSM at all. If it means you only do light spanking and sensation play, that's what you do. If it simply means you do lots of different stuff but you avoid rape scenarios, then avoid rape scenarios. (Which you should probably do anyway because, given the ways you've talked about your partner's consent in just this post, I suspect you're at a very high risk for ...accidentally“ raping her — whether she has a safeword or not.)

But your concern here obviously isn't that if she doesn't agree to have a safeword, you might hurt her. Your concern is that if she doesn't agree to have a safeword, she might hurt YOU. The fact that you're trying to scheme ways to ...force“ your partner to have a safeword already indicates that her consent is not your priority. Meanwhile, she's made it very clear that she has no desire or intention of saying ...No“ to you during play. You know very well that even if you do give her a safeword, she won't use it. You just want her to technically have it, so that if you do end up doing something that hurts her but she didn't safeword, your'e off the hook.

No. Being a top doesn't mean you get to suspend your sense of personal ethics, and just do anything and everything your sub will let you get away with until they safeword. If your partner is the kind of submissive, and it sounds like she is, who fetishizes never saying“ then a safeword doesn't actually make her safer. All it does is cover your ass.

Instead, why not try playing in ways you feel pretty confident won't psychologically damage your partner? If you don't know what those are yet, try having conversations with your partner, and asking her questions, and getting to know her well psychologically and emotionally before diving into risky psychoemotional edge play. Spend some time asking YOURSELF questions, also, about what YOUR limits are. Are there things you wouldn't feel comfortable doing to her even if she asked you to? You need to know what those are.

It's not your job to read anybody's mind. But it's not her job to keep you from raping her. Don't be a rapist. If you think you need to be a mind reader in order to not be a rapist, you're doing something wrong.

The whole thread just speaks to the BDSM scene's fucked up notion that technically having a safeword, or otherwise making verbal contracts around consent, magically makes people un-rapeable. And illustrates again that their concern isn't about not raping people, but about not getting in trouble when they do. 

What the fuck are you doing on the BDSM subreddit? That's probably one of the most pro-rape BDSM forums after FetLife itself. Whenever people ask me where the BDSM community would be without FetLife, I point at the BDSM subreddits and scream, ...WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DID YOU THINK WAS HAPPENING BEFORE FETLIFE?“

I mean, if you want to tussle with the BDSM rapists, which is like, practically all of them there, go for it. But I hope you're having fun, and if not, I hope you stop.

Lol. I wanted to fight with someone but I was feeling lazy, so somewhere like that seemed perfect. #FishInBarrel

I did have fun. And then I left and went and did something even more fun. For four hours. ;-)

"Predator Alert Tool" co-creators aim to "build sexual assault prevention tools into every social network on the Internet"
[ Posted Sun, 08 Dec 2013 15:50:50 ]


Hacktivists are writing software that takes aim at rape culture itself. Their work is inspired by the Predditors Tumblr, based on academic studies (like Lisak and Miller's ...Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists“, 2002), and is designed according to the premise, ...How can we make the largest cultural impact using the fewest lines of code?“ Together, they've already produced a slew of browser add-ons and even a Facebook app to help ...users make better informed choices about what measures they feel they need to take to remain safe while using the service.“ Predator Alert Tools exist for, Facebook (here's a demo on YouTube), and more.

The link at the top of this post contains screenshots of the tools in action. There's also an extensive (and very uncompromising) FAQ on GitHub:

All the code for all of these tools is public domain; no copyright or even Creative Commons license at all so anyone can do anything they want with the code. (So please copy, reblog, share, and build on it yourselves if you can.) At least one startup (a dating website) is already looking at ways to use the ideas to help their members:

What would happen if the world's major Internet companies like Facebook and Google actually took sexual assault and rape seriously? As ever more human interaction changes to be mediated with the Internet, social networking companies have an increasing responsibility to shape their products, and the Internet-connected populace's ...virtual town squares,“ in ways that empower us to build the future society we want, such as one free of sexual violence.

More information is also available in the programmer's blog post, ...No good excuse for not building sexual assault prevention tools into every social network on the Internet,” and background information is available at one of the co-creator's blog posts: ...Rape Culture, meet Internet Culture: PAT-OKC and other online anti-rape initiatives.“




You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense




Did you ever consent to something, but still came away feeling violated? Ever said ...yes“ to someone and then wished you could take it back? Well, you can.

Here's the thing: it is possible to consent to having some experience and then, sometime in the future, not consent to having had that experience.

Put another way, you have ...the right to retroactively withdraw consent“ from any encounters you had, at any point in the past, that no longer feel good or safe to you.

Currently, the way we talk about consent leaves no space for people to re-evaluate their own experiences. Nevertheless, people frequently do re-evaluate their experiences—including and perhaps even especially their sexual experiences—based on a variety of factors. Newly learned information, changing circumstances, or the way they themselves have changed are all things that can and do alter people's feelings about the past. Discourses about consent that don't make space for such after-the-fact evaluations are flawed.

There's a better way to think and talk about consent, one that honors peoples' entire experience of a situation—past, present, and future—not just the tiny time-slices of that experience during which they were asked, ...Is this cool with you?“ Instead of understanding consent as someone permission to do a thing,“ we can and should talk about it as ...being okay with a thing happening.“

In this essay, we begin an exploration into how current mainstream and even progressive feminist discourses about (specifically) sexual consent fail to address the lived experience of navigating consent within rape culture. We point out that a legalistic framing of consent as expressed rather than experienced ultimately centers the needs of would-be rapists over the needs of rape survivors. We also consider how our relationship to consent changes when we acknowledge that whether a person actually feels violated is more important than whether they expected to feel violated.

Read more at or at (Same article. Different moderators; choose your own adventure.)


How does our relationship to consent change if we think of ...consent“ as a real experience people have of feeling that what happened to them was okay, and ...violation“ as more nuanced than simply committing an un-permitted action?

If our concern is with not violating a person, rather than not violating a rule, then ...a violation“ is defined by what happens when a person processes and continually re-processes their feelings about an experience.

Consent does not equal permission; it is a felt sense.


Typically, we define ...consent“ as the act of communicating to someone that it is okay for them to interact with us in a particular way. In other words, people generally believe consent is synonymous with permission.

The problem with this model is that it is fundamentally legalistic. It's all about whether or not permission to perform an act was obtained; it asks nothing about peoples' experiences after they say ...yes.“

This framing of consent (and violation) is wrong. It is tragically wrong.

Moreover, the current Consent-as-Permission model doesn't even work….


Treating consent as a felt sense respects the agency of the person consenting; it enables them to consent to anything, and only things, that they feel okay about. This includes, ironically, situations that they feel okay not feeling okay about, yet without absolving non-consensual situations of their violative aspect.

This ability for layering, or meta-consent, means that it is possible to agentically consent to having your consent violated.

Read More: You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense by unquietpirate and maymay. 

Also published at Same article. Different moderators. Choose your own adventure.

I feel like this is a rather dangerous idea. I mean, it's okay to change your mind and regret things (one night stands, bad sex, unintentional injuries), but if you're looking to accuse someone of rape or sexual assault when you freely gave them permission at the time the act occurred, that's ludicrous. How were they supposed to know?

Well, now all we need to do is put this to the tune of a Robin Thicke song and we're set.

Consent is defined in legalistic terms because rape is a crime. For rape as a crime to be able to be investigated, and its perpetrators prosecuted, there must be a legal basis for determining what consent is, how it is legally granted, and how consent may be violated. We do not, and cannot, investigate and prosecute crimes on the basis of feelings, since they cannot be proven or substantiated in a court of law existing solely in each person's mind, only harm in fact as demonstrable by evidence.

Consent is an oral contract between parties to engage in sexual activity. It is when this contract is breached, or sexual activity engaged without establishing this contract, does it become a crime. Want further support for this? well, let's consider the extenuating circumstances and exceptions that nullify contracts under the law:

  • Exercising the right of rescission doesn't really apply here, since sex acts tend to be performed immediately upon consent, and consent is understood as given on an ad hoc basis. Likewise, parties can withdraw from promised sex acts in the future as-is without recrimination.
  • Legal minors cannot legally consent to sex, as they cannot enter contracts. This is already construed as statutory rape.
  • Duress, incapacitation and fraud are already (rightfully) construed as rape as they are void contracts, as is violation of the terms of consent (that is to say, someone performs an activity beyond reasonable expectation of a sexual encounter to which you have not consented).

Contracts cannot be based upon intangibles. Nor can a completed contract be retroactively nullified (sparing circumstances that would render it null or constitute a breach of terms, which we've already discussed). That's the way it is, especially if you like rape being considered a crime to be investigated and prosecuted.

Then you run into the implications of such a theory. Can a person retroactively consent to their own de jure rape? Does that legally and socially vindicate the rapist? What about men, whose primary method of victimization (being forced to penetrate another) isn't even legally defined as rape — can they accuse women with whom they've had regretful sexual encounters of rape? What about that?

Because frankly, all this sounds like to me is a load of radfem claptrap justifying their ability to call any man a rapist at any time.

Okay, I'm angry about something totally unrelated to this tonight, but I'm hoping that shooting fish in a barrel will make me feel better. So, Pikachu, I choose you.

Congratulations. You're an idiot. 

Obviously, we are not suggesting that consent-as-felt should replace permission as the standard of evidence for proving rape within the legal system. We are suggesting that the legal system itself should be replaced with something that is better suited to addressing the problem of rape. 

Do I know yet what that better system is? No. Are we ever going to figure it out if, instead, we waste time sitting around defending, trying to patch up, and half-assedly imitating the obviously dysfunctional system we currently have? Of course not, and also fuck you. 

Here are some reasons why addressing rape first and foremost by treating it as a crime is an idiot idea:

1. The legal system almost universally fails to provide support to survivors of sexual violence — and on the rare occasion that it does, it's provided at great cost to the survivor. I shouldn't even need to put links here because it is so well understood that if you are raped, the cops will not help you. But I will, because apparently you* live under a rock

2. Even when rape laws are enforced, those laws do not exist to protect rape victims or even to prevent rape. Laws against rape don't stop rape from happening. What they do is provide the state with the power to punish people who are convicted of rape. This is convenient when someone can be accused of rape who the state has an interest in imprisoning. The needs of rape survivors, and of potential victims of rape, are more-or-less entirely left out of this picture. 

3. ...One in 20 prisoners reports being raped or sexually abused behind bars.“ And that's just the ones who report. Even for those who are not raped, obviously putting someone in prison is a life-altering violation of their consent. When you suggest that the appropriate response to rape is to call the police on rapists, you're saying that the most effective way to deal with someone violating consent is to violate their consent back! That's…so broken, I don't even. A rape for a rape leaves the whole world a traumatized quivering wreck that can't get up. 

4. Finally, the punitive ...justice“ system itself is a massive institutionalized consent violation. The thing about rape culture is that it's not limited to sexual violence; it's an aspect of a greater overall culture of coercive violence and institutionalized abuse. Anyone who claims not to be complicit in rape culture is selling something, because if you live in a developed nation and pay taxes, you are funding the military, the police, the prison system, and compulsory education. ALL of those institutions rely on constantly and egregiously violating consent in order to even exist. And yet your first response to, ...How do we respond to consent violations in our communities“ is to keep feeding that monster — the source of the whole problem we're trying to address in the first place. What?

In conclusion, I'm not saying simply that it's inappropriate to tell survivors of sexual violence that they should only seek help from the legal authorities (and that they should cling to a definition of consent that allows them to do so efficiently.) I'm saying that if you are not currently working toward the wholesale destruction of the prison system, and you have any excuse for not doing so beyond simply acknowledging it as a personal failing, then you, sir, are *ding ding ding!* a rape apologist.

Have a nice day.

* Jesus, even Focus on the Family has a better grasp on how to address rape than this guy.

Reblogging for the fucking excellent critique of“ and ...kink-positive“ blogger errantgeek's complete and utter self-satisfied shittiness. :D

You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense
[ Posted Thu, 07 Nov 2013 21:41:27 ]


Did you ever consent to something, but still came away feeling violated? Ever said ...yes“ to someone and then wished you could take it back? Well, you can.

Here's the thing: it is possible to consent to having some experience and then, sometime in the future, not consent to having had that experience.

Put another way, you have ...the right to retroactively withdraw consent“ from any encounters you had, at any point in the past, that no longer feel good or safe to you.

Currently, the way we talk about consent leaves no space for people to re-evaluate their own experiences. Nevertheless, people frequently do re-evaluate their experiences—including and perhaps even especially their sexual experiences—based on a variety of factors. Newly learned information, changing circumstances, or the way they themselves have changed are all things that can and do alter people's feelings about the past. Discourses about consent that don't make space for such after-the-fact evaluations are flawed.

There's a better way to think and talk about consent, one that honors peoples' entire experience of a situation—past, present, and future—not just the tiny time-slices of that experience during which they were asked, ...Is this cool with you?“ Instead of understanding consent as someone permission to do a thing,“ we can and should talk about it as ...being okay with a thing happening.“

In this essay, we begin an exploration into how current mainstream and even progressive feminist discourses about (specifically) sexual consent fail to address the lived experience of navigating consent within rape culture. We point out that a legalistic framing of consent as expressed rather than experienced ultimately centers the needs of would-be rapists over the needs of rape survivors. We also consider how our relationship to consent changes when we acknowledge that whether a person actually feels violated is more important than whether they expected to feel violated.

Read more at or at (Same article. Different moderators; choose your own adventure.)


How does our relationship to consent change if we think of ...consent“ as a real experience people have of feeling that what happened to them was okay, and ...violation“ as more nuanced than simply committing an un-permitted action?

If our concern is with not violating a person, rather than not violating a rule, then ...a violation“ is defined by what happens when a person processes and continually re-processes their feelings about an experience.

Consent does not equal permission; it is a felt sense.


Typically, we define ...consent“ as the act of communicating to someone that it is okay for them to interact with us in a particular way. In other words, people generally believe consent is synonymous with permission.

The problem with this model is that it is fundamentally legalistic. It's all about whether or not permission to perform an act was obtained; it asks nothing about peoples' experiences after they say ...yes.“

This framing of consent (and violation) is wrong. It is tragically wrong.

Moreover, the current Consent-as-Permission model doesn't even work….


Treating consent as a felt sense respects the agency of the person consenting; it enables them to consent to anything, and only things, that they feel okay about. This includes, ironically, situations that they feel okay not feeling okay about, yet without absolving non-consensual situations of their violative aspect.

This ability for layering, or meta-consent, means that it is possible to agentically consent to having your consent violated.

Read More: You Can Take It Back: Consent as a Felt Sense by unquietpirate and maymay. 

Also published at Same article. Different moderators. Choose your own adventure.

"Dominants are rapists" is making people ask, "So, what's healthy D/s like?"
[ Posted Sat, 02 Nov 2013 21:05:53 ]


Over the past week, I wrote a series of posts starting with ...Dominants are rapists" that really struck a nerve with a lot of people. Some people just dug their heels in the ground, stuck their fingers in their ears, their head in the sand, and started shouting ridiculous insults at me for writing it. Other people genuinely seemed interested in trying to understand, so I took the time to break it all down, step by excruciating step.

And still others had questions to which I only had politically analytical answers, rather than compassionate emotional responses. If you're familiar with my personal history, the fact that I lack emotional eloquence responding to other people's concerns shouldn't come as a surprise to you; after all, I was in large part raised as a social being by the abusive BDSM Scene. That people entrenched in that subculture now openly hate me for being a ...traitor to the lifestyle“ or whatever is a point of pride for me—fuck those shitwads, and I hope they kill themselves.

But, thankfully, unquietpirate has compassion for things I do not have, and she has it in spades. If my ...Dominants are rapists“ series made you anxious or uncomfortable or even just self-conscious in ways you've yet to fully understand, consider reading the following pair of posts she wrote. Excerpts from each are below.

From ...I want Submissives to take better care of themselves“:

If BDSM is the fetishization of oppression culture, and Dominance is the fetishization of being an oppressor, then submission is the fetishization of internalized oppression.


So, when we ask what healthy submission looks like, what we're asking is what it means to cope with internalized oppression in a healthy way. There's no easy answer for this. Classic tactics include working to understand your own internalized oppression, prioritizing self-care, building community and solidarity with other oppressed people like yourself, reframing your identity as a source of pride rather than shame, taking action against injustice, opting out of relationships with oppressive people and institutions, resisting oppression whenever you can and, perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself when you can't.

I have some ideas about how these tactics might look within the context of play. For example, understanding your own internalized oppression involves a very similar process to the one I encourage Dominants to undertake of investigating both the roots of your kinks, both their individual psychological sources AND how those kinks fit into a larger social and historical picture. Prioritizing self-care might look like putting your own needs and desires first to what feels like an extreme degree when setting limits with a Dominant partner. You could reframe some of your erotic experiences not in terms of being forced to do things by a Dominant but, rather, as a Dominant helping you get something you want. You might develop solidarity with other Submissives by building cooperative relationships between multiple Submissives into your scenes. And separatism could look like choosing not to play with people who identify as Dominant, or even choosing to play only with other people who identify as Submissive. There's more I could say about this that I'll save for a later post, but I'm interested in your ideas, too. How could you map your everyday skills for coping with living in oppression culture onto your erotic experiences playing dress-up as Oppressed and Oppressor?

From ...I want Dominants to spend more time with the parts of themselves they're scared of“:

I imagine most people are on board with wanting to have authentically consenting erotic interactions. So, why is there so much resistance to the idea that Dominants might want to spend some time meditating on what their desire to play dress-up as rapists has to do with rape culture? And why is there so much resistance among Submissives to the idea that this might be a valuable practice for their Dominant partners to get into?

One possible answer: Fear of loss. What the questioner above seems to be asking is, ...What if my partner and I do the work to better understand our kinks, including taking an honest look at the parts we're not very proud of, and we wind up not being into each other anymore?“

It's not so much a fear of being told not to have a certain kind of sex; it turns out nobody else gets to decide what kind of sex you have, not even people who are really opinionated about it. It's the fear of a future in which you no longer WANT to have certain kinds of sex, or sex with certain kinds of people, that you find super hot right now.

That's a legitimate fear. There's always the possibility that if you look at yourself too closely, you'll discover you want to change. You might investigate your kinks and discover that some of them are based in personal trauma or in a political belief that doesn't gel with your sense of ethics. If you do, you might choose to work on healing some trauma, and potentially lose that erotic trigger in the process. Or you might decide you want to bring your sex and your ethics into alignment, which could result in choosing different partners or kinds of play than you currently do.

From the beginning, our bottom line has been pretty anti-climactic:

All I'm saying is: what BDSM'ers call ...D/s dynamics“ is just one manifestation of how people relate to each other.


BDSM is ...just“ a sandbox in which we can play with oppression. If that's not what you're doing, you're just giving ...BDSM“ to people who want to use it—and are using it—as a way to justify rape.

And people who are okay doing that will rot in hell.

I find it rather telling that these simple ideas inspired such vocal opposition.

See also: this is one of the ways the BDSM Scene trains new Dominants not to take Submissives' consent seriously.





My two favorite tigers. ^_^


"Wait, should I tag this? I mean, I assume people know what you look like, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe people actually think you're just an angry all-caps Internet monster who doesn't like hugs."

"But I wrote 'hugs are great' on my blog!!!“

[ Posted Sat, 02 Nov 2013 21:05:40 ]

Consent Is Not Enough
[ Posted Sat, 26 Oct 2013 16:02:00 ]

Apparently, my last post, “Dominants are rapists,” struck a nerve with a lot of people. I’m seeing every reaction under the sun: abject rejection, terrified self-loathing, utter confusion, etc. And I think the post struck a nerve because everyone is terrified they are a rapist (especially Dominants).

And look, here’s the thing: you should be terrified. Because you probably are. It is important and necessary for each of us to confront our shadow selves, the darkest parts of who we are.

But even if we look at the most evil parts of ourselves and discover that every horrific and vile thing we feared about who we are is, in fact, completely and undeniably true, that does not make us unworthy of love.

The magical power sadomasochistic relationships can offer us is the ability to confront the reality that we are complicit in perpetuating unforgivable, unforgettable traumas on most people in our lives without becoming incapable of working to end that complicity. The BDSM Scene could be a place where its members participate in such self-training. But it’s not.

In BDSM culture, Dominants are taught to make submissives dependent on their dominance, rather than facilitating experiences their submissive partners want to have. This parallels the overculture, where therapists are taught that their job is to help people better integrate themselves in an abusive society by sublimating their own will rather than supporting their clients to do whatever the fuck they need to do to reject participation in said abusive society.

If you have a position of power over someone, such as a teacher, a parent, or a Dominant, the only ethical thing to do is to facilitate others’s growth so as to make yourself obsolete.

When I write “dominants should be extinct,” I also write, “teachers should be extinct,” “parents should be extinct,” and “employers should be extinct” not because we shouldn’t have places where people learn things (“schools”), or people who protect younger people during their period of growth (“parents”), or ways for people to provide for their own sustenance in harmony with the Earth (“jobs”), but because each of these things has been corrupted to maintain itself to the detriment of its charge.

Teachers in schools are youth jailers, parents in mainstream culture are taskmasters, and employers in capitalism are wage slavers.

In this way, Dominants in BDSM are rapists. They don’t have to be. But until they are willing and able to confront their shadow selves—the possibility that, in fact, they are rapists—they will never have the ability to be anything else.



So, here's the thing. There is a difference between wanting to play with someone sexually in a way that facilitates their submission and wanting to ...dominate“ someone.

If you enjoy playing with submissive people because you think submission is sexy, and you're thrilled by the idea that someone might want to be submissive in a sexy way with you, and you want to do stuff that will make that easier and safer and more fun for them, that's one thing. What that looks like is helping your submissive partner have experiences that they want to have — and because human psychology is fascinating, sometimes you do that by creating experiences that, on some level, they don't want to have.

That's different from the desire to do things to people whether they want you to or not. That is, definitionally, the desire to coerce — or, when you add sex to the mix, the desire to rape. Such desires are not inherently illegitimate, because no desire is inherently illegitimate. What is illegitimate is acting on those desires by preying on people with whom it will be easiest to get away with it.

Submissives make the perfect partners for Dominants, because our often complex relationship to consent and desire makes us easy targets for Dominants to take advantage of. If what turns you on is disregarding other peoples' humanity, it's so much easier (psychoemotionally, logistically, and legally) to do that with someone who gave you permission than with someone who didn't. But Dominants make bad partners for Submissives for the very same reasons.

It's one thing to fetishistically desire to harm vulnerable people. It's another thing to manifest that desire by actually pursuing erotic intimacy with vulnerable people who you can harm. And it is, in fact, even worse — not better — to achieve that intimacy by convincing said vulnerable people that they started it, that they invited you to hurt them, that they wanted it, that they said it was okay.

There are lots of people who enjoy sex that involves the sharing and exchange of submissive desire. Mainstream narratives about romantic lovemaking are packed with it. But the subset of submission-lovers who describe themselves as ...Dominants“ don't seem interested in playing with someone because they're excited about that individual's personal expression of submission. Rather, they're turned on by the idea of a ...consenting“ submissive partner, because that is the situation in which they are most likely to be able to get away with doing whatever they want.

See also: Dominants are Rapists

Pretty much.

And since I know this is going to get the inevitable ...STAHP KINK-SHAMING!!!!11“ responses from people who don't bother to check their sources, I just want to add that a source for a lot of this, notably the ...dominants are rapists“ post, is me.

And, um, I'm pretty fucking kinky. Sooo…yeah.

Dominants are rapists.
[ Posted Fri, 25 Oct 2013 17:27:05 ]


KinkInExile has a short and to the point post up replying to a post by Ferns that bemoans what she sees as changing attitudes towards dominance and submission among younger BDSM practitioners. Ferns wrote:

[M]ostly, what young people are doing is Really Good Stuff. They are, for the most part, smart and thoughtful and considerate and concerned and all of that: They are super aware of consent, worried about abuse, all about negotiation and understanding the boundaries, all of that. And that's wonderful.

But what I often read in that goes towards the level of ...Well, if the submissive doesn't want to do it, then a good dominant will understand and not make them.“

And what I have seen is that the 'it' in that statement extends to *everything*.

If the submissive doesn't feel like going to that party, doesn't feel like doing that chore, doesn't feel like playing that way, doesn't feel like getting up off the couch, doesn't feel like doing what they're told… well then, that's perfectly fine.

I feel a bit like some old dinosaur going ...That's great kids, but *how is that submission?!*....

This attitude (...submission is doing what you don't want to do“) is at the core of why the BDSM culture is a rape school that teaches people to gaslight themselves when it comes to what consent feels like. BDSM'ers talk a lot about consent but they have no fucking idea what it is. What Ferns betrays in her post here is how much lip service—and only lip service—she pays to consent.

KinkInExile's response fumbled around a little trying to get to the root of this issue:

Logically, I could reason my way into ...sure, yes, they want to submit, maybe they should do things you ask for even when they don't want to.“ Hell, I have to assume that sometimes, when a boy who is comfortably sleeping wakes up to my bouncing and makes me coffee, or when my now ex partner waited some 50 odd days for an orgasm in part due to my insistence, at some points that is what someone acting against their wishes looks like.

My gut response though, is a resounding WTF? You are playing with an adult presumably in a country with laws similar to our 13th Amendment. Your play happens in the real world. Anything short of respecting your partner's boundaries is coercion at best. If you have an issue around trust that's resulting from your partner breaking commitments, you have an issue around trust. That's totally valid, I've had that issue, it sucks. But it's not a BDSM issue.

Her point is spot-fucking-on, if a bit obscured by the verbosity of diplomatic politeness in her post. In the comments, Tomio Hall-Black (a brainwashed BDSM'er male submissive) needed to ...logically, reason [his] way“ into arguing against the very simple idea that you don't pull the ...but I'm the Mistress card“ when you're not playing. And that's when I figured I'd offer the same point KinkInExile made without the politeness, so I commented:

[T]he fact that people like Ferns, Tomio, et. al. don't seem to grok or actualize [that anything short of respecting your partner's boundaries is coercion at best] is what makes them, at their core, no different than rapists.

Just because they wrap their coercion up in a pretty rhetorical framework doesn't make it magically different.

In the rest of the world, people who don't agree with what KinkInExile is saying are called rapists. If you call yourself a dominant and you disagree with what KinkInExile is saying, what you are is a rapist who calls yourself a dominant. This doesn't change depending on how many times you stopped when someone safeworded.

The short exchange between Tomio ...I'm-All-About-Consent“ Hall-Black and I is illustrative to say the least. Tomio replied:

You cheapen the word rape by comparing it to ANY consensual activity, even a consensual activity that I might not enjoy as much as my partner.

You once got pissy with me because I said we were friendly, claiming I didn't know you well enough to say that. Well, it's time to wear the shoe you are putting on everyone else's foot. You don't know me well enough to say things like this.

I don't ...grok“ anything because that's an entirely made up word without any real meaning. I UNDERSTAND what rape is, and what it isn't. Rape is NOT doing something for which someone has already obtained consent for.

I challenge you to find one single instance where I said it is okay to continue after someone used a safeword. The examples I used are maintenance“ and ...washing dishes“ and ...doing laundry.“

If you can't find me claiming that safewords should be ignored; then I would imagine that an adult would apologize for making such a horrendous and offensive accusation. I hold little hope of that from you.

In response, I said:

No, Tomio. You cheapen the word rape by treating consent like a contract. Everything you wrote in your comments makes this blatantly clear. Great example: ...already obtained consent for.“ You don't understand rape because you obviously don't understand consent.

I wrote ...this doesn't change depending on how many times you stopped when someone safeworded.“ I didn't write what you seem to be replying to, which is ...this doesn't change even if you only didn't stop once.“ Are you just angry at me or is your reading comprehension really that piss-poor?

You, and the people like you who believe the way you do, are fundamentally treating consent like contracts people enter into instead of core aspects of how to engage with autonomous human beings, and my point is that this is the same fundamental way rapists behave. Truth hurts, my ...friend.“

If that strikes a nerve with you, which it seems to have done, maybe that's because I'm on to something you're unwilling to admit. And, by the way, this is one reason we are not friends.

Get it through your fucking skull. 'Til then, don't dare assume friendship with me. You are a mental cancer to submissives everywhere.

And, as is usually the case when people are confronted with the hard radical conclusion to a very simple point, their true colors emerge. Tomio's colors look like this.

Treating consent like a contract is how many people think and behave, but that doesn't make it unflawed:

There's a way of talking about consent that's currently dominating the conversation about rape culture and I think it's…flawed, to say the least. Let's call it the ...consent-as-permission“ model.

The consent-as-permission model defines ...consent“ as the act of communicating to someone that it is okay for them to interact with you in a particular way. I ...consented“ to sex if you asked me, ...Do you want to have sex?“ and I said ...yes.“ (Or, under the Enthusiastic Consent variant, if I said, ...YES!“) It's essentially a legalistic model that asks questions like, ...What counts as a 'yes'?“ ...Under what circumstances is a 'yes' inadmissible?“ ...In the case of a dispute, what kinds of documentation are required to prove the presence or absence of a 'yes'?“ The consent-as-permission model makes consent very much about what we say or don't say to each other. It treats rape primarily as the violation of a contract. It has very little to say about how our erotic experiences feel.

But think about this: I've had my boundaries violated in the past. You probably have, too. If that experience was traumatic, where did the trauma come from? Did it come from the fact that someone broke a rule? (Maybe. A trust violation can be traumatizing even if no other harm occurred.) Or did it come from the fact that someone interacted with me in a way that made me feel unsafe, hurt, and violated? Have you ever said, ...Yes“ and still come away feeling unsafe, hurt, and violated? I have.

In BDSM culture, you are not allowed to say ...yes,“ have everything go according to plan, and still come away feeling unsafe, hurt, and violated. That's verboten ostensibly because BDSM is de-facto consensual (i.e., it cannot be abuse, because in their world, if it is abuse, it is not BDSM, which is obviously bullshit in exactly the same way that some BDSM'ers themselves critique the second-wave feminist notion that rape cannot be sex). So when something like this happens (and it does happen), the experience of violation is minimized if it's even acknowledged at all.

For submissive people like me, this is often extremely confusing because everything around us tells us it wasn't really a violation, it was just a miscommunication, or some such gaslighting.

When Ferns asks is that submission?“ what she is actually asking is ...why aren't submissives okay with having their consent violated anymore?“ And when Tomio insists that ...rape is NOT doing something for which someone has already obtained consent for,“ what he is doing is covering for dominants who believe permission is synonymous with consent (it's not), and gaslighting fellow submissives to make sure they never talk about their experiences of violations in ways that could damage a dominant's reputation. That's called rape culture, and that's how the BDSM Scene rape school teaches dominants and submissives to support it.

So what I think I'm trying to say is that, like old dinosaurs, dominants should be extinct.

See also: Wait! Don't rape me! I'm a DOM!



Original photo's text: ...A Dominant needs to be needed. A Submissive needs to feel wanted. Without each other, they are nothing. Together they are complete.“

Look, I fixed it.

New version reads: ...A Dominant needs to be needed. A Submissive needs to feel wanted. Submissives need dominants like lesbians need men. Think about it.“

Fucking heteronormative shitwads make binaries for EVERYTHING.

See also:

Dominants are rapists.

See also:

[ Posted Fri, 25 Oct 2013 00:14:00 ]



Yesterday, there were four dating websites that had Predator Alert Tools. Today, there are five:

As before, these tools are inspired by the academic works of David Lisak and Paul Miller, ...Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,“ 2002, and the academic works of Stephanie K. McWhorter, ...Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel,“ 2009. See ...Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?" for details.

I've also just published a brief tutorial explaining how you can make a Predator Alert Tool for any (and every) Facebook app. Because, again, there is no good excuse for not building sexual violence prevention tools into every social network on the Internet.

Also, yes, Facebook is a website.“ Not only are there speculations that Mark Zuckerberg initially created Facebook so he would have an easier time picking up girls, everything Facebook does facilitates online dating: finding, meeting, and interacting with new people, comparing common interests or ...Likes,“ and posting pretty photos of yourself.

Please remember:

This project is 100% volunteer-run. There are no paid developers. There is no staff.

There is also no budget.

It takes time, heart, and material resources to ensure that this software continues to function, much less is improved on over time. If you can afford to do so, please consider making a donation in the form of food or money to its houseless, nomadic developer at Thank you very much.

[ Posted Tue, 15 Oct 2013 23:38:29 ]






Now you can mark any OkCupid Match Question as a flag“ in the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid.

Whenever you see a Match Question that irks you, click the ...Add to my red-flags“ button. From there, choose which answer(s) concerns you, and click ...Save.“ Once saved, the ...Add to my red-flags“ button becomes an ...Edit this red-flag“ button, and clicking it reveals the ...Edit your custom red-flag warning question“ popup box.

The Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid also turns every Match Question title into a permalink, so you can click the question itself to go to the question's own page. Share the question page's URL with your friends to alert them of the existence of Match Questions you think they should add to their PAT-OKC custom flag sets.

For instance, the question in the screenshot example above (...Do you have a problem with racist jokes?“) is number 65, so its permalink is, which you can get to by clicking the question itself. I've flagged people who answer ...No“ to that question, because fuck racists and their jokes.

The Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid is one of a suite of Predator Alert Tools. The newest one is the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook. Every Predator Alert Tool is free software, released to the public domain, and created by survivors for survivors.

Download the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid here.

If you feel these tools are useful and important, read more about how to help here or make a donation at


the creep filter needs to be a global social media thing. and also for real life. Imagine, someone reveals themselves as a racist or a sexist, a red flag pops up on their head, and they just disappear from your plane of existence. Ahhhh.

That's the plan. ;)

See also:

[ Posted Fri, 11 Oct 2013 22:49:06 ]



Predator Alert Tool for Facebook - Quick Introduction

We've begun making screen-casts and how-to videos to help people use the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, now live at Here's our very first rough-cut.

The Predator Alert Tool for Facebook helps survivors of sexual violence connect with other survivors in their social networks and start conversations with friends about consent.

Up to 85% of rapes are committed by someone the survivor already knows. And nearly 70% of American adults use Facebook. This means it's likely that a survivor of sexual violence is Facebook friends, or friends-of-friends, with the person who attacked them.

The Predator Alert Tool is a free app you can add to your Facebook account.

Unlike websites that only allow survivors to share their stories publicly, the Predator Alert Tool's core feature is its visibility settings. You can *choose* to share your story publicly, but you can also share with friends only, *or* with other users who have shared information about the same person you did. Whether you want to post anonymously or reveal your identity is also up to you.

[FADE TO TEXT: How does it work?]

Imagine I have a bad experience with someone I thought I could trust—and that I know how to find that person on Facebook. Here's what I do.

First, I log into the app by going to

From my Dashboard, I click ...Share information“.

Here, I can write about what happened. I can include anything I want my friends to know, or that I think will help keep other people safe.

When I'm done, I link what I've written to the Facebook user who violated my consent. This person won't receive any notification from Facebook that I've mentioned them.

Next, I choose who can read what I've shared, and whether I want to post anonymously. Then, I click ...Share.“

PAT-Facebook saves my story and automatically searches for other stories that are about the same person as mine. Look, it found one. I can click to read it, and now I know I'm not alone.

[FADE TO TEXT: Predator Alert Tool ]

Made by survivors for survivors, the Predator Alert Tool makes it easier to share experiences that may be difficult to talk about openly, giving us an opportunity to tell our stories while choosing who gets to hear them. It helps us, our friends, and our allies connect, stay safe, and stay informed.

One way you can help is by creating your own videos, and sharing them with us and your friends. We've listed some more ways you can help on our ...How to help“ page. Thanks!

[ Posted Mon, 07 Oct 2013 20:52:27 ]

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Sexual Violence Prevention Advocates, We Need Your Help

We are just days away from launching the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, a powerful tool that helps survivors of sexual violence connect with other survivors and share information about their experience with friends. 

We want to get this tool into the hands of people who need it ASAP. 

We need your help to connect. We are currently coordinating an outreach effort to contact abuse counseling services, rape crisis centers, and other similar organizations. More information about how you can help is here:

Please reblog. Thanks!

See also:

[ Posted Sat, 28 Sep 2013 15:31:55 ]



As you may know, I've been working on the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, the next in my series of projects designed to graft anti-rape culture features into the architecture of major social networking and dating websites. This tool works in much the same way as the Preferred Gender Pronouns for Facebook app I recently wrote, in that there are two parts to it.

The first is a Facebook app where you can share about an experience you had of some consent-violating behavior by another Facebook user. It looks something like this:

Screenshot of the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook app dashboard.

The second is a browser userscript that works very much like the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid. With the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook userscript installed, your web browser automatically searches for any stories about the people who show up on your timeline and newsfeed. If it finds any, it“ links to their profile, as shown in the screenshot above. When you hover over the red-boxed links, a link that reads ...View…PAT-FB stories“ appears, along with Facebook's normal pop up, which takes you to the list of reports you can view about that person.

Both of these pieces work independently. You can use the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook app inside Facebook without ever installing the userscript in your browser, and you can use the browser userscript without ever allowing the Facebook app access to your Facebook account. (However, this means you'll only be able to view shared stories if they are public, not friends-only or other visibility-restricted stories.)

Both of these tools are still in closed alpha testing, which means they're only available to certain test users. Development is happening in public. In fact, every line of code for every Predator Alert Tool is released into the public domain forever. No one can claim any copyright over this software, ever. If you'd like to help test these tools before they're generally available to the public, please consider becoming a tester by following the instructions on this post.

Also, I need y'all to know that while I've been working on this app, my car broke down and left me stranded in Baltimore for a week with a steep repair bill. I've been hopping from one house to another in order to find shelter and Wi-Fi so I can continue to work on this. (Here's a picture of my current workspace.) If you can afford to do so, I could really, really, really use your support through donations of food or money now. Donate at Thanks.

See also: Predator Alert Tool for FetLife.

[ Posted Mon, 23 Sep 2013 18:33:59 ]



This is a screenshot of the first working prototype of the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, the next in my series of social justice technology projects aiming to graft anti-rape culture tools into the architecture of major Internet social networking and online dating websites.

I need alpha testers who are willing to help me refine the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook before it is generally available to the public. If this interests you, please leave a comment on this public Facebook post and let me know you're interested. There are instructions describing the process of reporting bugs and other issues in the thread itself.

There is already a Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid (PAT-OKC) and a Predator Alert Tool for FetLife (PAT-FetLife). If you use either of those sites, check those other tools out. I have been working on this culture hacking project for some time and am deeply committed to taking anti-rape activism beyond simple ...awareness raising,“ which I have long believed is necessary but insufficient for ensuring long-lasting, systemic change.

The Predator Alert Tool for Facebook is by far the most ambitious of the three. Where PAT-OKC functionally says, ...Hey, these strangers you were thinking of hookin' up with might be rapists,“ PAT-Facebook functionally says, ...Hey, these people who are your friends might be rapists.“

Sadly, this isn't a far-fetched proposition. The mythos of the rapist who jumps out of the shadows is just that: a myth. The reality is that most rape survivors know their rapists for months or even years before they survive the trauma.

Each of the Predator Alert Tools focuses on combating rape culture by attacking its most structurally-supported aspect: the isolation of rape survivors. By de-siloing information and allowing rape survivors to share their experiences, we actively create an environment that is hostile to predators and abusers.

Most systems that claim to do this are fundamentally flawed because they rely on instituting hierarchical ...vetting processes“ that puts the flow of information in the control of a select few, high-status individuals. These individuals are typically people with some kind of social, institutional, or financial power. Time and again, we see the people who are supposed to police behavior behave in the most corrupt manner.

The Predator Alert Tools attack this abuse by creating peer-to-peer networks among survivors themselves. No oversight. No censorship.

Watch this space for updates. With your help, I hope to have the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook available for public use shortly. (If you're a developer, the code for Predator Alert Tool for Facebook, which is released to the public domain, is available on GitHub.)

[ Posted Sun, 08 Sep 2013 01:45:27 ]

"BDSM" is Kinky Sex for Rape Apologists
[ Posted Sat, 25 May 2013 09:45:00 ]


Via Bandana Blog:

See also:

(Some emphasis added.)

Expecting tops and dominants to be objective about consent is like expecting Standard & Poor to be objective about their ratings when they are paid by the companies they rate.
[ Posted Tue, 21 May 2013 11:16:22 ]

Comment on ...It's reasonable in every way for people to treat all BDSM'er tops/dominants as schroëdinger's rapists. Onus is on you to prove you're not.

(read in context)


...Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?“, Part 1 of 2. (link to Part 2)


  1. College Men: Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,Lisak and Miller, 2002 [PDF, 12 pages]
  2. Navy Men: Lisak and Miller's results were essentially duplicated in an even larger study (2,925 men): Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel, McWhorter, 2009 [PDF, 16 pages]

By dark-side-of-the-room, who writes:

These infogifs are provided RIGHTS-FREE for noncommercial purposes. Repost them anywhere. In fact, repost them EVERYWHERE. No need to credit. Link to the L&M study if possible.

Knowledge is a seed; sow it.

[ Posted Sat, 11 May 2013 22:51:50 ]

photo-link-url photoset


...Repeat Rape: How do they get away with it?“, Part 2 of 2. (link to Part 1)


  1. College Men: Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists,Lisak and Miller, 2002 [PDF, 12 pages]
  2. Navy Men: Lisak and Miller's results were essentially duplicated in an even larger study (2,925 men): Reports of Rape Reperpetration by Newly Enlisted Male Navy Personnel, McWhorter, 2009 [PDF, 16 pages]

By dark-side-of-the-room, who writes:

These infogifs are provided RIGHTS-FREE for noncommercial purposes. Repost them anywhere. In fact, repost them EVERYWHERE. No need to credit. Link to the L&M study if possible.

Knowledge is a seed; sow it.

[ Posted Sat, 11 May 2013 22:51:07 ]

photo-link-url photoset

FetLife represents a particularly egregious example of a pervasive problem of Internet culture and structure[; it is] an environment where we don't recognize that we have a right to say no to sharing information, much like many women were socialized traditionally to not recognize that they could say no to sex.
[ Posted Wed, 08 May 2013 15:17:22 ]

Got Consent? Part III: FetLife Doesn't Get It by M. Lunas (via maymay)

This series of articles on consent and the lack thereof in BDSM communities is an incredibly important (but disturbing) read. Pair with the “Yes Means Yes” seven-part series “There’s a War On,” especially Part 6: Anti-Sunshine League, the prequel to M. Lunas’s trilogy. From M. Lunas’s post:

Here's your tl;dr: FetLife, I will argue, does not respect consent. It actively seeks to silence victims of abuse, and also does not give you the ability to consent to how your information is shared and used. On the privacy front, FetLife does not provide meaningful internal user controls to protect users–since the biggest danger isn't people outside the site, but within it. In this, FetLife represents a particularly egregious example of pervasive problem of Internet culture and structure, which is an environment where we don't recognize that we have a right to say no to sharing information, much like many women were socialized traditionally to not recognize that they could say no to sex. On top of that, it makes it difficult-to-impossible to get your data out of the site, which, I will argue, puts FetLife in possible violation of the European Union's Data Protection Directive. Furthermore, I will argue, perhaps provocatively, that there is a strong relation between FetLife's for-profit business model and all their actions. Nonetheless, I will outline what FetLife could and should do. Fortunately, there are now a number of nifty tools available to get around some of FetLife's problems. (Indeed, these tools are now expanding to other sites, like OKCupid: see the Predator Alert Tool for OK Cupid, which we may revisit in another blog post at some point.)


TL;DR: Since his company is ignoring questions from reporters about the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid, I asked the CTO of OkCupid out on Facebook. Reblog this to help me get a date! ;)

Weeks ago, in one of my flurry of meetings about the new Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid I'd written (a free browser script that flags“ OkCupid profiles based on their own concerning answers to Match Questions), a reporter told me that OkCupid is not responding to questions about it. In case you're wondering, the tool looks like this:

Screenshot of Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid showing a flagged user profile.

You can think of the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid as your own personalized ...Nice Guys of OkCupid,“ or an early warning system for rape culture. You can learn how to install and use PAT-OKC by following this visual guide.

There's been a lot of discussion about PAT-OKC across the Internet. Simple searches for ...okcupid predator alert“ and the like will find you bunches of it, but here's a sampling of some of the best-of-the-best that I know of:

Many people are rightly asking the simple question, ...if OkCupid has these kinds of questions, why the hell aren't they already set up to trigger red flags?“ I think that's a good question, too. And since I currently happen to be in the same city as OkCupid's CTO, Tom Quisel, I went to his Facebook profile and asked him out on a date on his wall. Screenshot above.

Tom and I have had drinks together before. And I think I remember promising not to kiss-and-tell, so…*zips lips*.

Think he'll go out with me again? ;)

Please reblog this to help make sure he knows I'm interested! :D

[ Posted Mon, 06 May 2013 21:08:35 ]

Not Just Bitchy: Tunnel Vision
[ Posted Mon, 06 May 2013 18:13:05 ]


I'm just gonna reblog this awesomeness. Source at the link:

First, the backstory. Maymay created a tool to help people who use OKCupid to keep themselves safer. For those who may not know, OKCupid is a dating site where you can answer all kinds of questions (and add new ones), which allows the site to compare your answers to other user's answers and give you a match score. What maymay's predator alert tool does is flags (here's an example) people who've answered certain questions in potentially concerning ways. Sadly, those questions don't even have to be subtle. It turns out that rapists will straight out tell you they're rapists if you just avoid using the word ...rape“. The predator alert tool is a super awesome idea and if you use OKCupid you should absolutely install it (there's a slightly different version for Fetlife, too).

You wouldn't think there'd be much to complain about there. It's your choice to answer a question like ...Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?“ with ...Yes“, so there's not a lot of room for whining about false accusations or having your answers taken out of context.

Sadly, some people have such terrible tunnel vision that they've been whining and crying about some of the questions the predator alert tool will warn you about, specifically this one ...Have you ever choked someone who you were in some kind of intimate relationship with (e.g., you wrapped your hands or some object around their throat)?.... Apparently it's a terrible injustice to flag consensual and non-consensual chokers the same way. Unquietpirate has already posted a response to that pointless fucking whining, but I think the whole conversation needs more rage.

First of all, as I understand it the tool doesn't block red-flagged users, all it does is display a list of the questions and answers you may want to be concerned about. Kinky people who want to be choked aren't going to skip red-flagged profiles entirely. They're going to have a look, see the explanation the user gave for answering yes to the choking question (if you didn't add an explanation about how you would never ever choke a person without their enthusiastic consent, stop fucking whining and fix that shit), and go ...sweet, nothing to worry about“. People who are freaked out by the idea of even perfectly consensual choking are going to be a bad match for you, so why would you even bother whining about those people skipping over your profile? This is a non-issue, you stupid fucks.

Second, by saying that not flagging a consensual kinkster as a potential predator matters more than getting as much information as possible into the hands of people who need it, you're really saying that your poor, delicate ego is more important than other people's physical safety. Their physical fucking safety! If you really believe that, you haven't been mis-flagged. You are dangerously self-absorbed, if not outright predatory, and people are absolutely right to fear and avoid you.

Finally, it is in no way unjust to flag kinky people as potential abusers. According to a survey the NCSF did, 30% of respondents had their consent violated in some way. 30 fucking percent! That's actually worse than the already dismal statistic of nearly 1 in 5 women experiencing rape at some point in their lives. When people stop getting abused in the kink scene, you can complain about how it's not fair to lump us in with vanilla abusers. Until then, shut the fuck up.

(Emphasis mine.)

Yeah, that. (...Yeah, that,“ is an atheist's ...Amen.“)

The BDSM Scene is a school that teaches people to gaslight themselves when it comes to what bottoms' consent feels like.
[ Posted Thu, 02 May 2013 10:10:11 ]


See also:

(via maymay)

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

A rough man wearing only a cloak stands with his arms above his head, where they’re tied with rope. His thighs are similarly tied, causing his knees to brace together and his erect penis to protrude even more prominently. 

This beautiful sketch by darkefey was sent to me a while ago but I’ve not had the emotional resources to withstand this blog’s inbox (which is often full of truly pathetic cock shots or else images so off-point I question the author’s ability to read Male Submission Art’s very simple mission statement) until now. Along with this sketch was a note:

seeing your blog got me inspired as an artist and i drew this for you. it’s still a bit sketchy but i intend to colour it at some point. as a dominant woman i understand where this site is coming from. i don’t wanna see over sexualised images of other women, there is far too much of that as it is… please do not post my name just call me darkefey as i am only 19 and still internet shy… either way use as you want, toss if you don’t want i don’t mind, as long as you don’t sell because then i would feel like a silly fish :) this is my own work and yeah 

so many good pics! thanks heaps

ps… i accept terms of submission… eheheheheh :D … T.T sorry bad joke over 9000… 

It’s very nice to hear that people are (still!) finding this simple website inspiring—even, not especially, people who are “only” nineteen. I began this blog in 2008, when I was twenty-four years old. Today, I am twenty-eight. But age is just a number, for as Henry David Thoreau once said when he was close to the age I am today:

Age is no better, hardly so well, qualified for an instructor as youth, for it has not profited so much as it has lost. One may almost doubt if the wisest man has learned anything of absolute value by living. Practically, the old have no very important advice to give the young[…]; it may be that they have some faith left which belies that experience, and they are only less young than they were. I have lived some thirty years on this planet, and I have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors. They have told me nothing, and probably cannot tell me anything to the purpose. Here is life, an experiment to a great extent untried by me; but it does not avail me that they have tried it. If I have any experience which I think valuable, I am sure to reflect that this my Mentors said nothing about.

I still receive praise for Male Submission Art on a sporadic basis. I don’t know what’s going to come of this space in the future, but I also know that while perhaps it’s served its purpose for me, it’s still serving a purpose for others.

And for me, that serves both as a good reminder of how big the world is, and also as continued motivation to keep paying it forward. Sharing darkefey’s sketch is, perhaps, another start. After all, everything is circles.


[ Posted Sun, 14 Apr 2013 11:46:00 ]

Tagged with: black and white, bondage, solo, submission

Why the [Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid's] "Choking Question" is a Litmus Test for Domism
[ Posted Sat, 13 Apr 2013 23:19:00 ]



The recently released Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid is an add-on for OkCupid that highlights Match Questions related to sexual consent and/or violence and flags users whose public answers to those questions might be cause for concern. Although the tool could be modified to use any number of flag“ criteria, the current iteration uses a default set of questions from David Lisak and Paul M. Miller's 2002 study ...Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists.“

One of those questions is: ...Have you ever choked someone who you were in some kind of intimate relationship with (e.g., you wrapped your hands or some object around their throat)?

Although PAT-OKC has gotten a HUGE positive response from OkCupid users, a small but vocal subset has expressed concern about the choking question and another similar Lisak and Miller question: ...Have you ever punched or kicked or repeatedly slapped with an open hand (e.g., two or more times in a single incident) someone who you were in some kind of intimate relationship with?“ Their critique is that these activities — choking, punching, and kicking a partner — can be done consensually and that it is therefore unfair of the PAT-OKC code to tar consensual chokers, punchers and kickers with the same brush as people who commit domestic violence.

The conclusion some of these concerned users seem to draw is that PAT-OKC's author, Maymay, ...appears not to be very friendly towards the BDSM community.“ Those making this critique seem to be missing some important context. (At least, some of them do. Others are very familiar with Maymay's position within BDSM culture and appear to be simply concern-trolling.) Of course, there is a long history of consensual BDSM being conflated with abuse by antagonistic outsidersMaymay, however, is themself a long-time practitioner of BDSM and, most importantly, a radical supporter of the rights of submissive-identified people. Within BDSM, submissives and many others are harmed by a cultural hierarchy that privileges dominant identities and dominant behaviors above all others. In other words, Maymay is not a BDSM outsider who's attacking ...kink“; they are an insider who's fighting domism.

PAT-OKC is, first and foremost, a tool for fighting rape culture. Forced to choose, then, it makes sense for PAT-OKC to prioritize getting as much information as possible to potential rape victims over potentially mislabeling some dominants as ...predators.“ Especially given that the answers to any red-flag questions are displayed prominently at the top of a user's profile where that user can address them.

This tool is an early contribution to the ongoing project of building feminist and anti-rape culture initiatives into the architecture of the Internet, rather than simply using the Internet as an additional platform for awareness-raising. Maymay has asked very widely for help and feedback with improving the tool. Having experimented with it quite a bit (and having been flagged“ myself on the basis of the choking question), I think there is a lot of room for improvement. Which is to say that there are a ton of cool and exciting new ways technologies like this might be built-out to better fight oppression culture online. Better protecting the reputations of dominants on OkCupid is not one of them.

I could get into a contentious conversation here about the politics inherent to power play and the responsibilities that I believe come along with topping re: owning one's shit, but that's not actually germane to the point: Even if YKINMKBYKIOK, so what? PAT-OKC's purpose isn't to educate the OkCupid using populace about the difference between BDSM and abuse, nor is that Maymay's or any other BDSMer's job. (Unless that BDSM'er happens to be, say, a dominant-identified OkCupider who wants to choke a partner and isn't sure how they'd feel about that. Then they can have a conversation about it with that person, perhaps instigated by the red flag that popped up on that dominant user's profile!)

What's important about PAT-OKC is that it's trying to fight rape culture. Not just the sub-culturally specific microcosm of rape culture that takes advantage how it's tricky to negotiate consensual non-con, but the BIG UMBRELLA of rape culture that says if you buy a girl dinner she owes you sex. To do that well, it needs your assistance, suggestions, testing, and feedback to improve. It needs you to talk about it to your friends, share it with your networks, and simply use it. When the thing that blocks you from doing that when you otherwise would is, essentially, a concern about potential ...false accusations“ of dominants, you're putting the needs of dominants above the needs of potential rape victims. 

Whoa. Seriously?

Many, many people have expressed concern to Maymay about the choking question and Maymay has taken the time to respond in several places. I'm not surprised by the fact that their responses are getting more and more terse with repeated asking. I know that I, personally, as an avowed and red-flagged consensual choker, am sick of hearing about it. Prioritizing that issue is inherently domist. And taking a person who's working hard to fight rape culture to task — especially if you know them to be a submissive-identified person — because they're working in a way that isn't attentive enough to the needs of dominants is, well, insulting.  

So, if your first response to PAT-OKC has been a critique of the choking question, even a very politely phrased critique, you may have received a rather terse reply. Rather than wondering why Maymay is being so mean to you, your time might be better spent asking yourself: Why did the choking question feel like such a big deal to you in the first place?

If you're involved with the BDSM scene, regardless of your role orientation, chances are that you've internalized some domist beliefs about the ego-needs of dominants being more important than the safety of submissives. You might not even be aware of them. You might believe that this hierarchy is the only way to think about BDSM. 

It's not.

This is wonderful. And you are wonderful. Thank you. ♥

Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid
[ Posted Thu, 28 Mar 2013 11:33:00 ]

Just in case you thought I was more interested in destroying FetLife than destroying rape culture, allow me to direct your attention to my newest project:


The Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid (PAT-OKC) is an add-on to your Web browser that alerts you of any red flags for a given profile as you browse OkCupid. A flag“ is simply a public action taken by the given profile that is concerning, such as answering Match Questions in the same way an undetected rapist is statistically likely to answer them. For instance, given the following question, an answer of ...Yes.“ would be alarming:

Have you ever been in a situation where you tried, but for various reasons did not succeed, in having sexual intercourse with an adult by using or threatening to use physical force (twisting their arm, holding them down, etc.) if they did not cooperate?

This is not a hypothetical question, nor is the answer universally obvious. This is, in fact, the exact phrasing of a question used in a study called ...Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists“ by David Lisak and Paul M. Miller, published in Violence and Victims, Vol 17, No. 1, 2002 (Lisak and Miller 2002).

Tragically, a statistically significant portion of respondents answered in the affirmative. While much smaller than the portion of respondents who answered with a,“ the fact that some people blithely answered ...yes“ makes these questions worth asking up-front, to everyone, all the time. The Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid automates this process and issues warnings if its heuristics find a concerning match.

This early warning system can help OkCupid users make better informed choices about what measures they feel they need to take to remain safe while using the service.

System requirements

The following software must be installed on your system before installing the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid user script.

Mozilla Firefox

If you use the Mozilla Firefox web browser (version 12.0 or higher), ensure you have the Greasemonkey extension installed (at version 1.0 or higher).

Google Chrome

If you use the Google Chrome web browser (version 23 or higher), ensure you have the Tampermonkey extension installed.


To install the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid, go to and click ...Download and install“ near the middle of the page:

If you enjoy this script, please consider tossing a few metaphorical coins in my cyberbusking hat. :) Your donations are sincerely appreciated! Can't afford to part with any coin? It's cool. Tweet your appreciation, instead.

If is censored where you are, you can alternatively go to the page for Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid and click on ...Install“. If the tool is also unavailable there, you can alternatively download PAT-OKC from


After installing the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid (PAT-OKC), you will be presented with a welcome screen that describes the tool's use, its limitations, and provides links to helpful safety information.

Screenshot of PAT-OKC welcome screen.

Click on the ...Go“ button and you'll begin the installation questionnaire, modeled after the survey in Lisak and Miller's study, cited above. It'll look like this:

Screenshot of PAT-OKC questionnaire.

Complete the Match Questions in the PAT-OKC questionnaire just as you would an ordinary OkCupid question. When you submit your answer, you'll automatically be redirected to the next required question. You'll also be able to pause the questionnaire periodically and resume it later.

When you've completed all of the questions, you'll be presented with a pop-up box that offers a brief summary of how to use the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid:

Screenshot of PAT-OKC summary after completing its quesionnaire.

If you encounter a profile on an OkCupid page whose behavior on the site is concerning, PAT-OKC will highlight links to that user's profile in a red, blocky outline. Viewing that user's OkCupid profile page will offer a full explanation of why that user's profile was red-flagged.

Frequently Asked Questions

Before you report a new issue with the Predator Alert Tool for OkCupid (PAT-OKC), please check to ensure your question is not already addressed in the list below.

Where can I learn more about this issue?

The following articles are important reads that offer additional background and context for this issue:

Each of the pages listed above also contain numerous additional links. I'd recommend reading them, too.

Change log

  • Version 0.2.1:
    • First public release.
  • Version 0.2:
    • Initial orientation path and installation questionnaire.
  • Version 0.1:
    • Initial working prototype.


P.S. Inquiries regarding the destruction of FetLife still welcome, of course.


In this video, I'll show you how to move your FetLife Writings and Pictures to a WordPress blog with a few clicks of your mouse using the free FetLife to WordPress converter. If you found this tool useful, please consider making a donation.


All right folks. The founder of the fetish dating Website FetLife(.com), John Baku, unleashed a wave of pedophilic comments on an unsuspecting 9 year old boy. (Disgusting.)

And you're on FetLife…why?

Because your writings are on FetLife and it'd be a pain to move them to another blogging platform?

In this video, I'll show you how to move your FetLife Writings and Pictures to a WordPress blog with a few clicks of your mouse using the free FetLife to WordPress converter. For this demo, I'll pretend that I'm John Baku, that I actually had moment of conscience, and that I realized I need to ditch FetLife. Okay, here we go:

...Oh my god! The website I made is a terrible privacy disaster! It's full of security holes! I'm misleading people about their safety and privacy online! Individuals and community groups, they rely on me and my team at FetLife to keep them safe and in touch with their friends, but we're doing horrible things like censoring rape survivors, selectively enforcing our own rules, dictatorially blocking criticism using outright censorship and bogus DMCA takedown notices, and generally exploiting people's trust. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I need to get away from FetLife ASAP. But how am I going to take all my years' worth of writings, and my hundreds of pictures and journal entries, and photos of myself making racist jokes elsewhere? SHIT! I've locked people into using FetLife like the corporate scum I now realize that I am! OHHHH, WHAT AM I TO DO?“

...What's that? Maymay wrote a tool to convert a FetLife user account to WordPress? Thank goodness! I'll make a free, private WordPress blog and keep making racist jokes there. That way, fewer 9 year olds will be subjected to my terrible, terrible judgement and mocking sexualization. Thanks, maymay!“

You're welcome, John. I'm still waiting for a response to the invoice that I sent you, but what-evs.

Okay, so, moving your stuff out of FetLife is really pretty easy. Just go to Enter your connection details—I bet John Baku's password is ...I'm an idiot“—and click the ...Connect to FetLife and make my WXR file“ button. Be patient; if you've posted a lot of stuff (like you have, John) it may take a while. This might be a good time to reflect on the horrific fact that the BDSM and fetish community have a 50% higher incidence of consent violations than the general populace, as measured by a recent NCSF survey. That means you can significantly increase your likelihood of getting raped or assaulted and all you have to do is go to your local BDSM Munch a few times! ...Safe, sane, and consensual“ MY ASS.

Anyway, you'll eventually be asked to download a file. Save that file to your computer; it's got all your FetLife Writings and Pictures in it! (I've already downloaded a copy, here.)

Next, go to and sign up for a new free blog. You can make it private if you wish, which unlike on FetLife actually fucking means something here. Okay, then click ...Sign up!“

From your new blog's Dashboard, go to ...Import“ from the Tools menu. Then choose ...WordPress.“ You'll be asked to upload the file you saved earlier, so go ahead and do that.

After the file uploads, you'll be given the option to ...Assign Authors“ to the posts you'll import, but you can leave all the settings at their defaults. Then, click ...Submit.“

WordPress will tell you it's ...Processing…“ the file and, again, now might be a good time to reflect on the systemically abusive nature of the BDSM Scene as a social institution. It's basically a worldwide cult that brainwashes whole demographics of people into believing that they need to suck some other demographic's metaphorical dick to feel fulfilled. That's evil. And people like Susan Wright, NCSF's Executive Director and recently-hired FetLife Community Manager, are complicit in it.

Once your import's been processed, you can return to your WordPress Dashboard and happily note your posts and pictures and all their comments were imported successfully! Here's a couple. You can browse around and note that all the comments on his posts, all the post content, it's all there. In WordPress's Media Library, even the pictures on your profile in FetLife were copied to your new blog on WordPress. The images are now on the WordPress blog!

So that's it! In just a few clicks, you're able to take back control over your own content, to move it around wherever you wish, and never again rely on FetLife for anything.

What's that? Still using FetLife because it's the place where you find out about the parties on Saturday night? Check out FetLife iCalendar, an easy way to sync your Google Calendar, Apple iCal, Microsoft Outlook, Yahoo! Calendar, and many other calendaring tools with FetLife events, without ever having to log in to FetLife ever again. (Yup, I said ...sync.“)

My name is maymay, and I'm passionate about empowering people to own and control their own content. If you found this tool useful, please consider making a donation. Click the DONATE button, the link below the video.

And if you'd like to learn more, visit


[ Posted Fri, 08 Mar 2013 12:32:19 ]

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Ready to ditch FetLife? Tools to make the transition easier.
[ Posted Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:02:00 ]


All right folks. FetLife's founder, John Baku, unleashed a wave of pedophilic comments on an unsuspecting 9 year old boy. (Disgusting.) FetLife's new community manager, Susan Wright, is telling a woman targeted by a convicted murderer that the other FetLife users who are sending her personally identifiable details to this felon are not in violation of the site's Terms of Use. (Bizarre.) And the people who are continuing to post my full legal name and other information, despite many of my friends having sent me screenshots showing that they've repeatedly reported these violations, are continuing to do so.

And you're on FetLife…why?

Because it's the place where you find out about events? Check out FetLife iCalendar, an easy way to sync your Google Calendar, Apple iCal, Microsoft Outlook, or any other calendaring application with FetLife events. (Yup, I said ...sync.“)

Because you don't want to lose all your account history and FetLife offers no way for you to get it? Check out this free FetLife Export tool, which comes complete with a video walkthrough for making a full backup of your FetLife account.

Because your writings are on FetLife and it'd be a pain to move them to another blogging platform? Last night, I wrote a WordPress plugin that automagically imports your FetLife Writings from into your WordPres blog. It's called the WP FetLife Importer and as soon as it gets approved, you can download and install WP FetLife Importer directly from the WordPress Plugin Directory. Until then, you can download a copy from my staging server.

Screenshot of WP FetLife Importer.

If your blog is on rather than your own server where you can install plugins, try the FetLife to WordPress eXtended RSS (WXR) Generator instead.

Recently, I got some email from folks who run a BDSM/fetish group concerned that FetLife isn't the best place for them to be. (Y'think?) Moreover, although they had come to rely on the site for just about everything, they had no way to contact the over 2,000 members in their FetLife group informing them that they'd like to transition away from FetLife.

Turns out, I'm getting more and more requests from folks who are beginning to realize that FetLife is exploiting them and not letting them leave easily. When a company, or a service, or a person, tells you that you need them to survive, and at the same time they hinder your attempts to leave, what you've got is an abusive relationship.

And while I can continue to say ...I told you so“ until the cows come home, I'm taking a different approach this time.

  • If you're an individual person and you want some help escaping FetLife, leave a comment or make a request for some code and I might be able to make an exporter/importer/content migration tool for you.
  • If you're an organization or a group, check out my (still very new) Escape from FetLife page and ask me for a quote. I can make hours upon hours of labor-intensive work moving content out of FetLife as easy as…well, as easy as clicking a button. (Don't believe me? Try any of the tools, above.)

I was a professional Web developer and free software programmer for almost a decade. If you (or anyone you know) wants help getting off of FetLife, let's make it happen. (Because I can.)


Last October, I introduced the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE) at the 2012 Transcending Boundaries Conference. In the final session of the conference, I facilitated a community forum about the tool and the issues it addresses more generally. Watch the entire session, ...Help FetLife's Rape Culture FAADE Away,“ online or read the full transcript., an online meeting place for fetish and BDSM enthusiasts, censors the postings of its users when they allege other users of the site have raped, assaulted, or otherwise violated their consent, giving rise to a new grassroots movement within a youth S&M subculture committed to supporting survivors of sexual assault.

In this community forum facilitated by Social Justice Technologist and veteran BDSM community muckraker maymay, participants discuss the endemic problem of abuse within the BDSM Scene and brainstorm ideas for how to combat a terrifying status-quo. Using academic sources such as David Lisak's and Stephanie McWhorter's research on Predator Theory as a springboard, maymay introduces a new tool called the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE) to assist the community in its search for strategies to fight the ...hush-hush“ mindset that keeps rape culture so prominent in formalized BDSM organizations.

...The BDSM community has had, in its modern incarnation, at least two decades to develop some system of self-policing to keep abusers out, and what it's done instead is promote abusers to positions of power,“ said one participant.

...Fuck asking permission,“ maymay concurs. ...Fuck asking for cooperation from the powers that be that have shown us that they're not interested in doing anything other than continuing to silence and abuse their own institutional positions and powers to maintain a status quo that is actively dangerous, actively abusive, and only serves themselves. I'm over it. It's done, and it needs to go away. And it can if we all cooperate on building tools like this, and promoting these tools to others.“

Learn more and spread the word about the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE) at

Read a full transcript of this session at

An excerpt from the session:

[O]ne of the concerns that I heard that wasn't raised here, specifically, but that I heard out there in the conference, was, ...Well, if I use this tool, I'm afraid FetLife will ban me.“

Number one: well, shit, isn't that kind of part of the problem? And number two: yes, that's why we can't trust FetLife and can't communicate with them at all. Does that makes sense? Okay, I see nodding. Any questions about those two pieces?

False accusations: bring it the fuck on. And here's why. In both situations, where the accusation is ...objectively“ true, whatever the fuck that means, and also in situations where it is not true, this tool will—and the use of this tool, and the reporting of these allegations, and the sharing of these allegations—forces a consent conversation to the surface and empowers people to actually deal with the issues rather than continue to sweep them under the rug, in several different ways.

If you have a allegation levied against you and you feel it's inappropriate or unfair, what can you do? You can ignore it, such as we've been doing already. Or you can, when you see that you have a report such as this one showing up on your profile above orientation, looking for, etcetera, at the very top of your profile, and you also have this very lovely, provided by FetLife—thank you, FetLife!—editable box right here. It's called ...About Me.“ I propose that you respond to the allegation in the About Me section. And what that does, is several things. Number one: gets information about consent violations and alleged assaults out of this tool and onto FetLife. Wonderful. Number two: it will offer us the ability to see how people actually respond to these allegations.

Now, currently, the state of affairs is that if you do not have an alleged accusation against you, you are perceived more or less to be safe. A safe player: ...Don't worry, this person's fine.“ The problem with this is, number one, you very well may have an accusation against you. There may very well be an accusation against this person that you don't know about because this information is siloed. And that is what the whole ConsentCulture project, that's what people have been reporting, that's what people have been saying. In fact, in the live—where is it? Oh, here it is—in the data here, people are already saying here, ...This person had a reputation for known BDSM-related consent violations,“ etc. It would have been great to know that. But this person probably didn't have any information about this. So, [FAADE] will surface that.

Read the full transcript….

See also:

[ Posted Thu, 17 Jan 2013 16:47:45 ]

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ABSTRACT: Tracking rape culture's social license to operate online
[ Posted Sun, 30 Dec 2012 20:30:00 ]

Because, actually, this really matters.


The FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE) is a simple tool to collect reports of allegedly abusive behavior perpetrated by individuals. As expected, it was quickly ...spammed“ by aggrieved users who expressly articulated a motivation to ...make it [FAADE] useless.“ However, analysis of the spam suggests there are data-driven ways to identify communities who have toxic responses to the possibility of abuse occurring in their midst, something we've read about before but haven't been able to witness, play by play, on screen. This post will first show how the spam was matched to a geographically proximal social group. It will then discuss the implications of this analysis for suggesting possible heuristics that can protect users of online social networks from physical-world sexual assault that are more useful than deeply flawed processes relying on blacklists such as national sex offender registries.

Read the full post….


The FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine, or FAADE, is a tool that alerts you of profiles on FetLife belonging to people who have reportedly violated others' consent, such as through sexual assault or rape. This tool is a response to what is, as of this writing, one of the most popular suggestions in the FetLife suggestion box:

Let us name abusers.

Fetlife's Terms of Use include the following prohibitions:

...You agree that, while using BitLove Inc.'s Products and Services, you will not:
Personally attack, make fun of, troll, flame, bully, stalk or otherwise harass another member.
Make criminal accusations against another member in a public forum. […]...

While these conditions may be invoked to stop harassment and to shield Fetlife from liability, they also prevent members of our community from publicly naming and speaking out against abusers, rapists, and other predators. Given Fetlife's prominence and the role it plays in supporting and expanding kink community – particularly its role as a point of entry into the community for young, inexperienced, or otherwise vulnerable people – we feel that Fetlife's current policy is irresponsible and tantamount to enabling abuse. PLEASE CHANGE IT.

FAADE empowers Internet users like you to anonymously report harassment, rape, and other abuses they have experienced at the hands of a person with a FetLife account. Your report is then automatically disemminated to other FAADE users, as well as being published on the open Internet. While browsing FetLife, FAADE will also highlight any user profile you encounter that has allegedly violated another person's consent. Click through to the user's profile for a complete listing of reported consent violations.

System requirements

To use the FetLife Alleged Abusers Datase Engine, you must be running Mozilla Firefox (version 12.0 or higher), with the Greasemonkey extension installed (at version 1.0 or higher).

Sorry, FAADE is currently incompatible with other Web browsers. (Please help me fix that!)


To install the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine, go to and click the ...Download and install“ near the middle of the page:

Download and install FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine

If you enjoy this script, please consider tossing a few metaphorical coins in my cyberbusking hat. :) Your donations are sincerely appreciated! Can't afford to part with any coin? It's cool. Tweet your appreciation, instead.

If is censored where you are, you can alternatively go to the page for FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine and click on ...Install.... If the tool is also unavailable there, you can alternatively download FAADE from


To use the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE), log in to your account and click the ...(report a consent violation by username)“ link next to the FetLife username of the user who you wish to report for an alleged assault, rape, or other violation of your consent.

When you click a a consent violation“ link, you will be presented with a form asking you for pertinent information related to the violation you would like to report. Follow the instructions on the form and click ...Submit“ to complete your report.

Once you have filed your report, it will be displayed to other FAADE users near the top of the alleged abuser's FetLife profile, as shown in the example below:

Screenshot of FetLife profile with record of alleged consent violation.

Please be patient. It may take up to 24 hours for your report to be visible on FetLife pages to other FAADE users, but it will be immediately available on the open Internet. The entire database of alleged abuses is also available for download to anyone, regardless of whether they use FAADE or not, in multiple formats:

Additionally, you can also subscribe to receive updates of alleged abuses:

Frequently Asked Questions

Before you report a new issue with the FetLife Alleged Abusers Database Engine (FAADE), please check to ensure your question is not already addressed in the list below.

Can I report a consent violation anonymously?

Yes. FAADE will never require the use of your personally identifying information to be reported, nor will it ever collect your personal information. When you file a report of abuse, you are welcome to include as much or as little information about yourself as you feel comfortable doing.

Can I report a consent violation if I don't have a FetLife account?

Yes. Anyone can file a report, regardles of whether they, themselves, have a FetLife account. However, allegations can only be made against users of FetLife.

If you don't have a FetLife account, you can still access and submit the report form. However, some fields, such as the person's numeric FetLife user ID and profile name, will not be be automatically filled in. Follow the instructions on the report form to help you complete any fields not already pre-filled.

Can I remove myself from the database?

No. There will never be an option for removing anyone from the database. And no, I'm not sorry about that.

What can I do if I've been falsely accused?

You can update your FetLife profile to address the allegation. Be sure to respond to the allegation at the very beginning of your ...About me“ section so that it is displayed close to the report you believe is false. Each report filed against you is numbered, so if you believe there are multiple false accusations, you can refer to them by number.

Where can I learn more about this issue?

The following articles are important reads that offer additional background and context for this issue:

Each of the pages listed above also contain numerous additional links. Take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

See also:

[ Posted Thu, 08 Nov 2012 16:38:36 ]


I know a lot of you follow this blog for the very sexy porn but, frankly, this is more important. I implore you: care about submissive men as people, if only because that’s a humane way to get more porn. So if you’ve wondered why there wasn’t a steady stream of male submissive sex objects on this feed over the past year, consider the possibility that those of us who would curate such a thing (like me) are often emotionally deadened to the possibility of enjoying the results…and ask yourself why that might be.



Clearly inspired by my BDSM Workshop Bingo, a self-described ...young, sexually dominant, Adult“ made a BDSM Meetup Bingo board:


I made a new Bingo, for meetups ~

Cute. I like it. More interesting, however, are this person's reflections upon attending a BDSM Scene event recently. Here's what they had to say:

So I went to my first bdsm meet up. The prospect was simple:

If you like bdsm and want to talk to others, come to this place. A few obvious rules are stated (dress normally, don't hit on everything that moves, be nice) -

I expected a bunch of ...old“ people (40+) and… found that. Let me go into detail;

The typical ...Old man with money, younger wife that struggles with the fact that she is old and now looks like her skin is leather from all the things she tries to hide her age with“

The ...40- something, husband and totally out of place looking guy“ that never talks about bdsm, but a lot about politics and economics

The ...35+ and desperate“ guy that … basically acts like quagmire from Family Guy - Giggdy - shamelessly bothering anything that looks like a sub.

The ...Passive Sub“ - that simply never says anything, barley keeping herself from clinging to her husband.

Notice the gendered language. At the first reference to a submissive person, the ...she“ gender pronoun is used. And BDSM'ers wonder why I feel invisible?

The fat girl(s) - Lets be honest, they do tend to be into bdsm, god bless em. Quite nice to chat with actually~

The Painslut - the youngest person after me, 27 years old - takes great joy from the older people basically fighting over her. Very open, wanted me to play with her after a disturbingly short amount of time.

Note, again, ...The Painslut“ is referred to as ...she.“ Note, even more importantly, the unabashed promiscuity, who displayed it, and how. I have greater issues with this due to the fact that people who behave in the way described here tend to rarely, if ever, acknowledge that their ability to be socially supported in doing so is a privilege bestowed upon them by the BDSM Scene-State's work-play economy. For those that don't know, the BDSM Scene-State's work-play economy works like this:

Click through for a full description. Anyway, continuing with the original poster's reflections:

The male Sub - Talks a lot, loved by everyone, caters to any and every opinion - actually quite nice.

I've seen this person, too. Hell, for a couple years, I was this person. Note the final characteristic listed: caters to any and every opinion. Male submissives are totally welcome in the BDSM Scene, as long as we behave, in Matt Groening's words, like ...devious little weasels“:

On the other hand, if we don't play nice with every privileged shit we meet, if we actually speak for ourselves, if we actually hold dissenting views and speak the fuck up about them, we're not so well-treated.

The King & Queen ...We've been here for 48 years, let us state that regularly and clearly“

Also known as ...the Puny Kings of Puny Hills.“

The Old Guard ...We are old. Therefore we know bdsm well. When you ask for tips and stories, we change topic though - very afraid of losing there position of ...knows the most“ and will quite rudely interrupt anyone else giving tips with pointless statements/jokes.

The young Dom (like me!) - Looks like a designer/hipster/programmer - they obviously read some books, they clearly enjoy hurting and playing people and answer your questions willingly - as long as you never doubt them.

Really just smalltalk most of the night, getting used to each other, naturally finding some comfort before the more kinky topics start up late at night - sadly they also are quite drunk at this time and the desperate fellas lose all limits, leading to a lot of awkward moment of subs trying to escape them.

I'm going to emphasize that last bit just because it deserves to be repeated: ...a lot of awkward moments of subs trying to escape [doms].“

At first blush, it's easy to gloss right over this sentence, to not realize the massive intrusion of rape culture into the BDSM Scene that this sentence illustrates. But that's what it is: this is what rape culture looks like in the BDSM Scene.

Overall the preference was really limited to ...receiving and inflicting pain“, with a foot-fetish and electro play as the only escapees i found.

And that is because most people in the semi-public BDSM Scene are brainwashed to adhere to a hierarchy of play that puts pain at the top. I call this ...The Kink Culture of Fear.“ It's stupid, but it's everywhere.

The crew was mostly men, but the ratio wasn't to bad (2.5 guys to 1 female) - but I wouldn't recommend there if you want to find the partner for your life. You can certainly get laid, thou~

While the ratio of humans at a BDSM Scene event is generally more evenly gender-balanced than is expected, a far more telling measure is the ratio of images (porn, photographs, etc.) present on the BDSM venue's walls.

The community feeling is rather thick and you have to work your way in during the small talk, trying to ignore the inside jokes and reference to events you can't know.

Yup. Clique clique clique clique clique.

What did I learn?

- BDSM communities can be pretty much like a swinger club.

- If you are young, people don't think you can do ...the bdsm“ - but they are nice about it

Not only are they nice about it, they practically treat you like you're a humanoid version of the 8th Wonder of the World, citing your extreme exceptionalism as justification for their unadulterated adultism. Again, it's stupid, but it's everywhere.

- Some clichés are true.

- Talk to male subs, they are quite pleasant and easy to approach.


Do you have any idea how many times I've read a sentence like this? Once. In my whole life. However, do you have any idea how many times I've read sentences that are very much the opposite? Here's just a tiny fraction of the things I see written about male submissives every day without even having to go looking for them most of the time:

These are all real quotes. Click through for their sources. There's a ton more, but frankly I don't have the emotional stamina to copy-and-paste them. If you're reading and you have some more examples, by all means, add your own—and do it with links if you have them so others can find out who these people are.

- Subs may not talk a lot, but they are still watching you.

- They all shared a lot of personal, intimate things in play partys and so on - you are not part of this, but you can be. Respect that you have to earn that trust first.

- It's actually pretty chill.

- Talking Dom to Dom can be educating, a nice circle jerk off ...oh yeah [Dat feel]“

- Trying to explain your kinks and why you like them is HARD!

- Showing up as single-male isn't that horrible, as long as you behave.

As you see, there was no direct advise - and overall any definite statements are rare, because even more then in Internet communities, people avoid actually running the risk of saying something that someone else may disagree with - after all you see these people in person, you don't want them to know about your daddy-daughter fetish - even in the kink friendly group.

Even in the ...outsider“ group of BDSM, there are outsiders.

Truth. As Matt Cornell wrote, ...listen to…outsiders, those individuals who put their bodies in the frame to agitate for more diverse images and better ideas. […] Perhaps [they] can show us a way out. A way to feel whole.“

People often ask me, is the BDSM Scene really ...universally…that bad?“ And I answer yes, it is. By all means, go there yourself if you don't believe me. I guarantee you'll eventually come to realize that these things I've been saying and writing for almost a decade now, are not far-flung fictions.

What this person who reflected on their first BDSM Scene meetup described is not an anomaly. The BDSM Scene is a global subculture that has spread like a virus across the globe.

Think about it. At every corner of the BDSM Scene, you'll hear the same tropes, you'll see the same dress codes, and you'll notice the same demographics of people are excluded, marginalized, and gleefully denigrated. You'll find the same retailers selling the same equipment, the same celebrities presenting the same material, and the same people (sometimes literally) spewing the same bullshit rhetoric, over and over and over again.

This is not just some loose, informal happenstance. The lack of diversity in the BDSM Scene-State is a symptom of its globalized, industrialized, capitalist impulse. It is a system worth destroying.

Still not convinced? Here are a couple additional reactions to my BDSM Workshop Bingo board, just from here on Tumblr:

  • ...SNAP. I wish I'd had this back in February for Dark Odyssey! I would've gotten bingo at least three times for the two classes I went to. Also: this applies to every workshop I've ever been to ever.“ —
  • ...Ugh, I have heard almost all of those things over the years…“ —

[ Posted Tue, 09 Oct 2012 17:32:00 ]


BDSM Scene power brokers are doing everything they know how to silence discussions of the rampant rapes, sexual assaults, and violations of consent in their midst (especially by high-profile, VIP-status people), to censor postings linking to critique, and to prevent important safety and privacy information from spreading.

Over the past several weeks, I’ve been sent more than five different Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) takedown notices for videos I've made and posts I've written criticizing the “single largest online organ in the BDSM universe,” (aka BitLove, Inc.). Moreover, as of this writing, most of my counter-notices were allowed to proceed unchallenged, a tacit acknowledgement that FetLife is well aware their DMCA takedown notices were improper and that my material was all either non-infringing or fair use. The majority of my content is now back online.

As I recently wrote, the BDSM Scene is an abusive social institution. I believe its institutional structures ought be destroyed as quickly and as mercilessly as possible. No institution deserves loyalty, no demographic compassion, no organization trust, no culture respect. But every person is entitled to each of these.

Since the BDSM Scene’s powers that be have economic incentives to support rape culture, to perpetuate technical ignorance, and to erode Internet user privacy, I’ve begun writing computer code to provide users self-empowering tools. This is an effort to break through the “somebody else’s problem” mindset, and an attempt to show that, on the Internet, users—not institutions—can be in control of our own well-being if we work together.

Volunteers are needed to help write code, beta test new tools (such as those linked below), brainstorm new ideas, and generally disrupt the BDSM Scene-State’s abusive functioning. The game is cat-and-mouse; the goal is to spread this information before Scene-State agents censor it, to implement as many tools empowering users as possible, with or without BDSM Scene permission or assistance. Every reblog counts. Every link shared matters.


The free FetLife Epic Thread user script gives threaded comments.

The FetLife Epic Thread user script makes reading long, passionate discussions on easier by adding comment threading for @-replies, a ...previous/next“ link for related comments, and visual highlights. Instead of needing to scroll past a bunch of unrelated comments, simply click the ...Next in thread on page“ link to go to the next comment in the thread. Rather than having to scroll up or copy-and-paste to see what a comment is replying to, click the reply to“ link to see the original comment right under your cursor.

Download and install from

See also:

[ Posted Mon, 01 Oct 2012 18:25:41 ]


Four lists, arranged in columns, describe traits commonly associated with “men,” “women,” “dominants” and “submissives,” respectively. The column labeled “Act like a man” bears striking similarities to the column “Act like a dominant,” while the column labeled “Act like a woman” closely resembles the items in the list marked “Act like a submissive.”

This image is the heart of a post called “The intersection of performative masculinity/femininity and dominance/submission,” published today by Dev. It’s a brilliant piece illustrating the hegemonic prejudices plaguing both the mainstream and the BDSM worlds. Reading it nearly brought me to tears:

As you can see, how to act like a man neatly maps onto how to act like a dom, and how to act like a woman neatly maps onto how to act like a sub. In this way, heterosexual M/f couples (male dominant, female submissive) wherein the man is a sadist (enjoys giving pain), and the female a masochist (enjoys receiving pain) can easily perform their two roles flawlessly at the same time. This is exemplified by the wildly popular Fifty Shades of Grey. This book is able to be so easily consumed because it doesn't trample on anyone's preconceived notions of what it means to be male or female, dominant or submissive. The M/f couple then, can be at the top of the BDSM hierarchy, with the male dominant on top of course because he's dominant (and dominants are supposed to be superior).

Where do female dominants and male submissives land in this hierarchy? Female dominants get a higher place in the BDSM hierarchy than male submissives because even though they are stepping outside of the 'act like a woman box' 1) they too are dominants, which are intrinsically better than submissives according to our boxes, and 2) they are taking on masculine traits, which lifts their status rather than lowers it. Therefore, the hierarchy is topped by male dominants, then female dominants, then female submissives, and then male submissives. The latter group find themselves at the bottom of the heap because, like female dominants, they cannot reconcile their two roles, but unlike femdoms their new role takes them down a peg rather than boosting them up the ladder.

(Link in the quotation added by me.)

I rarely blog simply to say, “Go read this other thing,” but this is important enough to do exactly that. Please, please, please go read Dev’s post. It not only contains further analysis of the sexism inherent in mainstream BDSM culture (yes, even subcultures have a mainstream), it offers some generic advice for “throwing out the bad” and “keeping what works.” Just the other day, I published a "PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT for submissive men" (and other marginalized peoples) that I feel is equally important to associate with this post:

The BDSM Scene is an abusive social institution that provides structural cover for rapists, has economic incentives to silence survivors of sexual assault, and contains numerous for-profit businesses actively invested in the exploitation of its own members. Unfortunately, many assailants hold positions of power within the community, which makes it extremely difficult to talk about without being ostracized from the community.

No matter what they say, the BDSM community does NOT hold a monopoly on your sex life nor on your ability to play safely, or to find partners who you love and who will love you. The BDSM community is by and large only supportive of people who are white, heterosexual, class-privileged, cisgendered, conformant to hegemonic societal ideals of beauty, able-bodied, and so on.

The BDSM Scene's whiteness is classism at work supporting sexism and racism. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. I strongly urge everyone interested in BDSM sexuality to AVOID AND DISASSOCIATE with any and all formal leather/kink/BDSM/fetish organizations in your area.

This is even more important for submissive men, trans people, old women, and fat women, all of whom are routinely used and discarded in both mainstream culture and the BDSM community as nothing more than a butt of a joke.

We deserve better. You deserve better. These people have no interest in doing right by you; most of them are nothing more valuable than privileged shits.

I urge you, from the bottom of my heart and a deeply personal place of empathetic experience, let their world burn. They're doing it already; they don't even need the media to make them look bad. Their behavior, abuse cover-ups, and rape apologism mimics the catholic Church, now.

None of this is hyperbole. As I said in a comment on Dev’s post, the “links […] provide details about each assertion made.”

I have been in an epistemically abusive relationship with the BDSM Scene for far too long. Enough. The BDSM Scene and its privileged shits can go frak themselves. And I hope they do.



The intersection of performative masculinity/femininity and dominance/submission, by Dev

Please read the whole post. Please.

See also:

[ Posted Fri, 14 Sep 2012 11:32:00 ]


A very old man closes his eyes as a tag and padlock are affixed to a wavy metal collar encircling his neck.

Today, I turned 27, and I am afraid. When I look to the future, I feel capable of seeing only the single stereotype of older submissive men that exists: alone, disgusting, and desperate. I like this picture because it offers an escape, however fleeting, from that catastrophizing.

Today, I turned 27, and I am angry. Everywhere I look in public, there are different discussions happening than everywhere I look in private. When I try to articulate this difference, it rarely receives public acknowledgement. So I lash out in barely-restrained anger at people I ought not. These comments are another good illustration:

Before I ever wore a collar, I read about other submissives being collared on blogs, and I thought it sounded nice, but in a ritualistic way that seemed a little hokey to me.  Still, it seemed meaningful for them.

I like to imagine the man in this picture has been a submissive all his life, but only now he's been able to act on that and find a dominant lover.  And here he is, being collared at last, when he's 84.  That seems very romantic….

Think, for a moment, how 84 years of unrequited submissive desire might feel. Only in as sick a world as ours could this be called “romantic.” It should be called epistemic abuse.

Today, I turned 27, and I am diffident. Ironically, my reputation as the author of this website could be turned into more opportunities to play and fuck the way I want than I ever imagined. But in that reality I can no longer honestly count myself among the men for whom I want my writings to speak.

Please understand that I feel as though I was the creepy old guy before he was either creepy or old. I was hurting because the community where I felt most at home was the same one that made me feel the most unattractive.

So as my youth—that other stereotype of sexual desirability—inevitably slips further away, I grow more afraid. And the more I’m told to “count my blessings,” the angrier I get, not because I’ve got nothing going for me, but because I cannot abide a world in which some of us are so love- and touch-starved that getting something back from sharing really personal fears with the Internet is considered a “blessing” in the first place.

I think we can do better. What’s stopping us?


[ Posted Tue, 05 Jul 2011 20:07:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

A man bound with his arms above his head bites his lip as a woman wearing a sunhat gropes him and smiles.

Shortly after I saw this contribution to Submissive Secrets, I reblogged it on my personal Tumblr to ask for more images featuring both male submission and body-positivity. Almost immediately after that, ireensarrows suggested this photograph. Then, after using that “secret” to announce Submissive Secrets on Male Submission Art, mswyrr independently suggested the exact same photograph.

I could not have been more pleased. Not only is this picture a gorgeous contribution in its own right—look at her smile, his responsiveness, the bondage!—the models are none other than my friends Kitty Stryker, a self-identified fat girl, and her partner (whose self-identification I am unaware of but who is certainly larger in size than I am); I recognized them immediately. Moreover, the image is sourced from the Filament Magazine blog, whose author, Suraya Singh, has been a repeat guest on the netcast I produce, Kink On Tap.

In one hand, the fact that there seems to be such a small group of Good People doing this Good Work is disquieting. In the other, I’m reminded how despite the fact that only 2% of Americans were actively involved in the civil rights movement, they had an enormous impact. (And while I cannot verify that statistic, I also don’t wish to see it debunked because it gives me hope.)

mswyrr had this to say:

In response to the secret you posted: submissive boys with body fat are fucking gorgeous, too. Sweet and touchable. I could cuddle up to a boy and stroke his soft tummy in quiet bliss for hours. There are no words!

I like skinny boys, too. But, among the minority of images portraying male submission, it is a sad fact that thin men and buff men are most widely represented. I’m submitting this image because it’s one of the few I’ve found of a big, beautiful fellow. Guh.

As I’ve said before, the sheer number of duplicate suggestions this blog gets evinces the paltry availability of quality erotic images featuring marginalized groups. Even the way "male submission" is often (mis)understood as "femdom" reveals a fractal pattern of categorical privilege flipped upside-down when it comes to sexuality. Though not always welcome attention, fat women are sometimes fetishized, while fat men are overwhelmingly portrayed as purely repulsive.

Kitty has written about the “rather weighty issue" of her size:

[I]f I’m just having a self-concious sort of day, I get a bit nervous stripping down. I make sure my panties are smoothed over my belly in a way that disguises the way it curves to my pubic hair. […] I wouldn’t say I don’t like [my body]—I do, we go through a lot together, it and I, and I have few complaints—I think I feel uncertain of it, more, unsure that it’s up to par.

Although written by a woman, these are sentiments I imagine many fat men can relate to. As with most issues regarding self-esteem, the discussion is dominated by women’s insecurities, leaving men trapped in the Man Box. As a result, fat men frequently face similar sexual erasure as other “other”-ed groups. Sadly, they have few places, if any, to experience being desired—as they are.


[ Posted Sun, 29 May 2011 23:58:28 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph

A “secret” shared via Submissive Secrets, a community art project based on the PostSecret concept and inspired by several contributions to the Queer Secrets Tumblr regarding BDSM. The secret is:

[ Image: the Male Submission Art tumblr, with title changed to Male Submission Art With Over 15% Body Fat. The search box says who look like me“ and the content column is blank. Text: I must have heard it over 100 times: ...I like curvy women but skinny guys.“ I know most guys aren't supposed to be anxious about their bodies. But I wouldn't be here in the first place if I was most guys. ]

I’m posting this here because, after years of sharing pieces of my story with you, I’d like to invite you to share a piece of your story with me.

As you may know, Male Submission Art was a website created in a fit of frustration. At its root, this website is a response to (epistemically abusive) pain. Specifically, it’s a response to the pain inflicted by the sometimes inescapable presumption of male dominance.

I maintain that although this pain is not a universal experience, it is an underreported, under-appreciated, and above all underrepresented manifestation of the abuse culture in which we live. Abuse culture spawns rape culture. But abuse culture also spawns transphobia. It spawns psychopathic “blinding macho” socialization. And, as this secret makes so beautifully clear, it spawns body-negativity.

I, for one, am sick and tired of being sick and tired—I am tired of feeling alone. And so, in a fit of frustration, like Male Submission Art before it, I recently made a spinoff website called Submissive Secrets as a response to this pain.

In his blog, Roger Ebert described the effect of loneliness like this:

When I was a child the mailman came once a day. Now the mail arrives every moment. I used to believe it was preposterous that people could fall in love online. Now I see that all relationships are virtual, even those that take place in person. Whether we use our bodies or a keyboard, it all comes down to two minds crying out from their solitude.

My experience blogging at Male Submission Art has been a remarkable education in the way one might use a keyboard to cry out from one’s solitude. It embodies, in cyberspace, my own desperate attempt to transform things that harm me into things that help me. But this website is largely still about me and so, at times, I have felt regret that my own pain sometimes prevented me from updating this site on a more regular basis because I know how much it has helped others.

Now that I know I’m not alone, this website is no longer enough. As I wrote on the Submissive Secrets about page:

I believe it is time to tell the stories and share the thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears submissive men and those who love them have in a way that offers solidarity, compassion, empathy, trust, sympathy, lust, and, of course, love.


Since storytelling is the foundation of any movement, I want to collect the stories of any male, male-identified, or masculine-of-center person who’s submissively inclined or curious. And I also want to collect the stories of everyone else who is attracted to, interested in, or supportive of such drives for personal fulfillment. And then, once we have all shared our stories about these experiences, we will have made the world a better place for it, and, together, we are going to show everyone that it is good to be the kind of people we are.

It’s true we are not all identical; we have a variety of different tastes. But we are all human. And we all deserve to be happy. So if we can’t just snap our fingers and make everyone happy, the least we can do is make ourselves heard.


My hope is that with everyone sharing pieces of their story, we will weave a beautiful patchwork tapestry.

And so, from my mind to yours, I invite you: be heard.


[ Posted Sun, 29 May 2011 20:48:07 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize

An opulently dressed man in Greek-inspired clothing and greaves leans backwards onto a ledge as a similarly-dressed woman holds him by the waist and grips his hair.

Here’s a complex picture whose layered meanings become more complex as one learns its context. Suggested independently by both Science Me Harder and Svollga, the image is a photograph from a 1932 stage production of The Warrior’s Husband (one year before it became a Hollywood screenplay) showing Katharine Hepburn in the role of Antiope, an Amazon royal, and Colin Keith-Johnston in the role of Theseus, leader of the Greek army. It’s a gorgeous picture for all the reasons Science Me Harder enumerates:

[T]his picture always strikes me as beautiful because of the way the woman holds the man’s hair and supports him with her other arm, and especially the way the man seems to be standing so still and willing to be held with his eyes closed.

Svollga shared similar sentiments:

I was very attracted to this image, both because it’s beautiful (the lines! the poses! the dynamics!) and because to me, it speaks clearly of power exchange and female domination. The historical context only adds more layers to the feeling. (Not to mention that it hits a lot of my kinks, from gender role-reversal to hair-gripping.)

It looks like a reversal of roles for the bodice-ripper cover. Usually, it’s a man holding a woman around a waist, leaning her back, even gripping her hair. Here, the woman (and a very feminine one) does it all to a (big and strong) man—and he seems to like it. They are both very sensual and relaxed in this picture. It looks like a foreplay where people are either well-acquainted or just very comfortable with each other, and they are actually playing while being quite serious about it.

While I share Svollga’s enthrallment with this picture, overt role-reversal was intentionally comedic in the 1930s. The “historical context” is quite different than what one might hope. According to the 1933 screenplay’s description, The Warrior’s Husband is not a tale of female domination, but rather voluntary female subordination:

The Warrior’s Husband is a satire of the male and female roles in society set in 800 B.C. starring Elissa Landi as Antiope, an Amazonian beauty and sister to the queen of Pontus. Queen Hippolyta (Marjorie Rambeau) rules Pontus with masculine authority; in fact, it is the women of Pontus who do all the laboring, fighting, and governing. Hippolyta’s husband Sapiens (Ernest Truex) is truly a sissy of the first order, and is not unlike most of Pontus’ male inhabitants. When the Greek army under Theseus (DM) invades in pursuit of the queen’s “magic girdle,” the appearance of real men on the scene is strange and unnerving to the women of Pontus. Struck by Antiope’s beauty Theseus woos her and, reluctantly at first, she falls in love with him. Realizing the value of male leadership, the Amazons willingly allow the men to assume control.

Lacking context, we can easily project our fantasies onto this image but when we factor in the story’s plot we see that gender roles were not actually reversed. Even before the story’s culmination in the patriarchy we’re familiar with, “masculine authority” was used to rule Pontus and its “sissy” male inhabitants were not “real men.” Reversing anatomy does not in fact reverse gender role because gender is not the same as sex; in Pontus, women functioned as men only so long as “real men” were not present, while men functioned as women until they were replaced by abusive psychopaths wielding weapons who suffer from what Kathleen Barry calls “blinding macho” socialization.

In this way, The Warrior’s Husband is a useful parable explaining the contemporary BDSM community’s shared delusion. Although the community’s sycophants like to tout their “diversity,” most organized elements of “The Scene” essentially recreate Pontus by equating performances of masculinity with domination and performances of femininity with submission. In The Scene, things are only cursorily more complex since dominance is privileged while submission is devalued regardless of one’s genitalia.

While there is certainly space for gender role-reversal within BDSM, by ignorantly supplanting the overculture’s (man/woman) gender binary with their own (dominant/submissive) power binary, BDSM’ers sabotage the possibility for creative expression within their scenes and undercut whatever credibility they wish to claim on the matter.



Katharine Hepburn as Amazon warrior princess Antiope & Colin Keith-Johnston as Theseus in stage production of The Warrior's Husband (1932) (via corbis)

[ Posted Sat, 14 May 2011 20:19:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white

Lightly blindfolded and holding the handle of a flogger in hir mouth, a trans-male bottom is beaten by an enthusiastic top.

This photograph is part of a set in an album called Kinky Tea Party, although it arrived with a note titled “Reverse-tea scene,” which is perhaps a more accurate name. The set has numerous fantastic images, and I couldn’t easily decide which to feature here. Ultimately, I felt drawn to the emotional and physical exposure in this one; both models are emotive and, despite the violent symbolism inherent in the sadomasochistic act, neither model embodies violence.

That said, I’d be remiss not to point you at the other photographs in the set I think are particularly beautiful, especially because they reveal a wider, even more fascinating context to the photo shoot, which Sadie, who contributed this image, explained:

I am Sadie, the grinning trans-womyn in the photos. My partner, the GQ [genderqueer] trans-male identified play-thing in the photos is Tanner Fierce. The femme GQ photographer is my dear friend Milo Ampersand.

The premise for this shoot was that there is an intentional and awkward disconnect between polite society and the sexual reality of all human interactions. Milo arranged a half-dozen of hir friends to have a well-dressed tea-party. Tanner and I had a flogging scene in their midst, and the party-goers were dis-allowed from looking at or acknowledging our presence in any way, as they sipped tea and spoke in faux British accents of the weather and local politics.

What was especially exciting about this scene was the tension between Tanner's physical submission, and the party-goers psychological submission. In particular, the man in the grey suit (who is one of Tanner's best friends) was exquisitely torn between the instruction to abstain from looking, and the irresistible desire to engage with the sexual reality of the space. This tension, and the power of dominating without any direct interaction was the primary appeal of the scene. The result was what I have come to think of as a reverse-tea scene, where everyone serves themselves tea, for one-domme's pleasure.

That. Is. Awesome.


[ Posted Sun, 20 Feb 2011 01:07:29 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, marks, photograph

A young man, gagged with ribbon, clutches at the white sheets he’s resting on.

This image of a “submissive boy with a rosary” was suggested by Emily Marigold. I like it in part for the obvious talent in the drawing, the signs of anguish, evinced by lacerations on the man’s shoulder and the smudged eyeliner, and the fact that he’s wearing eyeliner in the first place. And, yes, I also like seeing the broken rosary, since it offers a narrative hook to imagine him as someone religiously persecuted—a martyr.

Martyrdom is a common narrative among BDSM players; “I’ll take it for you.” Certainly sexy, but many utilize the script to abdicate personal agency; rarely do these bottoms remember the more important words: “I want to take it for you.” As Dr. Staci Newmahr writes, “Martyrdom bottoming does not rely on the ultimate denial of pleasure, but in adherence to a martyr script.”

It’s unfair to levy blame on the bottoms who display such unthinking loyalty to this cultural script, though, especially the men. Other than martyrdom, common characterizations of men bottoming rely on archetypal feminization, whether implicitly (the meme of submissive men doing housework is a particularly sexist example) or explicitly (“sissified sissy maids who insist on talking about their sissy clitty”). These are obviously problematic formulations for any masculine-of-center individuals, not just men.

This may explain why I’ve seen what’s become a predictable uptick in suggestions to this site featuring Saint Sebastian, perhaps the most famous Christian martyr save Jesus himself. It’s not the abundance of the martyrdom script I find frustrating, but rather its omnipresence. This ubiquity has real (and, to me, troubling) consequences; as Dr. Newmahr points out, “A self-identified male top who sometimes bottoms, for example, is more likely to claim identity as a top than as a switch. A woman with the same inclinations is likelier…to consider herself a switch.” (See Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy, p. 109, ¶2.)

In other words, this goes some distance towards explaining that “the number problem"—the assertion that there are simply not as many dominant women as there are dominant men—is an unfortunate cultural construction.


Attribution update: This piece is called Imprisoned and was created by feimo, originally published on DeviantArt.

[ Posted Fri, 18 Feb 2011 01:33:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, marks, solo

Facing away from the camera while on all fours, a bald, naked man presents his ass to be caned by a woman smiling into the camera. She wears a T-shirt, jeans, and multi-colored socks.

This photo was brought to my attention by Molly Ren, who simply wrote, “This photo sums up everything that Male Submission Art is about.” Well, perhaps at first. What Male Submission Art is about these days, however, is less the images and much more the wonderful responses to them. Thankfully, here, too, this image provides a fantastic showcase. To wit, here’s one thread of commentary this picture has received online:


I love it too!  I have my domme moments, so far just in my head, but I think, geez, I need a new wardrobe before I can try any of this.  Maybe not.  Love her impish look, too—another encouraging sign, because I know I don't have a bitch goddess in me.


I adore this pic.  She is cute, she is smiling, and she holds a cane.  I wish there were more D/s images where the Domme is not dressed in stereotypical atire (not that there's anything wrong with that once in a while).  This pic gives me hope that the cute, unassuming, woman at work or at the cafe is in reality a pervy Domme who might want me to crawl around for her. 



Awwwa, look at the cute redheaded domme in comfy clothes preparing to cane her yummy bald fucktoy…

sigh of contentment.

This picture makes me so many kinds of happy. It reminds me of the one time a sub told me that I cannot possibly go about dominatrixing in my cute striped socks. Why yes, sweetheart, I think I can. (Not him, though. He got dumped.)

The BDSM community ghetto, which I argue has been a largely self-imposed social stricture of internalized exclusion, does seem to be betraying its frailty. I am at once unspeakably proud and enormously humbled to recognize whatever small part I’ve had in tearing down these walls.


[ Posted Wed, 26 Jan 2011 02:17:55 ]

Tagged with: photograph

On March 22, I’ll be speaking at The CSPH. Here’s the presentation title and description I just confirmed:

Remaking Male Submission: Confronting sexism in BDSM

Oscar Wilde once said, “Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this interactive seminar and slideshow, we’ll examine the nature of sex and power by exploring common cultural depictions of sexually dominant women, and especially submissive men. Join maymay, a sexually submissive man himself and curator of the crowd-sourced erotic photography blog, to tackle deeply-held beliefs about gender and challenge assumptions about “kinky” sex. Just how prevalent, or lacking, is imagery of submissive men? Further, does the existing imagery really offer an alternative to mainstream sexual stereotyping, or does it actually serve to reify the—pun intended—dominant paradigm of male power? Is the public BDSM subculture a haven of free expression, or simply another cage of rigid gender roles dressed up (often literally) in different clothes?

If you’re in or around the Providence, Rhode Island area in March, please come out to this event. :) If not, please spread the word.

A man rests naked in a fetal position, one foot cozily curled around the other, laying on the legs of his partner.

This is an adorable image, provided by T-anon, who had the following explanation for it:

This is a photo I took of my partner just after a rather fun bout of BDSM. Once I had untied him from the bedpost he curled into my thigh, shuddering and moaning that he loved me. I just about exploded with the rush of adoration. He was so beautiful in that position with the ruddy marks from my nails across his back, the blindfold and the medical restraints still tied to him. I simply had to take a photo.

It has since become a mutual favourite, commemorating our love and our trust. We thought it was worth putting on this site as a way of supporting safe and healthy sex along with the beauty that is submissive men.

Ordinarily, I try to have something especially witty or insightful to say when I post here. In this case, however, I feel adding too much of my own would merely be a shadow to the literal and emotional light emanating from this photograph.

I am sincerely thankful to T-anon and their partner for sharing a moment of such evident love with me, and I am sincerely grateful to have the privilege of sharing it more widely with others in the world we all share.


[ Posted Wed, 22 Dec 2010 22:26:43 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize

This image was submitted by Jason C. Woodson, who’s also its creator. The artwork is part of a series called Bound (You Felons On Trial). I’ll leave analysis of the image itself in Jason’s words alone:

Bound (You Felons On Trial) was created in response to the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008, a bill introduced [in Britain] to ban extreme forms of pornography. In an article published on the Index for Censorship website, lawyer John Lovatt advised that There are many books it would be safer to mutilate—or destroy altogether.

The idea of consenting adults burning books in their backyards to avoid an intrusive State was alarming to me. As a gay artist whose work is often sexual in nature and could be seen by some as of an obscene character as described under Section 63 of the Act, I was reminded of a poem by Walt Whitman. Entitled You Felons on Trial, it asks, Who am I too that I am not on trial or in prison?

Many classes of people, such as the BDSM community, will be affected by this legislation. That’s why I chose to photograph a male nude in a BDSM act. The images are defaced but hidden inside them run lines from Whitman’s work, ending with the last line of the poem: And henceforth I will not deny them—for how can I deny myself?

I’ve discussed §63 before. At best misguided and at worst malicious, the law criminalizes possession of sexual depictions the State finds objectionable. It is not hyperbole to explain that under this legislation, you are subject to pain of criminal prosecution even if someone else sends you the objectionable material.

Laws like this, frequently lobbied for by pro-censorship groups euphemistically calling themselves anti-pornography feminists (or, more frighteningly, anti-trafficking), are a clear and present danger to the citizenry—to you. They represent a (barely) pseudo-fascist moralism borne of the same virulent disease as rampant nationalism or religious doctrine, and corrupt the humanity of government with a two-faced appeal to an individual’s most humane ability: empathy. A form of security theater, it takes advantage of a demanding and ignorant public by using the lowest common denominator of reason and behavior to craft law and policy—but the lowest common denominator does not make for sound law.

Sexuality is a frequent scapegoat in attempts to justify power-grabbing laws, and you need to be concerned about that regardless of your sexuality or place of residence. Australia has recently seen the creation of a literal secret government Internet blacklist whose scope, according to the Sydney Morning Herald, “had been rapidly expanded from child porn to other material including political discussions.” Since it’s all on one list, I guess the Australian government considers child pornography and political discussion to be the same thing.

Americans enjoy precious First Amendment protection, but the anti-porn pseudo-fascist moralists are batting for the same pro-censorship team as the RIAA, who have recently introduced the Combating Online Infringement and Counterfeits Act (COICA). A copy-cat law, COICA would mandate government-decreed Internet censorship of any site found to be infringing record and movie industry copyrights. Since copyright infringement is a relatively unpopular cause, mark my words: child porn will be a future excuse.


[ Posted Sun, 28 Nov 2010 23:59:51 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

Search for pictures of men being submissive, and you end up seeing pictures of women being dominant.

Changing that simple fact was what Male Submission Art sought to address. In this 20 minute audio clip, recorded way back in April of 2009, I talk a bit about the current media landscape with regards to representations of submissive masculinity, which should be interesting listening if you come here “for the articles.”

And on that note, you might also particularly enjoy Issue 7 of Filament Magazine.

[ Posted Sat, 27 Nov 2010 05:00:21 ]

Embed code:

Tagged with: tumblrize

A man’s back bears raised red marks that spell out the words, “I LOVE YOU.”

This photograph was submitted anonymously but arrived with a heartwarming note attached. So heartwarming, in fact, that despite my own current solitude I audibly responded to myself reading it:

I’ve had a rough few weeks. A series of setbacks in my career and social life have made me feel very isolated and alone. In a moment of weakness, I asked my Girlfriend to show me that I am needed, that I am worth something to someone.

This was her answer.

It couldn't have been more perfect. Her willingness to mark me proves her ownership of me. Her authority and acceptance of me as her property makes me worthwhile.

I love you בעלה.

For the monolingual, בעלה is the Hebrew word for “Mistress,” which is relevant because it gives her two roles: Girlfriend, and בעלה. Far from unusual, many relationships between two people have more than two roles. The monolith of “husband” and “wife,” or “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” or even simply “partner,” is a dramatic oversimplification, one that too often obscures relationships like “supporter,” “sounding board,” “buddy,” or even “cheerleader,” all of which and more are crucial for relationships to thrive.

Further, this is not an unusual concept, or even one the mainstream rejects. Yet its application to the realm of relationship choice is bizarrely downright taboo. I’m reminded of a recent email chain letter I received the other day, which read, in part:

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.


It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it’s wrapped up in several.
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs…

Lots of people are so ready to accept the need for many friends. Why are they so eager to demonize the need for many loves, as a new Canadian law set to criminalize multi-partnered relationships with jail time up to 5 years seems to do? Similarly, many people readily accept that different people’s ideas of worth are different, often citing “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” but then turn right around and decry BDSM’ers notions of what makes us feel worthy of love.

When it comes to self-worth, love is not different than friendship. Both must play by the same rules: yours.


Update (Dec. 27, 2010): Apparently someone thinks this post is anti-Semitic because I got the translation wrong. They say the Hebrew word doesn’t mean “Mistress,” but rather “Husband.” What they may not have realized is that I looked the word up in the dictionary (as they’d have seen if they bothered to look at the link the word points to, so even if I’m wrong about its meaning, I’m not a primary source) and that I’m Jewish. Further, while I’m no longer fluent in it, Hebrew was my first language. It seems I’m not the only one who may be jumping to conclusions based on incomplete information.

[ Posted Tue, 23 Nov 2010 17:39:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, marks, photograph, solo

One man licks the stomach of another whose hands remain at his sides, near the back of unbuttoned jeans slipping down his hips.

The anonymous contributor who suggested this photograph offered a delightfully unexpected interpretation:

Despite the men not being my 'type', I find myself coming back to this photo again and again. I think it's because the man whose face you can see seems like the top to me—there's a stillness to the other man, with his hands on the backs of his thighs, like he was told not to move or touch and had to hold onto himself to make sure he didn't do either. The look on the other man's face is also beautiful to me; he might be looking up (usually a submissive position in most porn) but he seems fierce and watchful.

It’s interesting to note that “watchful” can accurately describe both so-called submissive and dominant behavior. Can “fierce”? I think so; the man on the right has what appears to be a scar on his side, and if that man is the submissive partner, then of the two, his body is showing more grit.

Reversing assumptions is a precious skill; compassion and empathy are circumscribed without it. Although I first assumed submissiveness in the man whose face we can see because of the way he is licking the other model, once I understood the alternative possibility, I noticed that the man doing the licking is the active partner here. And, as our anonymous contributor correctly states, since the man doing the licking is in the stereotypically submissive position, if he is the submissive partner, then it’s his activeness itself that queers this image.

So much for a simple narrative.


[ Posted Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:08:09 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, homosexual, photograph

In the glow of sunlight, a shirtless man on his back locks eyes with his clothed partner looking down at him.

Dylan sent in this photograph with the following note:

This is a photo of myself and my partner Cedar. A friend shot a series of photos for us on a winter morning in Cedar’s bedroom. I love the look on his face as he looks up at me: honest, willing, open, attentive and very turned on.

I am a genderqueer boy (ftm), and Cedar is cisgender. The degree to which C.’s being came through in the photos is remarkable to me—his expressiveness was encouraged, not restricted, by the presence of the camera.

While I presume a power dynamic was palpable for Dylan or Cedar in the moment, it’s extremely subtle for me as a viewer. Nevertheless, it’s there, in Cedar’s splayed arms, in his nakedness contrasted with Dylan’s being clothed, in their eyes and, especially, in their mouths. Even from this angle, Dylan’s lips seem sharp and piercing while Cedar’s seem flush and parting. (Also, wow, he has pretty lips.)

So the camera, as useful and remarkable a tool as it is, has its limits, because the photograph alone is extremely soft spoken about Cedar’s submissive stance here. That’s where Dylan’s note comes in: realizing Dylan is genderqueer adds a whole new layer of implication on an already somewhat ambiguously gendered photograph. Now we also see Dylan’s travel, begun where the hegemony says sexual power cannot exist—the female and the feminine—and ending in a place of sexual domination, which the hegemony says only men can obtain. Cedar’s submission, in that light, is all the more transgressive—and all the more accepting.

Thanks for sharing this with us.


[ Posted Sun, 07 Nov 2010 20:37:32 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

Kneeling naked on the floor, a muscular man whose wrists and ankles are shackled bows his head.

This old photograph was suggested by Olga. One of the first things that I noticed were the man’s shackles and the fact that they were broken. What would perhaps imply resistance in a different context seems to accentuate acceptance and submission in this one.

Olga’s observations focused on the model himself, and are incredibly detailed:

There are two things that enchant me most in this photo. First, the lines of the figure: the perfectly round curve from neck to waist, another perfectly round curve of buttocks, smooth thighs, and then all the rest of the muscles. There’s a lot of attention paid to the female body in our culture, but I find the male body as enticing in all its living, breathing harmony, and this picture is a brilliant example.

Second, the pose. Of course, this kneeling pose with the curved back holds my eye: this is what I like to see as a dominant woman. This strong, big man, in a submissive pose, is a beautiful sight[…]. But the most enticing detail of this pose is the way his hands are turned palms up. He doesn’t lean on them, and it adds a lot of tension in the pose he holds. He offers them open and defenseless. I can’t help but think about what can be done with his hands, how they can be put to use in service, or how they can be tortured. His hands are his gift of service, as is his entire body and his entire self.

Curating imagery like this has taught me a lot, mostly because many of the images people suggest offer fascinating insights into their relationship with power, and especially how it interrelates with their understanding of gender. Here, Olga’s description clearly shows that other people’s dogmatic interpretations of what is or is not submissive, what is or is not dominant, and especially what is or is not manly, have no power over one’s own sexual desires unless one lets them. And frankly, yes, as a submissive man, I no longer see any reason to let anyone else dictate my sexuality to me.


[ Posted Thu, 30 Sep 2010 00:02:05 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph, solo

A naked man stands before a clothed woman, holding her sides gently as she squeezes his ass with her hands and presses herself against him.

This photograph was suggested by Ranai, whose description I can only describe as incredibly sexy:

I admire the self-control it takes to be a submissive lover. To be alert for instructions, to listen to what the other wants in the throes of passion, and transform it into action. To keep going, and going, or change pace at a moment’s notice. To open up and offer one’s body to something painful or uncomfortable, when there’s a conflicting instinct to curl up and protect oneself. To be gentle even while the other is being rough, and to give it hard and fast when hard and fast is called for.

The picture tells a story of deliberately chosen inequality in action. She already digs her nails into his backside with abandon, enjoying it when she feels him flinch. He still touches her only lightly, as he has not yet been told to do more.

I love seeing the beautiful hair on this man’s legs and arms. I hope he has a hairy chest too. Hair, for me, is a joy to see and touch: it’s one aspect of my own physical preferences.

Ranai makes me wish I was better at emotive writing, however my skill lies in analytics and as such I often feel ill-equipped to discuss the emotionality of such pictures. Thankfully, Ranai perfectly describes not only the challenge but also the essential drive of submissive sexuality, for me: to open up when there’s a conflicting instinct to curl, to be gentle when confronted with force, and to treat others not as I would be treated but as they would have me treat them.

But to limit such things to sex play seems ludicrously wasteful, and one need not look hard to see applications of this in all sorts of places. This is unsurprising, as sexuality is ultimately a language, full of idioms and expressions, along with awkward moments of miscommunication when we’re still learning.

Anyway, Ranai also offered this really encouraging note:

P.S. Hi maymay, I’m seeing more and more Male Submission Art pictures used by people as journal icons and discussion forum avatars. This is a pleasant change in the making. Yay!

Yes, very much yay! I’ve been noticing this, too. I actually think this is incredibly important, because it begins to inch towards more equitable representation of men and women in the media, both social media and, hopefully one day, mainstream media.


Attribution update: I received a very nice note from the photographer of this image, Michael Berkowitz:

I'm happy to see people finding my work of interest and I appreciate the exposure…. Also, it's good to see your site and what images you have in your archive, what your audience wants to see. I can try to include more of that type of image when I'm shooting. Also, to those who like my style and are in the NYC area, I am available for commissions. Thanks.

Michael can also be found as mjbw39 on


Sometimes in my excitement and eagerness to take all of your body, offered so deliciously and temptingly, I pinch and squeeze, aroughness born of hunger.

Never for a second allow this to fool you into thinking you have similar license. UnlessI tell you I want it rough you better handle me like hand-woven silk, else you will regret it. Touch me gently or I'll not let you touch me at all.

[ Posted Wed, 29 Sep 2010 01:58:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

Bound with rope at the wrists and ankles, a naked man lays limp in the arms of a larger woman who holds him by his waist and collar high above her head.

Here’s a captivating image, suggested by Pimmie, who wrote:

I have a picture for you by the Dutch photographer Erwin Olaf called Powerlifting.

I love the little details in this artwork, like the placing of the woman’s hands. She holds the man’s weight up on two very vulnerable spots on his body. Her dominance speaks from the look on her face alone. And I love her body shape in this context; a powerful stance on delicate shoes. [I love t]he surrender in the man’s pose.

The overall impression of this picture, for me, is of a woman showing her prey or catch.

"Surrender" is so often linked with failure or loss, things that are in turn associated with negative connotations of "submission." But surrender is also, and simply, the cessation of resistance. It can be an act of acceptance or an embrace; not a failure to assert, but an action motivated by the desire to explore or, sometimes, to relax.

Compositionally, I’m conflicted about posting this image here because the subject is ambiguous; is the photo more about her, or him? Ultimately, of course, they both contribute to it. Interestingly, according to Wikipedia, one of [Erwin Olaf’s] early photographs was once expelled from a show on the basis of not containing nudity. Clearly, any criteria may always cut both ways.


[ Posted Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:20:50 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph

A naked man tied in full-body natural-colored hemp rope bondage lays among an assortment of earth-toned and red pillows.

I’m mildly colorblind and so images that use color as a primary means of expression are often difficult for me to understand or wholly appreciate. However, I enjoy this photograph because this man’s beard is colored similarly to my own, and while he seems to be shaven near his genitals I imagine the redness of his beard still reflects his natural coloring. My bright red pubic hair is the lightest hair on my body. Maybe that’s meaningful.

It’s so, so hard for me to look at pictures like this these days. They make me crave what I see and, like magic, they seem somehow possible for others and just out of my reach. That hurts so much. I wish I were a poet so I wouldn’t have to use so many words to describe how I feel.

Maybe I’ll just use less words and more trust from now on. All I’ve got left is hope.



[ Posted Sat, 28 Aug 2010 13:53:17 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph, solo

A large man smiles in obvious delight, enjoying the sensation of two clothespins on his nipples.

Peter suggested this awesome photograph, and wrote:

On the rare occasions that a submissive male is portrayed, he is usually depicted as skinny, young, effeminate and shy. I love this picture because it does not fit in any of those clichés.

I would add only one more cliché, perhaps the most important of all: that submission is portrayed as something undesired and undesireable. That cliché is the most insulting, dangerous, and untrue of all.

Submission is freedom, and can be healing if you let it be. It’s okay to want permission to be what, who, and how you are, connected with another or with yourself by a resonance of your own making. Like a tuning fork, loud and insistent but audible only once grounded with a force that you embrace.

It’s okay to want such permission, even if you don’t need it. Because, actually, you don’t need permission from anyone but yourself.


[ Posted Thu, 26 Aug 2010 01:12:58 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

A British Prime Minister kneels to kiss the hand of the Queen of England.

When I first looked at this picture that Faelyn suggested, I didn’t really know what to make of it. I mean, from my irreverent perspective, the stuffy British government isn’t exactly good wank material. But context is important, and the note Faelyn sent along with the image is gripping:

On the surface, the femdom het aspect of things is pretty obvious. It goes deeper than mere appearances, though.

Arguably the most important relationship arc in The Queen is between the fictionalized characters of Tony Blair and Elizabeth II. The story begins with his election as a young and charming Prime Minister in the mid-90s. She's unimpressed with his newer, touchy-feely approach to governance. He's thrown off by the formalities of his position: he thinks of himself as an elected politician, and has to adjust to the idea that officially/symbolically he serves her.

There's a magnificent scene early on where he learns to kneel to her and, rather than declaring himself PM or asking for it, wait for her to grant him the right to run what is officially her government. It's uncomfortable and they both leave as soon as possible. As the story progresses, however, he comes to really want to serve her, and she learns to accept his service. The second kneeling scene is a thing of beauty—she's upset, he's conciliatory—and afterward they stay together to talk, having created a bond.

I spend a lot of time looking for crypto-femdom het relationships in media and this is by far one of my favorites (with Daniel Craig as Bond/Judy Dench as M coming in a close second…).

Narratives like this are everywhere, not because they are inherently part of the act, but because you—the viewer—imbue the act with your narrative. Wherever you go, you’ll see mirrors of your most authentic feelings. The tragedy is that you are so often told not to embrace them.

Faelyn also sent a kind note, for which I am very grateful:

Thank you so much for your web presence! This site and your blog have been an enormous help to me as I've been figuring out the nature of my own desires and trying to handle them ethically/sensibly.

Thanks, Faelyn. That really does mean a lot.


[ Posted Sun, 08 Aug 2010 00:04:52 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, narrative

A shirtless man manually pleasures a naked woman as she scratches his back, raising long, red marks from his waist to his shoulders.

I like this image for so many reasons. Both his clear efforts to pleasure her and her openness to that (physically and otherwise), as well as her casual sadism scratching his back leap to mind. His partially dressed state, still wearing jeans, just amplifies the attractive disparity of her pleasure and his pain.

Of course, this image—like so many others—could easily be re-contextualized differently, and seen as an (unwanted) sexual brawl. Even without changing the image itself, changing the context changes the message, distorting original intent. Herein lies the danger of relying on promise or premise, rather than policy.

Last year, I wrote about the passage of Britain’s foolhardy ban of “extreme” images, Section 63 of the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008, a law that all but guaranteed misuse because of its broad drafting. Although the government assured Parliament that §63 was intended for cases where someone’s extreme porn habit raised serious cause for concern, this promise has already been broken multiple times. As Heresy Corner recounts:

Campaigners against §63 feared, not only that it would target consumers of consensual fetish porn, but that it was wide open to abuse. That it would give the police a handy weapon to use against anyone who comes to their attention, for whatever reason, and who just happens to have dodgy material on their mobile phone or computer. … This seems to be what happened to [two men, Andrew Holland and Michael Nelson].

The law was pushed through the legislature after a Mr. Coutt murdered a young girl and by way of explanation cited his “addiction” to pornography. But despite the fact that neither Holland or Nelson had any demonstrable “addiction” to pornography, they now have criminal records merely for possessing an image others deem obscene.

Meanwhile, in America, although the government can criminally prosecute many individuals under 2257 record keeping requirements, it “promised” not to. But with American anti-pornography groups drum-banging ever louder, how long do you think that promise will last? As Melissa Ditmore, Ph.D. says, “Sex law is often a front for ideology that constrains rather than liberates….”






(via poisoncrazylush)

[ Posted Sat, 07 Aug 2010 04:23:34 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, marks

A clothed man is bound to a heavy chair with long locks of hair, his wrists pulled to the chair’s armrests and his ankles spread at the chair’s legs.

This unlikely image was sent in by Ashitaka, who had this to say:

I grabbed this frame from the trailer of an upcoming Disney movie titled, “Tangled.” This scene made me squirm in my seat. In it, the heroine uses her unusually long hair to bind the hero to a chair against his will. I’m sure Disney will claim that there is nothing inherently erotic about a scene in which a strapping hunk is restrained helplessly and forced to submit to a beautiful princess, but we all know better than that. This trailer reminds me of my fantasies of other Disney characters when I was a kid. Oh Ariel, you were so much sexier with legs….

Disney’s re-imagining of Rapunzel, on which Tangled is based, could certainly be interesting. The increasingly common notion of feminine protagonists who possess strength enough to overpower male leads is a welcome change from previous generations of Disney flicks in which women were largely helpless unless they, themselves, were villains. This fact has major implications for the future.

Recently, Ranat wrote:

I grew up on a lot of Disney movies. A lot. And me being the little unsuspecting sadist and dominant I was, you can probably guess which were my favorite parts. Yes, in Disney movies. […] Even though I've been aware of a lot of this my entire life, it was kind of shocking to add it all up. It's been a surprising antidote for my residual sexual shame, because, dude, if I was three and getting off on this stuff, I ain't corrupted.

As Ranat points out, imagery like this can offer people, including children, a healthy sexual self-affirmation. It’s not the case that children view this material as inherently sexual, but it’s also not the case that the material can be inherently sexual or not. The “sexual nature” of an image is itself subjective, following the same rules as the distinctions for beauty.

Any perceived dangers of an image like this has nothing to do with this image and everything to do with the context that it’s presented in. Change the context, and you can change the nature of the image without touching the picture itself. Concerns over sexualization frequently lack context grounded in reality, speciously suggesting that censorship is the only “appropriate” course of action.


[ Posted Fri, 30 Jul 2010 03:46:11 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, solo

A young man is pressed against a wall by a larger man, who holds the smaller man’s head near his own.

This gripping photograph is from the Model Mayhem portfolio of Eri Nicholas Vohnson, and was suggested by ohmyfckity, who had this to say:

I came across this picture tonight and just had to share. I love how the younger male is utterly enjoying the dominating older man. There is no fear in his expression and he’s so willing.

This picture took my breath away because the juxtaposition of forcefulness with willingness is searingly sexy. I also like that, in a clearly dramatized scene, both models are wearing very plain clothing. Further, the androgynous look of the smaller man adds several dimensions of power to the narrative, including gender, age, and culture.

Finally, the shorter man’s untroubled expression is particularly interesting in contrast to the taller man’s aggressive stance. Coupled with his queered gender presentation, the image challenges a culture that indoctrinates many people—including men—with the belief that male lust is dangerous, and uncontrollable. Interestingly, homophobic men, like Mark Schwartz, Republican Senator Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, are arguably the group most afraid of male sexuality. According to Mark Schwartz:

Pornography is a blight. […It’s] my observation that boys…have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that's because they don't want to be that way. They don't want to fall into it. […] All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.

Ignoring for a moment this statement’s supreme stupidity with regards to pornography, Schwartz’s internalized homophobia can be logically explained. As Figleaf points out:

It seems to me that if you're sold on that view of men then homophobia is a twisted but logical outcome. Because if you're raised to believe that you literally can't resist sexual temptation of any sort but you’re not actually sexually oriented towards other men […] it makes sense that you'd be wildly intolerant of gay men. […If] one believes men are ravenously, uncontrollably sexually impulsive then one must live in mortal paranoia that not only might one inadvertently receive an aggressive sexual advance not only from perceptibly ...homosexual“ men (who are falsely presumed to be sexually interested in any possible opportunity for sex with any possible man) but equally uncontrollable straight men for whom, after all, must also believe “a hole is a hole.”

Put another way, the shorter man’s androgynous look allows homophobes to more easily view him as “less than” manly. They define masculine sexuality so narrowly, both his appearance and his serenity in this situation breaks the mold.

As for Schwartz, well, one does wonder if his hands are afraid of his penis since, by his logic, masturbation must be the most homosexual act of all.


[ Posted Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:02:03 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, homosexual, narrative

Two men, each wearing collars, one naked save for a chest rope harness, the other in briefs, hold themselves against a wall with their hands above their heads. A woman stands between them, holding each possessively.

This picture was suggested by Halo, shown in the center of this image. Halo’s account of the scene this photograph’s from is quite absorbing. Thanks to everyone involved for sharing your experience with us.

This is a photo (from left to right) of Jack, Halo [myself] and Chris, taken by our friend Smalls (rope work also by Smalls). They’ve all granted permission for this photo to be shared.

I’ve chosen to share it because it captures submission as an act of strength, tenderness, and trust. Chris is butch, straight, and adheres to a patriarchal definition of masculinity: as a former Korean soldier, he’s been raised in a very conservative environment. Because of this, he was quite homophobic, but he trusted me enough as his Domme to participate in a scene side by side with Jack, a queer man with long hair, lovely curves, and a handsome red beard—a man who Chris had seen sucking cock earlier in the evening.

Chris wasn’t happy about being next to Jack and had told me so, but he knew it pleased me to play with both of them and so was willing to take part. He clenched every muscle that he could and bore the scene in silence.

I commanded both men to put their hands against the wall, then began spanking and flogging them until Jack was sweating, moaning, and crying out. Chris merely tightened up and took it. Afterwards, to show them how pleased I was with both of them, I covered them with red lipstick kisses.

The next morning, while I cooked breakfast, a shirtless Chris happily chatted with Jack. “Do you want to see how many push-ups I can do?” Chris asked. “Usually I do 500.” He knelt before Jack and began doing push-ups with perfect form until his breath came in pants and a sheen of sweat built up on his skin.

Although Chris and I no longer play, we learned a lot from each other.

As Halo’s story shows, trust is a prerequisite not only for good sex, but for learning; trust in oneself and in one’s partner to feel safe enough to do something potentially uncomfortable, but moreover trust that you have something to gain from it. That’s what’s so obviously lacking from those who willfully fail to acknowledge the validity of consensual sexual behavior.

I also think it’s quite telling to hear about Chris’s stoicism during his in-scene discomfort in contrast to Jack’s expressiveness, and how Chris’s stonewalling (no pun intended) seems to have dissipated the next morning, perhaps along with some of his homophobia.


[ Posted Wed, 09 Jun 2010 00:02:21 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

Two men embrace outdoors, one who’s shirtless and presents masculinely kneeling in front of the other, who’s dressed femininely.

This photograph was suggested by, but it’s the context that makes the image truly interesting:

Both the people in this photo are men and male-indentified. I think a tender, beautiful representation of the truth that masculinity and femininity are not only tied to sex, but are also not tied to dominance and submission. The kink community likes to act as if a man putting on heels or lipstick makes him submissive and humiliated (think of sissies or forced-fem), as if wearing lipstick and heels is something to be ashamed of, something that makes you weak. I see both people represented here as very strong.

This image would be very different if the man with the long hair (Izzy Hilton) was kneeling at Kris Kidd’s feet—that would tie femininity to submissiveness. Instead, the image is of masculinity submitting regardless of gender, regardless of cultural concepts of weakness and strength, but out of a desire to be nurtured and cared for, since this picture also does not seem expressly sexual. He looks almost childlike, like the way the top is cradling his head is soothing him.

I deeply appreciate that “safeword” sees both men in this image “as very strong” because it acknowledges how submission can engender power. Tangentially, I take issue with the use of the phrase “the kink community” because, as used in this context, I’d argue it misconstrues kink to equal BDSM when, in fact, it does not. With that said, I like the rest of “safeword“‘s analysis of this picture, and I agree wholeheartedly.

The commentary on diverse masculinity is particularly apt as a recent Gallup poll revealed that for the first time, the percentage of Americans who perceive ‘gay and lesbian relations’ as morally acceptable has crossed the 50 percent mark. The most interesting part of the survey results is the fact that the numbers were punctuated by a dramatic change in attitudes among younger men aged 18 to 49, whose acceptance of gays rose by a stunning 48% in the last four years. This, to me, proves the value in being visibly proud of who you are.


[ Posted Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:08:44 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, homosexual, photograph

A pale-skinned man with striking blue eyes looks up at the camera, holding himself above the space between two walls. He’s dressed in a black leather buckling chest harness.

This photograph was (most recently) suggested by Allie Coquelicot, who wrote:

This is one of the first images I saw of a submissive man, about two years ago now. It immediately struck a chord with me. I wasn’t sure at first why I desired this man so much, but over the years it has become much clearer that BDSM is an integral part of my life.

His position, the intensity of his gaze and the outdoor setting makes this a really stunning photograph. […] It’s an image which I feels portrays a beautiful, sexy submissive man. I now want him peering up at me with those expectant—perhaps slightly fearful—eyes.

Oddly, I like the man’s relatively plain earring most of all, since this image doesn’t impress much else on me. I may simply be too strongly averse to the stereotype of BDSM and leathers (a fact too many BDSM’ers think is “ironic,” which is a sign of their ignorance more than anything else). Nevertheless, I do find the fact that the picture was a formative catalyst for Allie noteworthy precisely because it does little for me.

Of course, my aversion to the common presentation of submission is the entire basis for this website. My agenda is no less hidden: to showcase the diversity of submissive masculinity in the hopes of catalyzing authentic sexual awareness in others (and curating admirable beauty along the way). In a world where men are allowed to look at women, but women are not allowed to look at men, we have no hope of living sexually unencumbered. I aim for nothing less than sexual freedom, and neither need you.


[ Posted Mon, 07 Jun 2010 19:46:22 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

A naked man straddles the lap of a woman in her underwear as she leans in to kiss him.

This touching photograph was suggested by amantes-amentes. It is, as amantes notes, very sensuous:

This photo […] immediately struck me as beautiful. Most photos of lovers in this position have the woman in this man’s position. In this photo, the woman is cradling her lover delicately, protectively, and sensuously. I especially love that we can see her right hand on his back, and the way he is grasping her upper arm.

I often feel a sense of guardianship and protection over the men with whom I have any sort of relationship, but especially with my sexual partners, and I think this embodies that aspect of the dominant-submissive relationship. (Not that submissive men need protection, of course! Just a personal inclination!)

The position of the models is particularly arresting because it’s one in which, perhaps due to their genders, a brief glance can give you the wrong impression, whereas a closer look will reveal details painting a very different picture. For instance, without even diving into the power implications, the slight angle at which the man is leaning back, not forward, the fact that the woman is still wearing her bra, and the arrangement of her arms as though they are enveloping his body all indicate tenderness, not aggression. Wait…tenderness? In porn?

Many who spout sex-negativity eagerly lump all pornography together into one (censored) pile with outrageous claims like viewing pornography creates rapists, but the variability in reality refutes this conflation. Of course, far be it from anti-porn activists and “researchers” like Dr. Gail Dines, Founder and Board Director of Stop Porn Culture, to let mere reality stop their crusade.

Dines and her organization are convening in Boston on June 12th for an upsetting conference called Feminists Against Pornography (aka. FAP; seriously, “FAP”). Headlining at the conference is character assassin and University of Rhode Island Women’s Studies professor, Donna M. Hughes, a well-known right-wing wingnut most famous for her Coalition Against Pleasure and Health, responsible for delaying Megan Andelloux’s non-profit sex education Center from opening for half a year.

While I’m thrilled to see the Internet abuzz with people discussing the merits and demerits of pornography, I feel much of that discussion misses the point. Both Stop Porn Culture and the Feminists Against Pornography conference are red herrings. To borrow from Jessica Valenti, their tactics are part of a larger conservative move to woo women by appropriating feminist language. […C]onservatives are trying to sell anti-women policies shrouded in pro-women rhetoric.

Thankfully, June 12th is the same day as the sex-positive, free KinkForAll Washington DC 2 unconference. As developmental psychology post-grad and researcher Jason G. Goldman put it, I will suggest that given the ubiquity of pornographic content available to children and adults, and given the ease at which it can be acquired, and given the high amount of sexual content in mainstream media (e.g. primetime TV), the people who are meeting in Boston next week to denounce pornography might redirect their efforts at improving the quality of sex education in our schools.


[ Posted Sat, 05 Jun 2010 23:38:43 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

A man strains against bonds as he lays naked on a padded table, while a casually dressed young woman holds his erect penis in one hand and a small plastic-looking tool between his legs with her other.

As others have mentioned, the most defining—and enjoyable—characteristic of this photograph is the woman’s attire: a blue, oversized “Abercrombie” sweater. His nakedness and frenetic energy is far more striking because of the contrast her nonchalant appearance provides. Couple this with the not merely unconcerned, but downright gleeful expression on her face and the strips of tape serving as a blindfold and gag on his face, and, well, I’m sold.

That being said, concluding that this man is necessarily in pain is a mistake. It’s more likely that she’s pleasuring him, not hurting him, because no matter its genre, the tired narrative in pornography is that men receive (physical) pleasure and women provide it—regardless of who’s touching who and how. What would, instead, be most compelling to me is if this scene was one in which an overabundance of sexual pleasure was itself the instrument of pain.

In so doing, and only thanks to the woman’s obvious blitheness, it could help redefine several porn “pleasure narratives” (if not its gender or power narratives). It would more clearly show pleasure’s true diversity, that joy is possible through pleasure, pain, or both, that both “receiving” and "giving" physical sensation can be pleasurable, and that the “giving” may be most satisfying for the “giver” when the act is performed on her terms. Therein lies the missing “last mile" of porn’s potential honesty.

As an aside, I’m pretty sure he’s not in pain because, what is that she’s holding, a toothbrush? (No, seriously, is it a toothbrush?)




I love this.  I love that he's properly tied down, and he's in real pain, and he's clenching his knees together but it won't do him any good.  I love that she's wearing a fucking hoodie and she's just delighted with herself.  Where is all the femdom like this?


(via fempower)

[ Posted Sat, 05 Jun 2010 18:29:26 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph

Laying on his stomach naked on a bed, a man with long hair strikes a pose tilting his head, while holding onto the footboard.

This photograph of drummer Brian Viglione was suggested by dardrian, who wrote:

I love this photograph of him. The arch of his back, his closed eyes, the way he has tilted his head, the fierce grip he has on the foot-board, all seem to indicate to me that he is waiting for something. Perhaps a smack, perhaps simply to be ravished.

There’s an austere yet sensual beauty in every part of this image, including the man, that I really enjoy. That, and the awesomely pervertible bed frame on which his hands could easily be bound. I think part of the intrigue this photograph provides is Brian’s own serenity; seems he would be equally comfortable being admired as he would being alone—and that confidence is what I find to be the sexiest thing about him in this photograph.


[ Posted Sat, 29 May 2010 02:33:03 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph, solo

Holding a bouquet of roses in his lap, a shirtless man is strapped to a vintage armchair and blindfolded.

This photograph is from a series called Decadence by Alberto Rugolotto, and was suggested by Aida. I like the iconoclastic mismatch of bondage and luxury in this image, and the ambiguity of the scene. Is he gifting those roses to someone, or are they intended to decorate him?

Sexuality has had a long and controversial relationship with luxury throughout history. Many see widespread self-indulgence as a symptom of societal decay, pointing to the apparent decadence of the Roman Empire as historical evidence. Fewer seem to critique austerity outright, as even the Victorians—those remarkable people who shunned pleasure to the point of boiling the nutrients out of their childrens’ food in order to achieve blandness—have many fans for many reasons even today.

Sex and sexual pleasure is contradictorily viewed as both a luxury and a necessity. Although the mainstream needlessly flip-flops on this according to the morality du jour, I think the paradoxical view is correct. Sexual self-expression is a human necessity (and a right); sex occupies both the base and higher levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Like good nutrition, fulfilling sex (at least with oneself) is required for health. Like gourmet food, fantastical sex might be a luxury, currently available only to those financially or emotionally wealthy enough to indulge in it. Seen in this light, the crusade against sexual freedom is revealed for what it is: systemic emotional starvation.


[ Posted Sun, 16 May 2010 14:02:06 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph

While wearing a head harness and a ball gag, a man rests his head in his partner’s hand.

This photograph was taken and suggested by Vode, who also sent this lovely description of the image:

I would like to share a picture I have made with my boyfriend. We both are into BDSM, he was a switch, I submissive. But he longed to be dominated and I liked the idea although I never dominated anyone before. But with him, it was like we were made for each other, and it went so easy. He loves it when I make him wear gags, it’s almost insta-submisson for him and you can see it from the look of his face.

This picture was taken when I wanted to have a little photoshoot and while taking pictures trying to dominate him a bit and let his submission shine through in his pictures. I think it did. I love this picture especially because of my hand holding his face and his facial expression. I hope you like it too.

I do like it, too. The delicateness with which his head is held, evident through the position and gentleness of the thumb, guides my eyes to his. This is in sharp contrast to what we often see in erotica, and I’ve written before about how distasteful I find porn that covers up mens’ faces to be, and how beautiful and joyous shamelessness can be.

Vode also wrote me an encouraging note:

Thank you for the website, it made me more attracted to male submission, and keep up the lovely work.

Particularly as it came from a self-described submissive, her note reminds me why exists: We cannot be what we cannot see.


[ Posted Sat, 15 May 2010 14:04:01 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

Chains wrap a young man’s wrists as he holds his hands together, bowing his head.

I love the way the lighting in this photograph almost seems to drape itself over the model’s hands and the chain around his wrists. The limited view we get lends itself to many possible narratives. Psychoadept, who sent this picture in, had this to say about the image:

Hard to tell what the subject is wearing, but it’s not hard to imagine he could be in a religious setting, maybe even a young monk. And yet there’s nothing explicitly religious about it, and it makes me think about how many parallels there are between sexual submission and religious “submission,” right down to the control of sexual urges and sexual behavior.

As this picture suggests, constraints often foster creativity. Strict rules of meter inspired some of the world’s most powerful poetry, just as Twitter’s 140-character rule made it a breeding ground for innovation. In an ideal world, I’d only face restrictions (religious or otherwise) I chose to challenge myself with. But in the real world, influence is too often sought via imposition or intimidation, turning constraints that could be opportunities if you were to choose them for yourself into obstacles because they were chosen for you.

Equally horrifying, I think, is the hypocrisy spawned by self-righteous sanctimony. It’s amusing (to say the least) that devout Catholics appear to be the group most easily stimulated by Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks to bandy baseless accusations of child molestation at me, especially when the media is afire with evidence of decades-long coverups by the Catholic Church of that exact crime. Just as the Catholic Church continues to conflate homosexuality with pedophilia, so-called prominent feminist Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks are conflating speaking about sex with child sex trafficking.

As Thomas has suggested on numerous occasions, I think [Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks are] not really interested in protecting children. I think they're interested in shutting down the conferences and silencing kinksters. Is it any wonder, then, that those who try to impose their own sexual morality on others find such fertile ground for their disingenuous crusades among the religiously zealous?

Among all the parallels between sexual submission and religious “submission” is this one, as well: consent is moral, oppression is not.


[ Posted Wed, 14 Apr 2010 23:59:45 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, narrative, photograph, solo

A couple embraces in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral as part of the New York City Pride Parade in 2005. The shirtless man shows welts on his back as he hugs his partner, a woman wearing renaissance fair garb.

This picture is of Eileen and I when we marched in the NYC Pride Parade 2005, blurred and published with her permission. I remember the experience vividly. It’s one of the most self-empowering memories I have: “I am not afraid to be seen here,” I thought to myself. I don't show, or even get, marks like these often but, having had them, and having the opportunity to march, I thought it important to be visibly proud of them.

By being visibly proud of who I am, I fight against stigmas that people like Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks would use to intimidate me, and which contribute to the shaming and suicides of innocent youth like Hope Witsell. I am not afraid to be different, to showcase the diversity of people’s differences, or to support others’ rights to be, to live, to learn, and to love differently from me. In their “bulletin,” Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks refer to as a pornographic web site on the humiliation and sexual abuse of men, blatantly ignoring how strongly I write against abuse and against humiliation, which this entire website was founded to reject.

The willful ignorance of so-called “feminists” like Donna M. Hughes to acknowledge the validity of consensual sexual behavior terrifies me (as it should you—regardless of your sexual predilections) because by actively conflating adults’ consensual behavior, sexuality education, and public discussion about sexuality with human trafficking, Donna M. Hughes, Margaret Brooks, and their mob strengthen the abuse they claim to fight. When people like Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks use fear tactics to incite moral panic, whether it was about interracial marriage in the 1930's, about homophobia in the 1950's, or about sex education more recently, ask yourself if they are really fighting to change the status quo, or fighting to keep it.

As Clarisse Thorn rightfully asks:

[W]hat's with this assumption that sex-positive activists have no clue about social issues of sexuality, or matters of the heart? Working to destigmatize sexuality is in no way incompatible with working towards better, more consensual, more meaningful relationships; in fact, I'll be bound that sex-positive activists do a much better job of this than these ...anti-trafficking“ folks do.

No matter the outcome of my current tribulations, I am not going to be the hero in this story. You are. Heroism is not the adherence to conformity but the courage to deviate from it; unity cannot be achieved through homogeneity but diversity; bravery is not the absence of fear but the ability to stand tall in spite of it, for what the fear-mongers and the fearful surely know is that fear and intimidation have the power to halt action. In Clarisse’s words, We can't erase Hughes’ and Brooks’ harmful accusations, but we can damn well expose them for the absurdities they are.

Yes, we can.


[ Posted Sat, 03 Apr 2010 18:19:30 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, marks, photograph, solo

A shirtless man with a bloodied back kneels in front of a standing woman who’s holding his hair in one hand and his cheek with the other.

This photograph is an old picture of me and Eileen. I love it because it reminds me of the loving relationship I had with her. I’m proud of it because it (and the response it got on my blog) was an early spotlight on the need for a more equitable representation of and focus on submissive men in erotic imagery, rather than a myopic view of women.

This picture was also re-published by Donna M. Hughes and Margaret Brooks in a bulletin inciting several bloggers to name me a “pedophile” and “sexual predator.” They cite my work on KinkForAll as cause, which I’ve written about before, and they make references to this blog, Male Submission Art. These are both places where I consistently speak up in defense of a fundamental human right to access free educational resources, including sexuality-related ones.

It’s hard to stand tall when mean, angry, or frightened people like Margaret Brooks and Donna M. Hughes, the same person who conflated Megan Andelloux’s non-profit sexuality education center with human trafficking, misquote you seemingly on purpose and paint you as a creature of (their) nightmares. It’s greatly offensive and fucking terrifying to be likened to things you revile.

Donna M. Hughes, Margaret Brooks, and other fear-mongering alarmists scare me because their vitriolic ignorance hampers the very thing we all want: a generation free of sexual abuse. When they conflate adults’ consensual behaviors with humanity’s worst, they aren’t just attacking me personally, they damage the possibility for everyone on Earth to live free of sexual coercion, whether the abuser is an individual, consumerist culture, or religion.

Standing up for what you believe in isn’t mutually exclusive with being scared or angry. That’s why it’s partly because of people like Margaret Brooks, Donna M. Hughes, and others who baselessly equate evil intent with whatever their personal sexual mores don’t allow, that I am standing tall, speaking up, and writing all this in the first place.

If I can stand up and empower others to break free of intimidation or coercion about what they should or should not do, want, or think, then you can do it, too. So speak up and help one person make something better for themselves than was done for you.


[ Posted Fri, 26 Mar 2010 03:14:00 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, marks, photograph

Crouching in darkness, a man with long hair perches on his fists and the balls of his feet, his hair thrown over his face, covering much of his naked body.

I don’t typically like photographs whose levels have been altered for “artistic effect,” but for some reason this red-toned picture, sent in by John Pickman, appeals to me. John noted that the photograph is by S. E. Rider, and wrote:

This photo was part of an exploration of D/s themes and ideas between my partner at the time (the photographer) and I. I like this one in particular because it seems archetypal, removed from the constraints of any one person or place. Submission isn’t something you do, it’s something you are, and we tried to capture that.

Interestingly, this image doesn’t seem to evoke submissiveness to me, but rather strength, possibly even anger. The curled, almost gorilla-like crouched pose along with the hot red and white coloring brings rebellious, not docile, thoughts to mind. Although it might seem an inappropriate thing to put on a site called “Male Submission Art,” I think it’s crucial for “submissive people” like me to acknowledge when we’re not feeling submissive.

I’m often annoyed by inappropriate expectations of docility many have of me when the only thing they know is that I use the label “submissive” to refer to my sexuality, and I find any formulation of submission that denies me agency repugnant. Articulating sexually submissive desires becomes even more challenging when the language available to discuss them fumbles so gracelessly and without distinction between fantasy and reality. It’s one thing to experience pleasure from a position of “meekness” (one of many synonyms for “submission” by, it is quite another to live meekly.


[ Posted Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:22:14 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

A promotional image from the International Women’s Health Coalition Young Visionaries contest, encouraging young people to create lasting change in the world by advocating for the sexual health and reproductive rights of women and other youth.

Regular readers know that I have many projects. I try not to interrupt the flow of masculine submission imagery often, but when my other projects pull me strongly, this blog takes a back seat. Most recently, I entered the International Women’s Health Coalition (IWHC) Young Visionaries contest along with my Kink On Tap co-host, Emma, with a new media project called SexEdEverywhere (“SEE”):

The core of the project is a sexual health education and empowerment video campaign highlighting the reality that we learn about sex from disparate sources in many locations. I believe that the time has come for people to realize that education“ is not, has never been, and never should be confined to health class. I believe that young people, sexuality minorities, and certain other disenfranchised groups (still including, sadly, women) have an enormously important role to play in reforming the empty-vessel, top-down model of education and turning it into a peer-to-peer meritocracy where accurate information wins out over misinformation because it saves lives rather than being politically expedient.

That’s why Emma and I have put together a proposal for the project and submitted it to the IWHC Young Visionaries contest, a contest that, if we win, would seed our project with $1000 USD of necessary funding to get it off the ground. Part of the criteria for winning the contest is based on popular vote, which means I need your votes to win.

If SexEdEverywhere sounds like a project worth supporting, please go to the IWHC voting page and click on “Vote” next to our picture. There’s no sign-up or login necessary to vote, and the more people vote the better our chances of winning the grant for this ambitious campaign, so another way to help is by spreading the word. Thanks so much for your support.


[ Posted Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:12:23 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize

Kneeling in total blackness, a naked man in a rope harness and headdress leans back and faces upwards.

I like this entrancing photograph by LarsNYC on Flickr for its obvious and overt strength. The man is holding himself up with closed fists right along with the open and vulnerable pose. That combination creates an appealing composite because it hints at some significant substance from the model himself.

One of my favorite things about this picture, though, is the total solitude in which the man is shown; there are only minimal accoutrement to indicate a possibly submissive orientation other than his pose. This is remarkable because in my eyes it highlights the fact that submission does not come about through someone else’s control. That’s mere restriction in the best case and abuse in the worst. Instead, it comes about through a submissive person’s active desire to submit.

Consensual sexual submission is not about how someone else controls me, it’s about the opportunities I create for myself to be vulnerable to another person. A desire for sexual submission itself is a valid motivation for healthy sex, despite being a desire that’s often pathologized or invalidated by cultural pressures, levied particularly harshly on men. That’s why I so strongly advocate for empowering every individual to choose exactly what they do or do not want—a power that’s required to make healthy sexual choices for one’s self, even “as a submissive.”



male:self march # 4 (via lars nyc)

[ Posted Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:55:39 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

The penis of a lean man is leashed loosely with cord and pulled to one side.

It’s rare that I come across any penis photographs that I like because they’re so often preposterously garish. Frequently, people’s fixation on the phallus trumps too many other considerations, replacing any opportunity I might have found for reverence with scorn. The model in this picture, however, actually seems honorable to me. Perhaps it’s because, while his cock is an obvious centerpiece, there is so much else to enjoy about him, like the moisture dripping down his abdomen, the rough texture of his pubic hair, or the finely sculpted shape of his arms.

Wherever men are involved, a dangerous, wide-spread stereotype is almost inescapable: the cock-centric notion that if you control a man’s penis, you control the man. Like many submissive men, I fetishize this idea; the stereotype can be convenient fantasy. But in reality, it’s important to distinguish fetishistic triggers from causes of desires, lest we perpetuate the myth that dominance is always coercive, and submission always unassertive.


[ Posted Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:58:08 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

Standing naked, a man’s wrists are tied behind his back with red rope as he holds a red rose upright in his right hand.

This photograph was sent in by caitiff, who wrote:

I am the photographer so I am not sure I can be unbiased. However, I liked the idea because I don’t see enough of bondage as a prop of romance. Hands tied with rope are as erotic to me (if not more) than any of the stereotypical examples one can think of (nudity, the rose, ect.).

I like this simple, if perhaps somewhat cliche image, because the symbolic use of object and color is clear enough that even I (an artistic dunce) can understand it. Perhaps the only thing missing from the picture are the thorns on the rose, which seem to have been cut from the stem. Nevertheless, the association between being physically bound to being emotionally committed is a powerful one.

Romance is frequently highly prescribed; Valentine’s Day, white-dress marriages, and serenades with string quartet accompaniment are oft-referenced platonic ideals. Moreover, it’s also strictly constrained; unions not based on gender or that include more than 2 people are often mistrusted. But of course, “true” romance—like “true love”—is what you choose to make of it.


[ Posted Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:51:56 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph

A burly, bleeding man partially bound half-naked to a wooden chair is punched in the face by another man wearing only the skimpiest of uniform apparel and military paraphernalia. Both men’s penises are visibly erect.

When I first saw this image, it jarred me to the point of concern, but it also reminded me of a great movie I have long eroticized: Fight Club. Even before my exposure to that movie as a teenager, I fantasized about losing fights to stronger people, usually other boys. In those fantasies, and perhaps in this (likely staged) photograph as well, unrestrained but invited aggression were highly emotional and cathartic outlets for stress, celebrations of personal strength or achievement, and playful, sporty fun.

Moreover, being beaten consensually and emerging from the experience successfully can feel mind-blowingly empowering. As Zac explains in his excellent talk at KinkForAll Providence:

BDSM is a personal theatrical ritual. […] It's a private performance, in which the participants are actor, director, writer, audience and stunt double. The successful carrying out of a scene depends on their mutual engagement in a shared fantasy, and this depends on effective and mindful negotiation and communication. I’d contend that navigating the mental and ethical twists and turns involved in this scene-setting has, at best, the potential for helping people navigate issues of consent and coercion in other venues of their lives.


Philip Zimbardo […] gave a TED Talk on evil. He lays out seven pre-conditions for good people to commit evil acts. They are:

  1. Mindlessly taking the first small step.
  2. Dehumanization of others.
  3. De-individuation of self.
  4. Diffusion of personal responsibility.
  5. Blind obedience to authority.
  6. Uncritical conformity to group norms.
  7. Passive tolerance of evil through inaction or indifference.

So, while what we do as kinksters is sometimes compared to the institutional abuses that happened at Abu Ghraib, there’s actually no comparison between that rubric and what we do. There’s no room in there for interactions between two consenting individuals, outside the structure of social institutions, based on negotiation, discussion, communication, and empathy.

(Skip to 4:01 in the video for the start of this quote.)

Nevertheless, since consensual sadomasochistic ritual is easily mistaken for abuse by uninformed observers, those of us who engage in it have been consistently pathologized by the medical community. As a result of their ignorance, some depictions of SM have already been outlawed in the UK and a US court recently sentenced a collector of “obscene” manga to 6 months in prison. Legal decisions like these are extremely dangerous to everyone’s freedoms because their premise fails to correctly recognize the very thing on which the law is based: intent.

The sad irony is that by criminalizing healthy explorations in navigating issues of coercion through consensual sexuality, anti-porn extremists are stunting the very self-determination they so desperately want everyone to have.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Sat, 20 Feb 2010 23:55:15 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, homosexual, marks, photograph

Leaning backwards, a man sits in the lap of a woman whose face is pushed against his body and whose hands grasp at him possessively.

This photograph was suggested by Bailadora, who wrote to say that:

This picture immediately brought to mind the entry you wrote about being on the receiving end of an aggressive blowjob.

Although I can see why the imagery here would remind one of that blowjob post, this image speaks of possession, not assertion, to me. Perhaps it’s the position of the woman’s hands on the man’s body, pulling at his underwear and pawing at his neck, or perhaps it’s the almost sacrificial offering of his body in the way the man is baring his throat. Either way, what I like most about the photograph is the evident desire exuding from both models.

Desire is a complex beast; it’s difficult to succinctly and accurately communicate what it is that we want. Worse, if you enjoy occupying certain social roles, such as submissive masculinity, cultural preconceptions about what you are allowed to want so strongly influence so many people that actually getting what you want is made even harder. And if that weren’t enough, many people often perceive frustration from wanting-and-not-getting as anger or entitlement on your part when, in fact, such frustration is simply the innate human drive towards equal opportunity.

In my pessimistic moments, I’ve all but given up on getting what I want in a significant, lasting way. Neither the mainstream nor alternative communities have felt like a home to me, with the BDSM community perhaps the most oddly sexist of all. Nevertheless, I try to stay optimistic and make things better. When people ask me why, I tell them the simple truth: I’m doing it for the children, the unborn future generations of submissive men (and other youth) who deserve a better world than the one we’ve currently got.

Please help me make something better for them than was done for us.


[ Posted Thu, 18 Feb 2010 23:59:56 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

Many have written to me expressing thanks and praise. I find myself at a loss to express how thankful I am for that, because the fuel for this site and so much of my writings is and continues to be extreme personal sadness.

Today, Valentine’s Day, I again have only these two words instead of the three I wished for: thank you.


Attribution update: This photograph is called Servility, by RidgeviewxKid.

[ Posted Sun, 14 Feb 2010 13:07:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize

The KinkForAll blue and white flame-in-flame icon.

I am super excited about participating in KinkForAll Providence this upcoming Saturday, February 6th. If you don’t yet know about it, KinkForAll is a series of free, public, educational sexuality events in the form of highly participatory, ad-hoc conferences. The next one is taking place in Brown University, and is being (un)organized by Emma in cooperation with the Sexual Health Education and Empowerment Council, a student-run group at Brown University chaired by the stunningly pro-active Aida Manduley. To echo Aida’s pitch:

If you’re sex-positive, sex-curious, and/or just plain sexy, you should consider attending a KinkForAll.

KinkForAll Providence will be the 5th one. If you’ve paged through the archives of this site, you’ll know that previous events were held in New York City, Boston, and near Washington, DC. That’s one KinkForAll, in 4 different cities, just about every 2 months or so in just the first year since KinkForAll’s conception! Wow!

KinkForAll began because people in sexuality communities have a real need to mix and mingle in a non-eroticized environment. More than that, it spread because participants recognized the need for this country’s (and perhaps the world’s) public discourse about issues relating to sexuality to engage everyone—not just activists—about sexual freedom and diversity.

Come out and help us push forward! And if you can’t make it in person for any reason at all, participate online at the KinkForAll Providence Live page! I hope to see you there!


[ Posted Thu, 04 Feb 2010 01:18:14 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, KFAPVD, KinkForAll

Bent at the waist, a naked man in darkness dangles from the end of a chain by the ropes binding his arms behind his back.

This photograph, called The Power’s Breaking Loose by vishstudio, was suggested by naturalnumber, and it’s part of a set that I really like. Of another photo in the set, tastethesea said:

My god I love this. Everything about this, right down to the daintily crossed ankles.

In both pictures, the man is definitely showing some “daintiness,” a hint and not much more than that of delicate beauty. I’m fond of the model’s pose in all the photos, but I especially like this one because of how entrancing the curved line from his back, down over his ass, to his legs, and finally his toes on each foot are. I like that line because it makes clear how carefully he’s standing and yet shows off obviously powerful muscles.

What at first might seem insubstantial can often reveal itself as very sturdy indeed because the distance from fragility to durability is not as far as many are taught to believe. This was not an easy lesson, and I still have to remind myself of it whenever I feel debilitating frustration over what others say my sexuality should be, whenever I get angrier than I know how to channel into pursuits that create rather than destroy, or whenever I feel helplessly unheard despite the hoarseness in my throat from screaming my presence.

This is not fun. It hurts. I’ve gotten tired of looking for lovers, or friends, or even just receptive ears at times; I truly believed I’d never experience sexual satisfaction on my own terms. But ultimately none of that stopped me from trying again. Nothing can stop me because I know my vulnerability and, although at times painful, it empowers me. That makes me, and others like me, unbreakable.

All of a sudden, this exclusive hegemony is not so hegemonic anymore.


[ Posted Wed, 03 Feb 2010 00:53:11 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph, solo

A young man leashed between the legs of a young woman kneels and looks up at her. The woman looks back at him, holding a hand on the back of his head.

Despite risking having a sole focus on the dominant woman, this picture, suggested by msa_10, somehow manages to pull my eyes between her and the submissive man. The difference in height and expression of each partner brings a surprisingly balanced visual weight to the total composition. I particularly like the way the man seems captivated in this situation; the woman is holding his leash short but not taut, and one of her legs is slung over his shoulder but they’re not tightly closed around him. Perhaps he’s just finished going down on her, and now she is taking care of him.

Care taking after playtime is called aftercare and in a recent blog post about aftercare, Saynine observes:

[T]here seemed to be a consensus from both Pro FemDommes and non-Pro that male bottom/subs do not require the same level of aftercare [as bottom/submissive women do] or any at all. This is fascinating to me and I do not even have a theory as to why. I do wonder if maybe FemDommes are less interested in providing aftercare.

Sadly, I’ve observed the same thing. While the idea that men—regardless of D/s orientation—don’t need or want aftercare is prevalent, it is wrong and very dangerous. Saynine quotes one dominant woman saying:

Call it stereotypical but I really would consider [a man who wants aftercare] a sissy and not want to play with him again.

I feel that this ignorant view, perpetuated not only by such women but also by many men, stems from a misinformed belief that desiring care somehow makes people not-men. But such fundamental desires don’t actually manifest as gendered dichotomies. As Eve Ensler has said:

Let’s think how compassion informs wisdom, and that vulnerability is our greatest strength, and that emotions have inherent logic[…]. And then let’s remember that we’ve been taught the exact opposite by the powers that be. That compassion clouds your thinking, that it gets in the way, that vulnerability is weakness, that emotions are not to be trusted[…].

I think the whole world has, essentially, been brought up not to be a girl. How do we bring up boys? What does it mean to be a boy? To be a boy really means not to be a girl. To be a man means not to be a girl. To be a woman means not to be a girl. To be strong means not to be a girl. To be a leader means not to be a girl.

I actually think that being a girl is so powerful that we’ve had to train everyone not to be that.

(Skip to 2:00 in the video.)

Ensler’s “girl” is not an actual person, but an acknowledgement of the multiplicity of wants and needs that exists within each of us, man and woman, dominant and submissive, adult and child. What saddens me most about the ignorant dominant woman's quote is that she doesn't even see how her lack of compassion not only devalues others in her own eyes, but also cuts herself off from having access to valuable others. Such dominant women are not powerful, and therefore not attractive to a submissive man like me.


[ Posted Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:23:19 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, digital art

Tied with ropes and blindfolded with a necktie, a muscular man wearing a suit is partially undressed.

This fun picture was sent in by Ranai, who says that the photograph is a promo pic from Men at Play, a UK-based gay porn site which specialises in horny men wearing suits. While this man’s body isn’t the kind of masculine ideal I aspire to, I can certainly understand the appeal it has for many women like her, and other people too:

Some men just look wonderful in a well-cut suit. Even better, half in and out of the suit, tied up, and with the necktie used as a blindfold. Hey, he even has a hint of chest hair. Not much, but it’s there. Oh yes! I love hair. Show me porn with beautiful hair any time. In summary, my well-considered commentary: fuckyeahtiedupmeninsuits!

Neckties, especially as blindfolds, are one of the most common examples of pervertible toys, which I love in part because they are ostensibly a symbol of male dominance in heteronormative spaces such as Western business markets. I never understood why sexuality had to be made so expensive, which is why I hate the socioeconomic barrier “sex toys” can be. Even underwear is a sex toy if you intend it to be, and not just for gags.

As an aside, I’ve been stressing a lot over my failure to update this blog according to my publication goal of 1 post per day, so I really appreciated Ranai’s personal note:

P.S. Please don’t worry so much about when you update MSA or not. Just do it whenever it works for you, and leave it as it is for a while when you’re busy with other projects. The site has a fabulous archive already.

Beyond taking the opportunity to thank you for the kind words, Ranai, I wanted to also remind readers that they—you—are not only invited but encouraged to suggest pictures and even entire posts by sending them to me. Most of the best pictures on this site have come from reader suggestions now, and if you compose a 2-3 paragraph piece to go along with your suggestion, it may get featured as a guest post.

Thank you for helping me keep the hot, sexy, submissive men pictures coming in. :)


[ Posted Sun, 31 Jan 2010 00:24:12 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph, solo

Kneeling on a mattress, a naked young man is tied with his arms behind his back. His mouth is gagged, stuffed with fabric (presumably clothing of some sort) as he raises his head.

I instantly liked this photograph for a few simple reasons. The relatively good rope bondage, something that’s aggravatingly horrendous in most pictures of bound men, helps it stand out. I also like the spartan nature of the room he’s in, which offers certain suggestions for potential fantasies. But more than that, I like this man’s upwards glance and how almost-but-not-quite prepared he seems for whatever is about to happen.

His is a look not of certainty, but readiness, not of mastery, but willingness, not of being unafraid, but of being courageous. In my experience, submission is not solely about the control of others over me, but about my own self-control. Willingly and eagerly challenging myself to do things a dominant partner wants me to do because it is what they desire is how I’ve come to define the line between being submissive to someone and being bullied by someone.

This is why I so heartily approve of American sexologist Dr. William Henkin’s words about submission:

Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think [they] should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self.

Some people will say such pride is a sin. I think the real sin is shame and self-subjugation under the guise of superior morality. For in the end, to be authentically prideful, you must first be able to know yourself, your desires, and successfully communicate them to others, and I refuse to be branded a sinner for that.






So try and get away, then.

[ Posted Sat, 30 Jan 2010 15:20:27 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph, solo

A nude man lies on his back on a bed with crimson sheets, holding his arms over his head. He wears a studded leather cuff around each wrist, and a black ribbon tied around his erect penis.

This photograph was sent in by Felixpath, along with a very apropos description:

This is a pose I’ve always found intensely erotic: the submissive man laid bare, his body holding no secrets for the one who controls him. As a switch, I can easily picture myself standing over him…or in his position. Both are equally enticing. The eager, willing submission is what I like; a closer look reveals that his wrists don’t appear to be actually restrained. He is happy to bare himself and submit.

The subject of this picture happens to be a very close friend of mine, one who finds a great sense of self-identity in being submissive. Dominance and submission are built on trust, and it makes me happy that he trusts me enough to share this, and that he gets enjoyment out of displaying himself to others.

Despite obviously being very “out,” I have a certain amount of apprehension about baring myself too bare. It’s very, very difficult to be naked—both physically and metaphorically—in situations where one feels unsafe. And, while I strongly believe that being out of the closet is a safer place than being in it, there is an enormous difference between being “closeted” and being “private.” That’s why I’ll never accept the closet, and will always demand that everyone have a right to privacy and the right to define what that means for them.

Thank you, Felixpath, for sharing such positive thoughts with me (and everyone reading), and thanks also to the exhibitionistic man in the image you sent! :)


[ Posted Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:16:47 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

Two feline anthropomorphic humanoids have sex with one another. The larger of the two has spotted fur and is bound and gagged while laying on his back, penetrating his smaller partner on top, who is ejaculating.

This picture was sent by Alcibiades, who posted this drawing on their own blog along with a portion of the blog post as the suggested description, which is well worth a read.

I like furry porn a lot, as I’ve always been attracted to anthropomorphic ideas, especially when they manifest as sexual fantasy. Some of my favorite erotica has involved inter-species relationships, not because I find the thought of physical sensations with other intelligences necessarily pleasurable, but because of the humbling idea that such interactions demand a sensitivity to cultures, concepts, and physiology that is unfamiliar. This idea of remaining sensitive to difference is central to my sexual interactions with human partners, especially when we are new to one another. As I discussed on This Week In Kink episode 8, I often make it a priority to have “exploratory sex,” because I know that sex with someone I’ve never had sex with before is going to feel different than it ever has before, and that sex changes as we age. I get off on the novelty.

Furry facts aside, Alcibiade’s contribution is also incredibly on-point:

I’ve noticed in several gay communities online (nearly all of them also being furry communities, for whatever reason) that sub/dom is becoming a synonym for top/bottom[…]. For example, this picture was posted in the “subs coming handsfree from being fucked” thread on fchan.

It’s true that being the penetrated partner has always had submissive implications for me. […] Of course, at least part of it was because of ambient cultural memes about penetration: surely any guy that wanted that had to be submissive.

Yet it was also because of the simple mechanics of the acts as they had been presented to me so far: as far as I could tell, the penetrating partner controlled the action. He or she was generally in an upright, dominant position, with the penetrated partner in a vulnerable, inviting position, ass high in the air or on his or her back. While this is what the culture tells us what penetration should look like, it doesn’t have to be so.

Reading Alcibiades’s words, I can’t help but think that’s precisely what the woman on top sex position can be for. Moreover, penetrating can be an act of submissive service, and blowjobs can be dominant. Alcibiades’s point is well made, and I would perhaps only add that blurred distinctions between “top/bottom” and “dom/sub” are not good for the clarity of your relationship’s communication.



[ Posted Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:53:31 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, digital art, furry, homosexual

A physically aroused young man sits on the ground, stripped and bound to a fence behind him. Semen drips down his face, chest, and from his anus as another person takes a photograph of the moment using a cell phone camera.

This drawing turns me on because it contains many elements of my sexual fantasies. However, I seriously reconsidered posting it tonight because it shows an incredibly volatile subject. Interestingly, despite all that’s depicted here, the bondage, the indications of rough, likely homosexual sex, and the intense power imbalance, it’s the inclusion of the cell phone camera that turns this fictional picture into a potential political nightmare. I’m talking, of course, about “sexting.”

Personally, I enjoy rough sex involving consensual use of restraints and, yes, photography. While restraints were simpler for me to enjoy, being photographed makes me a little uncomfortable to this day because, by and large, a man’s value is measured in everything except his sex appeal. To be considered as potentially beautiful, or at least pretty enough to be visually desirable, seemed so impossible for so long that even a hint of such attention felt more likely to be putting me at the butt of a joke than giving me a compliment.

In the hegemonic gender paradigm, what a man cannot be, a woman is, and so when I was sixteen, my then-girlfriend and I set up a few private photo shoots in which I photographed her naked. This is not uncommon, abnormal, or unhealthy. It was, as much of young people’s behavior is, simply a necessary exploration of our own bodies, feelings, and desires. It was partly through experiences such as that one that I developed my sexual personhood, and my girlfriend developed hers.

Increasingly, however, young people’s rights—and particularly their sexual freedoms—are being whittled away by outrageous, paternalistic, and contradictory claims. As I said at KinkForAll Washington DC,

In December of 2006, the Denver Post reported on a Utah court case in which two 13 year old heterosexual adolescents were convicted of sexually molesting each other. They, too, are now both registered sex offenders. This story showcases a horrible double-standard of youth sexuality: at 13, you’re too young to be capable of consenting to sex, but apparently you’re old enough to consciously decide to sexually molest someone else.

Moreover, at such young ages you’re also apparently old enough to be charged with producing and distributing child porn of yourself, even when the pictures you take are not even close to the explicitness shown in the fictional drawing at the top of this post. So, in what is poised to be an extremely important legal case, A federal appeals court in Philadelphia may soon decide whether [teen girls] can be prosecuted under Pennsylvania child pornography laws merely for appearing in a “sexting” cell phone image, the Post-Gazette is reporting:

In 2008, then Wyoming County District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. threatened to prosecute the girls unless they attended what their lawyers called “re-education” classes and wrote an essay about why sexting is wrong.

Yesterday, before the three-judge panel, a lawyer for Mr. Skumanick said that was a legitimate effort to protect the teens from themselves and potential child predators, and compared it to other state laws—like motor vehicle rules—that regulate teen behavior.

That claim outraged ACLU lawyer Witold J. Walczak, who argued the prosecutor cannot accuse the girls of being pornographers under the guise of protecting them from pornographers.

"We’ve been mystified how anyone can look at these photos as pornography," he said. "These photos are not even close calls."

(Emphasis mine.)

America is tragically embroiled in more than enough wars right now. Stop putting our kids on the front lines of the war on sex. Stop treating them like the criminals you claim to be protecting them from. Stop destroying their future by forcing them onto sex offender registration lists. And, please, stop shaming American children to their own deaths. Just, stop.



[ Posted Sun, 17 Jan 2010 23:59:55 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, digital art

A man lays on the floor on his stomach in front of a partially dressed, smiling woman smoking a cigarette, who spreads her legs open in front of him.

This photograph looks like a scan from a magazine or other dead-tree media and seems to have a watermark pointing at this Russian-language blog (although I have no idea why). It caught my eye because of how wonderfully it captures the interactions that go along with consensual sex, and cunnilingus in particular. Rather than giving us “a gynecologist’s view” with a closeup of the woman’s vulva, it includes most of both partners’ bodies, connecting not only to the sex act itself but also to the people involved. Even better, the camera angle simultaneously focuses on the man’s body in this position, yet we can also see the woman’s satisfied, genuine smile very clearly.

The simple fact that these people are obviously enjoying themselves makes this picture infinitely sexier. Since I’ve always absolutely loved giving my girlfriends oral sex, I really appreciate that she doesn’t seem to have any issues with her partner’s head between her legs. Sadly, however, many women do, because everything from national television programs, to countless products in the supermarket’s feminine hygiene aisle, to their workplaces reminds women that their value is sex appeal, as defined by hegemonic feminine ideals.

Without genitals of the right smell, taste, or color (for which dangerous and ineffective labia dye can be purchased), many women fear that there may be something “wrong” with their genitals. Tragically, this idea so strongly infects some women that they are willing to risk forfeiting health and sexual pleasure with surgery like labiaplasty to buy desirability from the very system that made them feel undesirable. This vicious cycle is nothing short of sexual consumerism at its worst.






[ Posted Sat, 16 Jan 2010 21:38:46 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

A young blonde man, bound at the wrists and gagged, kneels on all fours as a fellow man anally fingers him while smiling broadly.

This drawing was suggested by psychoadept some time ago. I like it mostly because it seems the artist intentionally drew the pair having a lot of fun. The wide smile on the face of the top doesn’t strike me as sadistic, just happy. The bottom, for his part, seems to be enjoying the activities equally; his raised ass, open legs, and concerted look mimic my own when I’m starting to really get into it.

It’s a real shame that the simpler pleasures of sex, like, y’know fun, are so often hijacked and masked under layer upon layer of solemn ritual or other obstables. Sometimes they’re hijacked by the sorts of things you’d expect, like misguided morality or genuine ignorance and a lack of education. Other times they’re hijacked by things you wouldn’t expect, like sexism from people who ought to know better, or undeserved elitism.

Either way, sexual freedom is at the heart of what it means to be human, and happy. Sex and reproduction is, for obvious reasons, at the very core of life. I honestly can’t understand how so many people think actively restricting others from loving who or how they love, whether by stopping others’ marriages, preventing them from getting reproductive healthcare, or actively criminalizing consensual sexual tastes is in any way just, or why more people don’t deem such restrictions totally, unacceptably outrageous. Sometimes songwriters say it best:

If you’re not angry,
you’re just stupid,
or you don’t care.
How else can you react
when you know
something’s so unfair?

As Ani DiFranco’s lyrics point out, maybe some people don’t care. But if you care about your freedoms, the best way to protect them is to give others the same ones.


[ Posted Fri, 15 Jan 2010 23:51:42 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, digital art, homosexual

A young man reclines on a couch in the sunlight, smoking a cigarette. He is naked except for wearing heavy leather boots, a padlocked leather cuff on his right wrist, a collar with an O-ring, and a cockring at the base of his semi-erect penis.

I’ve been enamored with this arresting photograph for some time. From the markers of a collar and especially the single leather cuff around this man’s right wrist, it’s clear that he’s presenting as a submissive or a bottom. And yet everything about his body language speaks of an assertive, willful presence. His pointed gaze is insistent, bordering on demanding, and his unabashedly open pose screams shamelessness. After all this, I find the addition of a cigarette almost too much, as though the photographer didn’t trust the viewer to recognize the playful “bad boy” tone without it. Nevertheless, I think this picture is gorgeous.

It’s also particularly incisive because pairing submissive signals with such an imposing presence is rarely seen and even less often understood. The idea that submissive people (of any gender) can and should assert themselves in their submissiveness is, infuriatingly, heretical in both heteronormative and alternative communities. The idea of a submissive person as purely passive, or receptive—as, in the case of men, “womanly” and “less-than”—so thoroughly overwhelms hegemonic society that those of us who are submissively-inclined struggle to claim satisfaction in the face of our own desire for unfairness.

Recently, Thumper wrote a must-read blog post highlighting his struggle with this situation:

I was suddenly struck by something very profound. Something I've danced around and paid lip-service, but have not really owned up to. Something that has, oddly enough, left me somewhat shaken.

I am submissive.

Seriously, I know. Isn't that ridiculous? Like, it says that right up there in the blog description. ...Submissively inclined.“ I've known this. But no. It's different now. I'm not submissively inclined. I am submissive, period.

Considering the hegemonic masculine ideal as dominant, I posit that personal realizations of this sort are more difficult for submissive men than for women. By way of explanation, Thumper continues:

I admit to carrying around a prejudice against submissive males. […] It's like I'm the white supremacist who just discovered the black grandmother he never knew about or the uber-masculine father of 12 who suddenly figured out he was gay. This is all horrible and all nasty and sad and not anything I'm happy about, but I see now that I've never fully embraced my submissive nature because I don't especially like the archetype as it exists in our culture. In fact, there is no archetype. No role model. Nothing positive to look towards. Just layer after layer of stereotype and ridicule and cultural indifference. And now I know I'm one of them.

Submissiveness, and especially submissive men, are depicted as so undesirable by so much of contemporary culture that it’s no wonder “submissively-inclined” men like Thumper (and me, for a long time) refused to own the label. Moreover, common perception of what it means is hampered:

I’m very self-centered. […] You can't be a self-centered submissive, right? That's not actually possible, right?

Of course it is. There’s a distinction between self-centeredness and submissiveness; they’re apples and oranges! You can be a self-centered donor to charity, for example, because you get tax deductibles. Being submissive has nothing inherently to do with selfless service, an oft-cited misconception. Both dominance and submissiveness is entirely about satisfying one’s own sexual desires, just like any other sexual orientation or inclination. Submissive or not, we all deserve to have what we want.


Update: Several people have written to me questioning whether or not this picture is entirely real. Closer examination shows that the model is wearing a left boot on his right foot. That’s disappointing, and it seems all of the leather accessories are Photoshopped. Everything I wrote regarding submissiveness, however, still stands.


strange get up … but very sexy boy

[ Posted Mon, 11 Jan 2010 02:34:17 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, digital art, photograph, solo

A blindfolded man cuffed to a bedrail lays motionless, his lips parted in anticipation.

This picture is the one used by Wikipedia’s article on male submission. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before, but I really like it. I can feel a certain empathy with the model because his slightly parted mouth and his tense hands betray his excitement.

Having not actually seen the Wikipedia article about “male submission” before, I eagerly read through the short page but was disappointed to find that it was written in much the same One True Way® tone that most of the depressingly “pathetic” blogosphere uses for the topic of submissive masculinity. Although a valiant attempt, the article discussed “levels” of male submission and needlessly focused on activities and negative gender stereotypes such as “sissification.” So, of course, I made some edits to improve the article.

The 30 minutes or so that I spent revising the article may seem like too much wasted effort to some people at the same time that it may seem like too little effort to others. This observation highlights a beautiful thing: the freedom to define personal value. I spent exactly the time and effort I wanted to spend on the work—no more and no less—and therefore contributed and acquired exactly the value I wanted from the experience.

For me, 2009 was a year of massive personal upheaval, as though a wildfire swept through my life and left me fresh and raw. It hurt, but like all natural processes, it also provided an incredible opportunity for rejuvenation. Our lives, like Wikipedia pages, are instantly editable in whatever way we want, whenever we want, and have far-reaching impacts we can’t always see instantly. Now, imagine what kind of world we would inhabit in 2010 if you, your friends, and all the people who look up to you understood that their opportunities today, like mine, are greater than they've ever been before.


[ Posted Sat, 09 Jan 2010 02:05:21 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph, solo

On a bed, a blindfolded man is gently bitten on the lips by a woman who has slipped her hand underneath his unzipped jeans. Bright red lipstick marks line the man’s torso.

This picture caught my eye because the evidence of what came before is wonderfully obvious. Kissing is excellent foreplay, and the positions of the models, now necessarily different than when she kissed him, pulls me into thinking about what they’ll do next. I also love the playful smile glimmering on the woman’s lips and the open-palmed, relaxed position of the man’s arms and hands above his head.

Despite the penchant many people think a submissive guy like me would have for only somewhat more intense sex, I genuinely like calmer and more comfortable encounters, as well. This shouldn’t really be a surprise, since sex can be deeply emotional. Just as I enjoy being penetrated, I enjoy penetrating as well.

It’s unfortunate that so many people are eager to limit and restrict what you may find enjoyable merely by telling you that you “shouldn’t.” Please think about that as you give and receive gifts this holiday season. Everyone needs and deserves the freedom to want what they want to want.



apocalips:derekisme:(via secondstar05)

[ Posted Fri, 25 Dec 2009 08:51:06 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that this site is just one of my many projects. Now, I’d like to take a moment to introduce you to another recent project of mine: Kink On Tap, the smart sexuality netcast recorded in conjunction with a live Internet audience (yes, that’s you!) every Sunday evening at 8 PM Eastern, 5 PM Pacific (and 1 AM UTC).

I strongly believe that sexuality is a fundamental aspect of a huge number of other topics ranging from medicine to the law to technology and human rights and beyond. Neither its influence in our own growth as individuals nor its impact on our society through culture can be understated. That’s why I revived Kink On Tap; to create a weekly forum where I and my talented co-host, Emma, can interact directly with you to discuss recent sexuality news and stuff that’s important, interesting, or just plain fun.

So, if you haven’t yet done so, set aside one minute (literally, it’s 59 seconds long) to listen to the Kink On Tap audio trailer Emma and I cut together to give you an idea of what the show is like. If you like what you hear, join us this Sunday—and every Sunday after that!—as we broadcast live, and consider reblogging this audio promo to tell your friends to come along with you.

Thanks for indulging me in this brief digression. :) Before long, it’ll be back to the sexy, sexy pictures of submissive men. In the mean time, have a happy holiday.

[ Posted Wed, 23 Dec 2009 22:36:35 ]

Embed code:

Tagged with: tumblrize

A smiling man wearing only close-fitting underwear pulls an arm-length glove off the hands of a woman seated near him.

I love this fun picture! It was suggested by Wendy Blackheart, who wrote:

I like the playful tug of war that seems to be going on with her gloves. At the edge of the photo, you can see the girl laughing, and the boy seems to enjoy it as well.

I find that when I’m truly having fun, I rarely think about what’s just happened or what’s to come next, and that’s the impression I get from this photograph. It’s kind of wonderful that there are no clues as to whether these models’ playtime is just beginning or if it’s coming to a close. The part of this image that provides the most insight, to me, is the fact that the man is wearing leather cuffs, but only his left wrist is buckled into the restraint while the other buckle dangles loosely at his side; they’re letting the toys be just toys.

The fact that both models are obviously having a good time makes it easy to engage with the activity—whatever it is—depicted here. It’s in our nature to enjoy seeing other people happy and, despite the misguided pathologizing beliefs many folks hold about sadomasochists, this basic principle of human empathy is no different for us than for people who like to fuck differently. Indeed, if you’re not enjoying yourself, then it’s probably time to go find something else you will enjoy.

Sex, just like the rest of life, is supposed to be fun. If it’s not, then it’s up to you to make it fun. Not only are you missing out on great sex if you don’t, you’re not doing your sex partner any favors by pretending to be enjoying yourself when you’re not.




chagrin:Photo by Valeria Lazareva

[ Posted Wed, 23 Dec 2009 21:45:33 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

A man bites down on a staff while another pokes his skimpily covered genitals. Bound with his arms behind his back in a Japanese-style chest harness, his skin shows obvious signs of welting.

Masochistic desires are some of the hardest to depict accurately because the artists walk a line so close to false victimization. While subjective, many distinctions for me can be found in a bottom’s posture and pose, not their face. The man’s open legs and curled toes in this drawing are instant indicators that maybe he’s actually enjoying himself.

Sadly, rather than being considered legitimate, desires like masochism and submission have been pathologized by the simplistic view that pain is always bad and a loss of control is intrinsically weakening. The medicalization of this misguided belief began in 1886 when Austrian psychiatrist Krafft-Ebbing set the stage using words like “violence” in his influential work, Psychopathia Sexualis. He also segregated masochism and sadism into “active” and “passive” roles, terminology still widely used today:

The perfect counterpart of masochism is sadism. While in the former there is a desire to suffer and be subjected to violence, in the latter the wish is to inflict pain and use violence. The parallelism is perfect. All the acts and situations used by the sadist in the active role become the object of the desire of the masochist in the passive role.

I find this language flawed to the point of adulteration. BDSM relationships may be violent, but they do not embody violence. In disavowing the legitimate pleasure that is often found in pain (whether sexual or not), it casts focus away from a complex reality and onto a false dichotomy of violator and violated inappropriately imbued with a repressive morality. As Ranat explains, not even the addition of consent can fully reform this worldview:

Consent is a factor, not to be trivialized, but is not the defining factor.

[To] declare consent the defining factor between abuse and BDSM relationships is to say that abuse is the exact same thing as dominance, submission, bondage and sadomasochism, only without consent. And it is to say the reverse: That BDSM is the exact same thing as abuse, only with consent.

And it's not. […] That the logistics of giving and obeying an order, of binding and being bound, of an object hitting flesh might superficially resemble each other, is irrelevant.

Despite the fact that earlier works such as the Kama Sutra contained references to “consensual erotic slapping”, Krafft-Ebbing’s writing encouraged generations to shame people with masochistic or sadistic desires into silence and, consequently, isolation. Pain is not so dissimilar from pleasure and a notion of letting go of one’s own control is a critical component of rejuvenating, healing experiences for many people in countless circumstances.



japanese (homo)erotic, and s & m, art

[ Posted Sun, 20 Dec 2009 23:53:39 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, marks

Laying on his stomach on a tiled stone floor, a naked man bends his leg at the knee and points his toes to show off a black and chrome-plated ankle cuff.

This fantastically sexy photograph was suggested by heartbreaknympho. I’m enthralled by how much emotive intent is evident in the image without any of the obvious signals. Even though there are no facial expressions or detailed scenery to give us insight into what might be going on or how this man feels, the picture is unmistakably playful and lighthearted.

The model, with his relaxed thighs and pointed toes, feels very lively, frisky, maybe even impish to me. He’s flirting, but he’s doing it by being the attractor instead of the attracted. It’s transgressive for men to behave this way because contemporary culture polices masculinity according, in part, to the pursuer-pursued paradigm of sexual attraction. Coquettish men automatically empower women to be desirous, which is the reciprocal social taboo.

Finally, add sexual submissiveness into the mix and the hegemonic masculine “roles” come full circle in an oppressive, reifying way: the only widespread cultural scripts most submissive men have to guide them are that of the “worthless worm” or the “chivalrous knight.” Why these two? Because if he chooses “worthless worm,” then he is by definition unable to be desired since there’s nothing of value in him for a woman to want. If, on the other hand, he chooses “chivalrous knight,” then he is by definition the desirous partner attempting to “win the heart of his princess.”

Little wonder I feel the need for a new cultural script of submissive masculinity. I’m so over this sexism.


[ Posted Sat, 19 Dec 2009 23:59:59 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

A young man is blindfolded with a thick leather belt. He holds his arms, which are bound in electrical cord, up near his head.

This photograph was suggested by Aching Blossom, and I have to agree that the most distinct part of the image is the model’s lips:

[My] favorite part of this image is the vulnerable look on his face, and the mouth especially. But notice how he's bound with what looks like an electrical cord and they obviously tried this more than once, and tightly, because he's got impressions in his skin where the cord used to be. So despite the improvisational wrist binding and belt-blindfold, there's a real passion going on in this scene that's reflected in the model's face.

For those who eroticize power, as I do, the fact that vulnerability is sexy is viscerally understandable. That’s a part of what I find so hot about pervertible toys like belts used for bondage or neckties used as blindfolds; they bring to mind a certain authenticity that can feel like being given a welcome treat or heighten the feeling of being controlled by highlighting the whims of a lover.

Utilizing everyday objects for sexual purposes is very common and I find that it can be just as much fun as “gearing up” with specialty sex toys or specific fetish equipment. Yet, for the reasons Margot Weiss, Ph.D., elucidates in her research paper, Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media, marketers have tapped into the allure and exoticism of SM sexuality to sell an ever-widening array of products creating an overwhelming pressure to purchase and consistently keeping “real BDSM”—itself a mirage conjured by consumer culture—available only to the socioeconomically privileged:

There is no question that mainstream representations of BDSM have increased dramatically, spreading further and further into popular culture. Instead of challenging systems of sexual privilege and power, mainstream representations of SM (both normalizing and pathologizing) reinforce the normativity of the distanced viewing subject.


As SM becomes more mainstream, the desire for something real, raw, and hard grows. This desire is elusive; it reveals itself when viewers are left feeling hollow and empty, disappointed that they were not sufficiently shocked or turned on (or, ideally, both).


Using the language of disappointment, they are protesting the failure of transgression, decrying the ways sexual strangeness is disciplined out of existence.

The sex appeal and sexuality you saw on the TV, in that magazine, and in the window display today are a marketer’s snake oil. This holiday season, remember that the best things in life are free.



Oh that mouth…


just beautiful



[ Posted Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:52:14 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, narrative, photograph, solo

Bent over and bound to a padded board, a man moans loudly as he is vigorously fucked with a strap-on by a woman holding onto his shoulders.

Penetrating a vagina with a penis is often the only act considered “real sex,” but this elementary view of intimate encounters leaves much to be desired—literally! For many men, receptive anal sex and prostate stimulation is incredibly pleasurable, and so in recent years the ubiquity and variety of the prostate massager has (finally!) begun to rival that of the cock ring. Even beyond that, however, thinking of sex as solely genital penetration excludes many other activities, including some like french kissing (which is also penetrative, technically speaking), from consideration. Why be so adamant about missing out on more kinds of sex?

Since penetration is so often perceived as a gendered act (men penetrate while women are penetrated), and since one’s gender is culturally imbued with having or lacking power, penetrating is often unnecessarily coupled with dominance, while being penetrated is mistakenly coupled with submission. But it isn’t even close to always being that way.

Although many submissive men, myself included, enjoy getting fucked, many dominant men also enjoy getting it up the butt. You can imbue a penetrative act with dominance if you want to, but don’t misconstrue it as though it were some kind of intrinsically dominant behavior. That’s the same mistake as assuming giving head is inherently submissive. It’s not.




ouch! … a bit of a role reversal here

I do hope she spanked him before she raped him

[ Posted Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:22:41 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph

A very fit, shirtless young man blindfolds himself as he stands facing the camera.

This wonderful photograph is from sairex90’s Deviant Art page and was sent in by Suraya, who says:

I love the flirtiness of the pose and the way the pose and the lighting show off his body. I also love that he’s blindfolding himself, and the slight smile. He seems so inviting, and in being so, seems to willing put the power in the my hands, as the viewer.

I’m intrigued by the title of the picture, Blindfold Brawler. The model is evidently strong and even powerful. Although these are two characteristics often associated solely with dominance, both are present in submission as well.

It is in no way a paradox for a sexually submissive person to have and exert certain powers. Understanding the subtleties of power is crucial not merely for a successful D/s relationship, but for safety in daily life as well.


[ Posted Wed, 16 Dec 2009 23:55:13 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

A tattooed man sitting naked on the floor leans back as a woman straddles him and grips his lower back.

This photograph, titled Control, was taken by photographer Michael Barone. I’ve just become aware of this photographer’s work thanks to it being featured in’s “Sit on Santa’s Lap” Christmas giveaway. I really like this picture in part because the man’s bulk is strangely and indescribably attractive to me, despite my personal aesthetics trending towards leaner men.

Another thing I like about Michael Barone’s photography is that he describes his work as intentional not only in aesthetics, but in politics and society as well. His images are displayed in galleries sorted by political and sociopolitical topics, and often feature confident women and men of diverse shapes and sizes. Although I find his visual messages somewhat obscured, the titles he gives his photographs usually give a glimpse into his meaning. It was, after all, the title of this image that made me go look at it.

Although I haven’t heard it mentioned between all of the excitement over the sex toys in FetLife’s giveaway, one of the other prizes is a year-long subscription to an Internet proxy service called, a service that helps you route around censorship on the Internet. As dissimilar as Michael Barone’s photograph and this product might seem at first, I see an instant connection: controlling what we are allowed to look at or want to look at, whether by de-facto mainstream monopoly, government legislation, social taboo, or Internet filtering, is a clear and present exertion of control that I do not consent to. Neither you nor I should be unwillingly forced to submit to it.


[ Posted Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:59:48 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

In forbidding darkness, a young man is blindfolded, gagged, and tied to a chair. His clothes are shredded, his body is splattered with fluids, and his semi-erect penis is dripping.

This is one of my favorite kinds of erotic imagery: intensely revealing, sadomasochistic, and with plenty of fodder for storytelling and my imagination. I love the implications of what came before the moment shown here in the form of dripping semen on this man’s thighs and (especially) his mouth.

Pictures in the same style as this one, yaoi, were a blessedly positive and foundational outlet for my sexual interests as a teenager. Unlike the overwhelming majority of images, which are monopolized by a consumer-driven male gaze, finding visuals with which I could relate was far more likely if those visuals were drawn. Had I been punished for or banned from viewing erotic works like these, I simply wouldn’t be the sexually healthy adult I am today.

Yet it is merely the possession of images like this one that a new UK law criminalizes:

Section 63 of the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008 comes into force on 26 January and makes owning offending pictures a criminal offence punishable by up to three years’ imprisonment. An image is deemed to be extreme if it “is grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character” and portrays in any way an act which threatens a person’s life, or which results or appears likely to result in serious injury to someone’s genitals or breasts.

The ill-concieved law, passed earlier this year, is extraordinarily troubling because it has extreme implications that hinder not only sexual freedom, but also free speech. Among the many other problems, there is no distinction between photographs or drawings and so the law will criminalise thousands of previously law-abiding people who have a harmless taste for unconventional sex. In other words, the law criminalizes people like me (if I lived in Britain), or you, just for viewing the picture above.

While I’m sure anti-porn lobbyists like the ones who backed this legislation believe they are protecting society in general, such negligent law making and clear censorship is an obvious symptom of sexual paranoia.



Update (August 7, 2010): Unsurprisingly, the above-mentioned law has been abused multiple times.

[ Posted Sun, 06 Dec 2009 00:07:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, solo

A muscular man wearing a thick leather collar places his hands on his shaved head as he displays the intricate henna tattoo covering the whole of his back.

This picture was both painted and contributed by Kimberly Dow, who wrote in saying:

I found your blog or site there, and wanted to send one in of my beautiful slave. I am the artist. It is painted in oil and is 18x24. The title is ‘Henna Tattoo.’ I hope to see some lovely work there!

Although I’m no art critic, I’m impressed with the painting skill this image shows. Both the man’s skin and the leather of his collar are extremely detailed. The picture itself reminds me not a little of the knife marks that gave my own back wings. I even have a collar like him.

I’m thrilled to be publishing this work because it’s a rare treat to find explicitly D/s imagery in more classical artistic mediums like painting, pastels, or sculpture. A big thank you to Kimberly for sending this to me!


[ Posted Sat, 05 Dec 2009 06:56:21 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, solo

An uncircumcised dark-skinned man lays on his side in a velvety space. His hands are held sharply behind his back, and a lock of tightly dreadlocked hair crosses his forehead.

The tiny watermark on this stunning photograph reads J. Isobel De Lisle Photogaphy, so I think that’s the source of the image, although I’m not certain. The picture was sent in by cand86, who writes with such succinct thoroughness I don’t know what else I can add.

I stumbled over this and thought it quite gorgeous; I love the angle, I love the twist of his arms and that the focus isn’t on the means of bondage, and of course his face is beautiful and open—one of those ...strength in bondage“ shots I love so on this site.

I love this image. The model is breathtaking and the talent of the photographer is plainly obvious. The photograph is artistic and arousing and thought-provoking all at once. Most interesting of all is, as cand86 points out, that the focus isn’t on equipment, but solely on the male form.

How one presents information is often just as important as what that information is (if not more so, in some circumstances). This is why imagery is so important for sighted people and why it constitutes a massive proportion of society’s cultural constructions. The visual monopoly of the male gaze in mainstream culture really makes a difference—in everything.

Far from being immune, subcultures like many sex-positive and otherwise diverse groups actually showcase a microcosm of the mainstream stranglehold on what you’re allowed to look at: only women. However, as Filament Magazine editor Suraya Singh said on Kink On Tap episode 18:

One thing I find with photographing men is that the more you do it, the more beautiful you see the male body as. The more you look at the male body, the more potential you see in it. […] The reason, I think, why people believe that women are naturally more beautiful is because that’s what we see all the time and we’re just so used to thinking through that lens.

(Skip to 1 hour, 18 minutes and 55 seconds for the quote.)


Update: I received a supportive note from the photographer and thought it would be nice to share it:

Hi! I'm J. Isobel De Lisle. Just found that you featured one of my photos on your page. Have to say, of all the random blogs my stuff seems to be ending up on today, I really love yours. Such a lovely, well thought out write up on one of my personal favorite photographs I've taken. Keep rocking!

Especially considering how much criticism is directed at me personally, and this site in particular, I feel immensely grateful when artists or photographers whose work I like take the time to write me with encouraging remarks. It means more than you know. Thank you for creating imagery like this, J. Isobel De Lisle, and thank you for writing me.

[ Posted Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:59:56 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph, solo

A blindfolded man looks upwards as he sits naked in partial cover by shadow.

This photograph was suggested by heartbreaknympho. I fancy it because the lighting is superb and I’m oddly intrigued by that purplish haze at the corner of the frame. But of course, I also love the bare hint of a smile on the model’s face. When combined with his open posture leaning back on his hands and his raised face, it’s as if he somehow knows he’s being looked at, and admired.

I like this implicit storyline because it’s frustratingly rare to find any modern media, imagery or otherwise, in which men not only are the erotic subject but also look as though they’re enjoying that role. Contrary to what many people think, the absence of sexualized depictions of men in today’s mainstream outlets is an anomaly of our time born from unnaturally rigid and culturally-defined gender roles; it has few equivalents in historical work. In fact, as the consistent theme of Saint Sebastian in suggestions to this site showcase, throughout history artists have highlighted the beauty of the male form in myriad diverse ways.



(via britisshameless)

[ Posted Mon, 30 Nov 2009 23:50:45 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph, solo

In an ornate courtyard surrounded by pillars and arches, a man wearing only a steel chastity belt stands with his arms at his sides and his head bowed.

This photograph is an old one sourced from Jan Thor’s website. If you’re into sexual teasing and denial, as I am, you probably know that Jan’s website is one of the oldest about the topic. (I first found it in 1996, when I was 12.) I believe this picture is doctored; neither the man’s tattoo nor his chastity belt exist in the original photo. This version was suggested by xilefc, who wrote:

I saw your posting on Male Chastity and Orgasm Tease and Denial, then checked out your profile, which led me to MaleSubmissionArt. WOW! It made me think of a photo found on an older chastity site done by a German lady. The photo is of a male in a chastity belt from the back. His head is lowered and he appears to be in deep contemplation, perhaps as to his enforced chaste condition? Certainly it is open to interpretation, depending on one’s knowledge and/or experience with male chastity. As someone who has worn full s/s CBs since 1993 (unfortunately not 24/7), I find this photo a real turn on.

Although I think that Jan is actually a man, I share xilefc’s excitement for this image. Chastity play, as it’s often called, happens to be an extraordinarily popular kink and yet it remains surprisingly undiscussed in real-world gatherings, particularly BDSM groups. Further, the name itself is a bit of a misnomer. The word “chastity” contains heavy implications of morality and even religion, which don’t necessarily have anything to do with this kind of sex, no matter your spiritual beliefs. A better name is orgasm control, since the entire so-called chastity fetish is really a fetish for the intersection of power dynamics and sexual pleasure.


[ Posted Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:48:51 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, narrative, photograph, solo

The KinkForAll blue and white flame-in-flame icon.

This Saturday, the fourth free, public sexuality “un-conference” that many people and I have been working on will be held in the Washington DC metro area. The event is called KinkForAll Washington DC and, quoting from the press release, aims to democratize the dissemination of sexuality information and to empower individuals to learn on their own and share their knowledge with interested neighbors and peers.

I’m extremely eager for this unconference in particular because it’s the first one held in a venue that legally solidifies the “open to the public” nature of the event. As it is a conference that invites anyone with the desire to learn or with something to contribute to attend and speak at, the information made freely accessible there has always been and should always remain available to any person who seeks to have it, regardless of their race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic class, educational level, or age.

Below is the 411 on the event itself. To help us spread the word, please reblog this post and/or crosspost the announcement below to mailing lists, or send it to groups and friends you feel might be interested. Thank you, and I hope to see you on Saturday!


KinkForAll is an ad-hoc educational unconference about the convergence of sexuality with the rest of life for anyone and everyone. It is 100% free and open to the public. Anyone with the desire to learn or with something to contribute is welcome and invited to participate.


What: A free and highly social day of sexuality education and discussion.
Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking and learning about all things that sexuality relates to in their lives.
When: November 21st, 2009 at 10:30 AM
Where: Montgomery County Executive Office Building at 101 Monroe Street, Rockville, MD (5 min walk from Rockville Metro station)
Who: Everyone
How much: FREE (as in beer as well as freedom)


KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of all persuasions to share and learn in an open environment. It is a fast-paced event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)

ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.

Anyone can lead a session, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, facilitate a discussion, or read a poem. The goal is to start a conversation, make connections (and maybe even friends), and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.

Learn more about what to expect at

Learn more about the event guidelines at

This activity is not sponsored by, associated with, or endorsed by Montgomery County Public Schools or Montgomery County Government.

Get Involved
We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating.

Here’s how:

1. Get excited by reading fellow participants’ topic ideas on

2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants

3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing

4. Show up!

Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at

or email for more details.

KinkForAll Online
Participate online before the event at your favorite social networking web site:


All organizational efforts are coordinated in public via the mailing list. Join for free and help turn ideas into realities!

[ Posted Sun, 15 Nov 2009 23:19:15 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize

A leashed man looks up at the person holding his leash, who’s pulling on the leash itself rather than its handle.

This lovely photograph taken by Christian Geier of the photoclub Unterbelichtet! in Bonn was suggested by Ranai. I seem to recall this image crossing my radar before but it hasn’t turned up in a cursory search of this site’s archives. This isn’t a particularly striking or evocative image for me, but it’s certainly rather pretty and I greatly appreciated Ranai’s thoughts:

I like the attentive expression on his face, the form of his shoulder, the beautiful form of his neck. Intimacy and connection are visible even while the people portrayed are playing with physical distance.

I also think the picture showcases intimacy and connection, which is why I find the photographer’s title of the image, Freak on a Leash, not only misrepresentative but also off putting. I don’t see anything freaky about this picture, and while some might insist that a man on a woman’s leash is freaky, I remain unconvinced by such an easily variable explanation; "normal" is anything but.


[ Posted Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:57:10 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph

A man stands with his jeans pulled down below his ass and his hands bound behind his back. The rope used in the arm-and-body tie passes between his ass cheeks.

This photograph was suggested (and I think also taken) by Ferns, who calls the tie a dragonsleeve, and provided this lovely explanation:

This photo depicts my first attempt at any sort of rope bondage. My submissive patiently stayed in position while I played with the rope and when I was done, he looked impossibly masculine and pretty. I love the strong hands and forearms, the power in the fists, defiance even, and the suggestive way that the rope slides between his arse cheeks is delicious. I was also particularly taken with the jeans, not off, but slid down, like I couldn’t wait for him to take his pants off before I started on him.

It’s really heartwarming to hear about experiences like these, which hint at obvious pride and joy and love. There’s certainly much to be proud of in this image, even though the rope work (and possibly the modeling experience) was a first attempt! Moreover, it’s extraordinarily important to feel comfortable learning and making mistakes; trial and error and using one’s imagination are astonishingly underrated methods of education—and play, too!

I also like this image and Ferns’ description because it reminds me that bottoms can be excellent teachers, that we can facilitate learning and exploration and fun, and that our party to an experience can make or break it for ourselves and our partner(s). In other words, it takes two to tango. Despite the lauded fantasies, consensual sexual experiences are never solely about a top’s desires. That’s called abuse, and remembering the distinction is much more than merely a responsibility to ourselves, it’s a responsibility we all have towards everyone else, as well.


[ Posted Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:16:48 ]


Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph, solo

A man’s wrists are bound using a simple belt.

I like the focus of this simple photograph: a man’s torso, hands loose and held in front his body, tied with what is presumably his own belt. Perhaps moments ago that belt was encircling his waist in the belt loops of his jeans. Now that it’s binding his wrists, are his pants going to be removed next? I’m a very big fan of pervertible toys like these. They’re not only inexpensive, effective, and often very comfortable, they also embody the spirit of freedom and accessibility that I hold so dear.

This picture is also an interesting one because it clearly demonstrates a very fundamental aspect of human desire: it’s simple. Ritual, tradition, or ceremony need only be associated with sex if you want it to be. It is okay for desire to just be; there’s nothing wrong with a desire devoid of reason or morality, desire that merely exists. No matter what authority figures in your life want you to believe—be they your religion, your parents, your government, or your teachers—human sexuality, desire, and emotion doesn’t have to adapt to its surroundings.

If you maintain a basic respect for others, there’s nothing wrong with adapting your surroundings to fit your desires.



(via eugiee)

[ Posted Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:51:29 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph, solo

Two men in pajamas kiss in front of a bed. One of the men is cuffed at the wrists with heavy leather buckles which are themselves attached to his thighs, where more leather buckles are closed over his sleepwear.

No doubt this is an interesting picture, despite being relatively tame. I like it because, in my mind’s eye, rather than imagine that the photograph is depicting something illicit or strange, I imagine it as being something aboveboard and commonplace. Although people’s attraction to taboo is frequently mentioned, I posit that the excitement of “forbidden fruit” is the icing, not the cake. By the same token, an image like this therefore reads to me as being about comfort, not restriction.

Sleeping in certain forms of bondage is actually very comfortable for me, yet I’ve done so on fewer occasions than I’d have liked to. (That’s partly due to the risk; it’s safer to sleep while tied up when you’re sleeping next to an unrestrained partner you trust.) In these instances, the bondage is not about eroticization, but relaxation. When I’m in a comfortable space and in the company of people I trust, being tied up can be extremely soothing. Why limit yourself by judging an activity (such as “bondage”) in only one way (such as “erotic”) when we’re often much more complex than that?



nice pajamas … but why is one guy's hands bound behind his back?

[ Posted Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:57:18 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, homosexual, photograph

A thin, winged man kneels in front of another winged man holding a sword. The kneeling man’s head rests directly over the genitals of the standing man.

This is a striking photograph largely for its layered imagery and intense symbology. Of course, the picture is of winged humans but, beyond that, the opposing colors of the men’s wings (white in the case of the kneeling man, black for the upright man), their stances, and the ornate sword in the picture all provide elements with which to compose a compelling narrative. Do you see religious references, a mythological one, or a cultural one here? All of these contexts can and often do have certain power dynamics at work in them.

I’m most clearly reminded of the phrase “blind faith” because I think the kneeling man’s eyes are closed. Although such absolute surrender to a force external to oneself can be a sexy thought, especially for those of us who enjoy giving up control in a sexual context, the reality is that submission isn’t about blind faith. While elements of faithfulness often play a part in a relationship where dominance and submission are explored healthily, to be competent at the act of submission requires a great deal of knowledge not only of oneself, but of one’s dominant partner(s). This isn’t knowledge that’s possible to acquire without deliberate and genuine communication from all parties involved.




male:CameraObscura - Ekaterina Zakharova (photographer)

[ Posted Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:48:12 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, homosexual, narrative, photograph

A man is bound, gagged, and laid across train tracks as a young woman holding her finger to her lips scampers away from him.

This photograph depicts the classic damsel-in-distress scenario, complete with (hopefully satirical) sorry bondage, only with its traditional gender roles reversed. Rather than the woman playing the role of helpless victim and the man being shown as the violent aggressor, it’s the male model who looks down the length of train tracks helplessly while the woman acts like the mischievous villain. The image reminds me of the countless similar scenarios I witnessed on TV and in Hollywood movies, but this time, finally, I don’t have to flip the genders around in my head to relate to it like I have to do with most porn.

Outlets for such role reversal are actually more common than most people think. This past weekend was Halloween, which I often view with scornful cynicism, but which also might provide a rare opportunity for people to experiment with otherwise socially taboo feelings. When I can push past the frustrations I have with constantly seeing women’s costumes sold as slut-wear and men’s intentionally ridiculous cross-dressing (I’m not “cross-dressing” when I do this) I can understand that, for some, Halloween can be the perfect cover to use to explore gender variance safely in public.



a fantasy of more than a few girls I'm sure … and I've got a former boyfriend who I could happily do the same (not really!)

[ Posted Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:56:17 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph

Two young men are intricately bound together; the tips of their tongues are each pierced to one end of a short length of chain. One man is naked save for a posture collar and shackles around his ankles, the other dressed in a revealing leather outfit chained to the naked man’s collar.

This drawing immediately resonated with me in a way few others have because the particular bondage predicament these men are in made me stop to imagine what it might be like to experience it. Good erotica is by definition material that invokes one’s imagination, and imagination is the tool with which one fantasizes. It’s therefore unsurprising that when pornography gets me thinking it gets me turned on, and when pornography is trite or when it’s rote it feels like a waste of time at best, and sexist insults at worst.

Images similar to this one, commonly referred to as yaoi and typically thought to be catering to womens’ interests, were some of the very first erotic artwork I enjoyed as an adolescent boy. They gave me submissive sexual narratives I could identify with and desperately wanted to find in the sea of derogatory implications about masculinity I had been drowning in, but also provided a measure of legitimacy for my homosexual desires in a context where the (supposedly female) implicit viewer actually appreciated that facet of my sexuality. For a questioning bisexual teen like I was at the time, the importance of this appreciation from multiple genders can not be understated.



[ Posted Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:53:20 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, digital art, homosexual

A man is stripped by a group of women who lewdly pull at his clothes and grope his body.

I thought this image was intriguing for a number of reasons. It’s plainly sexy; the guy is a hunk and his expression of surprise, concern, or fear is—in a sexualized context—simply beautiful.

In a world where deeply-engrained sexism decrees that women are not allowed to look at men, the aggressive sexual advances of this group of women on this one man flips traditional sexual representations on its head. Also noteworthy is that, unlike many pictures that try to do this, in this one the women are almost all entirely clothed. However, lazily flipping genders around doesn’t solve the problems of sexism.

As interesting as this photograph is in that sense, it stops short of being a solely positive portrayal because, at least in the case of the woman masturbating herself between the man’s legs, some of the women seem to be wearing prison uniforms. Are they convicts? Are only women who society rejects capable of being the desirous partner for sexual relations? If so, maybe it’s time we reengineered our society.


(via Ireen’s Gaze (derekisme:).)

[ Posted Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:57:07 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, photograph

A shirtless man kneeling on a bed holds a hanger whose clip is pinching his nipple.

This photograph was suggested by Stefanie, who wrote:

Just have a look at the guy's gaze. He looks innocent and guilty at the same time. I wonder what about the story behind his picture…. I really like that he uses a clothes hanger to pinch his nipple. It's very nice to see how creative people are when they do a session. Many doms and subs go shopping in Do It Yourself shops instead of buying some expensive stuff online. I also noticed that the picture quality is not professional. It looks like a private picture.

Somehow, it took me a number of glances to realize that the man in this image was using a clothes hanger as a nipple clamp, but now that I see it I absolutely love the idea. So-called “pervertibles” like clothes hangers, simple day-to-day objects that can be made sexual with ease, are a testament to resourcefulness. Regardless of the vicious and often violent attempts to stop sex from happening, sexual expression is simply a part of being human; to deny it is to deny our humanity.

I like the clothes hanger especially because it’s one of those things that simply won’t be suspect. No matter how irrational or how repressive (and oppressive) our society becomes, no one will look twice at a couple in a department store purchasing clothes hangers. Moreover, this kind of toy is proof that kink isn’t rooted in accoutrement like dress or presentation, but rather in intention and interpersonal connection. Your sexuality is not about how you look, it’s about how you feel.


[ Posted Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:53:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph, solo

Wearing his shirt pushed down to his waist, a man stands before a bed. His head is bowed and his long red hair is pulled over one shoulder.

This photograph was suggested by Madam Harkonnen, who wrote:

I get a strong sense of narrative in this light, poised photograph: the cloth tangling his arms in a suggestion of things to come; his hair just brushed aside to bare his shoulder for someone, and long enough to wrap around his neck.  Now he's just waiting with elegant composure for a word or a touch…waiting for the storm to break over him.

This picture strikes me as almost more angelic than most images depicting angels do. The white light, clothing, and bed linens set a simple but, in the absence of much else, surreal tone. However, it’s the model that carries the image.

The man’s hair is especially worthy of note because, while I think its length is beautiful on him, it’s also transgressive. In some religions, long hair is often thought to be appropriate only for women, as this Christianity-inspired article showcases, saying that Men should look like men, and women should look like women. God is not interested in, nor does He accept, “unisex.” While god may not be interested in gender presentation, I am, because not all cultures, or religions, agree on what is manly or womanly. Moreover, as gender isn’t a dichotomy, it’s very possible to mix gender signals of one kind with signals of another, resulting in additive gender.


[ Posted Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:35:53 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, narrative, photograph, solo

Laying on his back with his shirt unbuttoned, a man is almost kissed by the woman on top of him. One of the woman’s hands threatens pinching the man’s nipple.

This photograph was suggested by Ranai, who had this to say about it:

This is the super secret way of Empty Hand BDSM: It overcomes lovers or play partners and there’s no time to grab any utensils. It can be done spontaneously when the energy flow attacks, no preparation needed. :)

I (think I) can see what Ranai is getting at here; a lack of classically “kinky” iconography makes this couple look very “vanilla” (as if kink and vanilla were an actual dichotomy—they’re not). Nevertheless, and thus surprisingly for some, the woman’s assertive position can clearly project dominance and by the same token, the man’s receptive pose can clearly project submissiveness in the minds of people who look for it. In this sense, the woman shown here, in her comfortable sweater sliding off her shoulder, is sending far and away more dominant signals to me than any leather-clad, whip-wielding so-called dominatrix could ever hope to achieve.

False dichotomies, like “kinky” and “vanilla,” are rampant in our society. Although dichotomies can be useful (and sexy), most have their limitations because they are by definition limited to two non-overlapping parts. Imagine an emotional dichotomy: you could be either happy or sad, but never melancholy, wistful, joyous, jubilant, sorrowful, contended, or elated. Although throwing away the gradations of a thing, like emotions, would make for a simpler existence, it would also cease to be a human experience.

Outdated dichotomies, such as the binary gender illusion, reinforce ideas that are not representative of our diverse reality. Although I regularly call myself a submissive guy, I’m not always submissive. Similarly, don’t let its family-friendly facade fool you; Disney has been on the cutting edge of gender-bending for as long as I can remember.


[ Posted Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:59:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

At the edge of a cliff, a nude man on his hands and knees sporting red skin, horns, and a devil’s tail is anally penetrated by another man who stretches wings on his back.

This digital picture was generously contributed by Kelly. Beyond being a beautifully drawn piece, I can tell that Kelly put some thought into it because, in his contribution, he wrote:

I am a gay man, and every now and then I create digital erotic/pornographic art as part of my personal journal of homosexual men. When I saw your site, this piece came to mind because here I explore something that I thought was interesting. The angel being the aggressor and the devil being the submissive. The other way around would have been fairly an obvious thing to depict—I think. But, this gave it a twist that made for an interesting visual.

Spend mere moments looking at erotic imagery, and you will find religious imagery. Catholic school girls in their ostensibly “modest” outfits, eroticized crucifixions, and sexy and seductive devils or innocent and virginal angels.

The dominant religion of Western civilization, Christianity, has appointed angels and devils as symbols of good and evil, respectively. Considering traditional Christianity’s sex-negative views, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to guess whether the devil or the angel is the symbol more commonly associated with sex. This religion’s pairing of sex and sin therefore unsurprisingly makes devils and angels common characters in sexual narratives.

When sexualized, angels are often depicted as being violated, their presumed innocence and virginity stripped from them at the hands of a devil. But this is tiresome. Why should sexual aggression be forever outcast to the realm of evil? Consensual sexual aggression is precisely what I seek from others in my pursuit of happiness. Why should we try to aspire to the sexual sterility that virginity embodies? (Can we say “virgin/whore dichotomy,” everyone?)

What’s more, beyond the religious role reversal, I enjoy the fact that Kelly’s subjects are both male—possibly gay. Extremist Christian views on homosexuality embody the very evil they claim to fight. They are so disrespectful to fundamental human rights that, like Martin Luther before him, Bishop Spong published a manifesto last week, in which he wrote:

I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. […] I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote.

Inclusivity and diversity is, indeed, the path of God. Whether struggling against homophobia, religious persecution, gender bias, or adultism, we would do well to remember that every person on Earth is born free and equal in dignity and rights.


[ Posted Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:44:00 ]

Tagged with: digital art, homosexual

A man lays on a bed atop an electric guitar wearing a shirt and a scant underthing.

This photograph was suggested by gravity, who writes to say that:

This is a picture of Brian Molko, singer in Placebo. I particularly like the obviously stylised pose—I like to think he is not asleep but waiting for someone, or letting them watch him like this, arranged for the pleasure of that person. I find the pose both erotic and submissive, even if it was meant as a magazine photo.

Since I apparently live under a rock, I’ve never heard of this singer or band before, but I share gravity’s sentiments about the picture. I especially like Brian’s legs and the way his underwear gives us a peek, but not much more than that, at his ass. This is an image that has gotten me wondering what uses I could come up with for guitars, other than listening to sounds they make.

Music is one of those strange things that people can relate to, but don’t always know why they relate to it. Like poetry or good photography, the same sounds can inspire a hundred different interpretations from a hundred different people. On the other hand, fantasies are very rarely shared experiences, so it takes a lot of effort to share them with loved ones.


[ Posted Sun, 18 Oct 2009 03:36:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white, solo, submission

A shirtless man whose hands are tied at the back of the chair he is sitting on slouches carefully as a woman straddling him kisses his neck while pointing a large automatic (paintball) gun at his temple.

Here's a photograph that, for many, could be very disturbing. I find it amazingly sexy because it's one of the few images I've ever seen that so clearly focuses on a sexualized and extreme power disparity. This isn't merely an image depicting risk, it's a picture that actively references the ability of one person to control the life and death of another.

Despite the fact that power is at the center of sexual practices like BDSM, we suffer from a dearth of deep understanding of the topic. One of the nuances of power theory frequently misunderstood is the distinction between intentional power gradations and coercive power imbalances. In the former, people intentionally create circumstances to distribute power unequally. Examples of these situations may include teacher/student, employer/employee, and D/s relationships. In the latter, people unintentionally enter circumstances of unequal power distribution strong enough to hinder their ability to make choices free of negative repercussions. Examples of these situations may include peer pressure, unhealthy parent/child relationships, and rape.

Whenever you discuss a situation that involves power (and they all do…) it's extremely important to identify which kind of power is at work. Mistaking one for the other is a root cause of abuse in relationships, discriminatory laws, and perpetuating fear.



(via wonderlandcode831)

[ Posted Sat, 17 Oct 2009 02:55:50 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, bondage, photograph

A collared man with red hair and no shirt kneels at the feet of a woman whose boots rest on his thigh and whose arm rests on his shoulder. Heavy chain leashes the man to a hitching ring in a nearby stone wall.

This picture was drawn and digitized by Sara Eileen. It isn’t one that, at this juncture, I am prepared to speak about. Perhaps one day I will unpack the original, which sits wrapped in protective covering on one of my new apartment’s bookshelves. In the mean time, it still evokes too much sadness to discuss here. For now, I’ll simply enjoy the talent and beauty evident in the piece, while continuing to look to the future.


[ Posted Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:55:33 ]


Tagged with: bondage

A naked man crouches in a bathtub underneath the spray of shower water. A large tattoo is emblazoned on his right arm, and he carries a large golden chain slung over his shoulder.

This intriguing photograph was suggested by caitiff. I think it’s sexy because despite the conspicuous accoutrement (what exactly is that chain doing there?), the picture clearly attempts to depict fear and vulnerability. The man is furrowing his brow, sinking into the corner of the bathtub, pulling his knees to his chest, and holding his head in his arms.

Fear is powerful. For many people, power is sexy. Thus, using fear as an erotic tool is not uncommon for anyone who chooses to eroticize power. Like any tool, it can be put to use in numerous ways and, unfortunately, some of the ways people use fear is actively malicious. Fear is a major instrument through which religious zealots, conservative hypocrites, and even your own communities, will attempt to coerce you into maintaining a status-quo that may not be acceptable to you.

Don’t be fooled by these charades. When you understand a thing, you can effectively change it. This is why “knowledge is power.” This is why I am so committed to freeing sexuality information.


[ Posted Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:52:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, solo

Wearing only a fishnet shirt, a young man is strung up to the rafters of a plain white room in purple ropes.

This picture is striking because it’s just not what I’d expect to see, and I like that. Although I happen to have a particular attraction to asses and so I find myself remarkably unable to look away from this man’s behind, the most interesting thing about this photograph to me is the man’s muscular arms covered in his fishnet shirt. The juxtaposition of hard muscle underneath transparent clothing is particularly arousing. (Also, frankly, I have no idea why he’s wearing a noose, and I kind of wish he wasn’t, because this image is too stylized for the context in which I can find a noose hot to exist.)

In one of the previous reblogs of this picture, the author writes, “I would secretly wear this [fishnet shirt].” I imagine I would too (although I don’t think I’d look quite so good in it). That said, I’d have more fun if I didn’t keep it a secret; having a place in which to do things like that is important, as it’s a vehicle for self-expression.




FAVORITE HUNKS & OTHER THINGS - Favorite Pic of the Day for July 17th

[ Posted Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:57:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, solo, bondage

A young man tethered by ropes strains to give a blowjob to a shirtless man standing in front of him, holding his erect penis in his hands.

This photograph was suggested by Johnboy. I enjoyed his description because it was from the point of view of the kneeling man, much as mine is. Johnboy wrote:

I like the dichotomy of the picture, he is so eager to give his mate pleasure, but his mate is only eager to bind him. The look on the dominant [man’s] face is just so in power. It is just very erotic.

I like this picture a lot because the clearest thing about it is how tangible desire, that often nebulous and indescribable force, seems to be. That’s why I don’t think the dominant man is “only eager to bind” the submissive one, as Johnboy indicated. Instead, he seems intent on teasing out as much sexual desire from the tied man as he can, going so far as to keep his own penis out of reach of those wanton lips.

Fellatio is a particularly fascinating, and oft-misunderstood, sexual act. Many self-described feminists believe that giving blowjobs are inherently submissive actions, thus betraying their utter ignorance when it comes to issues that intersect power and sex. Would you agree that kissing can be physically stimulating for the person actively doing the kissing? If so, why would this not be true for fellatio? It's no wonder so many people enjoy making out and giving their lovers head.

The fact that giving a blowjob can be a submissive act, as it seems to be in this photograph, doesn’t inherently make it one any more than the fact that a woman’s breasts can be sexualized doesn’t inherently make them so.


[ Posted Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:18:00 ]


Tagged with: homosexual, bondage, photograph, submission

In a bed, a young man is penetrated by an unidentifiable creature who appears from the beddings sporting tentacles and five-fingered hands or claws.

I really enjoy fantastical imagery, so (I’ll admit) I’ve always had a thing for tentacle porn. I particularly like this drawing, in which the tentacles and hands that are penetrating the boy appear to sprout from his bedsheets. Combined with the purple coloring of the image, this gives me the eery impression of a dream.

Fantasy, at least when we are able to distinguish it from reality, is an extremely expressive, powerful thing. Indeed, while the modern variant of tentacle porn depicted here originated as a means to circumvent Japanese censorship, the notion of intercourse with tentacled creatures appeared long before the advent of Japanese animation (“anime”). Although such imagery could easily have been seen as porn by a foreign viewer, the artist’s intent could just as easily have been a cultural exposition.

No matter how bizarre, how fringe, or how socially unacceptable certain sexual expression is, it’s nevertheless a fundamental factor in how humans have always interacted with the world. If you were to eradicate erotica, you’d erase human history. For instance, not to put too fine a point on it, the first Polaroid instant camera was nicknamed “The Swinger,” and this was no coincidence.


(via downboy)

[ Posted Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:51:00 ]

Tagged with: solo, digital art

Reaching around a smaller boy sitting with his back to her chest and his wrists tied, a woman brings the young man to orgasm with her hand while licking his neck.

This is one of my favorite images of all time, one I’ve kept a local copy of for years because I like it so much. I like the usual details that make this picture excellent; her curled toes, the way his head seems just slightly turned to one side, the realness of their body’s shapes and a lack of stereotypical anime exaggeration. But the real reason why I like it so much is because it was formative: I first saw this picture when I was a teenager, probably no older than 14. I immediately identified with the boy in this drawing and the image was so instantly—and inexplicably—arousing that it still viscerally effects me when I look at it today.

Both the image and the personal story I wrote about it could also be disturbing to some, probably because the guy involved is younger than they are comfortable with. In this picture, he does look younger to me. As an adolescent when I first saw it myself, this fact made me that much more able to personally identify with it, which was a key step to understanding and developing my sexuality in a safe and healthy way.

Appallingly, people in positions of power, such as adults, have built an environment so filled with terror of their own and others sexuality that young adults are increasingly likely to not only be barred from safe exploration of sexuality of their own and their peers’, but actively prosecuted and sent to prison for it. What’s so striking about the issues involved with creating safe places for children, teens, and adolescents to learn about sexuality is that the fears and concerns that it raises invariably highlights other deeply-rooted biases. For example, this Citizens for Change article asks:

After a 17-year-old boy had sex with his 14-year-old girlfriend, he was charged with a felony for statutory rape. When a 17-year-old girl in the same town committed the same crime, she was charged with far less. Was the boy the victim of gender bias?

Especially when it comes to ageism, there is a very poorly defined line between discrimination and guidance and it seems that no matter the circumstance, one form of discrimination fuels another. So if you can spot one “ism” at work, not only are there probably others as well, congratulate yourself, because you’ve just uncovered discrimination.


(via plainnasty)

[ Posted Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:20:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, digital art

A man in a leather jacket and jeans lifts the hem of his shirt far enough above his torso to reveal a tattoo of four Chinese ideographs.

This photograph was suggested by Miss Jaye (aka BBW Switch), and though she admits that “there is nothing blantantly submissive about this photograph,” I liked it well enough because her interpretation of the photo grew on me. Miss Jaye writes:

[W]hen I look at it I see a male, who is completely dressed, submitting to a request to show the tattoo under his shirt. I mean, why else would a fully clothed male lift only the corner of his shirt unless it was being requested? His lifting his shirt seems to be an intimate gesture and the look on his face a question for approval, there seems to be a shyness in his actions. Did he also get the tattoo at someone's request? Is this the first time it has been seen by that someone?

I can see what Miss Jaye is talking about here (only, I’d have called him “a fully grown man,” not “a fully grown male”). This picture certainly allows some degree of interpretation, which is one of the hallmarks of a good photograph.

I also think it’s unsurprising that this image comes from a site featuring male modeling. As I’ve repeatedly discussed, it’s frustratingly unusual in most photography—including pornographic and erotic content—for men to be the object of a sexualized gaze, or even to merely feel as though they can be if they so desired. Although apparently this is still a little surprising to some, as I learned the other day when I made a guest appearance on Episode 8 of This Week In Kink, in at least many parts of modern Western culture, there’s certainly a taboo against showing too much sexuality in men’s bodies.


[ Posted Wed, 30 Sep 2009 02:26:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, black and white, solo

A man leans his head toward a woman’s open hand, with his lips slightly parted and his eyes closed.

I love this picture. What’s striking is that, despite the spartan nature of the photograph’s closeup, the viewer can see myriad stories in it. Like good poetry, which depicts richness with brevity, I can say just as much about what’s not in this photograph as what is in it. The image resonates very strongly with a deep submissive emotionality within me.

If I let my eyes rest on the woman’s lips, she looks like a compassionate heroine, perhaps rescuing a beaten and tortured man as though she were a magical healer. On the other hand, if I look on her eyes, she suddenly appears to be the reason for the man’s struggles. His face has similar effects; is he relaxing, or about to be recoiling? In this way, the photograph also highlights the simultaneous, and perhaps paradoxical, symbiosis between wanting and not-wanting, hurting and pleasuring, obeying and being freed.




sexy couple … love her thumb on his lip

[ Posted Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:26:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

Naked in a bathtub, a man kneels on all fours as his ass is struck with a large wooden paddle.

I love this man’s pose. His arched back, uneven distribution of weight on his legs and arms, and his raised ass and face show a sexual—and sexualized—freedom too rarely seen in images of men. I wish more mainstream pornography depicted the sort of physical openness this man is displaying because, for better or worse, pornography influences the way people think and act in relation to sex.

It’s an epic tragedy that the predominant conception of the way in which men feel about their submission is “humiliated,” degraded, or worthy of “punishment,” or that particular activities, like paddling or pegging, are festooned with stereotypes of shame. That’s why I’m so happy to see that absolutely no part of this image makes getting paddled seem like a retribution for this man in any way. My thanks to psychoadept for suggesting this image, which has become one of my favorites.


[ Posted Sat, 26 Sep 2009 04:20:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A naked man lays himself over the edge of a short surface, perhaps a table, covered in cloth.

This photograph was suggested by svollga, taken by a photographer named Milo. In writing to me, svollga said:

I find this picture a celebration of male submissive beauty[…. A]ll the long elegant lines of the body of a naked man, with it’s strength visible in the curves of muscles, but without any hint of aggression. The pose he’s in reminds me immediately about three things: strict kneeling pose of a sub (in a way his legs are together and toes stretched), spanking and flagellation (in a way his back and buttocks are open to anything, though untouched yet, and his right hand is grabbing the edge), and afterglow of a session (in a way his left hand is hanging limply, and his upper body looks relaxed, almost boneless). So, it’s like an epithome of submission all in one image. The style of the picture is undemonstrative, subtle and classy. I’d love to have such a picture on the wall of my living room. :)

Interestingly, while it seems that svollga’s eyes were eventually drawn to the man’s hands, what my eyes stayed focused on was the model’s legs. Pictures like this one often have me musing over the differences people with external genitalia and those without have in life and sex. To me, the closeness of this man’s knees and ankles is the most identifiable thing that makes the picture look like one of submission; the somewhat difficult pose indicates exertion, like a push up.

I often hear of sexy games in which submissive people, usually women, are ordered to keep their knees apart in a sort of invitational sexual display to their dominant partner(s). I suspect this is sexy only as a rejection of the primness of so-called polite society, in which every well-mannered lady knows she should keep her legs closed so as not to project an air of promiscuity. But I have male genitals, and keeping my legs closed would do little to hide an erection or prevent getting fondled, for instance.

As a post script, svollga also wrote:

Thank you for your site, it’s absolutely brilliant.

Thanks for the gorgeous photograph, svollga. :)


[ Posted Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:58:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white, solo, submission

A shirtless young man with long, wavy hair and an eye-mask on his forehead looks into the camera with his face directed upwards.

This image was suggested by Lady Grey (major props!), who says that it was “originally posted at Ectomo with an accompanying microfiction.”

Lifting the mask was about the worst thing we could have done, under the circumstances.

He shone. I mean, he was somehow confected…caramelian…slick, sticky, and powdery, with golden sugar dusting his lashes that shook loose into motes as he fluttered awake, fluttered and fixed us with a liquid look.

And we looked back, which was perhaps our second mistake. That shell-chocolate masklet, perched on heated brow, began to wilt, and so, for a moment, did our determination. But we remembered our hunger, and drew strength from it as we chose our knives, and the boy began to struggle.

Wow! Although it took me a few moments to piece the microfiction together with the image, it was certainly hot. The image itself, with the photograph’s levels so obviously adjusted so that the entire thing shines red, is beautiful. Beyond that, though, I wonder if I’ve ever seen a more masculinely “pretty” person in my entire life; the model is gorgeous.

One of the struggles I’ve encountered time and again in teasing apart what “pretty” looks means to me is the misunderstanding (both my own for a while and other people’s) that softness and delicacy is coupled with femininity. While the model in this photograph certainly has traits that modern Western civilization would consider more appropriate for women than for men (such as long hair), there’s very little that strikes me as “womanly” in this man’s appearance. The addition of unconventionally red lips and high cheekbones look not like a cancellation of maleness, but like an additional harmony to the masculine melody still playing loudly.


[ Posted Wed, 23 Sep 2009 23:57:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, solo, submission

A man wearing a suit and holding a trumpet rests against the chest of a woman who’s supporting his head.

This touching photograph was suggested by Wren, who wrote to say:

This is one of the most evocative pictures capturing a moment of loving submission and caretaking that I have seen in a very long time. It just so happens to be of the legendary jazz trumpet player Chet Baker, taken by William Claxton in 1955. He’s simply beautiful, and their embrace is sublime. There is nothing quite as sexy as a beautiful, extraordinarily talented and young man in a suit…. Who can forget those chiseled features while listening to him play and sing “Almost Blue” live in Tokyo?  There is a larger uncropped version of this picture, but this focus on Chet is my favorite.

Although this sort of picture isn’t particularly sexually charged, it is certainly heartwarming. Of course, while a heartwarming scene should be reason enough to depict masculine submission (submission unquestionably warms my heart), I’m more interested in Wren’s note that there “is nothing quite as sexy as a[n]…extraordinarily talented…man.”

Accoutrement like dress and age aside, competence is sexy. Though competence exists in myriad forms, only a one-sided slice of skills are acknowledged when it comes to sex. By and large, these skills are all of the so-called “active” ones; penetrating, flogging, binding—topping. Rarely are “receptive” skills—bottoming—actively considered. Perhaps this is because of the unfortunate misconception that bottoming is inherently a passive act.

Whatever the reason, and whatever the act, competency is gained through experience, practice, and questioning. It's something that's acquired not through some spontaneous or uncontrollable happenstance of luck and fate but by very deliberate efforts. In other words, you have to care about having it, or you won't.


[ Posted Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:02:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, black and white, submission

The KinkForAll blue and white flame-in-flame icon.

This Saturday, less than 2 days away, KinkForAll Boston will be held in Boston University. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that we’ve done this twice before already and you’ll hopefully forgive me for my silence here this week. KinkForAll Boston almost didn’t happen at all, but thanks to an incredible group of motivated people from all across New England, it looks like we’re going to have a great event. As before:

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. It is inspired by and based upon the BarCamp community.

Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen. Prepare in advance (if you want to), but come early to get a slot on the wall. The people present at the event will select the demos or presentations they want to see.

Anyone with something to contribute or with the desire to learn is welcome and invited to join. When you come, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

As KinkForAll Boston is the first KinkForAll outside of New York City, it seems only fitting that a major topic of conversation on the mailing list has been diverse community outreach. I’m extremely pleased to see this, as diversity is a core tenet of the KinkForAll idea, and this extends even to people who are not part of sexuality communities. I’m hopeful that these discussions will come to fruition at KinkForAll Boston.


Update: KinkForAll Boston went really well. I’ve been entrenched in other work now that I’m back in San Francisco, like going on job interviews and other boring things, but I hope to get back into posting the wonderful suggestions that have come in via the contribution page soonish. Thanks for the lovely suggestions; please keep them coming!

[ Posted Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:12:00 ]


A man wearing a suit lays underneath a similarly dressed woman who’s straddling him and taking his picture while holding onto his tie as though it were a leash.

To me, this photograph feels like walking a very fine line between showing a woman-as-object and woman-as-subject, but what makes it acceptable to put on this site—and what makes it sexy to me—is the fact that I feel the exact same way about the man. Although both of these models amplify stereotypical gender divides and the gaze of the viewer is only arguably on the man, there’s enough activity on the woman’s part along with enough passivity on the man’s to throw one’s assumptions into question. I like that.

To debate whether or not sexual objectification is a “good” thing is to misunderstand its uses and misuses, just like debating whether or not same-sex marriages amount to equal rights for gay people (hint: they don’t). Moreover, take too narrow an approach on objectification and you risk conflating its impact with its victims: people of any gender in any culture that places strong value on physical appearance suffer the same consequences.



enthusiastic photography session … I like her way of taking pictures

[ Posted Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:58:00 ]

Tagged with: black and white, photograph

A naked man wearing a studded leather collar leans forward from an X-cross to which he is shackled by his wrists. A sexually suggestive mural adorns the wall behind him.

This photograph is simply beautiful. It was suggested by Evagrias, who wrote saying:

This one caught my eye because of the mural behind him, and the fact that he seems to be really enjoying the situation. It's simple, yet complex; downplayed, but infinitely expressive at the same time. I'm an artist myself, so I like simple images that have a lot of depth like this one.

One of my favorite things about this picture is the dark wooden bookcase with obvious shelving over to the left. It adds some realism to the picture that brings the scene far enough out of the realm of untouchable fantasy to avoid my jealous scowl.

I also really appreciate Evagrias’s remark that the man seems to be enjoying himself. Indeed, he doesn’t really look distressed, but rather hopeful. It’s depressing to realize how hopeless so many people feel in relation to sex, and the possibilities for their own sexual satisfaction. The more ...abnormal,“ the more ...perverse,“ the more stigmatized and discriminated against your sexuality is, the more overwhelmed you are by just such a feeling of hopelessness.

Despite the biblical stories, forbidden fruit isn’t desired because it’s forbidden, but because it’s fruit. In other words, sex is nice, and porn is good for our society.




FAVORITE HUNKS & OTHER THINGS - Also Celebrating today July 13th

[ Posted Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:10:00 ]


Tagged with: bondage, solo, photograph

Kneeling naked on a small rug next to a dog bowl, a man faces a brick wall that has a hitching ring and chain attached to it, and presumably attached to him, as well.

This painting was suggested by Margaret, who says it’s called “Bad Dog” by FtMeyersArtist (but I can’t seem to find a link to it anywhere online). Margaret says it’s Nice to see some BDSM imagery in pastels. Notice the scratch marks on his shoulder.

I totally agree; I’ve seen comparatively few outright depictions of BDSM activity in what many people would call more “serious” or classic art forms, like painting or sculpture. Although they certainly exist, one wonders whether the stigma associated with the subject matter prevents artists from expending the enormous effort required to create physical art of that sort. I’m not sure how someone would explain away an image like this if they were painting it on a large canvas in their studio, especially when I often hear people trading tips about the best places to hide vibrators from their house guests.

Regardless of whether vibrators are in plain sight or not, the desire to share various sexual ideas is plainly evident. Naturally, the lower the costs to do so, the more it’s done. For both visual art and writing, and as you’re experiencing by virtue of this photo blog as one example, the Internet created unimaginably diverse forums for sexual expression to be shared. I think this was summed up well by Jack Stratton in his KinkForAll New York City 2 presentation on “Anonymity and Online Sex Writing,” where he says:

"I like the idea that people who wouldn’t normally write about sex and don’t have a forum [in which] to write about sex are writing about sexuality."

That’s called a revolution. It not only gives us hints about where we as a society are going, but also where we’ve been.


[ Posted Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:15:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, solo, petplay

A skinny, short-haired man kneels on a dirty floor covering his face in his hands. His naked skin is covered in dirt and appears to shine in the light.

This photograph was suggested by Ireen, who wrote to say that:

There is so much I love about this [image], I don't even know where to start. There's the position, obviously, and that he's hiding his face. I love the fact he's dirty! And I think that he has an absolutely gorgeous body. I've come across lots of people who claim that female bodies are inherently more beautiful [than] male ones, which is something I don't understand at all. The issue, I think, is rather that we don't learn to see beauty in men; that men are never even placed in that category.

But when I look at this picture, I see an incredibly beautiful man and if I have the choice between having sex with a guy who understands his appeal and someone who considers himself a ...useless ugly worm“, as so many [male-bodied] subs seem to do, I know exactly which one I'd prefer. Especially if I can make him dirty.

Ireen, I couldn’t have said it better myself. If this photo blog has become one thing, it’s a repository of “counter-culture” and even “counter-subculture” references that are actively discriminated against in more traditional media outlets. Time and again, we’re bombarded with a narrow view of masculine appeal. Far from being some insignificant anomaly, this is the sort of thing that affects men, women, and yes, even children, in ways that we’re just beginning to explore the full impact of. It’s an astonishingly poorly understood area.

And fuck, I’m not much more than a guy with a blog. For serious! Why aren’t universities all over this? And if they’re not going to do it, I have like 5 major project ideas I’d love to find time to write grant proposals for, all based around this blog. But alas…my refrigerator has been broken for a week and it turns out I also need to find a way to pay bills.

Anyway, Ireen also kindly wrote:

thank you so much for the awesome work you're doing here! The photos you post are delicious and I always very much appreciate your comments

Thank you very much for the beautiful picture, and for the encouraging words! :) (No really, the encouraging words are totally helpful.)




[ Posted Tue, 01 Sep 2009 22:48:58 ]


Tagged with: photograph, solo

A blue-eyed man in a white t-shirt is shackled and gagged with tape. The four glyphs “NO H8” are written on his cheek.

I recognize this photograph as one taken by Adam Bouska from an advertising campaign against the much-publicized Proposition 8 in (my new home state of) California. Proposition 8 is legislation that bans same-sex marriage. This photograph was suggested by Stefanie, who wrote in from Germany saying:

This picture is of Benjamin Linus from the TV show “Lost”. The actor is called Michael Emerson. It’s one my favourite submissive men picture at the moment because I really enjoy his evil character in the LOST show and seeing him tied and gagged is hot :)

I don’t know whether or not Stefanie was aware of this, but the context of the picture is one of oppression—the not-fun kind. This might make sexualizing the image somewhat uncomfortable, and some could find doing so morally appalling. How dare someone be aroused by a picture of a man working to support LGBTQ civil rights? Which doesn’t address the fact that I find working on social justice causes sexy, but let’s just move on for now.

Now, banning same-sex marriage is certainly an act of discrimination against homosexual relationships. However, I’m pretty damn soured by the notion that somehow marriage is in any way a legal right for anyone at all. Kate Bornstein said it best:

Fuck marriage equality. Fuck marriage. We’d be more in line with the US Constitution to abolish marriage altogether as a function of government. We could give everyone the rights that come with marriage, via a civil union—a union that isn’t based in gender, romance, religious belief or number of partners involved in the union. And excuse me, but marriage between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman still leaves out a LOT of people!

If what people want is rights, civil unions for everyone is the answer that wouldn’t make anyone a second class citizen. And church and state would be nice and separate. The way they’re supposed to be separate, remember?

Equality is tricky, and it gets trickier when you add to the mix people for whom narrow views of equality itself doesn’t work—people perhaps like Stefanie and like me. In the BDSM subculture, where differing expressions of power are a core part of people’s sociosexual identity, the concept of marriage is perhaps too equal, so a replacement exists:

Some people conduct formal “collaring ceremonies,” which are regarded as effectively solemnizing their relationship in a similar way as a marriage ceremony.

Clearly, marriage—and maybe even equality—as it is commonly understood today isn’t actually well understood at all. Legislating on marriage sounds just as ridiculous to me as legislating on collaring ceremonies. This is why I’m such a big fan of decoupling things from the similar but contextually irrelevant things they sometimes look like yet aren’t, such as how I can sexualize this picture of Michael Emerson without personal guilt. As it happens, this is a skill that every human being arguably exercises in both D/s and vanilla relationshipsas harperjean explains:

[B]y necessity individuals in D/s relationships view themselves and their relationship to one another through two very different, and seemingly opposed, lenses at the very same time: one in which the dominant partner has control and the submissive is not autonomous; and one in which both are fully autonomous individuals. The D/s reality depends, of course, upon the autonomous reality, which both circumscribes it and gives it life. And yet both partners must inhabit both realities at once for the relationship to work, must believe both that the submissive is free (to disobey, to renegotiate) and that he is bound. (One might say something similar about the tension between “one-ness” and “two-ness” in vanilla marriage, though obviously there are differences.)

So back to this marriage thing, one solution is simply not to deal with the complexities that the existence of people not-like-you bring to the table. Radical feminists (“radfems”) who denounce any kind of power imbalance as a construction of the patriarchy do this and, though often subtler, almost every outlet of hegemonic society does this as well. Radfems pathologize the choices of submissive women into dismissal, while mainstream media provides a frighteningly systematic misrepresentation of gender “norms” that consistently associates submissive men with unattractiveness.

Of course, if we keep doing this, then we’re right back to discrimination, and we already saw where that leads.


[ Posted Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:32:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo, bondage, submission

A handcuffed and blindfolded man lays on a bed as a woman leans over and kisses his body.

Our species is fantastically diverse, so collectively we embody myriad dichotomies: tall and short, women and men, dark-skinned and light-skinned, hairless and hairy, and dominant and submissive, are just a few. Human diversity is so vast, in fact, that it’s impossible to infer any given person’s makeup in one sphere (say, D/s) from their makeup in another (say, gender) with 100% accuracy.

Nevertheless, many people often attempt to do just that and end up acting in extremely discriminatory ways, such as the example of Rob, when he appeared as a guest in Episode 2 of the This Week In Kink podcast (a podcast produced by, surprisingly, the same people who run, with this astonishingly sexist remark:

"I firmly and strongly believe that it is a woman’s role to be submissive to a man. I believe that submission in men is taught at conception because as soon as women realize that they’re pregnant, they start planning that child’s fucking future and quite often that the mother is definitely the beginning of the emasculation. That said, I think that women in the past couple of hundred years have gotten entirely too high on their own power and eventually need to be slapped in the fucking head and put in their place."

(Skip to 34 minutes and 32 seconds for the quote.)

In fact, the entire episode was marked by shocking sexism and unimaginable gender insensitivity the likes of which I haven’t been exposed to in some time. Although it’s always incredibly disheartening to see people with whom I share some similarities act disparagingly, I can’t say it’s a surprise. It’s not a surprise because of the very diversity I spoke of earlier.

Then again, maybe all these people need is to be slapped in the fucking head and put in their place. Wait…what?


Followup (September 3, 2009): There seems to be some confusion about who this sexist remark is quoted from. To be clear, it was spoken by a guest of the This Week In Kink podcast, not by either of the hosts. One of the hosts, John Baku, argued with the guest about it. Please, if you’re going to be angry about this sentiment, as I am, be angry at the correct person. Rob, the guest who said the sexist remark I quote above, can be found at his own podcast, The Oh Team.


(via wonderlandcode831)

[ Posted Sun, 30 Aug 2009 04:35:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph

A man and a woman are kissing, each holding the other in a suggestive way.

This photograph reminds me of the phrase, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” So is submission. That’s because submission isn’t about a specific act, it’s about intentionality. Sex is the same way.

Some of us often forget this, and instead of communicating to one another about what we do, we accidentally communicate about what we are. Sadly, sexuality terminology is ill-suited to make these distinctions clear. When I talk about being “a submissive man,” my intention (usually) is to use “submissive” as an adjective and “man” as a noun but sometimes people don’t hear the adjective. Instead, they just hear the single, compound noun, “submissiveman.” This is also known as labeling.

Labels trouble some of us because to others they imply purity. Bisexual people, switches, and genderqueer people are all good examples of people who frequently find themselves straddling a very uncomfortable fence we can’t even see except through the eyes of others. That’s why, for example, there are so many people who explore bisexuality but relatively few people who self-identify as bisexual. If we can remember the difference between “what we do” and “what we are,” we might more easily discover how open-minded we can be.



(via wonderlandcode831)

This picture doesn't quite hit all my hot buttons (which are the only criteria for being on this tumblr, heh) but I found the photo worthy of a repost because it keeps me guessing. Who's the dom here, exactly? She has a good fistful of his hair, and he's wearing the cuffs and chains…but the way he's holding her face doesn't scream ...submissive“ the way most of these photos do. Have I found my first switch photo? Was that even the photographer's intent? I have no way of knowing, but I like it.

[ Posted Thu, 27 Aug 2009 23:55:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white

A naked heterosexual couple embrace in shadows.

It was the perception of action in this drawing (I think it's a computer rendering?) that made it apparent to me. I like the way he is keeping his balance with his hands far away, letting her hands reach for what she wants.

Most of the time, men are expected to take an active role in everything sexual. This makes it difficult to be inviting, since so much focus is instead on taking. The inverse is true of the way society trains women to be sexual. Out-and-out taking is demonized while inviting seduction, being attractive enough for the taking, is all but engrained into women's daily lives.

Frustratingly, BDSM doesn't actually change this. As I've remarked numerous times, even in the BDSM subculture, it doesn't matter if a man is dominant or submissive; every man is the pursuer and every woman is pursued. Recently, Figleaf restated this phenomenon more generically another way:

[A]n uninformed public arrives with its preconceptions about certain acts… especially acts related to sex…fully formed. And, as we see from concerns expressed by Matisse (one penis policy), say, or Sex Geek (topping a top), those preconceptions can bleed into actual informed practice as well…contributing to the frequent frustrated dissatisfaction of those who don't notice they're doing it and frustrated annoyance of those who do.

Indeed, as much as counter-culture currents such as BDSM, polyamory, and queer communities hope to reject certain dichotomies on which the hegemony is based, there are countless instances where they merely import the same ideals manifested in different ways.




(via wonderlandcode831)

Light and dark. Male and female. ☯

[ Posted Tue, 25 Aug 2009 23:58:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, digital art

A man wearing dirty clothes kneels in front of a stone wall, his wrists shackled above his head.

This lovely photograph was suggested by Trekker, who writes:

[T]his is probably one of my favorite images of male submission, because I have a massive, massive crush on the subject. This is a sort of playful photo taken on the set of Heroes. Adrian Pasdar's character had been captured and chained up by some bad guys, but in this photo…well…he's making the context seems very different. His eyes and his pose just kill me every time, seeming at once inviting and defensive—not least because he could, technically, be standing if he chose to be, but instead is kneeling.

Celebrity is a fascinating phenomenon. At its heart is the notion of status and at the heart of status is respect. While many men have achieved celebrity status for one reason or another, I can think of very few who’ve done so through nontraditional forms of masculinity, of which submission is perhaps the most threatening to contemporary masculine culture. That is to say that in no uncertain terms, submission in men is not respected by the mainstream. What’s most frustrating to me, however, is how this disrespect permeated even the most personal of activities; internalized disrespect and self-loathing is frighteningly common in many submissive men. It turns out that it takes an incredibly strong soul (a “Supermasochist”?) to be proud of their own submission.


[ Posted Mon, 24 Aug 2009 07:25:01 ]


Tagged with: bondage, solo, photograph

Laying on his back on a large bed, a hairy naked man spreads his legs, which are tied to his arms.

The bondage in this photograph is fantastic, and I love everything about it. That out of the way, what I actually want to focus on in this picture is the man himself and, more precisely his hair. It’s not on his head; most of it is on his chest and the rest of his body. It’s disturbingly rare to see men with visible body hair in most mainstream images of us that are designed to be sexy. Once again, only in gay media is a diverse representation of the male form actually celebrated.

Though invisible to many people, men face similar body image pressures from many sources (including pornography) just like women do. However, while the hegemonic definitions of what sexy feminine attractiveness can be are relatively broad, there is only a narrow view of beauty when the subject is male. It’s so narrow, in fact, that Hudson News will literally obscure mainstream magazine covers when a man gets to be “covergirl,” and even some women will decry diverse representations of men, citing “boys pictured are effeminate and not arousing.”


(via theonlygayinthevillage)

[ Posted Sun, 23 Aug 2009 13:18:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo, bondage

A naked man lays on a bed next to a video camera. One of his wrists is handcuffed to the headboard while his free hand holds the base of his erect penis.

When this photoblog started, it quickly became apparent that women were a large percentage of the readership. That didn’t surprise me. After all, there is an obvious dearth of good media that features men’s appearance and that sexualizes men’s bodies. That being said, there is no lack of penis imagery in media designed to titillate men. A vast array of mainstream pornography—porn expressly created for a male consumer—includes pictures of men’s erect penises. The same can be said for gay pornographic content, which not only includes but features erections, and which women often say they prefer over pornography designed for a heterosexual male customer.

So it’s no surprise, as Kristina Lloyd and Mathilde Madden report in The Guardian, that Filament Magazine, a fledgling UK-based publication “giving you gorgeous boys the way you like to see them”:

[R]esponding to reader feedback, [the magazine] had planned to include a photo set of an aroused man in their second (September) issue. […] Its printers, however, refused, citing potential objections from “the women’s/religious sectors”. […]

It’s the second major hurdle for Filament, which has already been turned down by numerous UK distributors refusing to handle a women’s magazine with a man on the cover. When set against the plethora of men’s lifestyle and top-shelf magazines featuring scantily clad and open-legged women, the struggles faced by Filament highlight a deeply entrenched sexism: men can look at women but women cannot look at men.

Despite clear and present business demand for it, the male-dominated publishing industry refuses to provide a supply of what women viewers want. Laura Woodhouse aptly observes that “straight women are bizarrely assumed to be uninterested in looking at the object of their desires.” Figleaf offers this satirical explanation:

I could see how printers might balk if they and their employees just felt uncomfortable with the notion of checking color registration with a 6x printer’s loupe. No doubt some feel similar qualms about checking myriad lady parts and yet they somehow manage to soldier on. [… S]uddenly waiving hypothetically offended women’s groups about sounds like something between projection and cowardice.

The good news is that Filament Magazine has made enough revenue to produce a second issue with a new printer. Quoting from Filament’s FAQ:

The common explanation for why women have sometimes seemed disinterested in images supposedly intended for them – the idea that “women are less visual” – has now been largely disproven.

I think Filament’s success, along with the response to sites like this one that acknowledge a female gaze, are stepping stones to more than just access to quality erotica for women, but also to a healthier and happier sexual self-expression for men.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Fri, 21 Aug 2009 23:50:00 ]


Tagged with: solo, photograph, bondage

A boy in fancy clothing holds a black rose between his teeth, his wrists chained to piping above his head. His shirt is open, revealing his hairless chest.

This photograph was suggested by Wendy Blackheart, who wrote:

I love this picture. The boy is so pretty and nicely dressed, and I love the contrast of him, looking all pretty and sharp, against the rough and dingy background. And the black rose is a great touch.

What makes the picture so attractive for me is the concerted and knowing look in the boy’s eyes. I read this look as one that says he’s exactly where he wants to be.




John Tan Casting/Styling - THOMAS ENGEL HART-Jules Hamilton/Adam

[ Posted Thu, 20 Aug 2009 23:03:15 ]


Tagged with: bondage, solo, photograph

A naked man wearing ankle and wrist cuffs lays against a solid black backdrop.

This picture seems like it's upside down for no good reason to me, but the photograph is a good one, the model is certainly sexy, and I really like the way his arms seem to be tugging against the cuffs while his legs are relaxed and spread open at the knees. That open-knee position, with the soles of my feet touching, is a position in which I sometimes feel most hedonistic and self-focused; it's also a position I like to hold my legs in when I masturbate.

Sometimes I get asked if I feel that I've ...grown as a person by exploring BDSM.“ Sure, of course I have, but the cause of my personal growth is not BDSM itself. Everything I do helps me grow as a person, regardless of what it is. I think it's terrible that the society in which I live deems many of the things people do to grow, including BDSM, worthy of endangering job prospects, physical freedoms, and even people's lives over.

Such bickering over what actions are valuable or not is a short-sighted, outdated, exclusionary, institutionalized thought process; the question shouldn't be whether or not things I choose to do make me a productive member of society but rather how to best harvest that inevitable growth. If society believes that any given person isn't fit to be a productive member capable of contribution, then we need to reengineer our society.



guy tied up

[ Posted Wed, 19 Aug 2009 12:34:05 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph, solo

The KinkForAll blue and white flame-in-flame icon.

I haven’t been able to keep posting daily here for a few weeks and, sadly, I’m afraid I’ll probably have to take yet another short break for a few days because I’m traveling once again. This Saturday, August 8th, is KinkForAll New York City 2, the second of a whole new kind of free sexuality events Sara Eileen and I began putting together while we were still in Sydney.

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants. It is inspired by and based upon the BarCamp community.

Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen. Prepare in advance (if you want to), but come early to get a slot on the wall. The people present at the event will select the demos or presentations they want to see.

Anyone with something to contribute or with the desire to learn is welcome and invited to join. When you come, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

The first KinkForAll unconference was a stunning success, with estimates of over 200 participants who spontaneously produced over 40 presentations, more than 20 of which are available in either audio or video form for free online. It made waves: I spoke about KinkForAll on the Masocast netcast and wrote about the importance I believe KinkForAll has to spearhead the evolution of sexuality communities on my blog, a post that was widely syndicated.

If you missed KinkForAll last time, KinkForAll New York City 2 hopes to be even better, with twice the capacity, and potential presentation topics such as Chris’s “Theories of Masculinity" and Adrian's “Slash fiction: amateur erotica as a response to the celluloid closet and the marginalization of women’s sexuality”. And, like last time, if you’re not able to come to New York, you can participate in real time online.

Also since last time, Sara Eileen and I have gone our separate ways, I spent months couch surfing in friends’ homes, and I moved into my new apartment in San Francisco. However, as I mentioned earlier, I’m traveling again, and so I’ll be participating in KinkForAll New York City 2 this Saturday. I hope to see you there.


[ Posted Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:59:10 ]


A man facing a mirror is pressed toward the wall as a woman pushes herself against his back and fondles him.

I’ve had this photograph in my drafts for a while, and decided to post it now as it was also suggested by Ai today, who wrote:

I love how the movement in the photograph is her leg, forcing him up to the wall with that mirror, making him look at what she sees when she's dominating him. Her hand on his cock as she whispers in his ear all the dirty things she's going to do to him and with him. How many times have I done that to my lover? Countless. And it never gets old.

This picture is eye-catching because not only is it ridiculously sexy, it’s an explicit gender role reversal: the woman is lasciviously fondling the man. Interestingly, I used to be extremely uncomfortable being touched—both sexually and otherwise—but have since grown to absolutely love getting petted, and even groped and fondled by those I’m close to. Today, physical connection and touch such as cuddling, hugging, and sexual acts make up a great deal of how I express affection.

It frustrates me that touching other people is so heavily barricaded with gendered censors. I’ve long held a deep-seated jealousy of the ease with which society accepts gentle, friendly touch between women. It seems impossible for me, as a man, to rest my head on my female-bodied or male-bodied friend’s lap (for instance) without first qualifying my actions one way or another.



Erotic Oddities - (via wonderlandcode831)

[ Posted Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:15:00 ]


Tagged with: black and white, photograph

A naked man stands against a black backdrop with red ribbon tying his wrists behind his back.

This photograph was suggested by Rua, who wrote in saying:

I was talking to a submissive male on, and his userpicture really caught my eye. […} It’s a lovely shot, and I adore how it looks as though he’s a gift for the viewer. I’m sending you the link to his profile with his permission. :)

This really is a lovely photograph, especially for a user avatar on a dating site, so thanks to both Rua and the model for sending this in. When I saw this suggestion, two things struck me.

First, as it happens I find ribbons to be extremely sexy, and yet I’m well aware that they aren’t actually used much in the BDSM communities. They’re much more often found in romance novels where dominance and submission is more emphasized than sadomasochistic behavior. Perhaps “hard-core” BDSMers consider ribbons “not kinky enough.” Maybe ribbon’s softer, sensual reputation keeps it away from public play spaces. Whatever the reason, I think the irony of bondage devices used by “vanilla” people (not limited to ribbons, by the way—scarves, and suit ties are more examples) and disregarded by many in the BDSM communities should not go understated. The incessant conflation of “harder-core” with “better” is sickening.

Second, Rua described this man as a “submissive male.” This gets my analytical linguistic brain wondering, what is the difference between a “submissive male” and a “submissive man”? Because yes, there is a difference. In point of fact, as I write often, gender is not the same as sex and the words we use to communicate are the tools with which we teach each other—and our software—about ourselves, who we are, who we like, and why.


[ Posted Sat, 01 Aug 2009 17:15:00 ]


Tagged with: bondage, photograph, solo

Standing under a spotlight in a corner, a naked man sporting an erection leans against the walls with his hands behind his back.

Sometimes it’s difficult for me to write about images without overt BDSM symbols, like this photograph. Even though I often see submissive masculinity quite clearly, it’s difficult to believe I’ll successfully convey what I see to others. This man’s pose, the placement of his hands, his downcast eyes, and his position in the corner all suggest a submissive inclination to me. However, the photograph’s focus on his turgidly erect penis is what’s most interesting about it; this image is not most people’s Platonic ideal of submissive men. This is not the sort of man, and not the sort of cock, most people think of when they think of a submissive man.

When you think of a circle, you imagine a perfectly round shape. Further, you trust that the majority of people you speak about circles with will also be imagining a perfectly round shape. Indeed, it would be difficult to have a discussion about circles if such a fundamental aspect of a circle’s Form was not widely understood. Sadly, as Tom Allen noted recently, popular understanding of submissive masculinity is all but hijacked by societal unease with the concept:

Sub/bottom males are portrayed in the media as whiney, weak, worthless cross-dressers, and generally it's done for laughs. [… S]uch negative attitudes affect us, the kinksters. […] Trying to explain what I like or feel to [my wife] gets lost when she does an internet search and the first (and the majority of!) images she sees are Mistress Cruella and her sissified sissy slut. Totally not her—nor her idea of who she wants to be, nor of who she wants me to be. And while things are better between us now, it was very difficult to explain anything to her when the first images that popped into her head were of those groveling ...worthless worm“ types of men, and the overly dramatic ...Crawl, you little bitch!“ vinyl clad dommes.

In reality, there is no perfect submissive man just as there is no perfect circle. However, just as the idea of a perfect circle is widely understood, I wish a popular understanding of many mens’ submission were informed by the realities of more submissive men.






[ Posted Fri, 31 Jul 2009 17:36:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo

Resting on the ground, curled into a fetal position, a naked man is tied with thick twine at his ankles and wrists.

This photograph piqued my interest because of how calm the model looks. Sometimes being placed in bondage is relaxing, soothing, and comforting. This is an arresting notion for some people since being physically restrained is so often associated with distress and vulnerability. To me, such reactions betray assumptions about how people relate to and interact with the physical world around them.

Being tied up does not necessarily have to be coupled with being in distress, or even feeling sexual. Have you ever been frustrated with something and found that merely getting up to walk around the block made you feel better? Simplistically, this works because you changed something about your physicality. I’ve used bondage in a very similar way, asking to be tied up for no other than reason than to put my mind and my body at ease.

In fact, I’ve found that I’m sometimes most receptive to sexual advances when I have first relaxed enough with non-sexual bondage to let my mind actually focus on the sex instead of the frustrations du jour.



all tied up

[ Posted Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:58:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo, bondage

A muscular man is gagged with fabric between his mouth and bound with ropes encircling his waist and wrists.

I really like this photoraph. I like it a lot. Admittedly, a gag across one’s mouth like that doesn’t actually muffle speech very well at all, and I have a pet peeve against movies wherein damsels in distress fake being unable to speak when they’re gagged in this way. (Trust me, I can speak just fine with fabric parting my lips.)

That said, thanks largely to Hollywood, the aesthetic of this sort of gag is doubtless one of the most culturally engrained symbols of the helpless, innocent victim and so there is a certain emotional attachment many people have to it. In particular, I enjoy finding a picture where a male model can so accurately exemplify the role of damsel in distress, which is typically reserved for female-bodied people in heterosexual circumstances or effeminate men in homosexual ones.


(via ireensarrows)

[ Posted Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:52:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph, solo

A shirtless man wears a collar made of heavy chain padlocked around his neck.

This image is one from Glen Mitchell’s fetish photography portfolio, suggested by Trekker, who deserves thanks for pointing it out to me. I like the contrast of vulnerability and strength that Scott, the model in this photograph, shows through his body language. The slightly hunched shoulders, the relaxed facial expression, and the open pose combined could speak volumes about gentleness and sensitivity.

At the same time, the chain collar at his neck is almost ridiculously large and thick. Chain is a favorite restraint for many people, and one of mine as well. The strength of the metal can either make me feel equally strong as though by some miracle of emotional osmosis, or it can make me feel much smaller, softer, and more yielding by its incongruity.


[ Posted Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:59:00 ]

Tagged with: solo, black and white, photograph

In an empty brick room, a naked man kneels on hardwood floors, stretching his arms above him.

A few things about this picture help me project submission into the narrative I see here. Obviously, the fact that he’s kneeling is one. Another is how empty the space around him is. It’s desolate, and simple—spartan. It makes the entire picture about him, and therefore in my fantasy it makes him the sole purpose of that room, the sole provider of activity and comfort and pleasure for the (dominant) viewer.

The fact that he appears to be stretching or exercising is the other thing I can use to project submission here. I like fantasies in which I am a possession, and therefore treated as a valuable, precious thing, free of the pressures of real life, but no relationship can survive on one-way streets; taking care of oneself is one’s own responsibility. Moreover, as Bitchy Jones recently asked,

why don't submissive men dedicate themselves to looking hot? Like, a lot. What could be more submissive than that?



morning exercises

[ Posted Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:03:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, narrative, solo

A man at the edge of a bed gives oral sex to his partner, whose hands are stroking his head.

This picture shows how beautiful a man giving head can be. With the insane overabundance of imagery depicting women giving oral sex in pornography, it's extremely refreshing to see a photograph of a man giving oral sex shot from the same angle as most blow job pictures. Most blow job pictures frustrate me because they reduce the man to a penis, a sexist stereotype of masculinity. I was so uncomfortable with the associations of men receiving oral sex from women that it was not until I reached my 20's when I first felt good about getting head.






[ Posted Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:32:58 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph

A man in a suit is blindfolded with his tie as another man also dressed in a suit holds the back of his head and leans down to place his mouth near the blindfolded man’s ear.

This is a fantastic photograph for all the reasons soft-core erotica can be sexy: the narrative exposed by the picture rather than the visual stimulus of the image itself. This picture is great in all the ways artsy-fartsy photographs are not. (And look, no monochrome necessary!)

Another noteworthy point in this image is the use of the man’s suit tie as a blindfold. I own three ties, and though I ostensibly purchased them for work I would much rather use them as sex toys. Many facets of menswear can be extremely useful bondage, ties and belts chief among them.



well dressed lovers

[ Posted Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:31:07 ]

Tagged with: homosexual, photograph, narrative

A naked man is bound in thick straps, clothespins lining his scrotum and a sex toy in his ass, as his penis’s erect length is measured by another man in medical attire.

Although I like this drawing because it conjures fantasies of being a helpless subject in experiments, three things instantly betray its artists’ likely intended subject: the caliper being used to measure the bound man’s penis, the chart of penis sizes above him, and the difference in sizes between the submissive man’s penis and the dominant’s. In a huge amount of stereotypical fantasy material, submissive men’s penises are smaller than average (as shown in this picture) yet in reality neither penis sizes nor even their existence correspond to dominance or masculinity in any way.

As I discussed at length in some parts of Kink Of Tap Episode 1: The Big Hard Cock, much of society (in communities both hegemonic and otherwise) tends to act as though there is some threshold of penile anatomy that equates to being manly. Phallic symbolism is often taken to extremes in art, but just like the ignorance of religious literalists, taking phallic symbolism too literally can be dangerous. The idea that a penis makes a man is misguided at best and downright prejudiced at worst. Hell, you can even be a man without a penis at all.

ATTRIBUTION UPDATE: Naamah wrote in to let me know that this drawing is a commission by none other than P.L. Nunn, whose work, we both agree, “is often just really arresting.”


(via bendoverloverboy)

[ Posted Wed, 15 Jul 2009 23:51:00 ]

Tagged with: homosexual, digital art, bondage

A mostly naked Little Red Riding Hood keeps the Wolf, a naked man with animal ears, on a leash as he eagerly performs cunnilingus on her.

I like this picture a lot because it reminds me that so much of people’s shared vocabulary comes from sources outside of their own control. In many variants of the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale, the (male) Wolf violently threatens the (female) Little Red Riding Hood, however in this one it is the girl with evident control over the Wolf. I particularly enjoy the fact that the Wolf’s cheeks are flushed and his mouth dripping, as though sexually pleasuring Little Red Riding Hood is a primal need of his.

While reading fairy tales such as Little Red Riding Hood as a boy, the overtones of masculine aggression and feminine vulnerability were not lost on me. Although children today most often hear only one variant of this fairy tale (and most other fairy tales), these old stories have undergone major adaptations dozens of times throughout history. As Catherine Orenstein writes in her book, Little Red Riding Hood Uncloaked, [I]nevitably the tale has been a vehicle for imparting sexual ethics in keeping with the social fabric of the times.

Thus, if there is a lesson in all of this, it is that such social fabric has been constructed (and is continually reconstructed) time and again, whether in society at large or in subcultures; if a social construction does not work for you, then you have the power and the right to make one that does.





all the better to EAT you with!

[ Posted Sun, 12 Jul 2009 23:53:00 ]


Tagged with: petplay, digital art

A young man kneels on the ground in a forested area, his wrists loosely tied with a single thick rope to the stump of a tree.

I think this photograph, suggested by Dorinda, is beautiful (albeit with sorry-looking bondage) and I like the vintage feel it has. I particularly like the shape of the model’s back, ass, and legs; the curvature of his lower body looks feminine while the trapezoidal frame of his upper body looks masculine, and I appreciate this aesthetic mix immensely; it’s pretty and manly.

Much of the time, people refer to the mixing of genders as androgyny, but that word has etymological roots pertaining to being devoid of gender, of being genderless. While valid and attractive to me in its own way at times, this is subtly different from what I find most attractive: the presence of mixed genders. Rather than being half a woman (50% feminine) and half a man (50% masculine), why can’t we be all of both at once? A person can still have 100% feminine and 100% masculine wholes within themselves.


[ Posted Sat, 11 Jul 2009 16:26:00 ]

Tagged with: black and white, bondage, solo, photograph, submission

Five naked men in various poses inhabit a fantastical courtyard underneath arches while clouds darken the sky outside. Sculptures rife with historic imagery also fill the space.

This picture was suggested by Wendy Blackheart, who wrote in saying “If I had a harem, I’d like it to be something like this.” While certainly attractive, this picture feels a little morbid to me. I don’t know exactly why, but sex harems in my fantasies are usually brighter, with an almost (but not quite) resort-like feel to them.

The harem fantasy is a common one, and it can take a variety of forms, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s centered around the idea that many submissive people exist for the pleasure of a smaller number of dominant ones. Although I’ve had fantasies that involved larger numbers of dominant people with fewer numbers of submissive ones, this second variation might be less common for me and I don’t seem to hear about it as much from others, either. Sometimes I feel that, when it comes to numbers of people, “submission” is singularly-focused (my submission is directed towards one dominant partner) while dominance might be multi-focal (a desire to dominate multiple people).

However, I’ve been questioning that assumption. It’s likely that negative past personal experiences have colored my view, and informed my fantasies. Now that I’ve lost the first relationship involving D/s play I’ve had, began exploring on my own, and started another very different relationship with D/s interplay, perhaps it’s time to reexamine these ideas.



Erotic Oddities - (via pornotumble)

[ Posted Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:35:24 ]


Tagged with: homosexual

A naked man is bound and hosed with a jet of water directed at his genitals.

This photograph, suggested by Bailadora, reminds me of one of the ways I used to masturbate as an adolescent. Although I didn’t have the bondage gear, I did have a very adjustable shower head. Laying under a jet of water directed at the frenulum of my penis was a deliciously slow way to bring myself to orgasm.

I also like this picture because I like water a lot. Not only is wet skin aesthetically pleasing, it also feels good. In that sense, water is a toy like any other might be. Unlike floggers, whips, shackles, or other so-called “gear,” water is usually free.


[ Posted Thu, 09 Jul 2009 23:55:00 ]


Tagged with: bondage, black and white, photograph, solo

A naked man on his hands and knees bows very low on hardwood floors.

Here's a picture that, in my eyes, shows a simple yet very satisfying moment. Maybe it's the calm before the storm of play time, or maybe it's a moment after play. Either way, I recognize the pose as one that I've often felt a strong desire to be in, to use as non-verbal communication to express submissive feelings such as ...I'm yours.“

Many sexuality communities constantly bring up the importance of communication and most of the time this means talking. However, while verbal communication is often less ambiguous than non-verbal communication, non-verbal communication comprises the majority of interaction among people. Paying attention to what your partner is doing, and how they're moving, is therefore just as important as paying attention to what they are saying.





Humbly craving my Mistress to be Her servant

[ Posted Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:58:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, photograph, solo

A collared man lays naked in the grass and mud at the feet of two classically femininely clothed people, one of whom seems to be holding his chain leash.

I think this photograph is exceptional because it remains focused on the submissive man in a way that most imagery depicting the fetishes shown here do not. In this picture, I see elements of "clothed female, naked male" (CFNM), pet play, and mysophilia (fetish for dirt, mud, or filth). While editorializing about pictures I post here, I walk a fine line between describing erotic humiliation of the sort I view as perpetuating damaging stereotypes about submissive men and the sort I view as promoting an accurate and healthy awareness about us. Of course, I have my own biases.

I am an almost obsessively clean person. When I can, I routinely take showers twice a day. I dislike feeling filthy and I enjoy the sensuality of cleanliness, which is why I love it when I’m made to be dirty. Not because I’m less or worse, not because I “deserve” it—that’s all ridiculous self-loathing; that’s the damaging stereotype. I like this picture because I like to be dirty. Part of why I like being clean is because it’s a great excuse to get dirty again.

I falter here, because it’s an area in which I understand almost nothing about the reciprocal role. As Bitchy Jones concludes:

here's where humiliation ends – destroying the man you desire without destroying your desire along with it is hard.



(via derekisme)

[ Posted Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:19:59 ]

Tagged with: photograph, petplay

A young man is shackled and leashed to spreader bars at both his ankles and wrists.

I like this photograph a lot, and I don’t imagine it’s hard to see why. Of particular note, I love spreader bars, and what’s especially cool about these is that they appear to be homemade. It’s relatively simple to buy thick wooden dowels at a hardware store like Home Depot (which is really a fetish superstore without a pricey markup!) and then drill eyehooks into the ends of them. I miss the set I used to have.

More interestingly, of course, is the man’s expression. He looks pained and distressed. Often, I am confronted with explaining my desire for experiences in which I am pained or distressed to people who don’t share a desire to have those experiences. This is a hard thing to do, but ultimately it boils down to a misunderstanding. Rather than merely consent to such things, I actually ask for them, I want them, and I’m happy to get them.

If, hypothetically speaking, my partners always refused to interact with me in a way that distressed me physically because they believed I shouldn’t want it, I would be sad. Passing negative judgement on my own wants would not be exerting dominance over me in “classier,” or “more intelligent” ways. They would, in fact, be denying me the pursuit of my own happiness. They would be an obstacle to my freedom, not a savior of my skin. They would not be giving me what I “deserve better,” for they would be mistakenly imposing their own will on me. Submission is not about relinquishing one’s own desires.

This may sound strange to some, but never whipping me when I want to be whipped, never tying me down when I want to be bound, never painfully prolonging my sexual pleasure when I want to be teased, might be an emotionally harmful thing, equivalent to the ways withholding loving sexual touch from a partner could be considered a harmful act in other aspects of a relationship.



Stop crying, bitch.

[ Posted Sun, 05 Jul 2009 22:12:38 ]

Tagged with: photograph, bondage, solo

A naked man in a locked cage sits, looking at his own genitals, which are themselves locked inside a CB-2000 male chastity device.

Chastity play—often discussed under the guise of various different yet subtly different names including teasing and denial (T&D), orgasm control, and more clinically erotic sexual denial—is a very core kink of mine. It feeds right into feelings of being lovingly, sexually controlled, and offers numerous additional twists with which to incorporate yet other kinks. When combined with pet play, an activity makes me feel owned and taken care of (as most people care for and own their pets), the two kinks together inspire feelings of primal sexual desire and even competence in me, of virility and a positive acknowledgement of lust.

Sadly, many of the associations people make to chastity play, and male chastity in particular, are extremely disturbing. By and large, people sometimes think about chastity play as a way to instill impotence. When used on men, many write about deadening masculinity and forcibly replacing it with femininity, but little of that appeals to me and none of it is universally true. As this Tickleberry gallery says, being chaste doesn't mean that you surrender your masculinity.

I do wish this picture was a little better, perhaps with the boy on all fours and without the doors behind his cage. (I mean, seriously, what idiot makes doors in a house inaccessible by keeping a large cage right in front of them?) Nevertheless, I decided to post this because it’s not often I see a photograph so evidently incorporating chastity play, and even less often one that simultaneously touches on pet play themes. I’d love to see more of them.


(via soumis)

[ Posted Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:11:18 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo, petplay

A naked man hangs an American flag against a brick wall already covered with various classic American paraphernalia.

Today, July 4th, is America’s Independence Day holiday. All across the United States, people are celebrating principles such as freedom and justice. Reading the Declaration of Independence, I was struck by a part I never examined closely before:

[A]ll experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.

As the authors of the Declaration of Independence acknowledged, people are often willing to suffer rather than to attempt to change for the better. Change is hard and no change is harder than a mental paradigm shift. As you know, today I describe myself as a submissive man, but this was not always the case.

So painful and so abusive was imagery and ideology of submissive masculinity to me as a teenager that, in spite of the awareness I had of my submissive and masculine desires, I refused to take on that label. Easier, I thought, to suffer the pretense of something that wasn’t really me than to make myself visible to others. What’s more, how would I go about making myself visible in the first place? Neither my submission nor masculinity were things I could accurately portray to other people—and it’s still a challenge to do this.

Indeed, I struggle with that almost every day. I often feel like I have to “pass” as a very different kind of man than the one I want to be. So do others. In a comment on Bitchy Jones’s recent post, Tom Allen shares similar feelings:

I've been thinking about how I hate to be associated with:

  • sissified sissy maids who insist on talking about their sissy clitty, and
  • exceptionally out-of-shape subby men.

I've become so squicked by these stereotypes that I'm letting my sub/bottom status card lapse when the registration comes up again. For some reason, these are the first images that seem to come up when people think about male submission, and I don't blame them for being turned off.

Tom and I have come to different conclusions regarding how we choose to self-identify, but our motivations are clearly the same: the long train of abuses and usurpations that American culture has forced upon men. There are many things to be proud of America for, but let us not forget that the dream of a government instituted to secure the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all people has not yet been fully realized.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:51:08 ]

Tagged with: solo, photograph

A man with a shaved head wearing cuffs on his wrists rests his arms against stone tiles.

This black and white photograph was suggested by Val who said, “This is one of my favorite images ever.” I wish I knew why Val liked it so much, because while it is certainly beautiful and has obvious overtones of submissive intent—the man’s open palms, cuffs, and tilted head—very little here strikes me.

Is this man against a wall, or is he resting on the floor? Why can’t we see that clearly? Why must the “artistic” nature of so many images of submission, particularly when the solo model is a man, be about implication, mystery, or emotion rather than activity and actual physicality?


[ Posted Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:49:06 ]

Tagged with: black and white, photograph, solo, bondage

A woman holds a man’s face as she leans in to kiss him, pressing his body against a wall behind him.

This black and white photograph was suggested by Bailadora. It looks to me like a fashion shoot of sorts, most of which seem to be filled with more pretense than sex appeal. However, Bailadora’s interpretation of this image is entirely too hot to pass up:

I think this picture is very sexy and while not overtly suggestive of submission, the positioning of her hand on his jaw plus the slight indentation of his skin from the pressure of her fingers suggest to me that she is the aggressor in this situation. In my imagination, she’s arranging him just so before leaning in to claim his mouth. 


[ Posted Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:54:25 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white

A man standing naked with an erection is chained against a pole with his arms behind his back and a garment of some kind tied across his mouth as a makeshift gag.

I have a particular fascination with chains when they’re used for bondage. Personally, more than any other material, being bound in chains can trigger head-spaces in which I feel like a slave, which is a sexy and perhaps oddly empowering feeling. Even more fascinating than my own response to such things, however, is the incredible diversity with which people respond to specific details about their sexual experience. To make a sexual encounter successful, you must act upon such details because that’s where everyone's fantasies—and demons—are:

It's important to understand what these details are before you access them, but it's equally important to eventually access them; ignoring such details is tantamount to ignoring me. When I play with a partner, a sense of depth and meaning is literally impossible to achieve if I have not first talked (usually at some length) about the details of my desires and fears, and asked questions of my partner to understand the details of theirs.

You need to be consistently inviting these details into our talks and our play; merely acknowledging their presence—without acting upon them later—is not enough. I do not believe a meaningful relationship can be built without successfully interfacing over these details.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Sat, 06 Jun 2009 14:52:00 ]


Tagged with: bondage, photograph, solo

A man whose wrists are handcuffed behind his back stands with an erection as he is idly threatened with a firearm.

This photograph, sent in by Heliotrope and Zac, was a difficult picture for me to post here for a few reasons. I have some reservations about making this site a place that creates its own content because I want it to remain a mirror onto the rest of the Internet. That’s part of why this site doesn’t have comments: I’d rather conversations about the ideas expressed here spread to the furthest reaches of sexuality discourse instead of staying contained within this one domain. That’s also why I’ve never posted pictures of myself, as this photograph is, unless the photos were first published elsewhere.

It was also difficult to post this image in particular because it makes visible a lot about me, none of which is performative. The only inanimate object in this picture not intended for the scene itself is the garter around my right leg; I am not cross-dressing when I am wearing “girls’ clothes”. The handcuffs, rope, fake gun, and even the clothing Heliotrope is wearing (save her watch), are the parts of the picture that are dressed up, specifically brought out of our closets and toy boxes for play time. I feel like somehow the picture is almost too raw, too baring, too naked with the bit of everydayness the garter adds, and too unreal for others, too weird because of the fact that it’s the garter that adds the everydayness in the first place.


[ Posted Thu, 04 Jun 2009 08:59:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, bondage, narrative

A naked couple is having sexual intercourse in the missionary position. The woman is holding the man’s neck with her right hand as he props himself above her.

This photograph interested me because there are distinct signs of power dynamics to explore. Most notably, the woman physically on the bottom is gripping the man’s neck in what looks like a somewhat tight hold. Although many people might have a knee-jerk reaction and assume that this man is attacking the woman, my first instinct is to believe that she is controlling him, moving him toward and away from her in motions she enjoys. The thought of being made to move for the pleasure of a partner is intensely arousing to me, and this image instantly triggers that arousal.

Sadly, rape culture reactions overwhelm almost all public discourse about pornography. Heteronormative, pornographic depictions of sex are likely to trigger simple feelings of arousal. The leap to rape culture isn’t one that happens because of pornography but because of reactions to it, perhaps even more precisely to the specific overabundance of hegemonically skewed representations of what sex can be like.

The crux of the matter is that intentionality does not follow from appearance. Especially in sex, people should be free to be what they feel, not what they look like.


Update (July 28th, 2009): Sociorehab, the creator of this image, wrote in to me to say this:

That’s our picture and I wanted to let you know that the assumptions you made were correct. I wasn’t in control. Her hand on my neck squeezed, pulled and pushed as she pleased. I could only give what she let me give.

Thanks for letting us know, and thanks again for creating and sharing a beautiful picture. :)


(via biandbi, sociorehab)

[ Posted Mon, 01 Jun 2009 07:56:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A shirtless man looks into the camera, his wrists tied together with black ribbon.

I’m not certain whether this man looks like he’s trying to be defiant, mischievous, or something else entirely. Thankfully, there is just enough hint of a smile in his expression to make me comfortable posting this. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d imagine he’s trying to initiate play of some sort.

Initiating play, a scene, or simply some form of sex isn’t actually something I’m very good at; there are many negative connotations I’ve associated with actively pursuing sexual encounters in this way. However, it’s important to remember that pursuing a partner for sex and initiating sex with a partner are two distinct things. For a while, I’ve been trying my damnedest to learn how to submissively initiate play in ways that are satisfying for a dominant partner as well as for myself because (despite some popular beliefs) submissiveness has little to do with passivity.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Sun, 31 May 2009 00:18:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, bondage, solo

A naked young boy is restrained on a circular platform in the middle of an audience of similarly-young and naked other boys. Bullet vibrators are attached to the restrained boy causing him to orgasm as the experience is filmed by a camera.

When I look at this picture, I’m reminded of how young I was when I became sexually aware: I knew I found bondage enjoyable at age 4 and discovered pornographic material on the Internet when I was 10. Far from being negative experiences, I credit having such physically detached and solely educational access to information about sexuality at this young age as being one the best, most self-affirming and positive experiences in my sociosexual development. It gave context and validation to otherwise unexplained urges I didn’t fully understand, and which no human was willing to talk to me about; it grounded me to the world in a time of my life when I felt least stable.

Nevertheless, I expect that this might be an extremely uncomfortable picture for some people to look at, almost certainly because the boys in this fictional drawing look like adolescents as opposed to adults. While there are undoubtedly dangers for younger people in a sexualized environment, I sincerely believe that hiding sexual information (including imagery) from youth is a bigoted, adultist actThere is an important distinction between sexualizing children and providing sexual information to them.

As Eileen recently said on a KinkForAll thread,

The reality is that sex education begins much earlier than 18 years of age, and […] I think it is personally important to provide said education in an informed manner.

I am first and foremost an autodidact—there are huge numbers of young people like this—so it makes sense that I was capable of gleaning the accurate information about sexuality from the mounds of misinformation the Internet spewed at me when I was a child in the 90’s. Not all people learn well in self-directed ways, though, so I challenge readers to carefully consider what they believe appropriate or inappropriate sexual information is for young people to have access to. As John Bell writes:

Adultism, racism, sexism, and other ...isms“ all reinforce each other. The particular ways young people are treated or mistreated are inseparable from their class, gender, or ethnic background. However, the phenomena of being disrespected simply because of being young holds true across diverse backgrounds.


Give young people accurate information about the way the world works, our experiences, relationships and sex, the contributions of young people to humankind, and other issues that interest them. Never lie to them.

Adults must bear in mind that youth are a crucial group of people for whom education and access to quality, reliable information is perhaps more paramount for the future than anything else. Believing young people are less capable than they are is not only a skewed perception of reality, but a disrespectful and fundamentally harmful thing to do.




[ Posted Fri, 29 May 2009 16:43:41 ]

Tagged with: black and white, digital art, homosexual, bondage

A smiling woman bites the lip of a smiling man while holding her hand over his eyes as they embrace.

This photograph was suggested by Miss Calico, who said, “I like the smiles on their faces (his dimples!), and the passion in their kiss. It makes the way she is biting his lip and covering his eyes seem uncontrived, like a spontaneous expression of their attraction to each other.”

Part of me just wants to say, “Yeah, what Calico said,” and call it done. The other part of me wants to take the opportunity to remark on the importance of being confidently self-expressed. Who says submissive men can’t or shouldn’t fuck their beloved dominant partners? Who says jeans and a t-shirt isn’t fetish wear? Who says women are inherently better than men, or vice versa? Who says men have more rights than women?

When someone starts talking about a One True Way, remember that it’s nothing other than the one true way that works for them. Don’t let the self-righteousness of others stop you from finding your own true ways.


[ Posted Thu, 28 May 2009 10:04:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A naked man with an erection lays on the floor and is bound in a simple rope harness.

Here’s an all too rare photograph suggested by psychoadept that I like for the obvious and simple fact that it shows a man enjoying being tied up (or so we might, but not necessarily, safely infer from his erection). The style of rope work in the picture is reminiscent of shibari, which essentially refers to Japanese-inspired rope bondage aesthetics. Shibari became increasingly popular in the Western BDSM scene during the 1990’s and quickly reached a level of fetishization arguably rivaled only by the even more popular fetish for Asian women.

Moreover, I observe an intense elitism within the ranks of shibari enthusiasts, just as I see similarly ridiculous elitism in many other areas of the BDSM community. Sadly, this and other BDSM elitist aristocracies unwittingly monopolized the very thing they claimed to want to make free: having sex, and how we do that. When reputation becomes more valuable than results, egos prevent progress.


[ Posted Thu, 21 May 2009 20:58:00 ]

Tagged with: black and white, photograph, solo

A young man is bound and gagged as a fully-dressed man stands over him tickling the soles of his feet.

There are some pretty obvious reasons why I liked this picture: the cute guy, the focus on the submissive partner, and the obvious effect that getting tickled is having on him. I also liked the simplicity of it, as though these two men were just fooling around and, yes, playing without any need for validation or pretense. It turns out such play, sexual and otherwise, is incredibly important for children and adults alike.

I wonder if some people don’t use tickling as an excuse for laughter in the first place. Many people have a crazy idea that submissive men should be silent, stoic, that they should “take it like a man,” which always seems to describe the epitome of terrible communication. Even more people believe that such behavior—a lack of connection to emotionality—is engrained in men’s genes, but it is in fact culture and social rules that work to stymie men’s emotional expression.



[Via] manfever

[ Posted Sun, 17 May 2009 17:02:00 ]

Tagged with: homosexual, bondage, photograph

A woman playfully bites the ass of a naked man laying on his stomach.

This fun photograph was suggested by Bailadora, who wrote in saying, “I love biting my partner, whether it be in the throes of passion or as depicted here, in a more playful manner. I love, love, love the fact you can see he’s laughing.”

I’m often reminded of the fact that what-it-is-that-we-do in the BDSM community is so frequently referred to as play. Far from being a coincidence or even a strange term, I think “play” makes perfect sense when applied to sex. Regardless of age, humans learn and grow and experience the world through play. It has become tragically obvious that children need time to play in order to do well in school. Similarly, adults need time to play to successfully do work as well, and this includes time to play sexually.

Further, laughter in particular is an extremely important part of my play. I laugh when I am having a good time; why should this not include when I am experiencing pain or sex? I laugh when I am being whipped playfully, and I laugh when I am orgasming. Sex, like all other experiences, can be as serious or as playful as you want it to be—and that’s more than just okay, that’s awesome.


[ Posted Sat, 16 May 2009 16:26:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, black and white

A clothed woman stands above a man who is kissing the toes of her feet while he is kneeling on the floor, naked.

I like this photograph because, despite containing classic fetishistic imagery that is sadly often tainted for me (namely the “clothed female, naked male” and foot worshipping fetishes) I feel that these things are actually decently positively portrayed here. Neither partner seems disinterested, perhaps because both are obscured to some degree, and she does not look like an advertisement for a fetish shoe company.

Now, kneeling at the feet of a dominant partner (especially while I’m naked and they are clothed) is something I personally enjoy a great deal, and so the fact that these activities are viscerally difficult for me to enjoy due to the negative connotations of being pathetic, worthless, or “not man enough” that are present in other such pictures is an extremely unpleasant reality in which to have sex.

Moreover, all too frequently, I hear self-identifying submissive men ask questions like “Are submissives thought of as weak?” These men are trying to act on their desire to please a dominant partner, but so much in the world tells them that this inherently makes them less of a man. They wonder, does the word man fade away during role play? And how could they not wonder this, when so many representations of dominant women and submissive men explicitly choose words like “worm” over words like “man” in text and in speech?


(via soumis)

[ Posted Fri, 15 May 2009 10:27:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A shirtless man with money in the back pocket of his pants holds a gun against the chest of a naked man chained to a bed.

Playing with power dynamics is sexy—the more extreme the power disparity, the sexier play can be. Guns, which instantly bring to mind the balance of life or death, are therefore tools of immense power and, consequently, unsurprisingly common in fantasies involving power exchange.

When consensual and acted upon with aware intent, creating power disparities—binaries in which one person has all the power and another person has none—can be a lot of fun. However, when such disparities are implicitly built into social codes of conduct, they are devastating. The binaries enforced by implicit authority are at the root of sexism (man/woman), ageism (young/old), racism (black/white), classist behavior (rich/poor), and other such prejudices.

For the record, those who play with such extreme power therefore need to do so with incredible responsibility, and I know of no gunplay scene that has ever involved a real firearm.



(via loveboom)

[ Posted Sun, 10 May 2009 20:46:35 ]


Tagged with: homosexual, digital art, bondage

A naked man is bound in a spread eagle with cuffs and ropes face down on a bed.

This is a simple photograph, but it appeals to me because it's not often I see images in which a spread eagle tie has a man on his stomach. Like much of porn, huge amounts of attention are dedicated to the penis, but in point of fact, penis-centric sex is missing a lot of other opportunities for good experiences for all involved. One wonders whether the disparity in the attention given to male genitalia is caused by porn or whether porn, like art, merely imitates life.

It should also be noted that the spread eagle tie is perhaps the most commonly attempted form of erotic bondage attempted by inexperienced—even vanilla—tops, yet it is also one of the most immobilizing. This combination makes for somewhat more dangerous circumstances than most. As always, please remember never to leave a tied up bottom alone.


(via realprincess)

[ Posted Sat, 02 May 2009 20:59:00 ]

Tagged with: tumblrize, black and white, bondage, photograph, solo

A man leashed with chain and wearing black, form-fitting clothing kneels beneath the legs of another man.

This photograph was suggested by Wendy Blackheart, who wrote saying, “I find the boy in the photo very appealing—I love his figure, and his posture. And I love the chain. I find chain much sexier than rope. (Plus, I love the noise it makes.)” Personally, I happen to enjoy both chain and rope, but rope really is my first fetishistic bondage love.

I also really like the position the kneeling man is in. In particular, beyond the posture, I like that his right hand is closed. A slightly closed hand such as this (not a tight fist, but not an open palm) is a gesture I make almost subconsciously very frequently when I am feeling submissive, or smaller, or vulnerable. It’s these incredibly small things—so small they are invisible to an uninformed viewer, including most pornographers—that make all the difference between a photograph of authentic submission and a staged fake.

I find it insulting that pornographers consistently think they know me, along with other submissive men, better than I do when the material they produce so obviously lacks the hallmarks of authenticity that just a touch of thoughtful observation would clearly illuminate.


(via theonlygayinthevillage)

[ Posted Fri, 01 May 2009 20:30:00 ]

Tagged with: black and white, photograph

In an outdoor setting a young man stands against a wooden post with his hands secured behind him, his shorts pulled down to his knees, and his erection in full view.

This photograph was suggested by Derek Isme, who says, “I like this rather grainy picture because it doesn’t appear to be (even if it is) a staged porn shoot. In my imagination I can happily place myself in the same position as this guy.” Relatively few of the images I choose to editorialize about on this site are sourced from a stereotypically “staged porn shoot,” but despite what some may think, I’m not actually biased against such shoots—or wouldn’t be if the imagery they produced was not so radically different from the kind of imagery you see on this site.

In point of fact, as Derek’s comment implies, very little of what is staged porn is appealing to me, and as a result it is very difficult to imagine myself a part of the staged scene. This is in direct opposition to the most often cited reason pornographers seem to give me when they defend the stylistic choices they give to their work: “sexualizing men turns men off, and anonymizing men makes it easier to see yourself in the model’s shoes.” Bluntly, these pornographers are being sexist and stupid.


[ Posted Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:02:43 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo, bondage

One naked man’s ass is held gently by the outstretched arm of another man.

Although hard to find explicit submission in this photograph, I like it because of how explicitly it sexualizes the male form. Admittedly, it does so with homosexual connotations, which I remark on only because of how accustomed I am to seeing the male body sexualized in photography almost exclusively by other men. Nevertheless, perhaps thanks to the omission of a penis, the image seems to subvert the stereotypical male gaze (homosexual or otherwise) by the passivity implied on the part of the bottom.

By most societal norms, masculinity is both reduced to lust and defined by aggression—sometimes violently—such that men are all but required to be aggressors in any sexual encounter. Similarly, many people incorrectly couple this notion of being sexually aggressive with being the initiator of sex. Together, this is called “being the active partner.” This view is unnecessarily restrictive because it arbitrarily limits the activities one can have. In fact, activity or passivity have little to do with initiating sex, and much more with the intentionality behind the initiation.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:20:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, homosexual

Standing against a tree, a shirtless young man stands with his eyes closed, neck bared, and hands bound behind him.

This vintage photograph struck me because of how similar it looks to contemporary images of tied up men. There’s very little in the way of nudity or otherwise explicit sexuality and most of the submissiveness I see in this photograph has to do with hints of bondage—albeit more obvious than most—than a confirmed and visible restraint. In comparing vintage erotica in general with today’s pornography, it seems to me that there isn’t quite the same amount of stagnation among depictions of women as there is of depictions of men (with the notable exception of gay iconography).

Case in point, the source of this photograph cites that it is a depiction of Saint Sebastian by F. Holland Day, circa 1906, an extremely common subject for ostensibly (but not really) submissive men.







[ Posted Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:08:00 ]


Tagged with: black and white, photograph, bondage, solo

A naked man lays strapped to a large wooden board as a second man touches his erect penis. The man on top is shirtless and has his own penis in his other hand.

I like the simple ways in which this photograph make the bottom the compositional centerpiece. It also raises some interesting questions; cutting out the top’s head gives me as a submissive the opportunity to objectify him as much as the rest of the photograph lets me feel as though the submissive partner is still a sexualized center of focus. In such a situation, who’s objectifying whom?

There's certainly no doubt that in my mind, I construct fantasies of dominant personas all the time, and I have no qualms about getting off to these fantasies and ideas.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Sun, 26 Apr 2009 17:55:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white, homosexual

A naked woman grips chains encircling a naked man’s neck as she stands above him.

The sexiest thing to me is the obvious power dynamic here; chained as he is, the kneeling man is quite vulnerable. However, other things about this photograph strike me much more. First, both the man and woman exude undeniable physical strength. Second, both of them aren’t white.

It’s hard not to notice that the majority of pictures on this site and others like it have Caucasian models. As I’ve said before, this site can’t help but be a mirror on the rest of the Internet and, more specifically, representations of the BDSM community. Sadly, as Clarisse Thorn mentions frequently, the sex-positive movement is overwhelmingly white and middle- to upper-middle-class. There are certainly wider socioeconomic issues at play here, but it is still useful to remark upon the parallels and intersections that sexuality issues have with racism.


(via bendoverloverboy)

[ Posted Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:59:55 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A naked man stands by a tree, his hands bound above his head and his penis connected by rope to a padlocked collar around his neck.

This photograph was suggested by Derek Isme, who says, “I like the simplicity of the scene, and the fact that it's outdoors—one of my favorite turn ons!” My favorite part is how much the man’s body is made prominent by the simple neck-to-penis rope, as it’s probably mostly a decorative addition.

Such genital decoration can be incredibly mentally profound. Further, one’s self-image and comfort with one’s own body, particularly one’s sex organs, is not restricted to explicit sexual expression. The impacts of a body-phobic culture are dangerously homogenizing to the same degree that the monopolistic representations of submissive masculinities this site is trying to diversify are: for women, the latest plastic surgery trend is labiaplasty.


[ Posted Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:25:09 ]

Tagged with: photograph, bondage, solo

A man passionately kisses his feminine partner’s underwear, his head held close to her body with her hand.

I hesitated posting this photograph because I see some complicated statements here. The picture was suggested by Bailadora, who wrote in sharing why this image is appealing: 

This photo appeals to me on several levels: […] I love the expression on his face, eyes closed as if in ecstasy as he kisses/laps her vagina. […] I like that you can see her hand pulling his head more firmly into her body and […] I like that she is not naked, as if he couldn’t wait for her to get her panties off.

All very sexy indeed, but what I find complicated about this picture is the implication that when a man shows such affection to a woman’s genitals, it is so often perceived as a submissive act. Now, doing this certainly can be a submissive act (that’s how I view this picture, because I’m a submissive man), but of course it doesn’t have to be. Compositionally, I find the fact that she is clothed helps focus the viewer’s eye on his face, not her naked skin, which is in some ways a sad statement about the hyper-objectification of a woman’s sex organs in erotic imagery.

Some women I’ve been with personally have remarked that my inclination to give them oral sex happily and enthusiastically is unusual, a fact anecdotally corroborated by the many things I observe in hegemonic society that tell me cunnilingus isn’t a manly activity (unless I’m a man watching two “lesbians” do it). What would have to change in our culture for a picture like this to be one in which the man isn’t viewed as doing something traditionally non-masculine? And then, what would have to change for most people to simply see love here?



Darker Sights & Sounds: Just before

[ Posted Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:35:09 ]


Tagged with: black and white, photograph

A naked man pushes against a large barrel, working in low light.

This beautiful image was suggested by Sara Eileen, who wrote:

I pulled [this] image […] because it instantly reminded me of Bitchy Jones’ “Men At Work” post. […] I do see a submissive overlay to the idea of a beautiful man working in the nude; I like the idea that he’s rolling that barrel by at the command of the viewer of the photograph, and that his clothes have been confiscated, or perhaps he never had them in the first place. It is not an explicitly submissive subject, in the way that a bound body might be. I think this depends upon one’s perspective of the narrative intrinsic in the photograph. I enjoy creating submissive narratives, so that’s what I see.

A significant number of dominant women who enjoy submissiveness in men, such as Bitchy Jones, say that they enjoy it because what they are attracted to is manliness. Sadly, there is a dearth of pornographic depictions in which submissive men are shown in what these women call “manly” ways, since such stereotypical erotica places a sexist emphasis on gender reversal by focusing on men performing stereotypical feminine tasks (cooking, cleaning, and so on) with the intention that this is somehow supposed to be demeaning.

Although I personally support the idea of depicting submissive men in “manly” ways, I would also—eventually—like to see us reach a point where we can decouple the notion of maleness from the idea of manliness. I know a number of women more manly than I am, and certain aspects of who I am are decidedly womanly, without making me any less manly. 


[ Posted Sun, 19 Apr 2009 14:19:06 ]

Tagged with: solo, photograph, narrative, black and white

A couple sits at a table in a restaurant. The woman has a plate of food in front of her while the man does not, and she is feeding him a bite from her meal.

This is an interesting photograph suggested by a number of people, including both Wendy Blackheart, and Bailadora. Wendy wrote in saying,

I have a feeding people thing—[…]being in control of what and how you eat, if at all, and goddamn it, I’ll be the one to actually feed you[…]. I really enjoy feeding boys by hand. Its one of the things I like most about pet play, but I like it even more outside of pet play.

Bailadora’s note implies a similar D/s projection on the image:

I saw this photo shortly after reading an entry by Ferns in which she confides how the dynamic between she and her partner is such that it can’t help but spill over into their public interactions. She called them “secret signals” as the gestures would only be recognizable to the pair of them and went on to provide this example: “Or if we are out at dinner, maybe with friends, I can put some food on a fork and bring it to his lips, and I know he will open his mouth for me, and only he and I know that he loathes it, that food that is on the fork, that he hates it with a passion, and he will give me that look, that 'yes Ma'am' look, as he takes it into his mouth and chews, and I will adore him for it.” In my opinion, the beauty, simplicity and sexiness of that statement coupled with the photo illuminate the elusive the mental aspects of D/s.

Many people desire to extend the sexual relationships of power dynamics to their daily lives; I do because it’s a natural extension of self-expression. This in no way implies that my submissiveness makes me any less deserving of equality or respect than anyone else, and it saddens me that such an attitude is still perceived heretical in some ostensibly open-minded BDSM communities. To me, this picture is above all else a reminder to live out one’s fantasies without living in a fantasy.




Buenos Aires (via barneyljc)

[ Posted Sat, 18 Apr 2009 08:08:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph

Laying still on a table, a naked man practices nantaimori, a delicate and varied assortment of sushi and sashimi placed on his upper body and down his thighs.

This is the one and only picture I have ever seen in my entire life depicting nantaimori, the practice of using a male body as a platter from which to eat sashimi or sushi. In contrast, I’ve been to a number of parties—on both sides of the world—where nyotaimori (the practice of using a female body as the platter) was practiced in person. This unfortunate discrepancy is probably unsurprising to many, including myself, but still worthy of note.




Naked Sushi…Nyotaimori is the female version. Nantaimori is the male version.

[ Posted Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:33:43 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo

A man whose back is marked with long, thin red lines slouches against a woman holding him affectionately close to her chest.

The love and connection in this picture is difficult to deny. To me, this looks like a photograph in which the sterility of the environment accentuates the emotional content. Moreover, it’s exceptionally rewarding to see pictures in which this much physical closeness is so obviously enjoyed by both a dominant woman and a submissive man, especially considering the endless parade of formulaic and insulting contrary assumptions in the majority of porn.



from: (durina)

via (senda)

[ Posted Fri, 17 Apr 2009 05:23:42 ]

Tagged with: marks, photograph, narrative

A naked man sits on a short wooden table as an undressed woman crouches behind him. He is blindfolded, collared, and bound with black straps about his chest, arms, wrists, and feet, yet is holding a bunch of long-stemmed roses.

The happy smile on the woman’s face and the open, tall posture of the bound man in this photograph are simply beautiful. I love the romantic overtones shown here, because they somehow manage to retain hegemonic gender roles while decoupling the assumptions of power those roles often and needlessly imply.



[ Posted Wed, 15 Apr 2009 23:06:42 ]


Tagged with: photograph, bondage

A muscular man is bound with ropes across his chest that keep his arms behind his back as a second, hairier man touches the tied man’s abdomen and smiles.

I like the scene depicted here, and wish we could see more of the bottom, although the composition of the image, with both submissive and dominant context clearly obvious, is particularly nice. (I especially like the top’s smile.)

This photograph was suggested by a reader wishing to remain anonymous, who wrote:

I love this image. And although I am female I can quite easily visualize myself in place of the male top—my hands skimming along the bottom’s abdomen—enjoying the various textures of muscle, skin and hair.

I’m grateful to have read that, because it makes explicit the fact that women are looking at pornography and find the need to switch the genders around a great deal of the time, just like I do. Doing this every so often is not a big deal, but needing to do it for the overwhelming majority of imagery I see every day is grates at my soul. A number of times (and thankfully no longer with any frequency), I’ve attempted to masturbate with some pornography only to end up in tears of anger and frustration at just how much mental energy I needed to spend merely trying to find a mental and emotional space for myself to self-love without the male gaze. And, in case you didn’t know, I’m a man.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:06:43 ]


Tagged with: photograph, homosexual, bondage

A naked man is bound with thick ropes, his abdomen, genitals, and nipples lined with plastic clothespins.

This is a wonderful picture, despite the pointless censoring of the man’s penis. I really enjoy having my head held firmly, as this man’s top is doing here, and I like that the top’s fingers are actually inside this man’s mouth. This is an example of how you do something being more important than what you are doing: opening one’s mouth for a finger or other object can be receptive or aggressive. Neither submission or dominance is in gender or actions, but rather in intentionality.


(via soumis)

[ Posted Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:26:21 ]

Tagged with: photograph, bondage

A long-haired man is loosely bound to a pillar with ropes. Arrows pierce both his upper and lower body and he is wearing only a loosely tied 

Saint Sebastian is a recurring motif for submissive male imagery. There’s certainly much to like in the implications of strength evident from martyristic narratives, but they are not without their problems. First and foremost, martyrs are not sexy by virtue of being martyrs, but rather due to their other traits. Almost every submissive depiction of men in our culture specifically showcases martyrs—Jesus himself being an even more famous example than Saint Sebastian. I find this troublesome because it dilutes any possibility of a message that submissiveness can be something men desire to express by adding implications of tragedy and sadness to the act.

Such implications are not actually bad, but they are not well understood by most people. We live in a society where young men and women struggle merely to express a desire for the sexuality they do want, so it should come as no surprise that many people would be confused at their own desire for having the things things they don’t want happen to them. I’m the first to admit that such seemingly-but-not-really paradoxical desires can be sexy, but it’s not okay to use a discourse of shame and double-speak in expressing these things, as pictures of martyrs without analysis creates. Instead, we need a transparent and honest appraisal of the things we are looking at.





[ Posted Tue, 14 Apr 2009 20:16:45 ]


Tagged with: photograph, bondage, solo

A shirtless, lean young man stands in front of another person who’s removing his clothing. The man places his hands behind him, resting his palms on his ass.

This picture caught my eye, at first, because the man’s body is gorgeous in precisely the way I fantasies about men’s bodies most of the time; well-defined musculature that is neither too skinny or too built. It makes me wonder, more than most things do, about the distinction between wanting to be with someone who has these characteristics and wanting to be someone who has them. The other reason I like the picture is because of the way the other person seems to be roughly holding the man’s pants, and the way the first man seems to almost be presenting himself to be undressed as a gift.

In a very literal sense, commercial products like lingerie offer women the promise that their partner will want to unwrap them. At its basest, these women are buying desirability. Undressing one’s partner is almost always something a man is expected to do to a woman in hegemonic society. I’ve long felt at odds with the way desirability is marketed to me, and ultimately this not only results in a struggle to accept one’s own self-image, but also fewer money-making opportunities for many retailers.


(via Tendre Bulle)

[ Posted Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:52:43 ]


Tagged with: photograph

A shirtless man with his jeans pulled down about his hips stands against a wall as a clothed woman fondles his naked ass.

I like how the models’ emotions are radiating out of this photograph. The woman’s smile is a comfortable one, and for the most part she is casually dressed. I’m unsure of the reason that the man’s hiding his face for. Is it embarrassment or perhaps some other expression of vulnerability? Whatever it is, not only is his body more exposed by being less dressed, his pose actively exposes more of himself to her. I do wonder what the tattoo of the woman on the man’s back means but, as I look at this picture, I remain too busy thinking about her hand on his ass and their respective expressions to bother with the tattoo, despite the fact that it seems a little out of place.

Then again, perhaps this man isn’t one who is usually submissive. I’ve spoken to a surprisingly high number of women recently (three in one week) who’ve expressed an interest in either “topping” or “being dominant” who at first, they told me, considered themselves solely interested in bottoming or being submissive. There could be many reasons why someone is interested in exploring a new part of themselves, but I have to believe that a person’s environment influences their behavior to some degree. If one is never exposed to possibilities, many people may not ever see them as existing. The extent to which the majority of submissive-focused imagery tends to be monopolized and monotonous is one circumstance I suspect as being a cause of some men and women’s struggle for self-discovery.


(via Tendre Bulle)

[ Posted Mon, 13 Apr 2009 20:57:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph

A young man sits on a piece of BDSM furniture from which several dildos protrude with his arms tied behind his back. A second person operates some wired remote control, while the bound man orgasms.

I really like the detail and emotion in this drawing, such as the way faint tears are streaming down this man’s face. I also really like that a dominant presence is included merely by drawing hands ostensibly controlling some part of the bound man’s experience. This simple fact makes it that much easier for me to see the submission present, too, but keeps the focus primarily on the submissive subject.

It also raises an interesting question: what is submission without dominance, and what is dominance without submission? Am I as a submissive man still submissive if I have no dominant partner? Yes, of course I am, but the question is actually a very nuanced one. Fundamental sexual desires do not change just because circumstances do. However, circumstances and an ability to change them do influence beliefs regarding what desires will be fulfilled, which in turn influences behavior. I think it’s tragic that many men (and women) go about their sex life unfairly influenced by a misguided resignation that their circumstances are not changeable.


[ Posted Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:02:43 ]


Tagged with: bondage, digital art

A naked man lies in the corner of a washroom, his legs parted, chained, and raised above his head as another man wearing a kilt crouches in front of him.

This is a photograph I can barely make sense of. Derek Isme suggested it, writing to say that, “This picture has a lot going for it: it’s colorful, sexy, rough, and full of life and erotic possibilities.” There’s certainly a lot going on here, and I note that many classic gay male fetish objects have been included in the scene, notably denim (by the jeans of the man on the right), leather (by the chaps on the man on the left), and the very obvious focus on anal play. There isn’t actually a lot that strikes me as masculine submission in this photograph, although what is there is clearly being enjoyed. Despite the seeming paradox, submission is a personal act that I believe needs to be personally rewarding to be appreciated, and often this can be accomplished by having fun with it. We do call it “play” for a very simple reason, after all.


[ Posted Sat, 11 Apr 2009 05:02:43 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph, homosexual

In a Japanese setting, a bleeding man is bound naked upside down while another person looks on.

There’s quite a bit going on in this drawing suggested by psychoadept. I don’t really know how to process it, but I like the extremity depicted in the play and the focus the image places on the submissive man. Personally, blood isn’t something I find particularly sexy, but it is nevertheless extremely evocative.

Most interestingly for me is the obvious cultural references, many of which I’m sure I am ignorant of. If nothing else, the physique of the man, lean and with very delicate, somewhat feminine features, is different enough from the majority of ideals the Western world places on men’s appearance that the picture provokes some thought.


[ Posted Fri, 10 Apr 2009 09:51:43 ]


Tagged with: bondage

A fully uniformed school boy who wears glasses is securely tied to a plain chair.

I instantly liked this picture when I saw it because it reminded me of some classic role play fantasies, which I share to some degree but haven’t ever really explored. Being a school boy is a sexy thought, but in the physical reality of the play parties and other social sexuality spaces I’ve been in, the attention given to school girls overshadows everything else to such a degree that I simply felt as though I didn’t have the right pieces to play with.

Kusachiho, who suggested this image, also gave some very interesting context to why this picture in particular was especially attractive:

[I]n most of [the yaoi art] that I’ve come across, characters with glasses are very often portrayed as the dominating top-figure so much of the time (it’s a big stereotype of the genre, that “the one with glasses” is the sadistic domineering type) that even the fact that this one is fully clothed doesn’t stop it being a highly sexy image to me. […] There’s something about the expression that makes him seem quite vulnerable.

I didn’t know about the glasses stereotype; I have glasses and I’m certainly not often “the sadistic domineering type.” Kusachiho also made the remark that, “I find my mind is far better at finding what it wants than Google,” and although offhanded, this is worth exploring. Note how currently the results of a Google search for “girls in glasses” returns not merely over 4,000,000 more results than a search for “boys in glasses” does, but also returns actual images of nearly-naked young women! In contrast, the top hit in Google for the text “boys in glasses” is a discussion thread originating from a Flickr group dedicated to images of girls in glasses and sadly lacks any images whatsoever.


[ Posted Fri, 10 Apr 2009 04:51:42 ]

Tagged with: bondage, solo

A blindfolded man holds his arms out to the sides. His chest and armpits are lined with clothespins.

We found this photograph a while ago but it was recently re-suggested by Wendy Blackheart. I like its look and feel because my very first few kinky pictures looked similar to this one. I imagine the instant-printing features of polaroid cameras make this a common occurrence. Beyond that, I’m certain that playing with clothespins is another easy entry way into exploring sadomasochism, since they are easily found objects that can be surprisingly painful—and fun.

Some kinky people claim that the taboo nature of BDSM play itself is a turn on. On the one hand, I can sort of understand why the thrill of “breaking the (culturally constructed) rules” could be fun, but upon further examination I’m skeptical that this desire is in fact so simplistic. How much of this is cultural taboo and how much is more akin to exhibitionistic attention whoring?

Moreover, if their desire really is simply to enact taboo for taboo’s sake, I find many of the arguments some of these people direct at me when I point out the lack of equal opportunities for sexual expression plaguing submissive men completely hypocritical. Not letting me claim cultural impedance in my bedroom when the same force fuels the activity in your bedroom is pure lunacy.



Benjamin Fredrickson Polaroids

[ Posted Thu, 09 Apr 2009 05:36:42 ]


Tagged with: photograph, solo

A muscular gray-haired man is tied naked to a chair with his arms and crumpled shirt behind him.

The vast majority of pictures I post to this site depict “young men,” but sexual expression is not merely the realm of the young. Sadly, older adults are often even more socially stigmatized for their sexual desires as younger people are. I like this picture because, forgiving the relatively haphazard bondage, the man is an obvious (perhaps overly built) symbol of sex and yet still bears some of the markers of old age, such as graying hair.

America’s puritanical, sex-negative culture treats sexual expressions in old age as a shameful taboo. The ageism is so bad that recently Massachusetts state representative Kathi-Anne Reinstein has introduced a bill making it a crime for anyone over 60 to pose nude or sexually for a film or photo, as Dr. Marty Klein wrote in his post against the bill. Criminalizing the choices consenting adults can make is a direct attack against individual freedoms, and this proposed bill is simply one example of many similar attacks against the rights of polyamorous, kinky, and other people considered sexual outlaws in America, and all other countries with such draconian laws.



(via theonlygayinthevillage)

[ Posted Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:21:43 ]

Tagged with: solo, bondage, photograph

A feline-acting naked young man sits by a small bowl of dry food, licking his own leg as a cat might do.

Perhaps my own experience is simply too limited, but I find it remarkable that in eroticizing human-animal role play, it is femininity that gets associated with feline nature while masculinity appropriates canine imagery. Images like this one are not so hard to find with a female model (a “minx,” which references the Manx cat), complete with the blatant seductive intent behind licking oneself, which makes seeing a male model take this pose striking.

I also like this picture because I have a personal, distinct affinity for cats. Sometimes my notions of “pet play” are actually more feline than canine. Indeed, I can think of no men (except possibly myself) for whom pet play sometimes resonates more strongly with being a kitten than being a puppy.




GayPoRn tumblr

[ Posted Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:52:44 ]


Tagged with: photograph, solo, petplay

A naked young guy is securely tied to the legs of a chair, lying on his back on the floor with his legs spread apart and his ass in the air. A clothed man, whose face you do not see, is crouching beside him, thrusting some object into the him. The boy’s eyes are closed and his mouth is open as he ejaculates onto his own stomach and chest.

In this fun picture suggested by Derek Isme, I’m somewhat perplexed by the bondage rope; the fact that the ropes are so tightly wound around the naked man’s elbow joints make it evident that this is a depiction of fantasy. (For safety reasons, avoid binding joints with rope.) Nevertheless, the fantasy is an awesome one, and I especially like the way the bottom’s toes are drawn, curled with obvious tension.

Further, the top’s presence in the picture is clearly the secondary subject matter, but also note that the top is a man. If this were a “femdom” picture, I doubt the submissive subject would have played so obvious a primary role in the composition.


[ Posted Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:21:50 ]

Tagged with: bondage, homosexual

A man lays on a bed with his shirt pulled over his head and behind his neck. He is naked and clearly erect, blindfolded, and restrained with leather cuffs.

I love this picture. The only thing I don’t like about this picture is the fact that his restraints seem to be attached to one another with an easily removable clip, but that’s a largely insignificant detail considering the beautifully submissive pose (his head is turned aside…) and explicitly sexual objectification (his legs are spread open…).

Sadly, we are so used to hearing many of the words we use to describe our desires as negative references, that I think many people too often imbue sexuality itself with the negativity they hear referenced. This has far-reaching consequences, but none more personally damaging than the shame, guilt, and internalized self-loathing this causes. Rather than paint oneself into a negative corner due to a preconceived notion that something is bad, that sexual objectification is bad, why not separate the facts from the emotion; sexual objectification is neither good nor bad on its own, and can be one or the other depending on the context, social interaction, or other variables that make up the totality of corporeal experience.


(via realprincess)

[ Posted Mon, 06 Apr 2009 08:06:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, solo, black and white, photograph

A shirtless man lifts his arms over his head to reach for the head of a woman standing behind him. The woman has unbuckled his pants and is masturbating him while holding his side.

In this photograph it’s very evident that the man is the sex object yet he hasn’t become less masculine in the process, which makes the picture extremely sexy for me as a submissive man. This is contrary to most heterosexual imagery of the sort, which feels a need to feminize men. I think he’s also gagged with tape, but I can’t be certain. Naturally, leave it to me to add something like that to an image like this with my mind’s eye.




Up for it???

[ Posted Mon, 06 Apr 2009 03:06:43 ]


Tagged with: photograph, black and white

A muscular man lays over a woman’s lap as she thoroughly spanks him with a paddle. He is lustily ejaculating as she, smiling, reddens his ass.

This interesting drawing was suggested by Derek Isme. I like the way the picture captures a lightheartedness absent in many other drawn pictures; stars and hearts radiate from the man’s ass in a very comic book-like style, and it’s easy to see that both the man and woman are enjoying themselves. If I run with this lightheartedness, then the text caption, which I think reads, “He should’ve known better than to eat her last Twinkie…” can be humorous and playful.

However, that text also gives the image a narrative that implies the paddling is a punishment rather than simply fun. I often fear that this apparent paradox—that such playful punishment is fun—is confusing to people, not just people unfamiliar with BDSM play, and gets misinterpreted in many ways. Many people take this kind of play too seriously, perhaps in an effort to legitimize their activities or because they don’t think “it’s okay” to “just have fun,” and in so doing turn playful so-called punishments into rigid, rule-filled, protocol-laden interactions that do more to isolate themselves from their partner than anything else. That can quickly turn fun, social stuff like this paddling into very sad, lonely scenes, which I believe is one of the root problems with most male submissive imagery; i.e., the men can’t possibly be enjoying it, right? Wrong.


[ Posted Sun, 05 Apr 2009 22:06:43 ]

Tagged with: marks, narrative

A naked young man kneels over the corner of a bed, looking over his shoulder as a smiling, simply dressed young woman stands behind him with her whip at the ready.

This great picture suggested by Derek Isme has a distinct look of (I think) an oil painting. It’s the kind of artwork I would love to hang on the walls in my theoretical house because it’s, “a nice drawing of a simple domestic scene,” as Derek described it. Derek goes on to say, “I like how this normal appearing, and normally dressed, woman (no dominatrix!) has a little smile on her face, I like how the guy looks back at her, and I also like that the much larger man is not restrained in any way but is submitting willingly to this punishment.”

I am not convinced this scene is one in which punishment plays any involvement, and I also have grave misgivings about the way in which corporal and impact play is in general often conflated with punishment scenarios. I thoroughly enjoy being spanked, punched, whipped, and generally manhandled (and isn’t that an interesting, loaded word?) in a play context. Do athletes “punish” themselves when they push their bodies to the limit and enjoy it?


Update: I recently got some excellent feedback on this post that was very enlightening. As someone who is uninformed about the finer points of such things, it’s extremely educational when someone chooses to share their knowledge with me. Ilyena wrote in saying that the top in this picture is not at all “simply” dressed:

Those are either jodhpurs or riding breeches and good riding boots…and those aren’t cheap, or simple. Neither is that top, in all likelihood, but I can’t tell well enough. And with her hair pulled up in a dressage knot like that? That’s a powerful, rich woman wearing clothing and coiffure that proclaims it quite loudly.

Which is totally gorgeous and powerful and I really, really love that picture.


[ Posted Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:48:00 ]

Tagged with: narrative

Two shirtless men stand inches apart, the taller of the two with his hands cuffed above his head.

I like this suggestion from psychoadept a lot because the pose is a familiar one—standing inches away from a top can be either teasing or intimidating or both and more all at once—and because the bottom is the taller of the two men. Human behavior does not extend from our anatomy alone, and the fact that physically small people can be dominant while larger people can be submissive should serve as a reminder of this. On top of all that, the men in the photograph strike me as looking somewhat androgynous, which is sexy in its own right.


[ Posted Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:21:57 ]

Tagged with: bondage, homosexual

A man in crotchless leather pants leans back as his top pulls on chained nipple clamps leashed to the first man’s penis cage.

In this photograph suggested by psychoadept, it’s interesting to me to note how much influence the penis and, more generally, phallic power has over the notions of dominance and submission. Sometimes it’s difficult to tease apart the many interwoven strands in our understanding of sexuality; where does anatomy end and psychosexual influence begin?

I spend a lot of time comparing and contrasting the ways in which “straight” (often heterosexual) fetish culture de-sexualizes the male genitalia in bizarre and absurd ways, while the hyper-masculinized gay culture focuses much of its iconography on the penis in very objectifying, sexual ways. Never is this radical difference more apparent to me when looking at male chastity play. In both gay and straight cultures, chastised submissive men are kept under lock and key, but it’s almost exclusively in the heterosexually-focused chastity communities where the penis is derided or viewed in a negative, repulsive light. The iconography of male gay chastity play, on the other hand, often involves penile decoration more reminiscent of jewelry, which I’m much more partial to.


[ Posted Sat, 04 Apr 2009 16:15:00 ]


Tagged with: homosexual

A man soaked with water kneels in front of a barred door, his hands tied through the bars behind him. His thin white T-shirt and underwear are somewhat translucent from the wetness on them.

I really enjoy this picture for the obvious bondage, but even more so for the sense of vulnerability created through being visually exposed despite being clothed. I imagine that perhaps this man’s just gotten through being hosed down. I particularly like the fact that his mostly erect penis is visible, which I hope indicates his own pleasure at the situation.

Admittedly, my penis is a part of my anatomy I don’t always understand; sometimes it’s soft when I want it to be hard and sometimes its hard when I want it to be soft. Although jokes about the erect or flaccid state of a man’s penis are jovial, for some men, they can sometimes strike very close to home in a surprisingly painful way. I wouldn’t miss the absence of the assumption that a man is enjoying something if he’s erect and isn’t enjoying something if he’s flaccid, should we ever manage to abolish that expectation.






[ Posted Sat, 04 Apr 2009 07:25:43 ]

Tagged with: digital art, solo, bondage

A young man kneels on top of a bar as other men pull off his clothes to reveal his ass, fondling him and stuffing paper currency into his underwear.

There are two things I really like about this picture. First, the setting is obviously sexually charged and the objects of desire are men. You can even see a second stripper boy in the mirror near the top left corner of the photograph, complete with money sticking out of his underwear. Second, I like that this man is kneeling, head bowed, ass out, because it’s that position—not the fact that he’s a stripper—that makes the imagery a depiction of submission in my mind.

Moreover, to me, it doesn’t look like the physical money is the real currency being used here, but rather the display of sexuality. Indeed, sexuality used as a form of currency is so strongly vilified by our culture and our religions that no one—neither merchant nor customer—escapes the eternal branding of sinner. Neither misguided cultural or religious morals (nor governmental legislation) stop such activities and, worse, they also prevent the construction of support structures to help make stripping or any other sex work a physically safe and more enjoyable activity for both seller and buyer.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:36:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph, homosexual

A man wearing a jock strap kneels in the corner of a concrete room with twenty dollar bills and ejaculate strewn about his back.

Preconceptions and prejudices about prostitution are so deep-seated in our culture that the profession is almost always thought of as a woman’s job. In fact, so thoroughly does this belief permeate our society that the entire traditional courtship ritual revolves around the woman attracting, seducing, providing sexual satisfaction for a man, and the man pursuing her and showering her with material things. These "rules of flirting" have always felt sexist and wrong to me.

That’s why I can’t help but wish this photograph didn’t have quite so much of an obvious male gay aesthetic, because I feel like gay men are often lumped together with women in the eyes of hegemonically masculine men. How much more queering would this photograph have been if the man was a stereotypical, straight, “all American man,” yet without losing any of the erotic quality the dollars bills deposited on his ass have?



(via theonlygayinthevillage)

[ Posted Fri, 03 Apr 2009 05:14:44 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white

A winged man stands naked in a shroud of clouds, his hands wrapped in thick ropes.

This composite photograph was suggested by psychoadept. I like its symbolism, and it’s certainly sexy artwork, but I’d hardly call it something I can get off to. That’s okay of course and, again, I see plenty of merit, romance, and other positive expressions of the male body here. Mostly, I have a thing for subverting religious imagery (as well as sexy angels), since I believe that the most powerful ammunition we have against radical religious extremists is a message of sexual freedom and openness.


[ Posted Thu, 02 Apr 2009 08:12:44 ]


Tagged with: black and white, photograph, solo

A naked man is tied to a large wooden plank by another man, who is shirtless and wears a cowboy outfit.

Wendy Blackheart suggested this photograph, writing in to say “I like cowboys, particularly gay cowboy bondage. As you may expect, its hard to find. Note the black hat on the top—that means he’s a bad guy.”

Culture is something many people erroneously perceive as unchanging. In the pre-Stonewall gay community, effeminacy was widely accepted and hyper-masculinized imagery was a subculture underneath the already underground gay subculture. Cowboy and Western themes, notably muscled men in bondage, were marginalized. In the post-Stonewall era, the gay community marginalized effeminacy and prefers to project its hyper-masculine aesthetic to the world. I like this old image because it helps one stay aware of this constantly changing cultural stereotype, which is present in all cultures and in all situations. I hope it serves as a reminder to avoid letting cultural noncompliance result in prejudiced or oppressive actions of any kind.



GayPoRn tumblr

[ Posted Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:12:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, homosexual, Black and White, bondage

A half-dressed man stares across a room at a woman dressed in her underwear and heels, as she inexplicably writhes against a pillar.

Okay, one last April Fools’ Day picture and then we’re done, I promise—really, because this series hurt me a lot more than it hurt some of you.

Another thing I despise about much of the way submissive men are portrayed is that they are de-sexualized while the cisgendered dominant woman is hypersexualized, as this picture clearly showcases. Even here, though, most of the photograph is far more focused on her than it is on him. This merely emphasizes the virgin-whore duplicity in the way such imagery depicts women, and simultaneously reinforces the insignificance of the submissive man along with both partners’ (falsely) unattainable sexuality. In other words, dominant women are at once the ultimate sex symbol and untouchable—they are put into the no-sex class—and submissive men are made instantly undesirable, incapable, and unsexy, since being sexy is a role filled by the woman.

When is our culture going to realize that sex appeal is not a zero sum game? If you sexualize women, men shouldn’t have to become less sexy, nor is sexualizing men a threat to a man’s masculinity or a woman’s femininity. Sadly, pornographers seem completely blind to these facts, and I imagine this is because their agenda is to make a buck. Even more sad, however, is that they don’t realize that their easily sustainable market of horny human beings can only grow—not shrink—if they participated in a world-wide movement to bring truly equal sexual opportunity to everybody. But, and here’s where they all fall short, it’s just not possible to do that when what you’re really after is the paycheck—which is why this site is now and will forever be non-commercial.

I sincerely hope that pornographers and other individuals will one day realize the benefits of creating an honest-to-goodness level playing field, along with new standards that actually make it possible to provide for the wants and needs of all people. The only way to make sex a positive thing, including for those people who do want to make money off of it, is to start this way: free, open, transparent, and fair in each and every way.

Please help me get us there. All right, enough proselytizing. Tomorrow we’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming of hot, hot men being all submissive and hot and stuff.


[ Posted Wed, 01 Apr 2009 12:54:45 ]

Tagged with: photograph

Some anonymous masked guy stands against a wall as a shirtless woman gives him a handjob.

In this next post in the April Fools’ Day series of pornography that will never make it on this site on any other day, we see a shoot, although I’ve come to half-jokingly call the site (Take one guess as to why.)

Probably the most aggravating thing about this photograph, however, is the fact that this man is wearing a mask. He’s not wearing a mask because it’s sexy, because if he were he would have taken it off during the post-scene interview photograph. No, instead, he’s wearing it to hide his identity. Remind me again how it’s not unspeakably sexist to make female sex workers reveal their identity while not holding male sex workers to the same standards. And, by the way, it makes for worse porn!

So, first, if you’re going to make a site about men getting hurt, hurt them. (I mean like, really, actually hurt them—consensually, of course!) Next, if you’re going to be incredibly sexist while you do it, you might as well hurt the men a lot! No, you’re right, that doesn’t actually make up for anything. I just really, really, really want to see some men actually bottoming to the same degree of hardcore play as I see so many sites have women doing. Why? Because—newsflash!—that’s what’s fun, and hot.

I wonder if the word “art” in the name of this site tends to throw some people off, because rather than worrying about whether or not their image suggestions contain erotic male submission, they worry about whether the picture is “artistic enough.” Now, I want to make it clear that I certainly enjoy the very artistic, the high-fashion, and the esoteric imagery of male submission that I receive from readers and find on my own.

That said, and this is actually the second reason I want to showcase this anti picture, there is so much more of that than there is of men actually physically bottoming in BDSM scenes that it’s become a priority for me to try and find “the hardcore stuff” that doesn’t totally suck. As it happens, turns out this is sadly a huge challenge. Case in point: did you even notice that this guys ankles weren’t even tied yet?


[ Posted Wed, 01 Apr 2009 07:54:44 ]

Tagged with: photograph

An unimportant, uninteresting man is hidden behind an almost-sneering woman wearing a black leather corset, thigh-high stockings, shiny black leather gloves and holding a flogger. She is ostensibly preparing to do something with that flogger, but it seems that instead she is enthralled by this amazing technology called a camera, which is pointed directly at her.

So, for one day only, I’ve decided to do something different with this site. Instead of showing you male submission, I’m going to show you female dominance—and not the good stuff, but the wretched, frustratingly misguided, infuriatingly common crap pornographers try to pass off as being “marketed for submissive men.” I’m doing this for a few reasons, which I’ll share throughout the day. (Happy April Fools’ Day!)

One reason is because I’m still completely baffled as to why many people continually suggest images to me that are so obviously about a dominant woman instead of being about a submissive man, which is expressly what this site is trying to avoid.

Kind of like this photograph actually, which, as you can see, has absolutely nothing to do with male submission and instead is entirely about (really unattractive, fake-looking) female dominance. I mean, fuck, you barely even see his hand! There is zero connection between the dominant woman and submissive man in this photo. Why is he even there? He might as well not be, because she’s clearly more interested in the photographer than her own submissive play partner. As a submissive man, being uninteresting to my top is not sexy to me. And really, why is that a goddamn newsflash to anyone?

Now, I’d have nothing against this picture if I hadn’t found it by searching for “male submission pictures” and ending up at a “femdom gallery” site. There are so many things I find aggravating about that series of events, but as this is getting kind of long already, I’ll just say see also my entire other blog.


[ Posted Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:05:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A bound and gagged man kneels on the floor, as his top stands over him, pulling his hair.

I kind of wish the lighting wasn’t so dark in this picture by the artists at Sproject, because everything else about it is absolutely wonderful. I want to extend a big thanks to Derek Isme for continuing to send in these sorts of images.

I will make a point to remark on the caution required in play when ropes are circled around a bottom’s neck, though. It’s important to have a pair of EMT safety shears nearby, and it usually helps if they are some obscene neon color so that they’re easy to spot. Also, please make sure your safety shears can actually cut through the rope you’re using by testing that this is the case before you begin to play on a short, spare length of your rope.


[ Posted Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:36:44 ]

Tagged with: photograph, bondage

A naked blindfolded man on his hands and knees is shown reacting with pain, pleasure, surprise, or maybe all of these things as another man works on him from behind

Derek Isme sent in this photograph originating from a German group of artists calling themselves Sproject whose work focuses on ”the human—mainly but not only the male—body […] in its natural shape[…]. Together with our models we try to discover their possibilities and limitations.”

I like how much the state of mind of the two men is made the focus in this picture. Anal play of this sort is not rare, nor is there much complexity in the activity depicted here, and yet the majority of pornographic artwork focuses solely on the act of penetration in a very detached, ultimately boring way. That’s fun to see happen for a few seconds, but there’s not much variety in the way that looks. Porn that shows more of what’s really going on, like this picture, will end up getting me much more engaged.


[ Posted Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:36:45 ]

Tagged with: black and white, photograph, homosexual

A heavily tattooed man is suspended against a grungy brick wall, his arms stretched above his head, with only a dirty piece of cloth tied around his waist.

This interesting photograph was suggested by Derek Isme, who says, “I love the color of the picture and the way the man’s body melds into the wall.” I do too, but the reason his works for me is because I really like the contrast between the man’s intricate tattoos and the grungy surroundings. It’s as though a fantasy world came to life in a tunnel or in an abandoned warehouse.


[ Posted Tue, 31 Mar 2009 08:36:44 ]

Tagged with: photograph, bondage, solo

A man is stripped of his clothes, gagged, and blindfolded on a bed. A shoelace binds and separates his testicles, and ejaculate spills down one side of his abdomen.

This photograph was suggested by psychoadept, who said it was a treasure in a personal collection for years. I can see why since there’s lots to like about this picture. Most interestingly in my mind is the fact that this depicts a point in time after the traditional “money shot.” This man isn’t orgasming, he’s already come, yet he is still beautiful, still desirable, and certainly not least importantly, he’s still tied up.

In so much erotica about male submission, the result of a man’s orgasm—his ejaculate—is made to be a degrading, “messy” thing, which can be sexy if that’s what you’re into, but the monotony of it and the lack of other opinions is just crazy. I hope looking at this picture makes submissive men realize that you’re not being a “bad submissive” if you want to get off, I hope it makes dominants realize how much power can be taken in the giving of pleasure, and I hope it makes pornographers realize that their money shots aren’t always what they think they are.


[ Posted Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:36:43 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph, black and white, solo

Gagged and tied to a chair with ropes, a naked man looks back over his shoulder, anal beads hanging over the edge of the chair.

This is a fan art drawing by the relatively well known P.L. Nunn. It was suggested by psychoadept, who said that this treasure was a part of a personal collection for years. I love P.L Nunn’s work because it’s both usually somewhat hardcore-esque and it also has the requisite attention to detail that make the imagery more than just satisfactory, but actually very high quality. In this picture, I love the man’s longing look.

Sadly, I tend to find the sort of more hardcore imagery depicting men that I often desire is only available as drawn art. While drawn art is very lovely, I would really love to see an abundance of actual men actually doing this sort of stuff. It’s not like we don’t exist in reality, so why are we so rarely represented this way in (photographic, video, etc.) pornography?


[ Posted Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:25:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, solo, digital art

A man naked sits to a chair that his ankles are tied to. His hands and penis are both tied to a single rope anchored above him, keeping them raised.

I like how open this man’s body language is despite how shy he seems to be, looking down as he is. I also like the rope work around the mans ankles and chair, but not around his wrists.

Pictures like this make me sad that more men don’t feel comfortable being sexualized, being the subject of a gaze. Some more radical women’s movements would have you believe there isn’t any desirable value in being in that spot, but I have to disagree. The problem isn’t inherent in the activity itself, but in the repression men who want to be there force upon themselves, or the prejudices women who don’t want to be there are forced to endure.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:24:21 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph, solo

A thin young man tied in a rope harness with his hands behind his back kneels on the floor. He is bent forward, his top’s shoed foot pressing on his ass.

Personally, I find myself more attracted to lean, not muscly, men so I find the hyper-masculinity in most gay pornography somewhat strange. Instead, I found myself much more attracted to yaoi-style images, like this one, where both the tops and the bottoms are typically much leaner, much smaller men. Interestingly, even in this style, it is still the larger, typically taller partner that is cast into the top’s role.


(via doggies)

[ Posted Sun, 29 Mar 2009 18:06:00 ]

Tagged with: black and white, digital art

A man wearing a simple, heavy chain collar padlocked around his neck licks his top’s boot.

We should each be allowed to pick and choose the expression that we find most suitable for our desires and, despite the fact that the leather community feels foreign to me in many ways, I can still identify with the emotion (if not the activity) depicted in this photograph. The misconceptions about male submission I’m trying to dispel with this site are dangerous because they limit the opportunities submissive men have to find expressions of our submission that are considered acceptable or understood in the wider world. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these stereotypes don’t affect your bedroom, because they do.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Sun, 29 Mar 2009 07:35:43 ]

Tagged with: photograph, black and white

A woman agressively kisses a man on the lips, holding his head with one hand while closing his nose, forcing him to hold his breath, with her other hand.

I’ve rarely seen breath play without gear like this in erotic imagery, even though it’s arguably the most common form of the activity. Being kissed forcefully can be a beautiful, passionate expression of dominance and submission, but being forced to hold one’s breath for the duration of the kiss adds dramatic elements of control to the act that I find exceptionally arousing. This is one example a simple, no-frills, yet highly effective kind of play and I’m happy to see that this image, suggested by discworldian, focuses on the play itself as opposed to distracting accoutrements.

That being said, please bear in mind that breathing is really important to do on a very regular basis and in highly predictable patterns. One easy way tops can ensure that they don’t over exert their bottom is to hold their breath in time with their bottom during play as well. At the very least, be mindful enough to maintain a mental count of how long you’ve been holding your bottom’s airways closed for. Erotic asphyxiation is only erotic if you can both still breathe after playtime is over.


[ Posted Sat, 28 Mar 2009 05:00:49 ]


Tagged with: photograph

Two muscular men have anal sex with the bottom bent over a desk as the top grasps onto his shoulders for leverage.

It’s a well known fact that facial expressions of intense pleasure mirror those of intense pain with a startling degree of similarity. I find it interesting that, of the two emotions, studies have revealed pain easier to detect than sexual pleasure (PDF). Of course, there may be many reasons for this, but regardless of the reasoning, the conflation of pain and pleasure has also been at the root of many a fantasy.

Equally interestingly is the fact that there are pornographic web sites dedicated solely to the depiction of women’s facial expressions during times of either pain, or pleasure, or both. Since facial expressions are so clearly attractive, why are they so lacking in the majority of porn that depicts men? Further, why are hegemonic masculine men so adamant about their stoicism? I strongly dislike the idea that a “real man” doesn’t cry, doesn’t scream, or doesn’t whimper. When I’m getting beaten, or fucked, the last thing I want to do is “take it like a man.” If I have to outwardly pretend that it isn’t happening, what fun is it going to be? (Hint: not a lot.)

A tip to submissive guys: a blank expression will get you no where; your face will be sexy if you’re expressive, like the sexy man in this photograph.




[ Posted Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:17:42 ]

Tagged with: photograph, homosexual

A naked man lies on the floor beneath a group of men who wear only boots. Some of the standing men are stepping on him, while the feet of others are being held by him.

This is a somewhat strange photograph because the naked man on the floor seems to be flagging as a top, since his leather arm band is encircling his left arm. This tells me that either the photographer was unaware of the symbolism being used, or—optimistically—that the image is intended to blur the line between dominance and submission.

Regardless, I enjoy the duality presented here. The man lying down looks at once strong and submissive; the men standing above him are equally strong and somewhat vulnerable, unclothed save for their boots, as well. I also love the raw sex appeal in the way one of the standing men is pressing his boot onto the naked man’s ass, and how the man laying down has his hips pressing back against the other man’s boot a little bit.



(via pornotumble)

I like this!  So much that I posted it two days ago. (reblog credits?)

[ Posted Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:17:45 ]

Tagged with: photograph, homosexual

Two naked men lay on a couch with their heads rested on a third, clothed man.

This striking picture was suggested by psychoadept, and I think what gets me most intrigued about it is the way in which all three men are clearly comfortable in their positions. Not only is it relatively easy (and fun) to read into their body language and the power dynamic encouraged by the distinction of being clothed or not, but exactly what these individual’s relationships are to one another is also at question.

Does this man have two submissive partners? Are they a polyamorous closed triad? It’s impossible to tell, and that’s really the way it should be. Most people know that they can’t accurately judge a book by its cover, so why do they think they can judge a relationship dynamic so much more simply?




[ Posted Thu, 26 Mar 2009 09:40:42 ]

Tagged with: homosexual, photograph

A teacher/student role play scenario unfolds, where one young man is bent over the teacher’s desk about to receive a paddling from her, and another man stands in the corner with his pants around his ankles.

I really despise the left-most third of this image, but despite the cliché overtones that thoroughly soak this image, I actually really like the photograph’s right-most two-thirds. This has a lot to do with the man’s expression and his clear body language, two things I like to focus on and that don’t appear often enough. Mostly, I like the way the bend at his waist makes him appear subdued.

I’d also be remiss not to use this as an opportunity to remark on the prevalence of pornographic imagery in which submissive men are made to stand in corners away from their tops. This feels so anti-sex to me it makes me viscerally upset. Why is it, I have to ask, that sexualizing submissiveness in women focuses so much on experiencing physical contact with their bodies while sexualizing submissiveness in men seems so focused on avoiding sexual contact with them? I hate to burst your bubble (wait, no I don’t), but dominant women like sex, too! You’d think submissive men would be right up their alley, so to speak, and that pornographers would avoid treating women as the no-sex class all the goddamn time.



(via fessee)

[ Posted Thu, 26 Mar 2009 04:40:45 ]


Tagged with: photograph

A blindfolded man sits between two women, handcuffed and naked, as the scantily-clad women touch him with their hands and mouths.

There’s simultaneously something attractive and a little off putting in this photograph, but it’s subtle enough that while looking at the image I wonder if I’ve simply become too jaded over the years. Specifically, the degree with which the women modeling here are fetishized by virtue of their dress (shiny, heeled boots, or perhaps their lack of dress) makes me think this is really a male photographer’s fantasy more than anything else, and if that’s so, I question whether the image is depicting subservient female dominance instead of masculine submission.

Now the question becomes: is that so wrong? Of course, the answer is no: value judgements about sex are inherently subjective and, for the most part, kind of nonsensical. However, this site wouldn’t exist if, somewhere among the plethora of sex imagery so easily available today, there existed a space wherein I could spend my time looking at pornography that doesn’t jade me. Since that space doesn’t yet exist, value judgements that I pass on imagery like this to highlight the lack of other forms seems more than reasonable to me.


[ Posted Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:40:00 ]


Tagged with: photograph, black and white, bondage

A naked man is tied spread-eagled to four stakes in the ground. The wilderness is sandy and a mountain range is in the distance.

I’m uncertain whether the man in this photograph is smiling or not, but either way I like that we can see his face (although I do wish the knots in the ropes holding him between the stakes were better). The image almost looks like it was taken from a movie, and so I’m extremely curious about what its context was. Have you noticed that, in almost every medium, whenever the notion of tying someone up outdoors comes up there’s an explicitly sexual connotation to the activity if the bound person is a woman, but if the person is a man the context is one of “man versus nature,” suddenly turning barbarian-esque? Even as a young boy, that difference was not lost on me, and it resulted in some very strong desires to become a woman.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:39:46 ]

Tagged with: bondage, solo, photograph

A man gagged with duct tape is manhandled by two other men, their hands forcefully holding him by the head and neck.

I found this picture via Gloria Brame, who says the photographer is Leo Herrera (but I can’t seem to verify where his site is dirtylittlesecret vouches for that link; thanks! Also thanks to Derek Isme, who informs us Leo Herrera has another, more pornographic site). I’m extremely enamored with the picture because many things about it, the color, the composition, are very abrasive. There’s an undeniable undercurrent of rough, almost brutal force that I find extremely sexy when acted upon in mutually consenting ways. I call this a “fighty” space at times, and its exemplary of my desire to push myself and my partners out of comfort zones in the pursuit of our relationships’ growth.


[ Posted Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:39:00 ]


Tagged with: homosexual, photograph

A shirtless young man on his hands and knees smiles as a man straddling his back holds his head by his hair. The man on top is pants-less and is spraying shaving cream onto the kneeling man’s face.

This fun picture, suggested by Derek Isme, is one of Diana Scheunemann’s photographs. Derek notes that “[the photographer’s] work is certainly not focused on sexuality or, even less, male submission themes, but there certainly are aspects of that in a number of her photographs.” With regards to this particular picture, Derek writes, that there’s ”Nothing overtly sexual, and certainly nothing explicit [in this picture], but—to me at least—[it’s] really fun and sexy.”

I also like this image for its fun, playful sexiness, but also because its narrative is easy to grasp and steer in whatever direction I want to for my own fantasies. The focal point for me is the fact that the one man is holding the other’s head by his hair. I think that if the picture omitted that aspect, I’d have a lot more trouble enjoying it in this way.


[ Posted Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:08:42 ]


Tagged with: photograph, narrative

A group of men in their underwear lasciviously surround a blindfolded and shirtless man wearing jeans.

I have to confess some confusion over this photograph, suggested by Psychoadept. Where is the submissive subject? Where’s the dominant one? Is there one, or either? I can project a fair amount of submission onto the blindfolded man in the middle. Naturally, the fact he’s blindfolded helps, as does the relatively passive pose he’s in when compared to many of the other men in this picture. I can also imagine all of them as submissive to a dominantly voyeuristic viewer.

However, why’s everyone else already more naked than he is and what, if anything, does that say about the way the blindfolded man is ostensibly depicted as the object of a sexualized gaze? Ultimately, I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I like that the photograph made me ask them. I also like the fact that these men are in physical contact with one another, which I don’t see in fashion shoots often unless the models are women. 


[ Posted Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:08:45 ]

Tagged with: photograph, homosexual

A young shirtless man on the floor affectionately holds onto a booted foot, licking its length. His jeans are skimpy and reveal his ass.

There’s something that strikes me as both incredibly passionate and incredibly desperate about this picture, which I find hot. It’s also nice to note that the boot in this photograph isn’t raised on heels. Whether that means the owner of the foot inside it is male or female, I can’t be sure, but it doesn’t really matter. In either case, this strong young man is on the floor at the feet of his top, his engagement in the activity clear—that’s what makes it sexy.



(via fixator)

[ Posted Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:49:00 ]

Tagged with: photograph

A naked young man is gagged, seated on the floor. His arms are fastened to chains above his head and is wearing a metallic cock ring behind his erect penis.

This photograph suggested by Derek Isme makes me (and, I bet boatloads of other people) extremely happy. Derek writes, “What I like best is how the boy’s eyes are drawn to the chains binding his arms, which for me just reinforces his submission and surrender of control.” I’ll add that the position of hands adds a huge amount to the scene, as well. I love that he’s obviously pulling against the chains in futile resistance, which I’m also immensely fond of doing and, perhaps paradoxically to some, makes the entire notion of surrender that much more freeing.


[ Posted Sun, 22 Mar 2009 18:40:44 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph, black and white, solo

A man laying on his stomach on a twin-sized bed wearing only socks and leather cuffs at his ankles and a matching collar around his neck props himself up with his arms, smiling broadly.

In this great photograph suggested by Ranai, I see all those times during sex and play where smiling and laughter is the focus in between all the rough and tumble physicality. I love it, because I find it impossible to have the one without the other. Ranai also remarks on the amount of water (or urine?) on the floor, postulating that this may be hinting at why this man is so obviously enjoying himself.


[ Posted Sun, 22 Mar 2009 13:40:00 ]

Tagged with: solo, black and white, photograph

Two leather-men prepare a meal of “doggie snax” and urine for their collared and leashed puppy boy.

This drawing style is classic, first popularized by Tom of Finland and although I don’t particularly identify with much of the gay leather culture, I do find the artwork extremely sexy. As with many of Tom’s drawing, there’s a lot going on here; puppy play, obvious sadomasochistic overtones evidenced by the lacerations on the submissive boy’s back, and of course a certain element of pleasurable dirtiness that I consistently hesitate to call degradation or humiliation, although those are the terms most people use.

One of the reasons I love Tom of Finland’s work so much is specifically thanks to the way these images depict this aspect of “dirtiness” while avoiding the “degradation” I loathe. As usual, this has a lot to do with the fact that despite being “filthy,” the submissive men are still shown as sexy, desirable creatures.


(via doggies)

[ Posted Fri, 20 Mar 2009 21:52:43 ]

Tagged with: petplay, homosexual, black and white, watersports

A naked man is cuffed spread-eagled on a plain surface using padded, lockable leather buckles around his wrists and ankles.

I’m pretty certain I don’t like the perspective this photograph was shot with, but I’m also pretty certain that I love the simple, effective bondage and lack of overwrought, stereotyped sexuality. The fact that this man’s penis isn’t even hard actually makes the image even sexier for me because (and I often question if pornographers know this), in reality, men’s penises aren’t always erect. Sometimes they’re not, yet—low and behold—we still express our sexuality in flaccid states, too.


(via pornotumble)

[ Posted Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:38:44 ]

Tagged with: bondage, solo, photograph

An aroused young man stands with his arms tied above his head as another man with a tattoo on his left shoulder kneels in front of him, performing fellatio.

This beautiful photograph by John Chilton was suggested by Derek Isme. I really like how the tied man is looking at his top instead of looking elsewhere, which makes the connection between them shine through in the picture. There is also traditional leather iconography in this picture, evidenced by the fact that the tattooed man—who is ostensibly the dominant partner despite performing fellatio on his bound partner—wears a studded leather bracelet on his left hand. In areas where subcultures like BDSM were (are?) unacceptable, subtle codes were developed to facilitate communication between people in the know. The simple example shown here is that wearing a leather bracelet on one’s left wrist indicates a dominant orientation whereas wearing it on one’s right wrist indicates a submissive one.


[ Posted Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:38:42 ]

Tagged with: black and white, bondage, homosexual, photograph

A naked man on his knees is tied with his elbows behind a wooden rod, his cock and balls made pronounced with thin rope, and a gag in his mouth.

This drawing is almost too blatantly obvious for me to post in good conscious if only because the level of objectification on the male form is so depicted so aggressively. That’s not really bad, it’s just lacking a bit of emotional content that I tend to prefer, personally. I think that’s probably why I envision the rest of this man’s bondage as ropes that are pulling his head back by tying his hair to his ankles…or maybe that’s just my own little fantasy.




Forbidden drawings 124

[ Posted Thu, 19 Mar 2009 19:38:42 ]


Tagged with: bondage, black and white, solo

A kneeling man is shown wearing heavy metal globe bondage gloves, a thick metal collar, and a metal short-term chastity belt.

I enjoy both the gear on the model and his posture in this photograph. The metal toys add a sense of ferociousness to his pose and expression, as though only restraints as strong and unyielding as metal could keep this man tame. Although I often enjoy being small and vulnerable, I also enjoy feeling large and powerful at times, and I see no paradox whatsoever in both activities involving physical restraint and loss of control.


(via doggies)

[ Posted Wed, 18 Mar 2009 22:16:43 ]

Tagged with: solo, black and white, photograph, bondage

A naked man is bent lengthwise over a spanking bench bench and cuffed to it at the wrists and ankles, as a woman dressed only in lingerie fucks him.

When looking at pictures and trying to decide what to post versus what not to post, sometimes it’s the simplest things that sway me. Case in point, I wouldn’t have posted this image if I couldn’t see the man’s face. I’m not particularly wild about the somewhat stereotypical portrayal of the woman’s outfit, but I do recognize that sometimes such trappings are a valid part of sex. Once again, it’s the high degree of action depicted in this drawing that makes me enjoy it; the she’s grabbing his hips, the angle of her body against his, the wetness on his face from his eyes and mouth, and so on.

As an aside, I’ve discovered that when pegging men who’re laying face-down, it feels better for both parties if the woman’s strap-on cock is pointed with the bend downwards (“upside down”) such that the bend will press against the man’s prostate when thrusting. Or at least, this is the case when pegging me, anyway.


(via littlemisterman)

[ Posted Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:16:43 ]

Tagged with: bondage

A naked man is tightly bound up on a large metal Ankh while a clothed woman inspects his caged penis.

I was at first hesitant to post this, afraid that some of the symbolism here was too reminiscent of some of the fouler aspects of so-called Female Supremacy life-stylers (which I tend to really dislike—yes, even though I’m a submissive man). After showing it to a dominantly-inclined friend of mine, I reconsidered since she made the very good point that the detail is interesting, and evokes a sort of virtual world experience through the digital art’s look-and-feel despite being almost absurdist. Then again, if we can’t be somewhat absurd in our fantasy world outlets, where can we be?



(via deculottee)

[ Posted Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:16:43 ]

Tagged with: bondage, digital art

A puppy boy holds a bone in his mouth while chained and tethered to his playspace in the outdoors.

If this were a picture of me, I’d probably have an awfully wide smile on my face. Very often, scenes are constrained by their environment, which is often much more limited than many of us wish they would be. Whether this is because the intimacy of play demands a certain privacy or because we haven’t any safe space where the activities involved in our play would be allowed, that fact remains, so I love that this puppy has a safe outdoor place to play that we see in this photograph. Even more, I love how thoroughly chained up he is, which no doubt adds to the immersive experience of reveling as a puppy in his owner’s backyard playpen.


(via doggies)

Update: On September 3rd, 2009, I received an amazing email about this photograph from none other than the model himself:

Recently came across—and fell in love with—Male Submission Art. […] I was surprised to catch a picture of myself though. […] I’m proud as hell of my puppy years, now that I’m a grumpier and older mutt, but I generally don’t like running across them at random online.

That said, yours is probably the first use I’ve ever encountered of any of these that left me warm and fuzzy inside. The caption covered it entirely, and the last line nailed the experience of the thing. That was part of a long term experience, and you can probably tell from the photo.

Generally, I request that these photos be taken down. In this case, I’m hesitant to do that because of how well I feel you’ve treated the image. You understood what it represented instead of handling it as raw porn, and that goes a very long way. In this case I would be comfortable with the image quality being slightly degraded or blurred around the face.

I can only barely begin to express how happy this email made me. When Eileen and I announced the idea of this site, the responses we got varied. Some people liked the concept, while others were a little hostile. Many complaints centered around the fact that using photographs we didn’t create as centerpieces of content for a site like this was not only illegal, but immoral, despite the fact that I am now and always have been incredibly clear about how much we respect people’s personal rights and privacy. (And as you can see, I’ve blurred the image as requested.)

That’s why the email quoted above resonated so strongly. I’m fully aware of the often disrespectful misuse of other people’s hard work (I’ve been the victim of this in both personal and professional circles). Even more than that, though, it was validating to hear that the model’s opinion of my use of this photograph is in sharp contrast to the ones he found that treated it like “raw porn.” Later in our email conversation, he wrote:

First and foremost, as I said, it’s great to see it treated the way it felt, as opposed to jackoff material. […] Last but not least, great site. Both of them! You’ve got an impressive body of stuff on, and it’s nice to see quality out there again. I wrote a good bit on dogplay and its psychology and mechanics years ago for my own site, but having seen it lifted and reprinted without credit too many times I gave up. I wish creative commons had existed back then, I’d have continued. Bumping into your site was an extremely pleasant surprise.

I find people are frequently bemoaning the demise and devolution of society, saying things are getting worse every day, but in reality things are getting better. As the model in this photograph wishes Creative Commons existed when he was writing, how many people who constantly run into porn online today—sometimes regardless of whether they intend to or not—will wish for sexual imagery that’s heartier, smarter, and more thoughtful? That’s the theme which permeated our brief email conversation, which itself so fully embodies the mission of this site, and so much of my other work.


[ Posted Wed, 18 Mar 2009 07:16:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, petplay, photograph, solo

An undressed man lays on a bed with his hands behind the heavy wooden headboard.

These are the sorts of pictures that I yell at, screaming, “Tie him up! Tie him up!” over and over again. Seriously, to curate this site I spend hours—and I do mean hours—looking at porn. A huge majority portion of that porn is of women (because that’s what’s available), and they’re usually tied up. Only a fraction are images of men like this one. Although sexy, these lack the obvious submissive context present in so many of the pictures of the women even though it would be so easy—so easy—to add a blatantly submissive context to some of these depictions. Hence, I repeat yet again, tie him up!


(via fixator)

[ Posted Wed, 18 Mar 2009 02:16:42 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo

Holding his arms behind his back, a naked man stands under a chain that’s attached to his leather collar with a carabiner.

There’s a lot about this photograph that makes the model look as though he’s a feral animal—and I like that. At the same time, there’s a certain relaxed pleasure in his face that’s also extremely attractive. It all amounts to an incredibly hot picture!

A final noteworthy point is that if you’re going to be using a bottom’s neck as an attachment point like this, it’s extremely important to monitor them closely at all times. Ignorance or negligence (which is unsurprisingly often exasperated by ignorance) can turn a sexy scene into a fatal scene very, very quickly. Playing can be physically tiring, so be ready to support your bottom’s weight if they slump or fall.



(via moistboys)

[ Posted Tue, 17 Mar 2009 02:18:42 ]

Tagged with: solo, photograph, black and white

A seated man is threatened by two women concealing their faces. One woman kneels behind the chair holding a knife to the man’s throat, while the other woman ties his wrists with a length of rope.

Personally, I don’t really enjoy the feel of sharps, including knives, however their psychological impact on play is uniquely powerful, and exhilarating. Thanks to that, knife play—especially knife play around my neck and face—is by far my favorite form of play with sharp objects, and that’s precisely what gets me off about this picture. That, and also the fact that it’s the women who are somewhat masked, the opposite of traditional erotic iconography where the men (submissive or otherwise) are hidden from view.


(via plainnasty)

[ Posted Mon, 16 Mar 2009 21:18:43 ]

Tagged with: bondage, narrative

Standing naked in a bare yet opulent room under a chandelier, a man holds a length of chain taught above his head.

This is a photograph that makes my mind race with so many fantasy explanations that I can’t actually pick just one to focus on. Perhaps the image shows an otherwise modest servant about to be disciplined, or maybe he’s actually the master of the house who’s personally submissive and he’s entertaining dominantly-inclined guests. In my mind’s eye, only one thing is constant: that chain he’s holding is going to be locked around his wrists in very short order.





[ Posted Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:12:44 ]


Tagged with: solo, black and white, photograph

A blonde boy wearing a leather chest harness with a leash and matching thigh- and arm-length garments is bent over the edge of a table as another man penetrates him anally.

Okay, I admit it: I actually really enjoy anime-style drawings, like this one. The single most attractive thing about all of these kinds of pictures for me is actually the obvious and intense facial expressions on the men. In this picture, the intensity of the sex is plainly visible on the bottom’s face, and the reciprocal pleasure is equally obvious on the top’s face. The outfits and the bondage gear are also sexy, but those aspects are more or less commonplace in photography of this sort; what’s rare in such photography, to my endless discontent, is the evidence of intensity and emotion.



found on animeotk

[ Posted Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:12:45 ]

Tagged with: homosexual, digital art, bondage

A naked man is blindfolded and leans against a door frame, hands bound behind his back.

My thanks go to Derek Isme for suggesting this photograph by John Chilton. It’s a very pretty picture, no doubt, and I like the way the lighting in the background (through the window shades) makes it look like this was actually shot during the day. Somehow, daytime isn’t really associated with sex or playtimes—especially when fetishistic desires are thrown into the mix. I do hope this man’s top is somewhere nearby, of course, since I’d be more than miffed if I were blindfolded and tied up and left to wander around the house totally alone.


[ Posted Sun, 15 Mar 2009 23:12:44 ]

Tagged with: black and white, bondage, photograph, solo

Five men in various states of undress are tied in numerous different ways by two women. Three of the men are bound to trees with thick ropes, another is tied to a fence, and a third lays naked on the ground while one of the women ties his wrists behind his back with a leather belt.

This fashion photography advertisement produced by DSquared was sent in by Derek Isme, who writes:

The D & G ad that you included among yesterday’s pictures is nice, and I understand your disdain for the way they depict the flawless male bodies. My favourite ads—which do share the same body types and images—come from DSquared. [This is one] of my favorites showing active, dominant women using ropes to play with passive, undressed, and pretty young men.  Staged and [emotionless], but still I like it!

I look at these sorts of pictures and I have to wonder where the smiles have gone. In so much advertising, smiling is not just a luxury but a necessity. So too should this be with sex—yes, even “hardcore BDSM sex” (which this image is not). The fact that mainstream depictions of bondage fantasies so routinely lack the jubilant emotions that frequently accompany such activity is a real sore point for me, one made even more bitter by the ridiculously somber way many in the BDSM community itself portray what it is that we do to the rest of the world.


[ Posted Sun, 15 Mar 2009 18:12:00 ]

Tagged with: bondage, photograph

In front of an outdoor pool and playground, one man lies naked on the ground as another scantily clad man holds the first man’s wrists behind his back. The man on top also holds the first man’s head and knees down to the ground.

This somewhat odd photograph was suggested by Walt. I’m a bit perplexed by a number of things here, such as why the man laying down is wearing one—that’s right, only one—sock, and I’m at a loss to figure out what the other man’s clothes are supposed to be. Also, that backyard pool looks like they’re missing their 2.5 kids and a dog somewhere.

Then again, maybe that’s the point. The idyllic notion of having a house, 2.5 kids, and a dog, is such a foreign and alien thing to so many people. I’d feel much more at home with a dungeon and a sturdy set of cages where the family pet (that’s me, for those who haven’t kept up so far) could spend a cozy night. Now, that’s not to say a happy and successful life is not something I desire, but rather that what happiness and success looks like is not something other people can define for me. In fact, it’s the people who define happiness in ways that are alien to the way I do that are the least capable of making my reality one in which I can freely practice the American ideals of a pursuit of happiness.


[ Posted Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:49:43 ]

Tagged with: homosexual, photograph

Three shirtless men surround a naked man laying in a chair the shape of a cross that has medical restraints on its arm- and leg-rests.

This picture strikes me as a classic example of homosexually-themed advertising. it’s difficult for me to forgive a company like Dolce & Gabbana for their cookie-cutter depictions of men’s bodies, but at the same time the possibilities that having a bondage chair like the one shown here opens up for my fantasies is hard to discount. My thanks go to specialist for suggesting this photograph.


[ Posted Sat, 14 Mar 2009 06:57:43 ]

Tagged with: photograph, homosexual

A man lays on the floor with his wrists tied between two pieces of furniture as a woman straddles his chest, covering his mouth with one hand and sliding the other into his pants as he struggles under her.

With the spilled drink and broken glass on the left, this drawing instantly paints a picture of a date gone horribly right. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.) Now, non-consensual situations like date rape are tragic regardless of whether men or women are the victims. Yet, many of the characteristics of these same situations are present in some of the most common sexual fantasies—again, for both men and women. I don’t know whether the artist’s intent was to draw a woman’s fantasy of forcefully subduing a man during a dinner date, or a man’s fantasy of being forcefully subdued by a woman, but it’s worth noting that both men and women have such desires, in all variations.


(via plainnasty)

[ Posted Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:57:44 ]

Tagged with: black and white, bondage, narrative

Two muscular men, each wearing only boots, are in a workshop. One of the men pulls some tubing across the neck of the other, kneeling man.

These men’s bodies aren’t typically the sort I enjoy, but these two in particular are just so amazingly pretty. Beyond that, of course, the power dynamics depicted here are also intriguing. I particularly like being able to see the kneeling man’s left hand curled into a fist in this photograph, while his right hand is outstretched and open. It looks to me as though he is at once fighting against and enjoying being subdued by the other man—a feeling I’m glad I know very, very well.




[ Posted Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:57:43 ]


Tagged with: homosexual, photograph

A naked man sits on a delicately upholstered chair backwards, exposing his backside and bowing his head.

This is not only a beautiful photograph with an absolutely gorgeous model, but the position he is seated in is a familiar, evocative one to me. The open back, with relaxed shoulders and bowed head, is very reminiscent of the safest and most comfortable positions to be flogged or whipped or punched in. Rather than being necessarily feeling like high-energy and intensely painful things, all of those activities (each of which I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing in this same seated position before) can also feel like a soothing and relaxing massage. Somehow—maybe it’s the decor of the chair—that kind of soothing scene is the one I imagine he’s either just finished or is just about to start.



(via moistboys2)

[ Posted Fri, 13 Mar 2009 02:29:42 ]

Tagged with: photograph, solo, black and white

The reigns of a leashed pony boy on all fours are firmly held in one of his top’s hands, as the other holds a riding crop above the pony boy’s ass.

Pony play hasn’t been something I’ve invested much time or effort into myself, but its close association with many other forms of human animal roleplay that I am personally invested in makes it continually intriguing to me. It’s also interesting as yet another example of the incredible diversity that expressions of sexual relationships can take, and the intricate dynamics between a handler and their pony are an exceptional showcase for this. Of course, as a sex toy enthusiast, I also really enjoy the physical gear and other hardware associated with pony play, most notably the lockable gloves this pony boy is wearing.


courgette: -

[ Posted Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:29:43 ]


Tagged with: photograph, black and white, petplay

A shirtless, dark-haired man wearing leather pants kneels with his upper body resting on the bed. His wrists are cuffed to his ankles using thick leather buckles with metal rings.

This is no doubt an enticing drawing, and in addition to the obviously attractive man on the bed, I also like the plainness of the headboard and the wall behind him. This looks more like a motel room than someone’s bedroom, which is just enough to prompt my imagination to start constructing a fantasy. Rest assured that the headboard, with its metal poles, will play a role in that fantasy.



AD/ Yaoi

[ Posted Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:29:42 ]


Tagged with: bondage, solo, narrative

Two men sit in a dark, spartan kitchen using a trash can for a dinner table. One man wears only underwear and eats while the second is naked and loosely bound to his chair.

This photograph is really interesting, and the submissive aspects of it are simultaneously obvious and a little hard to grasp. For me, the image evokes one of playing with hunger, which isn’t something I hear people talk about explicitly a lot but that comes up time and time again. Puppy boys being given—or denied—scraps of food at dinner, starving slaves in dungeons, or being given edible treats when one behaves well are activities that all boil down to a similar core: resources, and control over them.

When sexualized, this can be powerfully erotic. I recall numerous occasions going out to dinner when Eileen ordered for me—a few times not very much at all. Curiously, we